Don't let your ex have control of the situation. They split up with you.

[Butterfly1]

As for my situation, I haven't spoken to him since the Tuesday before Thanksgiving when we went out to dinner. I don't know if he has any feelings for me. This a brief recap of the past 6 weeks.

 

I leave him to go back to finish my second year of grad school. He tells me he isn't sure if he is ready for another serious relationship (as he just got out of one) but wants to continue dating as he loves being with and will see what happens. We talk everyday the first week and every couple of days the second.

 

I return two after I had left and he asks me to stay somewhere else. We go out and he tells me that he is confused, how he started to see us together long term and got scared, that his ex is contacting him and he remembers the strong feeligs he had for her (but does not want to reconcile) We were suppose to go out the next night but he gets drunk during the day with his friends at some horse race and stands me up. We fight on the phone and two days later he leaves me a voicemail that we are not dating. I call him and I agree that he needs time and we need to break up.

 

Two weeks later I am coming back to the city and he agreed to have lunch with me. He stands me up AGAIN and when I call him he tells me that its "too soon" and I get angry and upset...words are exchanged and he hangs up on me. He calls me two days later and apologizes. Saying he doesn't have a good reason. He thought he would be more comfortable then he was, that his exgirlfriend had come by that morning and would not let him leave his apartment and he got frustrate and took it out on me.

 

We decide not to talk for awhille and 3/4 weeks later I come back again and we go out to dinner. (I think he tried to get out of that) I sit across from him and whatever feelings were there were gone. He tells me that he broke up with me because he didn't feel that he could care about me long term. That he doesn't have a reason and that he does't know why. That his exgirlfrined only played part of the role, it was really that he just didn't think he could develop feelings. I ask him what he was doing for the four months we were dating -- calling everyday, telling me how much he cares, how he loves being with me, spending all his time with me. I ask him if he doesnt think we are compatible (and he says he thinks we are), I say is the chemistry gone (and he says its still there), I ask him if he is still attracted to me (and he tells me he is very attracted to me and always said i was beatiful) -- but just didn't have a reason.

 

I would like to believe that he is just confused right now with everything going on. That maybe he felt pressure from me when I asked to see him and he wanted me to know that i had to move becuase right now he is not in the mindset to commit to someone. I can see him questioning how he feels about me if his former ex who he almost marries starts contacting him again and compares what he had with her to me (who he only dated 4 months) I just have had a hard time undersstanding how he could say that it was really me and not him.

[Butterfly1]

To lost_in_chgo

 

Why did she breakup with you? With her marriage, was it her leaving her husband or her husband leaving her? I can see how scarred she must feel having gone through a divorce. Was she just confused as to what she wanted?

 

Perhaps she just needs time on her own to see what else is out there. I can understand her fear of getting involved again and possibly having to go through another painful ending. She just might not be ready for one yet.

 

Thats still not easy for you having known her for so long and now having to lose not only your girlfriend but a good friend as well. I am sure its not easy for you. But I do think leaving her alone is the best thing you can do. if you really think about it, its a win-win situation. You can focus on yourself and meeting other people and moving and you leave the door open to her if she comes to realize that what she really wants is you. I know its hard but its the healthiest and best thing to do.

[lost_in_chgo]

She said she still had feelings, but she just couldn't do this anymore. i made her feel bad. And she gave some examples of minor things, nothing serious, and she said that they were just little things. It didn't make alot of sense, but here primary statement in email was I miss how things were, but I have a lot of stress now, and I just cant do this. Please just be a friend to me now.

 

Initially I overreacted and tried to get her to try again, to talk etc, but she was trying to distance herself. She arranged to go out with a friend of her brother's and refused to discuss anything with me. Once she had moved on with this guy, she started to open up a bit. But refused to see my in person. I feel she was just to upset about the whole thing, and freaked out about getting too involved right after the divorce.

 

So, yeah, I'm in move along mode now. But I'd really like to reconcile too. But I can't wait forever. So if an opportunity comes up that is interesting, I will go for it. The ball is in her court, but she could take years to get her head together to the point where she can decide.

 

Thanks.

 

You know knowing all these things doesn't help a bit, because all you can do is wait or move on. While I will move on, I think there is alot of value in waiting. It allows me to look at things clear-headedly and make sure that I really want to do this. And it give me some distance to look around a bit and see if maybe someone else looks better. It's a win-win in more ways than you mentioned too because my situation would certainly be better without her from a purely objective viewpoint, which many people have pointed out to me. And if she does come back, well then I get what I really want. And I get to make that final decision.

 

Before we started up, I discussed this with a friend, because I knew that I might end up being the transition guy and paying this price, but i just couldn't say no to her. Once we were going out she was very self-centered and selfish, which is to be expected after her separation. I tried to keep this in check at times and she didn't get that she couldn't always have her way. This was really different from her pre-separation behavior in retrospect and I should've realized that I couldn't push her too much, but at the same time I couldn't let her walk all over me. I want a partner, not a master (and not a servant).

[Butterfly1]

Sounds like she has changed a lot over the past year. She probably doesn't know what she wants. I think thats great that you wouldn't let her have too much control (having things her way and being selfish). Maybe you just loved her too much and she is just not ready for that love (or at least to give it back)

 

Maybe you were the transition guy (just like I was probably the transition girl) and its just not right or fair because we never really got a fair shot. But I guess life is not fair and we just have to roll with the punches.

 

Hang in there. We are all in the same place. Its too bad it has to be around the holidays. If you meet someone else that interests you, I hope you give it a chance. I like to believe that there is more then one right person out there for everyone so maybe you could meet another one where the timing is right.

[lost_in_chgo]

Some of the divorce stuff I read says that once the divorced has work thru the issues, they will often turn to a old friend or companion for a long term future, which is promising, but almost too promising if you know what I mean.

 

She hasn't changed too much I think, but I think she is overwhelmed and has trouble dealing with that, so it's affecting her reactions and behavior at times. Other times she agrees with my hesitation and says I was right that she was rushing too much because she was upset. Being unready has been suggested by many people, unready to commit, unready to believe anyone can be so different from her ex husband, unready to believe she can succeed.

 

Last week I was offered to be fixed up with a neighbor of my brother's, but she is *very* recently separated. I'm not going to jump from the fire into a blast furnace. I would never have been into the fire in the same circumtance if I hadn't fallen in.

[Butterfly1]

Yes, I would keep away from all those recently divorced/separated/broken up. Maybe in a year. Thats another lessoned learned for me. Date people who are happy and single and aren't still dealing with their exes.

 

Sounds like you know what you have to do and you know what is going on with her. Hope it gets better.

[superman]

I again agree with Butterfly1. I have never been one to believe that there is only one person out there for us. It is finding a person (could be anyone) that appreciates us for who we are. When that happens to a couple you make each other better people. When you are honest with your heart how can you be wrong?

[wecancope]

Hi Butterfly1,

 

I've been thinking about what you have been saying regarding my situation all day. I've been feeling pretty bad today as I feel that I've messed things up.

 

Do you remember me telling you that after I sent that email to my ex, I hadn't heard anything back from her (apart from that text message), but her friend and sister contacted me via email and text message last week?

 

Well tonight I phoned my ex's sister. We talked about casual things, about what we've both been up too, and then I explained to her the reason why I sent that email to my ex, cause I didn't have a clue of what was going through my ex's mind: whether there was someone else involved, and if so I didn't even want to know about it! Her sister told me that no one else is involved and then she started asking me questions like: have you told her you want her back, is she allowed to phone me, etc.

 

My ex's sister, rightfully said, that she didn't want to be the middle person and didn't want to say too much, but only that my ex was thinking of phoning me yesterday, but then got scared!

 

Butterfly1. Have you got an opinion on this situation? Does any of this make any sense? I mean I'm not going to contact her, but why would she want to phone me in the first place?

[superman]

My guess would be that she is feeling the same way my ex is feeling. The few times we talked after the break I would ask her if she ever thinks about me and misses me and wants to talk. She said, "Of course, I think about you a lot." This really bothered me because why wouldn't she call me then. I have never been one to run away from my feelings. If I miss someone and want to talk to them I call. It is so much easier to go through life like that in my opinion. That is why it is so tough for me not to call her when I am thinking about her and missing her. But to answer your question I think she is not calling because she doesn't want to lead you on. Meaning if she calls you will start to think that she is coming around and wants to get back together when she just wants to check in on you. This was the explanation I got. And I believe it. I don't agree with it but I see the reality in it.

[Butterfly1]

I think generally the person who did the breaking up would try to reframe from calling the person they broke up with if they thought it would confuse the other person or give them false hope where they would pursue them again. I have been on both ends of the break up and I know when its me that makes that does the breaking up, you still miss that person (and the friendship) but I didn't want the other person to think it was more then that. I think the person doing the breaking up should only contact that person if they are having second thoughts and want to try to work it out.

 

However, I think wecancope situations is a little unique. It was to my understanding that although your girlfriend broke up with you she also sounded like she still loved you and would take you back when she believed that you had worked on your jealousy issues. I think you sent her that email so you would stop the hurt for yourself and she got hurt when you said that you never wanted to talk to her again and that you were not going to change. I think her reply back to you was her trying to hurt you back for the hurt you caused her when she read that email (make sense?). Now a few weeks have gone by and it sounds like you both have realized how you might have said things you didn't mean. She might not have called you because your email to her said "don't contact me". your email was thought out and composed while her reaction to it that you read was probably her immediate reaction and not a well thought out one.

 

In the future I really would reframe from talking to her sister or her best friend about the situation. If I were her and found out about it I would think "why can't he talk to me about our issues". Also, do not assume or think or vocalize that thought that she met someone else. She has done nothing for you to assume that. If you really believe that she loved you and its true she is not going to go out there and start dating someone else. (once again it relates to be jealous or insecure with her devotion to you)

 

I would call her if you want and say that you didn't mean to end things so hostiley - that you were just hurt and don't want to lose her as part of your life. You cannot however ask her if she is dating anyone becuase it will push her away and as of now, its none of your business anymore. And judging from what you told me, I don't think she is looking around.

[wecancope]

Thanks for your advice Butterfly1.

 

You advised me to call my ex to say that I didn't mean to end things so hostiley, and I've been so tempted to do so, but I'm so scared to do it! I'm scared of being hurt again. And to be quite truthful, I'm not 100% sure what my ex's explanation of breaking up with me is. I mean she said that it was because of the accusations, jealousy etc and that we couldn't be together at the moment because she needs to find "herself", find out "who she is". I don't know!

 

I've been OK this week. I'm getting on with my life. I have my occasional cry, I think about her all the time. I miss her so much, so sometimes I just need to sit down and think for a moment what should I do as my next move, but I always seem to come to the same conclusion: Leave it, if she wants to contact me she eventually will! (but I told her in the email that I no longer want contact with her!). How confusing. What should I do?

 

I've been very emotional today. I've had tears streaming down my face all evening, hence why I needed to write on this post.

 

I really do think I've changed as a person since she broke up with me (five weeks ago). I think I needed to experience this to appreciate the good and bad things in life, but unfortunatly my feelings and emotions towards my ex are very much still attached to my soul!

 

It may seen very odd to alot people, but I'm sleeping with my ex's teddy (I'm 25yrs old). She gave it to me the day I was flying back to my country (we weren't going to see each other for two weeks), and this teddy is of sentimental value to her. She wanted one of my jumpers in exchange, so she could sleep with it in bed (this all happened a week before she broke up with me).

 

But anyway, I've got a couple of questions to ask:

 

1) Why does her friend keep telling me not to worry, we'll be back together, she loves you so much? My ex's friend knows all about the email I sent to my ex.

 

2) What shall I do with her teddy, spare key and other stuff that is still in my flat?

 

3) Is it normal for me to feel so scared of contacting her? Would an email make any difference if I was to initiate contact?

[lost_in_chgo]

Just wait a bit more. Trust that friend, she has insight into your ex's feelings.

 

Hang on to the personal effects, they will provide her an excuse to contact you if she feels the need and is unsure.

 

Believe me I know how hard this is. I'm on 7wks of no contact and 3 1/2 months since the breakup. I have no one to talk to that will talk to her or support me. Only a work friend that gets the occasional info that she doles out. You have people that support you being together. Rely on that. And don't call them too much, they'll get tired of you.

 

If you stop hearing anything it's time for the email I think.

[wecancope]

Thank you so much, I really appreciate your input Lost_in_chgo.

 

It's so weird. There is not a day that goes by where I don't think of her, but still I trodder along, keep my mind occupied. But then I have my "moments" and I start to doubt the "procedure" I've chosen to follow. i.e no more contact, even so she wanted it!

 

When people say "if it's meant to be", does that mean carrying on with your life, without making any effort towards your ex?

[lost_in_chgo]

I just got off the phone with my step brother. He's suggesting I move on.

I told him everything running thru my mind these days and why I think that waiting is a good thing in my case, and why I think that she needs time to work thru things and that maybe there's a place for me at the end of that.

 

He suggested, as others have that I date someone else.

It's a win-win he said. You either find someone else who is better, and then if she doesn't ever call, you have someone, or you take her back when she calls. Of course there's a few other options, like not finding someone, or finding someone worse. But that's what dating is for I guess.

 

So, you can date. But if she isn't, and she really just needs space, give it to her and wait. You want to be there for her, this is how you do it. When she comes back, you know it is because she wants to be there. And things will be even better than they were. If she doesn't, then you know you gave it your best effort and that it's on her that it failed. That's the high road, the right thing to do.

[Butterfly1]

wecancope,

 

Her friends certainly have insight into what your ex is thinking. Maybe you are hesititant in contacting her because of your own pride and you hope that if she REALLY wants to get back together with you, then she will contact you DESPITE the fact that YOU initiated the no contact rule. I think only you know why you are not calling her -- maybe its pride, maybe you want her to contact you because you don't want to put yourself out there, maybe you are unsure of what you want,...... You seem so depressed about this. From what you right it seems like this breakup was sort of an escalation. I think she probably needed space from you but she never told you that she wasn't in love with you anymore? Why don't you just call her or email her...tell her that you want to talk again - It sounds like she does. She might not have contacted you because you were the one who said "lets not talk" and is waiting for you to iniatiate everything. And hopefully when you do contact her, be nice and friendly - do not ask her if she has been dating anyone.

 

lost_in_chicgo, I would do what your step brother advised you to do. I know everyone says it and I am trying to do it myself but just focus on you and putting yourself out there. Healing from a breakup takes time and patience. Go out and hang out with friends, find activities that you like and it will get easier. If she comes back she will come back but there is nothing you can do now to allow her to change her mind.

[wecancope]

In a way, I suppose I am waiting for her to contact me if she really does want to be with me. Isn't that the way it works?

I wouldn't say I'm depressed, it's more about being emotionally exhausted and confused. Does that make any sense? I'm scared of how she might react if I initiate the contact thing, I really don't want to go down the road of devastation, from which I've just managed to return from!

 

I got a very brief email again from her friend, asking me how I am and telling me a little about herself. I replied to her, but again I didn't mention anything about my ex.

 

I feel as though I need to prove to my ex that I can get on with my life without her, that I can enjoy myself. It is something she has been telling me to do after she had split up with me. What I'm trying to say is that, if she saw I was getting on with things, she'd come running back. This is what I gathered from reading about other peoples situations on this forum. I know that we are not in contact, but I was in a way relying on her friends and family to say " hey, he is getting on with things" and then she would realise it was a mistake to split up with me. Am I being ridiculous? Am I being really immature?

 

I've been spending so much time on this forum reading about the situations of others, to try and get a clearer picture of my situation. From reading the advice given to others about closure ("if you don't contact that person they'll come running back"), I made up my mind to send that email! Like I've said before I didn't have a clue of what was going on around me at the time, it all just happened all of a sudden, all at once and I just felt the need to be distant from the situation. I really beleived that there was no hope.

[Butterfly1]

Well, for the most part I think the person who was broken up with should not contact the person who broke up with them and that if its meant to be or if they change their mind, they will come back. The reason why I think it would be okay for you to contact her (and what makes your situation unique) is that you told her to NOT contact you again and that you were not going to change. Everyone else on this board has not told their ex not to contact them again and that they were not going to change. I thought that your exgirlfriend had told you that she needed time and that she needed you to work on some issues before you could get back together - she never told that it was completely over and that the two of you were through. Yes, she could still contact you but she also could not contact you respecting your wish that she did not. That is why I think its okay for you to send her an email saying that you needed time but don't want to close the door or don't want her to think that she can't contact you if she wants to talk.....and after that then apply the no contact rule. At least by letting her know that she CAN talk to you, you don't have to wonder if the reason you have not heard from her is because she didn't want to talk or that she thought that you didn't want to hear from her (make sense?)

[wecancope]

Sorry, I was just writing a draft of an email I might send to her. What do you think?

 

Hey,

 

How are things and how are you feeling? I hope that all is well and that university is running smoothly! I don’t know how you are going to react to this email, but I’m hoping that you will appreciate the initiative of contacting you, as I’m really missing you.

 

I’m writing this email to say sorry to end things so hostilely with the last email I sent you. I just felt that my emotions had run way too high and my reaction to that was me needing a break to get some distance and to take a perspective of the situation.

Three weeks have past now and I have embraced that period of no contact to concentrate on myself and “the issues” that have been effecting my personality, our relationship and you. I’ve come to realise that I was, in a way, emotionally abusive towards you, and you didn’t deserve to tolerate such abuse. You made the wise decision to say “stop, I can’t take this anymore!”. Whether you believe me or not, I feel as though I’ve become a much wiser, understanding and even a more mature individual, and I can say confidently that I am extremely sorry for putting you through such torture! I sincerely hope that you can accept my apologies and forgive me for my errors.

You said to me not to call you babe anymore, and I’ll respect that, but to my heart you will always be my babe, my angel, my little princess and you are still and always be my number one.

If you do want to contact me, I’m totally here for you and you can disregard everything I said in the last email, as it has no relevance to how I feel at the moment. Hope to hear from you soon.

 

All my love

[Butterfly1]

I think thats a great email to her. I would send it. I know she will appreciate it and I know eventually you will hear from her. She might not believe that you are changed 100% as it will take time to show her that, but I think its a good step in the right direction. At least after you send it, you no longer have to worry if there was something you should have said or should have done that would make her come back or see the situation differently. I think that after you send her this, as scary as it is that its now all in her control to contact you, that you will have that peace of mind that you made the effort and told her how you feel.

 

After you send it, just be patient. It might be an hour, day, week or month but you will hear from her. I am positive.

[wecancope]

Thank you with all my heart Butterfly1,

 

 

I didn't send the email, but sent a text message to say that I really miss her and care about her!

 

I was shaking whilst writing it, and I was so scared of what the response might be. Then she immediatly replied with

 

"Hey Babe, its great to hear from u. it makes me so happy! can i ring you tomorrow. hope u r ok. all my love."

 

It's not the kind of response I expected, but I replied by say that it would be ok to call me tomorrow!

 

I've just checked my email, and her friend sent me an email, telling me about uni stuff, then at the end she said that my ex is really happy to hear from me.

 

It's all a bit confusing. I'm preparring myself for the phone call, but I really don't know how to behave. I shouldn't be predicting what might be said, but I just can't help myself.

[wecancope]

Just got another txt, but I didn't reply. It says this:

 

"I'll be at uni till 6. But then. im so glad cause u r still a very important person in my life. r u alright? kiss and hug."

 

I really do want to be back together with my ex, but I don't no how to approach the situation. I definitly will try and not talk about the relationship subject. Am I right in doing this? I really don't want to srew things up!

 

Do these text messages suggest anything?

[Butterfly1]

That is great! When she calls just be pleasant and nice. Do not bring up the break up and do not ask her if she is dating someone. YOu can tell her that you miss her (if you want to) but it sounds like she has really missed you. Maybe this break was a good thing for the two of you as you both have been able to cool down and realize how much you care for each other.

 

On the phone call, just be positive, happy and okay that you are without her. Its okay that you miss her but don't let her know how much power she has over your happiness. Let her feel free to love you and that she is free to live her life and that you want to be there for her.

 

Let us know when you talk. I am sure it will be positive. Just remain positive and happy! BUt, do not set very high expectations. Its just a phone call and it sounded like before there needed work to be done in order to repair the relationship. (meaning she might not say "lets get back together")

 

Take it one day at a time. THats all you can do. Remain the person that you are and show her the person that she fell in love with. 5 years is a long time and you don't throw away a relationship like that after a few bad weeks.

[wecancope]

I'm actually haven't got any high expectations of what might be with the telephone call tomorrow. I've actually got a knot in my stomach at this very minute, just thinking about it. I'm soooo confused. It's not what I expected.

 

Like I've said to you before Butterfly1, my perspective of the situation has totally and utterly been altered, since you've been responding to my posts. Hence why I've taken this approach with initiating the contact.

 

This is all new to me. It was my first and longest serious relationship, so I'm kind of learning as I go along.

So when you said that it seemed to you that this whole situation had escalated, it's probably because I was blind to what was going on around me (I'm still a little blind).

 

Something I did not mention earlier, is that when I sent the two text messages, I couldn't bring myself to saying, first of all "Hey Babe" (that has always been said at the begining of our text messages to each other) and "I love you" or anything involving the word "love". There's something stopping me from expressing those feelings and that is why (I think), she said the things she said in the second text!

 

Is this just me protecting myself or should I be more open about my feelings?

 

P.s. I do have feelings for her.

[Butterfly1]

I am sure your conversation tomorrow will be fine. Maybe I would hold off on the "love" word at first when you start talking. First you need to see how the conversation goes. See what she has to say and what is going on in her life. See if she mentions seeing each other or trying to work things out. I would let her take the lead in those sensitive areas.

 

You were broken up and I don't think it was lack of love or someone falling out of love that caused this. She needs to find herself and you are going to be supportive and want her to know that you are there for her. She had problems with your jealousy and hopefully through this time you have realized how loyal she is to you and that she would not want to jeaporize your relationship in anyway. And, she let you know what the problems were...now that they are on the table you can deal with them. But take this one day at a time. Breakups don't happen over night and ussually reconciliations don't happen either over night. Just be patient.

 

She obviously has very strong feelings for you and wants you in her life - to what degree right now, I do not know. You just have to focus on making yourself open and available and comfortable for her to turn to you. You can tell her that you love her if you feel like its right when you are talking to her. Those are hard words to say when you don't know if the other person will say them back or if the other person says them back to you but also says that they don't want to be together right now, can be confusing. Just do whatever or say whatever makes you comfortable. Tell her how busy you have been, how you want her to be happy with you or without you (shows selflessness) and you can say if you want that you still want the two of you to work things out (if possible)

 

Good luck again. I am glad you made that contact with her.

[wecancope]

She phoned me, we talked for around an hour, and now I'm trying to make sense of the conversation! I'm just letting it all sink in.

 

We talked about what we have been up too in the past few weeks, and I made the effort of sounding positive, happy and I didn't once mention about the relationship! But she did. She told me how she was telling everyone at uni that I've got back in contact with her....... she told me how she went to a restaurant with her parents on Saturday and that we should go there too........she wants to cook for me.......she told me that she cried on Sunday when she made herself a lasagne, but wasn't as good as mine......she misses the phone calls we had every evening...... and other things that have totally confused me. Why would you say things like that to someone you've broken up with? Is it possible that she was making hints, but didn't have the courage of saying it up front?

 

But she also mentioned that she was enjoying her self, meeting new people, busy with uni etc, but when not doing those things she would feel pretty down.

 

Throughout this conversation on the phone, I never expressed my feelings towards her, never asked her back and now I feel as though I should have, but I think it's too early for that!

 

She asked if it was OK to maintain the contact and I said yes. And if I didn't feel like talking to her, then to say so, she'd understand.

 

At the moment I can't think of anything else of the conversation, but I probably will later on!