justification for friends of the opposite sex

[New Again]

"With women, they're only friends if he's gay. If he's straight, he's not trying to be her friend. He's looking for a way into her pants." Says Caliguy in another thread.*

 

I feel the exact same way. So MEN, what on earth is your justification, when you have a gf, for having girl friends? Especially if it's an ex-gf whom you "don't even think of as an ex anymore" because she's such a great friend.

 

Please explain this to me.

 

*As have many many other men, here and IRL. Even my bf says this (of course, only in regards to me and other guys, and he has plenty of girl friends). Caliguy, I hope you're not offended that I quoted you here. Mods, if I broke the rules, sorry and I know you'll edit accordingly.

[alphamale]

i don't have any friends that are girls. there is no point. i will, however, be friends with a girl i'm boinking

[New Again]

i don't have any friends that are girls. there is no point. i will, however, be friends with a girl i'm boinking

 

If this is true I sincerely wish there were more men like you.

[Citizen Erased]

I have at least one guy friend that doesn't want to have sex with me. That's probably why I am so assured that he is my friend...so I guess the exception is if they don't want to jump your bones.

[New Again]

I have at least one guy friend that doesn't want to have sex with me. That's probably why I am so assured that he is my friend...so I guess the exception is if they don't want to jump your bones.

 

Obviously, I would have to agree with you that men and women can just be friends if there is no way in hell either of you wants a sexual/romantic relationship.

 

However, that's not the premise of CaliGuy's statement, or the statements of many men on LS or IRL.

 

I can count on one hand the number of friends I have who I know beyond a doubt don't want to sleep with me and vice versa. Most of them are gay, as it turns out.

 

So my question still stands: how do men who say that justify having female friends when they're in relationships.

[Sam Spade]

There is no justification. My only women friends (or shall we say - aquaintances?) are the ones with whom I share some sort of institutional or professional history, or go waaaaay back (e.g. high school, college).

in the absence of any such common experiences that can justify occasional contact, it is just weird.

[Citizen Erased]

Obviously, I would have to agree with you that men and women can just be friends if there is no way in hell either of you wants a sexual/romantic relationship.

 

However, that's not the premise of CaliGuy's statement, or the statements of many men on LS or IRL.

 

Yep, I actually usually agree with what CaliGuy said, given the people that post these situations on here. But my point is that there are always exceptions to a rule and his statement certainly doesn't allow for that, it comes across as this is the case for everyone, and you're right, he's not alone with that. So many of the men on here say the exact same thing.

 

Sweeping statements are all well and good but it's silly to apply them to everyone. I'm glad you can see there are exceptions.

[New Again]

Yep, I actually usually agree with what CaliGuy said, given the people that post these situations on here. But my point is that there are always exceptions to a rule and his statement certainly doesn't allow for that, it comes across as this is the case for everyone, and you're right, he's not alone with that. So many of the men on here say the exact same thing.

 

Sweeping statements are all well and good but it's silly to apply them to everyone. I'm glad you can see there are exceptions.

 

I agree there are exceptions (or I wouldn't be dating my bf who has many girl friends).

 

But I'm also pretty sensitive to this question...and ESPECIALLY when my bf says things like this, and then I see it all over here as well. Makes me wanna say, well hey, if that's what you think about friendships between men and women, maybe I should start giving you the third degree about women in your life!

 

And men in general (yes, generalization) say this all the time. So what the hell is up with this double standard? Men think they have better self control or something?

[Eclypse]

I have lots of girl-friends whom I enjoy being friends with because they are intelligent / able to hold a good conversation etc. Getting intimate with them is not something I'm looking for at all, and when I get a girlfriend I wouldn't like it at all if she wouldn't let me remain being friends with other females, especially the ones I was already friends with. I would hope we had enough trust in the relationship for that. I shouldn't need to justify having female friends, just as she shouldn't need to justify male friends.

 

Admittedly though, every now and then with some of these female friends I would suddenly think "ho my god! What would she look like *without* that dress on!?" But who doesn't get those moments every now and then?

[New Again]

Maybe mine was a rhetorical question.

 

I'm not trying to debate whether men and women can be very simply, straight up just friends.

[Trialbyfire]

Even my bf says this (of course, only in regards to me and other guys, and he has plenty of girl friends).

Why aren't you holding your b/f to his double-standard? It should be okay for both sides or not okay, for either.

 

As for whether men and women can be friends, yes they can. It doesn't matter what the guy wants within the friendship. As long as the girl doesn't want, his sexual wants are moot, since she's the gatekeeper.

[Roxanna]

Why aren't you holding your b/f to his double-standard? It should be okay for both sides or not okay, for either.

 

As for whether men and women can be friends, yes they can. It doesn't matter what the guy wants within the friendship. As long as the girl doesn't want, his sexual wants are moot, since she's the gatekeeper.

 

If she's comfortable with his friendships with other women, and she also doesn't think that men in her life specifically tend to want just friendship from her, is it still a double standard? It sounds like they might be on the same page, to me.

[Trialbyfire]

If she's comfortable with his friendships with other women, and she also doesn't think that men in her life specifically tend to want just friendship from her, is it still a double standard? It sounds like they might be on the same page, to me.

IF this were the case, would this thread exist?

[Roxanna]

IF this were the case, would this thread exist?

 

Well, I'm not the OP, so I can't speak for her.

 

However, it does seem to me that men here often say that men never want to be just friends with women...and yet they have female friends, and more so, real people I know often find themselves in these situations. Maybe my overall impression is wrong, and maybe I'm not wording my thoughts very well, this is what I see all the time as well. I might just be very bitter because an ex had plenty of girl friends, yet had a problem with anyone of the opposite sex I spoke to, "because men want more than friendship."

[Trialbyfire]

Well, I'm not the OP, so I can't speak for her.

 

However, it does seem to me that men here often say that men never want to be just friends with women...and yet they have female friends, and more so, real people I know often find themselves in these situations. Maybe my overall impression is wrong, and maybe I'm not wording my thoughts very well, this is what I see all the time as well.

You've basically reworded New Again's b/fs double standard. The one I suggested she hold him to...

[Roxanna]

You've basically reworded New Again's b/fs double standard. The one I suggested she hold him to...

 

I guess I see this is as a question not so much debating whether or not men and women can be friends, or whether or not someone is right or wrong (or should be held accountable), but a question of, OK, this happens (and maybe happens in her own life), so what is going through these guys' minds? Are they holding girls on the side? Do they just need attention? Etc.

 

Maybe that's what she meant with the rhetorical question statement.

 

As in, it's obvious that they're selfish douchebags or something

[sally4sara]

The only guys I've known who had many female friends while still not wanting their GF to have male friends - were the guys sleeping with their female friends.

 

I've met guys with many female friends who were not sleeping with any of them. They were the guys who didn't mind if their GF had male friends at all.

[Hkizzle]

"With women, they're only friends if he's gay. If he's straight, he's not trying to be her friend. He's looking for a way into her pants." Says Caliguy in another thread.*

 

I feel the exact same way. So MEN, what on earth is your justification, when you have a gf, for having girl friends? Especially if it's an ex-gf whom you "don't even think of as an ex anymore" because she's such a great friend.

 

Please explain this to me.

 

*As have many many other men, here and IRL. Even my bf says this (of course, only in regards to me and other guys, and he has plenty of girl friends). Caliguy, I hope you're not offended that I quoted you here. Mods, if I broke the rules, sorry and I know you'll edit accordingly.

 

Surely people can exercise self control? I come on these boards sometimes and think people are totally out of control and just driven by their instincts and hormones.

 

I have female friends mainly because they're human beings but with a different perspective on life.

 

There's also good to look at but that doesn't mean I will ravage them.

 

A lot of my female friends are exs, ex-flings, ex-ons. The others either were not interested in me or I never tried to hit on them.

 

I have female friends from highschool I would never dream of touching, and I have female friends that are ex-colleagues that I would never touch.

[New Again]

Surely people can exercise self control? I come on these boards sometimes and think people are totally out of control and just driven by their instincts and hormones.

 

I have female friends mainly because they're human beings but with a different perspective on life.

 

There's also good to look at but that doesn't mean I will ravage them.

 

A lot of my female friends are exs, ex-flings, ex-ons. The others either were not interested in me or I never tried to hit on them.

 

I have female friends from highschool I would never dream of touching, and I have female friends that are ex-colleagues that I would never touch.

So you're saying that sex, romance and attraction are irrelevant, you would rather have female friends for that reason, and because you can control yourself, as opposed to the thought process of putting yourself into a potentially messy or questionable or blurry situation? Did I take your response the correct way? Or are you just saying, men and women CAN be platonic friends, the end?

 

Interesting.

[Hkizzle]

So you're saying that sex, romance and attraction are irrelevant, you would rather have female friends for that reason, and because you can control yourself, as opposed to the thought process of putting yourself into a potentially messy or questionable or blurry situation? Did I take your response the correct way? Or are you just saying, men and women CAN be platonic friends, the end?

 

Interesting.

 

Ok, I know lots of people here think I'm a jerk. Which is quite funny because I always say I'm a jerk.

 

However, unlike most people, even those that are "good people" when it comes to the opposite sex I tend to have much better self control.

 

1) Those that I am not attracted to in the least of course it's easy to be platonic friends.

 

2) Those that I am attracted to I don't hit on them or start anything because I value our friendship (I probably already had sex with them or they rejected me, haha) . Besides there are so many girls out there. One thing people seem to forget is CHOICE, they seem to act as if there's only two people in the world, them and the person they like. That's why so many people put the other person on the pedestal and get burnt.

 

3) If I start dating a girl exclusively, she's got to be pretty amazing, and in terms of looks damn hot. If she's better than all the other girls out there, why would I want to screw things up? Besides, I hold myself to a policy of integrity because if I don't then I can come up with excuses to live any lifestyle I wish.

 

Half the people on this board, especially blue "dick" are hypocrites that think they've got the right standards but can't even adhere to them. What's the friggin point of having any standards if they are shifting all the time?

 

Just be a jerk like me, better than being a hypocrite.

[New Again]

Ok, I know lots of people here think I'm a jerk. Which is quite funny because I always say I'm a jerk.

 

However, unlike most people, even those that are "good people" when it comes to the opposite sex I tend to have much better self control.

 

1) Those that I am not attracted to in the least of course it's easy to be platonic friends.

 

2) Those that I am attracted to I don't hit on them or start anything because I value our friendship (I probably already had sex with them or they rejected me, haha) . Besides there are so many girls out there. One thing people seem to forget is CHOICE, they seem to act as if there's only two people in the world, them and the person they like. That's why so many people put the other person on the pedestal and get burnt.

 

3) If I start dating a girl exclusively, she's got to be pretty amazing, and in terms of looks damn hot. If she's better than all the other girls out there, why would I want to screw things up? Besides, I hold myself to a policy of integrity because if I don't then I can come up with excuses to live any lifestyle I wish.

 

Half the people on this board, especially blue "dick" are hypocrites that think they've got the right standards but can't even adhere to them. What's the friggin point of having any standards if they are shifting all the time?

 

Just be a jerk like me, better than being a hypocrite.

I wasn't saying you were a jerk or being sarcastic...just trying to clarify what I thought you were saying. I thought it was the type of response/insight I was looking for, but wasn't sure.

[Hkizzle]

I wasn't saying you were a jerk or being sarcastic...just trying to clarify what I thought you were saying. I thought it was the type of response/insight I was looking for, but wasn't sure.

 

What I am saying is. With most people you cant friggin trust them because they're friggin hypocites. They say, oh well fidelity is important to me, yada yada, or I am a good person, or I value this and that.

 

Then they got no friggin self control.

 

When I meet someone that displays a lack of self control I will not get emotionally attached, because they can't even stick to their own game plan.

 

Those are the people that can't be trusted with members of the opposite sex.

[tryagaintoday]

When you say friends, you mean friends and not as in acquaintances right? That means, they can either go out dinner/movie alone or in groups. And both of you are pure 100% straight.

 

Sorry for providing another sweeping statement. But my take on this is, women will not agree to the sweeping statement and insist on there being exceptions (either being hypocritic or just very naive). For men, scummy ones (I apologised if anyone's offended) will say they do not agree to the sweeping statement but deep down in all our hearts we know what is the truth.

 

Ladies if you insist on not agreeing with me and you are bold enough, go test it out. Get together with your male "friend" alone and come out from the toilet naked or half naked, start touching yourself and him and let's see if he is still a friend now.

 

Once again, I apologised if anyone is offended. This is just my beliefs as so far I have been proven right everytime.

[loveslife]

Yeah well this stupid, friggin' message board has gotten me thinking about my best friend who is an ex. I imagine if I was around him lots there might be a problem being friends. But as it is we live in entirely different countries so it's no problem. I love him and would never give him up. And now that it's been such a frickin' long time that we've been "just friends" I fully expect it will remain such.

 

But this board has gotten me thinking that he probably has a slight agenda that maybe someday, one day something might happen between us again ------ because we had a great physical relationship. But for me it's over and I don't imagine ever going back to phsyically attracted. Him I cannot speak for tho.

 

Hmmmmmm........

[tryagaintoday]

Ok, loveslife, this is a very evil side of me speaking.

 

Read my previous post and go do the test if you find that you've got nothing to lose anyway. But I am warning you, so far my test have been proven 100% to be right....