prettybaby Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 ... but I'm not single and he knows that. We basically haven't seen each other in forever, so he suggested we have dinner some time next week. He already had a restaurant in mind, which is apparently rather fancy. I haven't confirmed anything yet, and I tried to bring up my boyfriend as often as I could in our conversation, but he didn't really ask anything about my boyfriend and sort of ignored that part. I get the feeling he still considers me single. Now, he's a nice person and I don't want to kill the friendship, so I can't exactly blow him off like that. I haven't confirmed yes or no yet and there's no set day or time yet. I'm not sure how to handle this with tact, and still get to see him as a friend but while making it clear that it is not and will never be romantic. And I can't exactly bring my boyfriend with me, because: -1- the only times my friend is available is when my boyfriend has to work (it just happens to be that way, my friend doesn't know my boyfriend's schedule) -2- my friend speaks french and my boyfriend speaks dutch, so they wouldn't exactly be able to communicate much. Of course I'd like to grab something to eat together, but I don't think I'd feel comfortable going to that fancy restaurant by myself with him. It would look and feel wrong. I can't suggest lunch because we work in a totally different area, so we wouldnt have enough time during lunch break to meet up. And I'm gone with my boyfriend during weekends. So that only leaves a few evenings during the week. What do I do?
alphamale Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 I'm not sure how to handle this with tact, and still get to see him as a friend but while making it clear that it is not and will never be romantic. why do you want to keep him as a friend and not as a lover? are you using him for something? do you need emotional support or do you want to make bf jealous? you should just tell him to get lost and that you will never be lovers and you're no longer friends. that would be the best for both of you
boogieboy Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 You dont have a real friendship, he wants you. Theres no friendship to ruin. So you cant go with him. You know this, thats why you dont want to go. Youre trying to avoid telling him no because you know he wont contact you again if you do, and you think he will think youre a bitch or something. You have a bf, you have enough friends, you will be leading him on if you say yes (in his mind). You dont need this guy as a friend chasing you. Now stop hinting to him (guys dont speak hint) grow a set of balls and tell him no.
Author prettybaby Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 why do you want to keep him as a friend and not as a lover? are you using him for something? do you need emotional support or do you want to make bf jealous? I don't get where this is coming from So my answer to all those questions is clearly no. you should just tell him to get lost and that you will never be lovers and you're no longer friends. that would be the best for both of you I get the logic behind this, but I can't just tell him to get lost. We've known each other for years, been through similar things over the past few years and kind of supported each other during low times a few years back. We have never dated though, let's make this clear. But this is someone I do consider a friend. And just as with any friend, you don't just tell them to get lost as soon as you see a potential problem coming up. I don't even know how seriously he's taking this whole thing. All I know is that I feel a bit uncomfortable, I do want to meet up as friends, but I don't want him to get the wrong idea.
loveslife Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 If he is just looking for sex, telling him about your bf isn't going to matter. Some men don't care about things like respect. Going to the restaurant with him if that is the case will give him a signal that it's okay.
redhighheels Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 It depends. Is he a friend-friend or a "friend" (ie someone you've never really been friends with and you've always suspected he wanted more although he never acted upon it)? I wouldn't think twice about going to dinner with some of my guy friends, yet I feel it would be inapropriate with others. It boils down to the relationship between you two, and your gut feeling. If you do want to keep the friendship going by getting together every now and then, I suggest you go, pay for your own meal and if he tries to put the moves on you, explain to him that you're in a relationship and you're not interested. Doing it before is just presumptuous. I doubt you'd be interested in any type of relationship with him in the future if he was to show such little respect for your current bf anyway.
Author prettybaby Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 Well shoot, I guess I'm not going then. I wish lunch at mcdonald's or some crap was an option. It kinda sucks.
GorillaTheater Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 You know, I wouldn't see dinner with your friend as being some monumentally huge deal, so long as you're 100% upfront with your bf and he doesn't have an issue with it.
redhighheels Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 We've known each other for years, been through similar things over the past few years and kind of supported each other during low times a few years back. We have never dated though, let's make this clear. But this is someone I do consider a friend. And just as with any friend, you don't just tell them to get lost as soon as you see a potential problem coming up. I don't even know how seriously he's taking this whole thing. All I know is that I feel a bit uncomfortable, I do want to meet up as friends, but I don't want him to get the wrong idea. You've known each other for years, yet never dated and he never came on to you, even during the time I assume you were single. Why are you worried he's going to do it now?
Author prettybaby Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 You've known each other for years, yet never dated and he never came on to you, even during the time I assume you were single. Why are you worried he's going to do it now? I wasn't single back then, I was basically married the whole time we were friends lol He knows I've been divorced for quite a while now, and we haven't actually been in touch much since my ex husband and I separated (both our lives got really busy around the same time). So I get the feeling that in his mind, he still considers me totally single now. My boyfriend and I got together during the period that my friend and I kinda stayed out of touch. So even though I've tried to bring up my boyfriend in today's conversation, I'm not quite sure he's completely registered it. The conversation was quite rushed, because he was just quickly catching up with me and offered to get dinner next week. So it wasn't exactly a long, in depth convo.
alphamale Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 I get the logic behind this, but I can't just tell him to get lost. sure you can...you just say "I...don't...think...we...should...stay...in...contact...anymore...because...i...have....a...bf...who...fulfills....all...my....current...needs."
WTRanger Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Easy solution, either you pick up the tab or you pay your half. If he doesn't pay, it's not a real date and it's just friends. The who picks up the tab rule is pretty stupid, but apparently people go by it.
redhighheels Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 If he's interested in your romantically, it registered. I'd go if I were you. Just because you assume he might make a move, that doesn't mean he will..and when that happens, well you know what to say. As long as your bf is up to speed with the situation, I don't see anything wrong with it. It's just two friends who haven't seen each other in ages catching up. No biggie.
alphamale Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 As long as your bf is up to speed with the situation, I don't see anything wrong with it. trust me the bf isn't going to be happy with this scenario, i know i wouldn't be. what if her bf said "oh yea BTW on friday nite i'm getting together with this girl, we've been close 'friends' for years and i know she wants me but i should be able to control myself. don't worry about it dear..."
redhighheels Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 trust me the bf isn't going to be happy with this scenario, i know i wouldn't be. what if her bf said "oh yea BTW on friday nite i'm getting together with this girl, we've been close 'friends' for years and i know she wants me but i should be able to control myself. don't worry about it dear..." Well that's his problem, isn't it? She should stop seeing all of her male friends just because she's in a relationship now? Yeah, that sounds very healthy.
Author prettybaby Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 lol I have to agree with Alpha. My boyfriend is kind & understanding, he'll probably tell me it's alright and that he trusts me, but anyone in his shoes would still feel conflicted about this scenario, and I completely get that. Which is why I'm feeling so bad about this right now, and I'm not sure how to get out of it without damaging the friendship. I still don't agree about telling him to get lost though lol That's harsh and completely uncalled for. I'm considering just being completely honest with him about it. Tell him that I'm not comfortable about going alone with him to that particular restaurant at night, and kind of try to discuss it with him and come up with a good alternative. Maybe something more casual in a different setting, I don't know. I guess that giving him a chance to respond and figure out something that works better would only be fair.
Author prettybaby Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 Well that's his problem, isn't it? She should stop seeing all of her male friends just because she's in a relationship now? Yeah, that sounds very healthy. I know what you mean, and I do have male friends that I see. But it's never been a one on one dinner at a fancy restaurant at night. I don't know if most people do that while they're in a relationship? Maybe I'm odd, I've never been in this situation. I just feel weird thinking that we're gonna go there looking like a couple and stuff, while my boyfriend is out working. It's different than going to some random outings during the day, or together with other friends and stuff. I guess what mainly bugs me a bit here is the setting.
redhighheels Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 I guess what mainly bugs me a bit here is the setting. In that case, talk to your friend and figure out other plans that would make you feel more comfortable. If he truly is your friend, it shouldn't be a problem. I can understand where you're coming from, I really do. All I'm trying to emphasize is that if you start blowing off your guy friends just because it will make your bf feel insecure establishes a certain precedent. I'm sure everyone feels a bit uneasy when their partner hangs out with members of the opposite sex, but as long as there are no shady circumstances, it's just something you have to deal with. It all boils down to trust, and for me there are no grey areas when it comes to trust - it's either there or it isn't.
CaliGuy Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 You don't go. Period. That, or you ask your BF if he's cool with it.
BCCA Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 For whatever its worth... I have MANY female friends, and you lose track of them sometimes, and they find you on FB or vice versa...and its nice to catch up. Thing is, I would NEVER ask one of them out alone, at a nice resturant no less, withouth there being some sort of 'alterior motive', as in - I wanted to date or sleep with them. If they wanted to meet up, I would say sure, but at some place cheap and easy, and I would still probably think they wanted to hook up. Your gut feels off because you have a crappy decision to make: risk it or be straight with him. Either way, you risk losing this friend. This is why male/female friendships are hit and miss, and work better from afar. As soon as someone wants to 'up it', things go bad.
alphamale Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Your gut feels off because you have a crappy decision to make: risk it or be straight with him. Either way, you risk losing this friend. This is why male/female friendships are hit and miss, and work better from afar. As soon as someone wants to 'up it', things go bad. i would take it further and opine that men and women should only be friends in the context of a romantic relationship. there is no reason whatsoever to have "friends" of the opposite sex
BCCA Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 i would take it further and opine that men and women should only be friends in the context of a romantic relationship. there is no reason whatsoever to have "friends" of the opposite sex I tend to agree, and really consider most of my female friends 'acquaintances' more than anything. I think women are more apt to seek out male friends than the opposite, but I could be wrong.
New Again Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 I tend to agree, and really consider most of my female friends 'acquaintances' more than anything. I think women are more apt to seek out male friends than the opposite, but I could be wrong. As a woman who does not seek out male friendships for the reasons stated, I agree. But, everyone's different. OP, talk to your bf
CaliGuy Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 i would take it further and opine that men and women should only be friends in the context of a romantic relationship. there is no reason whatsoever to have "friends" of the opposite sex With men I agree. With women, they're only friends if he's gay. If he's straight, he's not trying to be her friend. He's looking for a way into her pants.
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