stupid decision, should not have left her

[tommycapnpants]

ok, first of all i admit that i am the one at fault in this situation. so here goes.

 

my ex has a problem when she drinks. she gets really punchy and quite often, if not all the time starts pretty big fights. . .accusing me of infidelity, and not caring about her as well as not being attracted to her. all of these things are false, as i never slept around or thought about it, and she is gorgeous, not in the sense of just gorgeous to me. . .but drop dead stunning.

 

she would come to my work almost on a weekly basis pretty intoxicated and then start throwing out the accusations of me sleeping with my cocktail waiteresses (as i am a bartender/manager) and customers. it came to the point where i made it clear that she was not allowed in the bar anymore.

 

after dealing with this for the 6-8 months, give or take. i had enough. after a fight i told her" if this ever happens again I will leave you" guess what it happened again, not just once but three times and i still did not live up to what i said. then we took a trip

 

went to portland in july for a wedding of one of her best friends. my ex and i had a wonderful time there, quite honestly one the happiest times in the past 6-8 months. yet, even on the first evenining of being there we had another fight over nothing, she just went ballistic on me for nothing. anyway, in the morning she aplogized and of course i let it go. (she had actually been doing better over the past month or so). anyway, the rest of the trip was good just a week though. after the wedding she was to spend a month on the mainland visiting her extended family and friends (as we live in hawaii and one must take advantage of going to the mainland).

 

when i got back to hawaii i was feeling rather empty and depressed because she was not around. i took a week off of work and just hung around the house. when i finally went back to work i got into the groove of things again. felt pretty darn happy.

 

however i started a new medication. you see, i have a bipolar disorder as well as an anxiety disorder(both of which my ex knew about and helped me with). this new medication made me go manic (a state where i make irratinal decisions and basically throw caution to the wind without a care in the world). i had drank moderately for the past 4years, even went two of them without drinking at all. but, when i hit this manic point i just went crazy with drinking. downing bottles of jack left and right/staying up until sunrise, etc.

 

i had realized that i was happy, whether or not it was medication induced, i felt happy. so, i take full responsibility for this. i realized how great it was to go out and not have the evening end in a hell raising fight. then i met this girl. she was pretty refreshing to have in my life. but, she was just a friend and nothing more. no hanky panky at all. quite honestly since i broke up with my ex (july) i have not had the desire to sleep with anyone, and there have been opportunities.

 

so i my ex started to feel like i was drifting away, and she called me out on it during our last phone converstation. i did not want to tell her then but she knew something was wrong and i didnt want to lie to her. so i told her i was breaking up with her because i realized how happy i was and that i felt like i lost my love for her, and that we were moving in two seperate directions. she wants to stay here in hawaii and i want to move possibly overseas for grad school. and that the ridiculous fights had just been too much for me. that moment is seared into my mind. i cant stop thinking about it; when she said, as she was crying "are you serious, are you serious, are you serious, are you really breaking up with me?" that moment broke my heart and continues to every day.

 

anyway, this friend that i had made just moved to hawaii and needed a place to stay, and as my ex moved out i needed a room mate.

 

my ex moved out to an apartment about 20 feet away from mine. she can actually seen into my balcony and bedroom from the garage of the building.

 

so, it is hard as hell to see her and my dog walking around the same neighborhood; because honestly I WANT ANOTHER CHANCE WITH HER. i know i f'd it up. i have asked her for her forgiveness, have gotten angry when she says she is going out and metting guys, have not been able to get her off my mind.

 

we met the other day so i could drop some stuff of hers off. we talked a little and she said as much as she hates to admit it there is a part of her that still cares about me. (what the heck does that mean)?

 

she knows i want a second chance; at this point i do not know what to do. do i wait or do i go out and take those sexual liasons that have been thrown in my lap from other women.

 

i cant think(my school work has taken a dramatic dive/had a 3.89 gpa, but at the end of this i will be graduating (hopefully) with a drastically lower gpa. i dream about her every night. i am romanticizing our relationship and hope she has not moved on.

 

we went through a lot together. she had her faults and i had mine. it just sucks that everywhere we went people saw the punchy side of her. and many people were happy for me when i broke up with her. the only two people who were not was myself and her. thanks for reading and. . .

 

any advise would be appreciated.

[mimiminx]

I feel like you are my ex from so many things you said. Odd coincidence that you went to Portland, and Hawaii.. my ex went to Portland in August back to his hometown and is staying there until November, we went to Hawaii last year and spent almost a year there... anyway...

You were fed up with her drinking problem.. i know and have been there personally when I drink I have gone ballistic on my ex.. for no reason. It's a sign of insecurity of course. He would often get fed up with me too. He ended it in August, not for the reason you left your girl but I think that he just got fed up with a lot, we had problems with communication, my insecurities, being much too emotionally dependent on him, etc.. He says he still loves me, misses me, thinks about me all the time, breaking up has been very hard for him as well..I'm sure that he's concerned about what I'm doing, if I'm seeing anyone else, which I am absolutely not ready to do yet. We still have feelings for eachother. My point is by relaying my story, that if you want another chance with her, my best advice is to give it time. She is not going to change her ways overnight, if ever. If you do come back together, don't you think she'd treat you the same way? It would return to the same cycle.

Does SHE want to be together? If you told her where you stand, again.. my best advice is for you to give it some time. Set a timeline. If you do want to work it out with her, it will definitely not happen overnight. Time is the only way I think. I think being with other women right now is not the best idea as you are definitely hung up on this girl.

I recently told my ex that I would like us to work things out, as I feel I contributed a lot to our breakup. He knows where I stand. The ball is in his court. Unfortunately, I don't think he's got it in him to come back to me and he is letting it go.. (I have to tell myself that)

In the meantime, I am going silent on him, I've said enough, I was honest. I think you should go NC for a month at least. Give her some time, give yourself some time too. Disassociate yourself from her completely right now. This doesn't have to be permanent, just in the immediate future. Focus on yourself, not what she's doing or thinking. Live your own life, take this time for you. If you're still in love with her, being with other women right now will definitely leave a void in you. Give her some time. She knows how you feel. But in the meantime, I do not suggest maintaining contact with her. It may make things worse. Leave her alone for awhile... let things rest with her. She needs that. You broke up with her.. she is incredibly hurt, understandably. Think about it, if someone broke your heart and wanted to get back together, don't you think you'd be wary too? I would. Honestly, if you told her how you feel and have apologized, you've done everything you could. Let her be now.

[northstar1]

ok, first of all i admit that i am the one at fault in this situation. so here goes.

 

my ex has a problem when she drinks. she gets really punchy and quite often, if not all the time starts pretty big fights. . .accusing me of infidelity, and not caring about her as well as not being attracted to her. all of these things are false, as i never slept around or thought about it, and she is gorgeous, not in the sense of just gorgeous to me. . .but drop dead stunning.

 

she would come to my work almost on a weekly basis pretty intoxicated and then start throwing out the accusations of me sleeping with my cocktail waiteresses (as i am a bartender/manager) and customers. it came to the point where i made it clear that she was not allowed in the bar anymore.

 

after dealing with this for the 6-8 months, give or take. i had enough. after a fight i told her" if this ever happens again I will leave you" guess what it happened again, not just once but three times and i still did not live up to what i said. then we took a trip

 

went to portland in july for a wedding of one of her best friends. my ex and i had a wonderful time there, quite honestly one the happiest times in the past 6-8 months. yet, even on the first evenining of being there we had another fight over nothing, she just went ballistic on me for nothing. anyway, in the morning she aplogized and of course i let it go. (she had actually been doing better over the past month or so). anyway, the rest of the trip was good just a week though. after the wedding she was to spend a month on the mainland visiting her extended family and friends (as we live in hawaii and one must take advantage of going to the mainland).

 

when i got back to hawaii i was feeling rather empty and depressed because she was not around. i took a week off of work and just hung around the house. when i finally went back to work i got into the groove of things again. felt pretty darn happy.

 

however i started a new medication. you see, i have a bipolar disorder as well as an anxiety disorder(both of which my ex knew about and helped me with). this new medication made me go manic (a state where i make irratinal decisions and basically throw caution to the wind without a care in the world). i had drank moderately for the past 4years, even went two of them without drinking at all. but, when i hit this manic point i just went crazy with drinking. downing bottles of jack left and right/staying up until sunrise, etc.

 

i had realized that i was happy, whether or not it was medication induced, i felt happy. so, i take full responsibility for this. i realized how great it was to go out and not have the evening end in a hell raising fight. then i met this girl. she was pretty refreshing to have in my life. but, she was just a friend and nothing more. no hanky panky at all. quite honestly since i broke up with my ex (july) i have not had the desire to sleep with anyone, and there have been opportunities.

 

so i my ex started to feel like i was drifting away, and she called me out on it during our last phone converstation. i did not want to tell her then but she knew something was wrong and i didnt want to lie to her. so i told her i was breaking up with her because i realized how happy i was and that i felt like i lost my love for her, and that we were moving in two seperate directions. she wants to stay here in hawaii and i want to move possibly overseas for grad school. and that the ridiculous fights had just been too much for me. that moment is seared into my mind. i cant stop thinking about it; when she said, as she was crying "are you serious, are you serious, are you serious, are you really breaking up with me?" that moment broke my heart and continues to every day.

 

anyway, this friend that i had made just moved to hawaii and needed a place to stay, and as my ex moved out i needed a room mate.

 

my ex moved out to an apartment about 20 feet away from mine. she can actually seen into my balcony and bedroom from the garage of the building.

 

so, it is hard as hell to see her and my dog walking around the same neighborhood; because honestly I WANT ANOTHER CHANCE WITH HER. i know i f'd it up. i have asked her for her forgiveness, have gotten angry when she says she is going out and metting guys, have not been able to get her off my mind.

 

we met the other day so i could drop some stuff of hers off. we talked a little and she said as much as she hates to admit it there is a part of her that still cares about me. (what the heck does that mean)?

 

she knows i want a second chance; at this point i do not know what to do. do i wait or do i go out and take those sexual liasons that have been thrown in my lap from other women.

 

i cant think(my school work has taken a dramatic dive/had a 3.89 gpa, but at the end of this i will be graduating (hopefully) with a drastically lower gpa. i dream about her every night. i am romanticizing our relationship and hope she has not moved on.

 

we went through a lot together. she had her faults and i had mine. it just sucks that everywhere we went people saw the punchy side of her. and many people were happy for me when i broke up with her. the only two people who were not was myself and her. thanks for reading and. . .

 

any advise would be appreciated.

 

I don't understand why you want a second chance with her? She obviously had issues and became toxic. And since you have your own demons to beat, do you really think the two of you are good together? It seems that together it is just a recipe for disaster and you will both drag each other down.

[chrisng2]

I agree with northstar1 on this, seriously you are much better off without your ex, you need some time to sort yourself out and fix your issues.

 

Also your ex will most likely push you away anyway, she knows you want her back and this is making her ego grow by the day! If you really want her back give her some space and get on with your life, she will miss you before long and most likely slowly try and get back with you.

[tommycapnpants]

thank you for your input guys/gals. our relationship did feel toxic and that is why i ended it. pretty lost and confused. it is as if i was the one that was dumped. it is hard to come to terms with the loss, in the fact that we both put so much effor into our relationship. . .all that what was and all that could have been. the worst part is that she was the first friend i made here in hawaii when i moved here 4 years ago. now i lost that too. going nc sounds like the best thing to do. coming to terms with the situation and finally becoming comfortable enough to truly let it go. mimiminx, you sound like you are reaching the same point. thank you for sharing your experieces with me. it has helped me see that there are always two different perspectives; rather than just saying do this or that because it is right; you were kind enough to share a part of yourself. . .so thanks!!!! hawaii huh? which island?

[mimiminx]

We were on Maui most of the time.. spent a month on the Big Island, 4 in Maui (Lahaina) -loved it- then Oahu for 2, lived in Wahiawa and Waikiki. We mostly lived on his sailboat, it was quite an experience, tough sometimes but I'll never forget it! How about you? Where do you live over there?

Thanks for what you said- I do think coming to peace with things is the best place to be. It's out of your hands now.. and mine too.

[tommycapnpants]

yes, finding that peace can sometimes feel like youre grabbing for something so etheral. strangest dream the other night. . . i was grabbing at all these tiny little hearts, screaming "where are you?" (kida corny now that i think of it, but hey it was what i was feeling). im trying my best to drown myself in my school work and my old hobbies. about to go surf and then hit the gym. no work nor school today, so have to keep myself occupied; rather than sitting here and thinking about the intangible. no facebook, no moping; just getting the hell out there and doing something. its kinda strange mimi, you say that your break up is really hard on the dumper. i can completely empathize with how he is feeling. i am sure it is not exactly the same, but i can understand. "let her be" is what you said and that simple sentence speaks volumes. when i get weirded out i tell myself "just breathe". let her be carries the same weight. so thank you.

 

maui is a beautiful island. my favorite island is the big island. my ex is from the east side of the B.I. fell in love with the diversity in plant/sea life and climate areas...i think it has 11 of the worlds 13 climate types.

 

i dont want to run away from hawaii, but i am ready to leave. just hope i am not running away for the wrong reason. its always good to run to something and not away. before the breakup i felt like we were gonna leave together in search for something beautiful. but, then again she never wanted to leave. so, now i hope i am not running away from her.

 

just breathe. . . right?

[batinhell66]

Brah, she was toxic.

 

What's wrong with leaving the island? Honestly if there's nothing here for you, don't force it. Sometimes you have to leave in order to remember why you're doing things. Take a step back and breathe.

 

I've seen relationships like this end up in crazy situations. Big Island girls can get nuts but in all seriousness, from that point on (the drinking and aggression), it becomes borderline manic and not at all how someone in love should react. Assuming she knows about her irrational behavior while/after drinking and she hasn't changed, then I surmise that she just doesn't want to try enough to keep you. Meanness ruins relationships. In the end you want someone who brings out the best in you, not the worst.

 

Trust me, I used to be like that with my ex. As much as we loved each other, he couldn't stand the **** I put him though in the end. Sure, he had his faults, but I definitely contributed, and see that now in hindsight.

 

Hawaii can really choke you. Go to the mainland for a bit. At the very least, you'll appreciate what you had here, or you'll move on and do badass things.

 

There's never a wrong decision in life, just decisions. No worry, beef curry

[tommycapnpants]

thannks bat for the input. she definitely recognized her faults when drunk. every morning after she would apologize and cry. kept forgiving and forgetting for months on end. i guess it just all boiled over (even though she had been doing better). i guess when she was on the mainland i just realized that all the crap that we went through was not what a healthy relationship should have. so, i ended it. but in retrospect i am feeling like i gave up the best thing in my life. frikin being human huh?!? we tend to look back at all the good times. we need someone to remind us of why we actually took the action to end it. but, then after i am reminded of that. . . i forget just as fast. seeing you write "big island girls can get nuts" made me laugh, because it is a stereotype but jesus it can be so true. my ex would be the first to say it too. i have made so many friends here with my ex, and so many on my own. but still feel trapped. just waiting to finish my second degree at UH and then i will see where to go from there. was going to enter a masters program, but now i think im justt gonna save and save and save and hit the road for a few years. head back to the philippines where i grew up, and then back to thailand (one of my favortie places i have ever lived) then africa, who knows. just want to see and experience. maybe it is better that we are not together anymore. this upcoming part of my life will teach me a lot. just got to find some peace until then.

 

in a week or two i will be moving out of the apartment we shared. it sux coming home and still seeing her phantom in every corner. not to mention she moved to an apartment about 20 feet away from here. as i said earlier it is hard to see her walking our dog. and that fuzzy little sh*t wags its tail and yips becuase it recognizes me. i just want to run over and hug them both, but i just wave.

 

so thanks for the words bat. . .thanks for the laugh!!!

[tommycapnpants]

Spent 3 nights with my ex. It was nice but felt reluctance from her when we kissed. Then today she said it would be too hard right now. I let it all out but she said no. I guess I really killed that spark when I broke her heart. Don't want to wait for her but probably will. O snap life is so funny.at least we tried. This will help me learn how to act differently in my next relationship. I think trying just made it worst again. Shattered into a thousand pieces again.

[tommycapnpants]

i want her back. what should i do? maybe we took it too fast when we tried to get back together again? start slowly maybe? she is open to keeping contact. should i go nc. or should i keep in contact and try to romance her again, but slowly.. as friends first?

[tommycapnpants]

when she told me it was too hard right now. she said she needed more time. i pressured her into giving me an answer, so the answer was no, we can not get back together now. maybe in the future but not now. what should i do guys/gals? tearing up my insides over this. i love this woman to death and feel like my world is spinning out of control.

[Lamak]

You need to just get away from her. It's f'ing with your mind.