valky Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 So I started seeing a girl six months ago. We hit it off instantaneously; interests, personalities, physically, emotionally... everything was golden. Over the course of the past six months we have have traveled to different states, had many adventures, and found love. We are engaged. I am 24 and she is 22. Time spent with her is seen through a euphoric looking glass. We recently realized that we had begun sacrificing a lot in our everyday lives to sustain the adventures we had been having. She missed her MCAT test date, we spent hours on the phone when we said we would limit the time to 30 minutes. Add into that we had unforeseen drama - stuff that was truly neither person's fault but added uncertainty to the situation. She began to pull away just for the need for space - and I resisted. I've always been one to confront issues and fight for what I want and I thought we could work everything out together. Needless to say, this was the wrong approach - but she stood by me as I came to realize we both needed space. We are a week into going without phone contact and we've made plans for the weekends ahead. I travel out of town every week and she's very busy with school so one day each week is what we decided to limit our contact to emails and once-a-week in person as we try to move towards loving in moderation. She says she loves me more as she recognizes how hard it was for me to come to this realization, and I still am in love with her. Has anyone been in a similar situation where two people were so euphorically and unconditionally enamored that it began to hurt aspects of their life outside of the relationship? I feel confident that after having discovered an altruistic love that I can give us the control we both need. Advice?
boogieboy Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Ugh, shes 22, she is still finding out who she is. She might be a lil sick of you now, especially since you pushed yourself on her when she asked for space. Sometimes young girls like that shift loves like underwear. She might have found someone else, or she might have just had enough of you. Give her all the space she needs, let her initiate all contact. Give her a chance to miss you. But prepare for her to say she wants out. "I need Space" usually means "I want to break up with you but in a nice way". Next time, give the next girl a lil room to breathe, dont smother her.
GorillaTheater Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 I'm leaning towards BB's take, and would also add that if you've only known each other 6 months, and have been engaged for at least some part of that time, she may be feeling like the two of you have moved too quickly, particularly at your ages. And she might be right.
Author valky Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 Maybe I didn't explain it as clearly as I should have... Her facebook status still says we are engaged and she's been sending me small msgs every night before she goes to bed along the lines of "goodnight, I love you". Not to mention she said her love has grown for me as she sees I'm trying. With all of this you really think the situation is that bad?
GorillaTheater Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Maybe I didn't explain it as clearly as I should have... Her facebook status still says we are engaged and she's been sending me small msgs every night before she goes to bed along the lines of "goodnight, I love you". Not to mention she said her love has grown for me as she sees I'm trying. With all of this you really think the situation is that bad? Maybe not. Give her some space and time and see how it pans out. Like BB said, give her a chance to miss you.
boogieboy Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Maybe I didn't explain it as clearly as I should have... Her facebook status still says we are engaged and she's been sending me small msgs every night before she goes to bed along the lines of "goodnight, I love you". Not to mention she said her love has grown for me as she sees I'm trying. With all of this you really think the situation is that bad? Yeah my ex did this to me to. She is keeping you on the hook, she is making sure you still want her. Thats bad if she doesnt want you. All you can do is wait her out. For now just treat it like the classic situation, where she is texting you every night to keep you on the backburner just in case the new guy she is working on doesnt work out. Problem is you never know how long that will take, and she'll never admit to it. So for now dont believe anything she says, she might be telling you what you need to hear to keep you on the hook. She might be realizeing she shouldnt have said yes at 22, you did move too fast. Reply to her texts with short answers. "Good night". She pulled away, so you pull away further. She might need to think things, but thats not usually the way it goes. Its usually because theres someone else in the picture, especially since shes 22. Dont wait for her, start to move your life on. DOnt push her, let her keep sending you texts, but dont give her the idea that you are waiting for her. I dont believe for one second that she needs space.
Author valky Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 Yeah my ex did this to me to. She is keeping you on the hook, she is making sure you still want her. Thats bad if she doesnt want you. All you can do is wait her out. For now just treat it like the classic situation, where she is texting you every night to keep you on the backburner just in case the new guy she is working on doesnt work out. Problem is you never know how long that will take, and she'll never admit to it. So for now dont believe anything she says, she might be telling you what you need to hear to keep you on the hook. She might be realizeing she shouldnt have said yes at 22, you did move too fast. Reply to her texts with short answers. "Good night". She pulled away, so you pull away further. She might need to think things, but thats not usually the way it goes. Its usually because theres someone else in the picture, especially since shes 22. Dont wait for her, start to move your life on. DOnt push her, let her keep sending you texts, but dont give her the idea that you are waiting for her. I dont believe for one second that she needs space. Wait - there is not another person involved, unless you are reading between the lines on her actions. She doesn't have any more time to spend with another person (plus I trust her). We have made plans to spend the next couple weekends together but cut out phone conversations until we believe we can moderate the time we give each other more efficiently. How can I show her that we can do this? Basically I want to know if anyone has been in a relationship where self-control was hard on both ends (she admits she enters a very euphoric state and disregards many of her own responsibilities). It's hard for me as well. But we both need to see that we can love each other in moderation in order to work towards something greater.
boogieboy Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Wait - there is not another person involved, unless you are reading between the lines on her actions. She doesn't have any more time to spend with another person (plus I trust her). We have made plans to spend the next couple weekends together but cut out phone conversations until we believe we can moderate the time we give each other more efficiently. How can I show her that we can do this? Basically I want to know if anyone has been in a relationship where self-control was hard on both ends (she admits she enters a very euphoric state and disregards many of her own responsibilities). It's hard for me as well. But we both need to see that we can love each other in moderation in order to work towards something greater. You dont know there isnt another person involved! You arent with her all the time anymore..... Youre only here for 3 posts, if you read around you would know that typically in a "space" situation the person that asks for space is already moving on to someone new, and you cant trust what they say. And its happened to me. So I can read between the lines. You think your situation is unique, but everyone does when they come here. Your situation is pretty typical and had been posted over and over again, and always ends with the same result. Check the breakup threads. Everything your girl is doing is typical insecure behavior. People dont need space from you when they are truly in love with you when nothing was going wrong. People dont cut phone calls short when they WANT to talk to you. You cant show her anything, since you are waiting for her, the ball is in her court. Since she started this nonsense, she has to earn your trust.
Author valky Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 You dont know there isnt another person involved! You arent with her all the time anymore..... Youre only here for 3 posts, if you read around you would know that typically in a "space" situation the person that asks for space is already moving on to someone new, and you cant trust what they say. And its happened to me. So I can read between the lines. You think your situation is unique, but everyone does when they come here. Your situation is pretty typical and had been posted over and over again, and always ends with the same result. Check the breakup threads. Everything your girl is doing is typical insecure behavior. People dont need space from you when they are truly in love with you when nothing was going wrong. People dont cut phone calls short when they WANT to talk to you. You cant show her anything, since you are waiting for her, the ball is in her court. Since she started this nonsense, she has to earn your trust. Suppose you are right, that would make it very easy for me to move past her. But jump on my bandwagon for a second. I trust her, we share google calendars and we are both extremely busy people. We literally carve out time for each other. I just want to know some common practices to getting to a point where we can control the time we spend with each other - so that it isn't all or nothing when it comes to space. I want moderation. How do we get there? I'm seeing her on Saturday - what are some of the things I can do to demonstrate that I have changed and will no longer take away from her time and grades? 30 minutes is more than manageable for the both of us, but after failed attempts - how do we get back to a point where we believe in moderation?
boogieboy Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Suppose you are right, that would make it very easy for me to move past her. But jump on my bandwagon for a second. I trust her, we share google calendars and we are both extremely busy people. We literally carve out time for each other. I just want to know some common practices to getting to a point where we can control the time we spend with each other - so that it isn't all or nothing when it comes to space. I want moderation. How do we get there? I'm seeing her on Saturday - what are some of the things I can do to demonstrate that I have changed and will no longer take away from her time and grades? 30 minutes is more than manageable for the both of us, but after failed attempts - how do we get back to a point where we believe in moderation? To answer your question, to moderate your time, then you let her initiate ALL of the conversations and meetings. Dont call her, dont text her. If she says "call/text me later", then tell her "I think its better if you call me if you call me later". Let her make the meetup times. Dont ask her out, let her want to see you. Dont say "we should do this", but you can talk about things that look fun to do, and let her suggest when to do it. DOnt count on anything she says though. Once she sees you backing up, she will look for more of you...maybe. If she never winds up making another meeting, then youre in trouble. Right now, since she wanted space, you cant do anything. No one wants space from someone they really love. The space line is bullshyt. The ball is in her court. She has to WANT the change from you. if you two are too busy, there should be no problem with her getting her space. But think about it, if you two cant make your schedules match up, its the perfect opportunity for her to run into someone who can fit in her time, if she lost interest in you. What you do on Saturday is this: Dont talk about the relationship until she brings it up, and then let her lead the conversation, dont argue with her, dont push. Make sure you make yourself look good. Be happy and excited about whats happening in your life, like shes missing out. Talk about stuff that will engage good conversation her that has nothing to do with her and you, fun conversations. (Jessica Simpsons dog perhaps...stuff in the news, fun stories about people you know.) make yourself fun to hang around again. Think of it as a new date. Dont be a downer. Keep her smiling, laughing, like youre a new and better person. Dont ask her about the past of you two, dont ask her about personal life, dont pry, let her bring it up. if she says shes doing something she enjoys, compliment her on it. The idea of what youre doing is youre subtly demonstrating that you dont need her, and she is missing out on you. The alternative is to confess your love for her, but for someone who is pulling away, that just pushes them away more, got me? Heres the problem, if she DOESNT bring up the relationship, then she doesnt want to talk about it, which means she doesnt want to work on it, and it will therefore be over. You have to prepare yourself for that. As much as I dont want to shyt on you, she might be meeting with you to break it off. If thats the case, I would end the meeting immediately and never speak to her again. Dont make it ok for her to do this to you, its ok to let her feel bad, she deserves it. You wont feel that way now, but it will help your case. Once a woman has in her mind that she wants to dump you, shes been mulling it over for a while, so theres nothing you can say. You can only show her whats shes missing, but it usually doesnt make a difference. The reason she deserves to feel guilt is because shes been thinking about it for a month or so, and didnt say anything to you, which means she knew she didnt want to make it work with you.
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