Ranting...negativity about men/relationships. Tired of it.

[hey_beautiful]

I am in a good relationship...my relationship in't the problem here, but it's the over-thinking that has me all nervous. My parents are divorced, my SO's parents are divorce. Both ended in part because of infidelity. Am I crazy for letting those things get to me to the point where I fear for my own relationship even though there is nothing wrong? I think about marriage, we talk about marriage, and all I keep replaying in my head are the divorces, and thinking that I will end up on the same path. My mom and I talk all the time, and every time I am upset about something she is always accusing my boyfriend of cheating on me (my dad cheated on her). I am just sick and tired of her trying to tell me my relationship is on the same path. My BF and I spend our nights together, I pick him up from work and we hang out all night. When the hell is this cheating going on? I can't believe me being upset over work going rough that day turns into yet another speech about how "guys are idiots", how they are all scumbags and how they all cheat. I know this isn't true, but the negativity is getting to me. My BF and I have recently started semi-talking about marriage, acknowledging that a proposal is on the way, and we plan to be together forever. I find myself less and less excited because I feel like my mom is totally rooting against me. I am sorry that she is hurt, but her comments are starting to drive me crazy. I know my BF, he is not cheating. He doesn't beat me or talk bad to me. I am upset for reasons that do not pertain to him, and I am tired of the accusations...period. I get a bruise on my knee, she tells me he is beating me. He is playing a video game, that means he doesn't love me. Enough of those comments can really mess with you. I have tried talking to her, but nothing changes. I do not talk to her about my relationship at all, since I am trying to avoid more and more negativity. How can I stop this from getting to me so much? I just want to punch her in the face sometimes. She ignored all the red flags, my f*cking boyfriend has no red flags at all! He is not the shady, lying, drug dealing person who obsesses over ex girlfriends and who gets married to random people on dares -- that is my dad. There is a VERY big difference between my dad and my boyfriend. My mom even LIKES my boyfriend. Why can't she just be happy for us? Why can't she leave well enough alone and learn to not make crazy assumptions. It hurts my feelings and it hurt my boyfriend's feelings. Ugh...I don't know...I'm just ranting.

[mem11363]

I have never cheated on my wife. She is a great wife. Of the 10 guys I know really well - I mean really well, two of them cheat. The others don't.

 

A great therapist taught my friend to do this with her mother. As soon as her mom started talking toxic, she would just say, "mom, sorry I need to go, talk to you soon". Thats it. You can't change them, but you terminate the discussion/visit immediately. If it is a family event just say, sorry just realized I need to do something, lets talk later.

 

She will totally get what you are doing. And she will likely attack you for a while for being cold/mean, but if you stick to it, she will learn to stop. But the whole trick is to NOT let her draw you into an argument when you go to end the call/leave the house. Just say in a firm sympathetic voice, sorry mom I have to go. And then end it. If she is a difficult person she will call right back. That is when you use text messaging and send one text message saying "busy now, lets talk tomorrow". Ignore everything else.

 

If you DON'T do this eventually she will make you angry and bitter like she is. You sound great - don't let that happen.

 

Good men don't cheat. They just don't. Sorry your mom had bad taste in men.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I am in a good relationship...my relationship in't the problem here, but it's the over-thinking that has me all nervous. My parents are divorced, my SO's parents are divorce. Both ended in part because of infidelity. Am I crazy for letting those things get to me to the point where I fear for my own relationship even though there is nothing wrong? I think about marriage, we talk about marriage, and all I keep replaying in my head are the divorces, and thinking that I will end up on the same path. My mom and I talk all the time, and every time I am upset about something she is always accusing my boyfriend of cheating on me (my dad cheated on her). I am just sick and tired of her trying to tell me my relationship is on the same path. My BF and I spend our nights together, I pick him up from work and we hang out all night. When the hell is this cheating going on? I can't believe me being upset over work going rough that day turns into yet another speech about how "guys are idiots", how they are all scumbags and how they all cheat. I know this isn't true, but the negativity is getting to me. My BF and I have recently started semi-talking about marriage, acknowledging that a proposal is on the way, and we plan to be together forever. I find myself less and less excited because I feel like my mom is totally rooting against me. I am sorry that she is hurt, but her comments are starting to drive me crazy. I know my BF, he is not cheating. He doesn't beat me or talk bad to me. I am upset for reasons that do not pertain to him, and I am tired of the accusations...period. I get a bruise on my knee, she tells me he is beating me. He is playing a video game, that means he doesn't love me. Enough of those comments can really mess with you. I have tried talking to her, but nothing changes. I do not talk to her about my relationship at all, since I am trying to avoid more and more negativity. How can I stop this from getting to me so much? I just want to punch her in the face sometimes. She ignored all the red flags, my f*cking boyfriend has no red flags at all! He is not the shady, lying, drug dealing person who obsesses over ex girlfriends and who gets married to random people on dares -- that is my dad. There is a VERY big difference between my dad and my boyfriend. My mom even LIKES my boyfriend. Why can't she just be happy for us? Why can't she leave well enough alone and learn to not make crazy assumptions. It hurts my feelings and it hurt my boyfriend's feelings. Ugh...I don't know...I'm just ranting.

[hey_beautiful]

Thanks for that, it made me calm down a bit more. I feel bad for blowing off my mother, and I have done what you have suggested...and it works, and I feel peace when I am not speaking to her, but it always starts again. I guess I will just need to make more of an effort to tell her that she is staring to cross some lines. I love her, I really do...but not every relationship is a re-play of hers. I wish she could see past her own nose long enough to realize that her bitterness is unbecoming and to subject your daughter to your negativity makes it worse in the end.

[Scottdmw]

I would second what the other poster suggested.

 

I have personally had the experience of seeing my engagement ruined by my ex-fiancé's parents. I'm sure they have their side of the story, but to me it just seems like they kept raining negativity and problems on my ex. This would in turn cause her to become upset with me, and make us have a bunch of arguments that we didn't need to have. In the end the constant negativity destroyed our relationship. I kept asking her to just stop listening to her parents but it seemed like she couldn't do it. She would even do things like fly out to see them to tell them in person that it had to end, but they wouldn't listen.

 

I know this sort of thing must be really hard for you. You want to have a good relationship with your mom and listen to her concerns. But, I feel like whenever people start to repeat themselves over and over like this, they go way beyond the bounds of constructive dialogue. At a certain point the other person just wants to get things their way. They want to see their view of reality validated. Anything that goes against that is sort of an attack on their self-esteem. The farther you let the other person go arguing their point of view, the more they have invested in being right about it. The only solution is not to let them go that far in the first place.

 

I would really suggest you don't try to talk to your mother any more about these things. The more you try to argue with her the more she will dig in her heels on her position. The more you present reasons why your boyfriend is a good man, the more reasons she will come up with why he isn't. The reasons may make no sense at all but it won't matter. Basically you can't win this debate, because it's not really a rational thing for your mother. It's an emotional response made up partly of her sense of protectiveness about you and partly about not wanting to admit she is wrong. If she admits she is wrong, she is basically admitting that she did something harmful to her child by trying to talk you out of a good relationship. That idea is something she probably can't deal with because she also feels so protective and loving of you. That's why it's going to be really hard for her to admit she's wrong and why it probably does make sense not to bring it up. It's also why the more you let it go on the worse it will get. Don't let her say a lot of negative things.

 

I wish you the best. I know it's tough.

 

Scott

[Jersey Shortie]

Why don't you just be honest to your mom about how her comments make you feel? Clearly your mom is very hurt and that's understandable but if her comments are dragging you down and affecting your relationship with her, I bet she would rather have her daughter then her comments. Just be open, candid, kind to her when you talk to her about it. My parents went through a bad patch and sometimes my Mom would say things about my dad. In all honesty, they were true but i didn't want to be the person she told her marital problems to because he is still my dad after all. So I just said to her "Mom, I love you and I love dad and that is why it's so hard to hear you talk about him the way you are right now. You need to find someone else to talk about these things to. I know he has done stuff that hurt you and I wish he hadn't but I can't be caught in the middle. " She got the message. She will still discuss things with me about my dad and that's fine but sometimes the comments were crossing the line and giving me heartburn and anxiety.

[boogieboy]

Back off from visiting your mom for a while. Maybe make your visits less frequent. Then when she asks why, you tell her the reason. "mom, I love my bf, and I cant take your negative talk about him. So I will keep avoiding you until you stop."

[Nikki Sahagin]

I let myself be poisoned by a negative view of men also.

 

I had had a few experiences where men had tried to attack and assault me.

Seen a lot of friends cheated on.

Then just used general social/cultural things like rap music/porn/words like 'b!tch' etc just casually thrown around...to have a negative view of men, like a natural perspective.

I thought the worst of men always.

 

I thought and still partially do that men are weak, led by their desires and libidos and can never stay faithful. I used this view to push men away thinking before they'd even done anything, that they would hurt me/control me/belittle me/cheat on me/use me/lie to me etc. Basically that they could do nothing positive to me.

 

The point is SOME men will, but not ALL.

And similarly, many women will too. We aren't perfect and human beings are all the same. There may be differences between men and women but anyone can be bad.

 

People that try to infiltrate your mind with negatives are being jealous or spiteful. Talk to your husband and try to keep positive. You can spoil a good thing by worrying, and worrying never actually prevented anything bad from happening. Just go with the flow and replace that negative tape player in your mind with positives.

[mem11363]

HB,

I didn't say this quite right the first time. It is not possible for you to change your mothers negative view of men. So the only, only thing you can do is prevent her from injecting the poison in you. And you may have some success if you can get her to agree to not talk about your BF, or men in general when she is with you. If she wants to be hateful and negative she can do it with her friends, just not with you.

 

My mother and I ended up agreeing to NOT discuss one topic - ever - because it was such a sore spot. And we were both good about not bringing it up.

 

If she plays by the rules for a LONG time, you can give her some new ground rules and let her be in the same room with you and BF. Just thinking ahead to if you get married - Christmas holidays etc...

 

 

Thanks for that, it made me calm down a bit more. I feel bad for blowing off my mother, and I have done what you have suggested...and it works, and I feel peace when I am not speaking to her, but it always starts again. I guess I will just need to make more of an effort to tell her that she is staring to cross some lines. I love her, I really do...but not every relationship is a re-play of hers. I wish she could see past her own nose long enough to realize that her bitterness is unbecoming and to subject your daughter to your negativity makes it worse in the end.

[Stroon]

its a shame that your mum badmouths your fella and men generally.

 

My nan's husband (my grandad) left her when my mum was about 4.

Consequently she has not been with a man since (my mum is 52)

my mum & dad are not together anymore cos my dad was a bit of a s*it, but my mum has found love with a new man who is lovely and they've been together for years now.

 

But my nan doesnt like him (or any men for that matter), even though my mum is happier than she's ever been! Basically my nan is bitter that my mum got a second chance and she didnt.

common sense would denote she would be happy for my mum, but i guess not.

Mums dont always know best.

There are lots of lovely men who would never cheat. there are lots of women who would.

Go give your fella a big squeeze and a kiss and trust only your instincts about him, everything else isnt worth listening to.

[EnigmaXOXO]

As soon as her mom started talking toxic, she would just say, "mom, sorry I need to go, talk to you soon". Thats it. You can't change them, but you terminate the discussion/visit immediately.

 

That’s great advice, mem.

 

My mom and I talk all the time, and every time I am upset about something she is always accusing my boyfriend of cheating on me

 

I think it’s great that you and your Mom are comfortable enough to confide in each other. But sometimes it’s not such a good idea to dump on our parents every time we’re upset or have a disagreement with our partner’s. Given your mom’s personal perspective on men and relationships, perhaps another close friend you trust would be a better sounding board for you. Too many complaints about your boyfriend and relationship, and it will most definitely change how your Mom feels towards him.