Cant go on like this much longer

[eveadam]

I have been married for 12 yrs and we have 5 kids,. The 3 youngest are at home and my eldest moved back in 6 months ago but will be leaving soon. The main problem is communication. My husband has always been very reserved and quiet and I've learned to deal with that to an extent. For the last few years his routine is: come home from work, go on the computer, eat, watch TV in his recliner and will fall asleep there. On occassion he will wake up and come to bed but thats usually around 5am. We dont go out anywhere which I really dont mind. The thing that does bother me is we dont do anything at home at all. I've spoken to him and asked if he could come to bed at least 2x week and he thought I meant for sex. I said its just so we can spend some time together, watch tv or talk. just cuddle etc. He said if he goes to bed too early then he will wake up around 4am. So I say , well u can always go back to your recliner after we have had our time;.but I think its just an excuse. I think I might have driven him away. We would normally have sex 3/4 times a week( I am gone 3 nights as I work the night shift) but I always felt that it was just sex. there was no intimacy. The only time he would try to be nice was right before he wanted some. I wanted a kiss here n there , a hug once in a while , just because. So I told him how I felt. He said that stuff is for young giddy girls, your're a grown woman. Well he still got sex when he wanted but he knew I was just being a dutiful wife.

I dont think there is anyone else. I haven't seen any signs and he is always at home. There is a lot of stress in the home; both financial and medical. I feel that they are there regardless; stressing about everything and ignoring our relationship only makes things worse.

The problem is I just go along with everything because he is difficult to talk to. he will not go to a counselor because( they need counseling themselves). He is a good man, a hard worker, helps take care of my mother(feeds her etc). Its just that we r too young (49) He's 50 to be acting more like we're 80. I'm sure there are 80 yr olds who have more of a life than we do.

He is very content and happy with the way things are and when I do complain or ask for some quality time then I am selfish. I've told him, I dont want gifts, I dont need to go out to dinner/movie. I just want some time with him.; he says well I'm here. He doesn't get that physically he's here but emotionally barren.

I dont know what to do. I am lonely and I try to be strong and just keep going. I know I am emotionally drained. ( I take care of my disabled mother without outside assistance) I just need my husband to say, how was your day, give me a hug, just once in a while. We would be home all day and not say more than Goodmorning all day. Its not that we're mad at each other or had a dissagreement, its just normal that way.

I cant go on like this but right now I dont have much of a choice. He is clueless and is working hard to secure our retirement, (so we can relax/ travel/ see the world) Am I being selfish? Is this behavior just a phase he's going through. I've thought maybe its men o pause. Yes men get it too but he says no. There are no problems when we do make it to bed at the same time so I'm baffled.

Any advice will be appreciated.

[RobertLS]

You've already explained to him you want more time with him, more focus on the two of you, but he's not responding. He doesn't understand the consequences of his inattentiveness. You need to make him aware of how important it is to you to feel an emotional connection with him. You can't keep it inside or else it will turn into resentment that if left unresolved will probably lead to divorce.

 

It might be hard to do this, but I would give him an ultimatum: either he gets into couples counseling with you, or possibly attends a church-based marriage group, or something like that, and starts paying attention to your needs in the marriage, or else you will make plans to leave him once the kids are all out of the house. He may get angry, but anger is what it might take to wake him up. You need to stir the pot a little.

 

If this frightens you, imagine the worst case scenario: he says "fine, go ahead and leave me." If he says that in a calm mental state, not a state of anger, then he really doesn't love you, and you should leave him anyways. Life is short and we only have one life to live. Do you want to live it the way you're currently living? If you let this go on for too long, it'll be too late.

[RedDevil66]

If you left him, he would probably try to change or freak out and miss you and make promises etc.

Well you can leave him and stay in the marriage.

I've learned this with Al Anon. Take care of you. Forget about asking him anything and don't nag him to be there for you.

Create the life you want, smile, go out, have fun and I can bet you a TRILLION $ he will take notice that you're detaching and want to play along

[2sure]

Ok, well you cant make him do anything. You cant make him make you happy and you cant help him be happier. All you can change is you. Specifically your routine. I know you dont mind staying home, it sounds like you like it. But you need a change. You need some fulfillment and some fun from another outlet. NOT another man!! But something just for you - whether its an organization or a group of women who meet for dinner and drinks, etc. I know, I know, sounds like a pain...but the result be worth it. YOU will be happier, you will feel more fulfilled, you will be more interesting/interested. All of that is catchy believe it or not...and just maybe it will spread to him. He will see that he may be missing out, it isnt that hard, and hey...My wife is interesting! At the very least at least one night a week you wont have to look at him in a freaking recliner.

[eveadam]

Thank you all for your advice. I am currently in our bedroom and u guess it he's in the other room on his recliner. I plan on getting a recliner for 2 and throw his out.

I tried going out with my girlfriends before and also to a movie by myself and it did catch his attention. The thing is my mother cannot be left alone and it is very expensive for an aide to stay with her. When I went out he kept calling saying my mom needed this and that etc, etc.

As I said I work 3 nights so we're left with 4 and my first night off I am not up for much so dont mind being alone. Its not just the nights though its all day, any day. I mean if u wanted to be alone why get married.

I will definately come up with a plan and start doing things for me. Trust me its not easy with all the kids, my mom, work and taking care of the household but I will find a way.

I am also dealing with the murder of my best friend and her son.Cant say much here; (dont know if this is allowed) Also oday my son was robbed and beaten at gunpoint walking home from school. The scumbs saw his ipod and wanted it. Thank God his injuries are minor, (cut above the eye,swollen jaw and busted lip)He is scared and very upset;so are my other kids.

Anyway I will keep you posted and let you know what my next step is.

Take care and once again, thanks.

[Angel1111]

Wow, I'm really sorry to hear about your friend and her son. That is horrible! You must be going through a lot with just that alone.

 

I can definitely see where you're coming from on this whole situation but I do think the others are right - just make yourself happy and have the attitude that if he wants to tag along, great. If not, that's great, too. It's really hard to start your life over at this point but that's not to say it can't be done. Just really tough in the sense that so much is tied to him and your marriage.

 

I don't know that he loves you or doesn't, I'd just say that love probably isn't all that important to him. But you don't feel loved and that is the important part. However, you do have your beautiful children and you'll always have a beautiful family around you. There's a lot to be said for that. I think sometimes we want to have it all and I don't really know if that's realistic or not.

 

Your situation sounds a lot like a cousin of mine. Her husband is just basically emotionally dead. They do ok with money, though, so she kind of does as she pleases and does things without him. It does bother her, though, so if this is something you aren't going to be able to make peace with, you may consider leaving him.

 

One thing is, I don't recommend getting a two-seater recliner. He'll see that as an invasion of his space and you'll just push him further away. You cannot make someone show you affection. Either you attract them to you, or find someone else to be with.