Lost Fish Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 So...essentially at about midnight on September 19th I asked her why she was being so distant and weird and she told me this little gem: "Well, I started talking to my ex again, but I don't really know what's going on..." And I immediately felt like crap. I told her "Oh...thanks for telling me. Now I know where I stand. Good luck with him." And went NC from that moment. Now she's emailed me and texted a few times, but I've been strong for the most part. Mostly little stuff like "I <3 you even though you're upset with me." Or just "ugh...i miss you" I wrote her back once last friday (on NC Day 6). "I saw your text, I'm sorry you're hurting, but what can I do? I have to respect myself." She never replied...meh. The sad fact is that she isn't trying to make amends for talking to her ex (who is a grade A d-bag, by the way). I think they most likely have hooked up and possibly are together again by now...ugh. I just had to post here because I'm 10 days into it now and somewhat miserable. I know I need to walk away...but it's still hard. I still miss her... sigh... We were friends for 2+ years before things got more serious. And she's had a rough past of addiction and abusive b/f's. Which is why I think it was easy for her to leave me for this a**hole. It's all tragic. And tiring. Posting here to channel my energy and save me from emailing or texting her... Whew - I feel better now.
rp123 Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 I'm on day 18 and its still very hard, but nothing like the first 10days! I know that this is the only way to move on, or win them back... Good luck.
Author Lost Fish Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 Thanks rp. It helps knowing that others are enduring this heartache along with me... We'll make it! I find a lot of strength and resolve in these boards.
rainbowsandkittens Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 i'm on day 8 and it sucks. so you're ahead of my game. at least your ex contacted you. mine hasn't even tried. he sent an email to my best friend and then again the next day sent her another one. since then (that was days 1 and 2) nothing. sigh. this stinks.
rp123 Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Thanks rp. It helps knowing that others are enduring this heartache along with me... We'll make it! I find a lot of strength and resolve in these boards. I'm standing right by you!!! One day at a time, I am now going for periods of around 1hour without pain. It soon comes back, but NC is THE only way....
Author Lost Fish Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 rainbows, I know how it feels. But the fact that he is reaching out to your friend at least shows he does care... I don't know the circumstances of your NC, but even him checking in with your friends is still something. Believe me, the people who are on the other end of no contact are faced with a harsh reality as well. I find that when I can switch my brain into focusing on using this time for ME instead of as a means to "win her back" (eg - if I vanish then she'll realize how much I really mean to her and come running back...ugh, not healthy thinking), then I find much more comfort. Because we ARE ok. We were whole people before these relationships began - it is now just a matter of reconnecting with that independence... And it is hard...but deep down I know I'm doing the right thing. As rp said, just take it one day at a time, or even less - one hour - one 15 minute segment. Just keep on. I send you my support and strength.
Angel1111 Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 I'm normally not a huge fan of NC but in your case, I think it's very important. No self-respecting person would behave otherwise - as you basically told her in your text. She has put you in the land of 'No Choice'. As far as her picking bad bf's, coming firsthand from someone who had a crappy guy in her life - wild horses couldn't drag me back into a situation like that again, so why she does it is a true mystery. I couldn't begin to explain it to you. All I know is that she must love the drama to go back to him. As much as you miss her, I'm sure you know that you really don't need that stuff in your life. What's going to happen is that she's going to be with the dirtbag for about a week or a month and then she'll come running back to you. I know you don't believe that but you need to see it as a possibility and decide how you'll handle it if it does happen - which it probably will.
quarterlifecrisis Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 I'm currently on Day 17, and it is finally getting easier. The first ten days were absolute f!@#ing hell. I couldn't eat, sleep, or function at work. Fight hard, and get through another week and you will definitely feel better (not great, but better). The most important thing is to truly be NC. I originally told her I wanted NC on 9/3 and had gone 9 days without speaking to her. I was definitely improving but then accidentally ran into her at a bar. When this happened, it set me all the way back to square one. I began missing her and wondering how she could have moved on so quickly to another guy (even though I was the one that adamantly told her I was not ready to commit awhile back and encouraged her to date around...yeah, I'm stupid). It was crushing to start all over, and I had to relive the first 10 days of NC a second time. Given that she is contacting you, you have to make a choice. Are you going to keep NC going on and get over her or are you going to take it as a sign that you guys have a chance. If the former, stop responding and get over her. Don't break NC for at least a month. If the latter, you need to play your cards right and not be needy and dependent. You have to make her want to be with you again by being strong and attractive rather than weak and supplicating. I still think more days of NC is the right strategy as it will allow you to clear your head and make a rationale decision. Just be warned that if it doesn't work out well you will have to re-live the first 10 very painful days a second time.
shazam Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 I'm currently on Day 17, and it is finally getting easier. The first ten days were absolute f!@#ing hell. I couldn't eat, sleep, or function at work. Fight hard, and get through another week and you will definitely feel better (not great, but better). The most important thing is to truly be NC. I originally told her I wanted NC on 9/3 and had gone 9 days without speaking to her. I was definitely improving but then accidentally ran into her at a bar. When this happened, it set me all the way back to square one. I began missing her and wondering how she could have moved on so quickly to another guy (even though I was the one that adamantly told her I was not ready to commit awhile back and encouraged her to date around...yeah, I'm stupid). It was crushing to start all over, and I had to relive the first 10 days of NC a second time. Given that she is contacting you, you have to make a choice. Are you going to keep NC going on and get over her or are you going to take it as a sign that you guys have a chance. If the former, stop responding and get over her. Don't break NC for at least a month. If the latter, you need to play your cards right and not be needy and dependent. You have to make her want to be with you again by being strong and attractive rather than weak and supplicating. I still think more days of NC is the right strategy as it will allow you to clear your head and make a rationale decision. Just be warned that if it doesn't work out well you will have to re-live the first 10 very painful days a second time. Quarterlife, this caught my attention. I am in the same situation, in love with a guy who keeps telling me he cant commit and encouraging me to date around. So I went NC and it is KILLING me. I will date to try and move on, but would much rather be with him. The NC is so he can decide to step up, or not. How do you know this girl would rather be with new guy than you? Have you told her you made a mistake and are willing to commit now?
hrtbrk hotel tenant Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 hang in there kid my ex broke it off after 3 yrs i lost 20 lbs i literally couldnt eat the food didnt have taste the air smelld stale etc then she re-enter for a brief period (i guess cuz she knew i would be there) now abruptly she stop talkin to me and i had to call her to find out whas the deal...it is now day 9 for me and i recently got back from mia beach so although it was nice i still thought of her occasionally ( her freakin name was the name of a hotel for crying out aloud!!!!!!!!!!!!) i am back home and to wrk but like now i think of her not thinkin of me and with someone else it hurts and i am anger but i know it is just really hurt i want to hate her for hurting me but i know it is deeper than that i need to mature more....hang in there do some introspection heed the signs GOd provides for u.
quarterlifecrisis Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Yeah I told her I wanted to be with her. What could I do to convince her that I'm ready? Did she still have feelings for me? What about the future - would she give me a chance then? I did this is in a pretty poor manner to be honest. I was near tears or in tears when asking. I did this both in person and on the phone but in retrospect I wish I took more action and also did it in a calmer stronger way. Actions speak louder than words. Just another item on the long list of regretful actions I took in the past few months with her. She probably thought I was desperate and emotional and didn't mean it. Her response was: - I would have been thrilled with you wanting to be with me a year ago or even six months ago. I kept thinking if I liked you enough and waited, things would work out between us. - Over time, I had to protect myself. I didn't want to keep getting hurt. After we didn't see each other for awhile (we both took summer trips and didn't chat for a few weeks), I finally got the feelings to start fading. The romantic feelings have faded a lot now. - The only way I can see us giving it a shot is if we truly became friends, dated other people, and gave it enough time so that we could start fresh. I don't want to FINALLY fall into this relationship with you after all this waiting. To be honest, I think the new guy offers her a lot more excitement and "potential" than I do right now. I don't blame her at all, but it truly hurts me that she could move on and leave me in the dust. She wanted to stay best friends, and I tried, but eventually after a couple weeks it became simply unbearable. How long have you been in NC? My guess is that the more you plead and try, the easier it is for him to reject you. If you are happy, going on dates (doesn't mean you have to be in a relationship), he will recognize you are moving on. This will either strike a chord with him and he will re-initiate or it won't. If the former, be careful and make sure he is into YOU and not just pissed that he lost (yes, same can be said for me and I had to examine and realize that I DO want to be with HER and not just have her available). Otherwise, you'll just break up later. Maybe you'll go on a few dates and realize there's someone else, quickly move on, and then he will be in my shoes. Guys, myself included, can be dumb as s@#$. Life's a b@#$$ sometimes...it's all a part of maturing and learning. For the latter, you will have to accept that he doesn't love you.
shazam Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 Thank you, Quarterlife. I think he is just not at the same place as me yet, feelings wise. We met online and spent hours and hours on the phone before even meeting. When we finally did meet, it was magical....we are both EXTREMELY attracted to one another physically. But from all our phone conversations I know about his patterns with women, he tends to only have physical relationships where he does not get his emotions involved. I resolved to not sleep with him, because I was already falling for him and I didnt want to get 'in too deep'. We both agree we have an amazing connection, but he fears commitment and wants to keep us labeled as 'friends'. Thats fine I say, I dont do sexual favors for my friends. Then I met someone new that is really interested and when I told him, he told me to date him. Thats when I asked him to not contact me so I could focus on new guy. But I miss our close friendship and broke NC yesterday after just 2 days. Why should I force him to commit just because he is not at the same place as me feelings wise? It started to feel like I was manipulating him with the silent treatment. We are great friends and will continue to be, and I will continue to date this new guy....hopefully it will get under his skin and motivate him to step the eff up! Thank you for helping me understand why sometimes men act like dumba$$es!
adamt Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 I am on month 4 of NC, not spoke to the ex since the day we split up.believe me it does get better if you stick at it. the first month is hard but you will start to improve and notice it after 2 months. You need to get busy, take up hobbies, focus on yourself and get fit and keep NC for it to work. Don't break NC for any reason. They decided to end it so keep with NC. Block them on social networks too.
Nedved Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 contacting them or talking to them ain't gonna bring back what you once had with them so for stick to NC. You have to keep telling yourself that the person you once knew is gone and the person they are now dose'nt feel the same about you anymore.
hoping2heal Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 So...essentially at about midnight on September 19th I asked her why she was being so distant and weird and she told me this little gem: "Well, I started talking to my ex again, but I don't really know what's going on..." And I immediately felt like crap. I told her "Oh...thanks for telling me. Now I know where I stand. Good luck with him." And went NC from that moment. Now she's emailed me and texted a few times, but I've been strong for the most part. Mostly little stuff like "I <3 you even though you're upset with me." Or just "ugh...i miss you" I wrote her back once last friday (on NC Day 6). "I saw your text, I'm sorry you're hurting, but what can I do? I have to respect myself." She never replied...meh. The sad fact is that she isn't trying to make amends for talking to her ex (who is a grade A d-bag, by the way). I think they most likely have hooked up and possibly are together again by now...ugh. I just had to post here because I'm 10 days into it now and somewhat miserable. I know I need to walk away...but it's still hard. I still miss her... sigh... We were friends for 2+ years before things got more serious. And she's had a rough past of addiction and abusive b/f's. Which is why I think it was easy for her to leave me for this a**hole. It's all tragic. And tiring. Posting here to channel my energy and save me from emailing or texting her... Whew - I feel better now. Honestly? Good for you! Most people do not have that kind of strength to cut someone off once they realise they are not right for them, you showed a lot of self respect. That was big time disrespectful of her to be talking to her ex behind your back, but worse of all she was obviously waiting to see if things were gonna fall into place with him. You didn't stand for it, and when she tried to text you lies like "I love you" and such; you didn't cave or fall for that either. A lot of poster's could learn from you.
tryagaintoday Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Guys, I think it will be much better if you stop counting. Nedved is right, the person you are missing is not there anymore. This person you think you are missing is just a figment of your imagination. So why not channel this imagination and look for a brand new person with these qualities that you like?
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