Have to meet the EX, your ideas

[GrayClouds]

Yes, recurring drama.

 

2.5 months of NC. She left notes and messages over the last 4 weeks about wanting to talk not sure about what, likely guilt removal. My response was NC.

 

Last week she left a note saying she had time in the middle of the week to get together for coffee. Again my response was NC. An friday she just left a note say "you have my number". I am concern that she thinks I dying about her leaving (which I not joyed about it but she doesn't need to know)

 

I am probably not ready but there is also unfinished business about money she owes that at some point soon needs to be addressed. If and when:

 

Do I put on my best face and seem like I doing great? (and she walks away thinking her actions don't matter, relieve her guilt)

 

Do I just be pure business? (then I seem still hung up on her and stroke her ego)

 

In someways I feel like this "sooner or later" meeting is holding me back from letting go. Like I am hanging some sick hope on it and need to get pass it. On the other hand I could live without being kicked in the balls again. Yes the best thing would be still NC but until I get the cash (somewhat significant amount )her ghost will be there with me.

 

A perfect world I would be upbeat but also tell her if she was looking to destroy someone, she quite skilled with her deplorable behavior but in this case was unsuccessful. But things like this never go perfect.

 

Your inquiries, ideas, insults wanted.

[CaliGuy]

I don't understand why you need to meet her.

 

Unless she owes you so much money that you can't live without it, then I would say contact an attorney and have them send a letter asking for the money.

 

Otherwise, continue avoiding her like the plague. There is no benefit to meeting with her other than perhaps closure and I am big fan of making your OWN closure. You don't need her for that.

 

You know that I did with my exes stuff?! I give it to friends to give back to them. I had no need to meet with her. And if I find any other stuff in the future, I'm going to throw it out.

 

In order to move forward, you have to let go of the past.

[hoping2heal]

I agree with Cali, alternative measures can be taken about the money she owes you. It isn't necessary to put yourself through that.

[GrayClouds]

I can't argue with caliguy or h2h. Though it seems this "meeting" is hanging over my head and keeps me thinking of the ex. And to be honest one of the reasons I originally hit the gym so hard was to look good when the time came. Not to get her back but as a nice little F*ck you. I also have to admit I am much better but still wounded by her actions.

 

So if I do shoot myself in the foot and meet with her how best to presnt myself.

 

Do I put on my best face and seem like I doing great? (and she walks away thinking her actions don't matter, relieve her guilt)

 

Do I just be pure business? (then I seem still hung up on her and stroke her ego)

 

I think it's time to get past this, the grief that is still hanging around is doing me no good anymore. I am bored with it and so is everyone around me.

 

again, your inquiries, ideas, and insults appreciated.

[hoping2heal]

I can't argue with caliguy or h2h. Though it seems this "meeting" is hanging over my head and keeps me thinking of the ex. And to be honest one of the reasons I originally hit the gym so hard was to look good when the time came. Not to get her back but as a nice little F*ck you. I also have to admit I am much better but still wounded by her actions.

 

 

So if I do shoot myself in the foot and meet with her how best to presnt myself.

 

Do I put on my best face and seem like I doing great? (and she walks away thinking her actions don't matter, relieve her guilt)

 

Do I just be pure business? (then I seem still hung up on her and stroke her ego)

 

I think it's time to get past this, the grief that is still hanging around is doing me no good anymore. I am bored with it and so is everyone around me.

 

again, your inquiries, ideas, and insults appreciated.

 

OP, the people around you may be tired of your grief, but I don't think you are nearly as tired of it as you claim. My example? The very fact that you are now choosing intentionally to go through with something that is going to cause you pain and anguish. You know it's going to do this, it doesn't HAVE to be this way, but you are chasing those hurtful feelings anyway. Why are you doing that? I don't know. Sometimes when people leave all we have left of them is the hurt they leave behind for us in their wake, we get used to associating heartache with their presence and instead of letting go, we hang on with abandon; even to the hurt. The last connection we still have with these people.

 

I also think it's a bit strange you're pondering what false(potentially; most likely) demeanor you should use to manipulate envoke different reactions from this girl. I'm not really sure what you're hoping to achieve in terms of how she will take this visit with you, but you are going to be the one who comes out the most nicked up and wounded; yet you know that deep down anyway and still feel the need to put yourself through that.

 

You should ask yourself why?

[GrayClouds]

 

You should ask yourself why?

 

Likely a combination of hurt and anger plus a desire to get some resolution about the $. In addition there is a curiosity about what see has to say, there as been references in earlier notes acknowledging her mess up actions. I like to know how sincere she is about it.

 

Finally because I been in this place for too long and looking for something to move me forward. All of the stuff we all recommend; exercise, friends, new hobbies, journals staying away from drink, ect has got helped a lot but now I seem stuck.

[hoping2heal]

Likely a combination of hurt and anger plus a desire to get some resolution about the $. In addition there is a curiosity about what see has to say, there as been references in earlier notes acknowledging her mess up actions. I like to know how sincere she is about it.

 

Finally because I been in this place for too long and looking for something to move me forward. All of the stuff we all recommend; exercise, friends, new hobbies, journals staying away from drink, ect has got helped a lot but now I seem stuck.

 

I'm a bit bewildered. You've made some excuses (a desire to get some resolution about $) Come on OP! You know just as well as I do getting resolution about the money has nothing to do with this really. I say that because you have already acknowledged there are other avenues you could persue in terms of getting money back. Of course wether you give me an honest answer or not is irrelevant, it's wether you can be honest with yourself that matters.

 

Back to where I'm bewildered; you're hurt still and angry; okay. That makes perfect sense, and I think is the full reason in it's entirety why you want to have this meeting. You're hurt and you're angry, okay. But then there is the last paragraph of your post which talks about looking for something to move you forward, how you want to move on. How is it you've figured that meeting with an ex, having to see her and be in her presence, only to be undoubtedly rejected (I'm not saying you're planning to ask her back, when I say rejected I mean you will leave the meeting realising she hasn't brought up you two getting back together, and the relationship is STILL over).

 

You think this will make you feel better how? You haven't been able to accept the loss thus far, why do you think chasing after those hurtful feelings is going to do it for you now? Do you think it will make you feel better if you happen to make her feel guilty or responsible for your pain?

 

She's getting a lot of credit for doing something that is not her work, you know. When someone dumps us it causes hurt feelings, of many depths this is true. But that's where their responsibility ends. Us accepting the loss and moving forward (or not doing that) is soley our responsibility and our responsibility alone. Those people who go through break ups and take up a lengthy drinking habbit or live on some other plane of self destruction; they always say "I wasn't always this way..but so and so did this to me" No, so and so did not. So and so rejected them and hurt their feelings, so and so did not cause them to handle it poorly and in a self destructive manner. They CHOSE to handle it that way.

 

Just as you are CHOOSING to go open that wound again and pour in the salt, then you will have some more reasons to go feeling sorry for yourself about what happened to you and the pain you're in; not realising the added insult to injury is no one's fault but your own.

[mickleb]

[quote

 

hoping2heal:

When someone dumps us it causes hurt feelings, of many depths this is true. But that's where their responsibility ends. Us accepting the loss and moving forward (or not doing that) is soley our responsibility and our responsibility alone. Those people who go through break ups and take up a lengthy drinking habbit or live on some other plane of self destruction; they always say "I wasn't always this way..but so and so did this to me" No, so and so did not. So and so rejected them and hurt their feelings, so and so did not cause them to handle it poorly and in a self destructive manner. They CHOSE to handle it that way.

QUOTE]

 

I disagree. Of course, we have a responsibility to ourselves to pick ourselves up, at some point and dust ourselves down. Very few people grieve a break-up forever. But if we trust someone implicity and then find out they have deceived us, or led us on, or cheated on us, etc. responsibility DOES lie with them.

 

Yes, people break-up all the time and usually the dumpee doesn't mean to be cruel, or anything but some people DO behave very selfishly, for whatever reason, and it's perfectly fine to acknowledge that they have hurt us.

 

If none of the responsibility of the pain caused by the break-up can lie with the dumpee, then why should responsibility lie with anyone who causes pain to another, regardless of their method?

 

It is okay to say that someone who betrays us is (mostly, partly, to some extent, whatever..) responsible for the pain that this brings.

 

This does not mean that we HAVE to make them suffer or let them know how we feel but if a dumpee wishes to tell them, they have every right to do so, as far as I'm concerned. Perhaps having their accountability explained to them by someone who is able to do so quite calmly and rationally, will prevent someone else getting hurt quite as much?

 

Whether confronting the dumper in this way would make any difference to the way they lead their life, or make the dumpee feel any better cannot, necessarily, be predicted but if someone feels the need to do this, for whatever reason, it's not anybody else's decision as to whether they should, or not.

 

I agree that NC helps us to gain the objectivity about the relationship that we desperately need but, after a point, it is about either denying the existence of someone or holding onto some kind of twisted pride.

 

I, personally, believe that a lot more people in this world should be made aware of their accountability in the suffering of others. I also believe strongly in forgiveness. It will, perhaps, be when I am able to feel forgiveness but am able to feel I have a balanced perspective on how my ex was unjustified in his treatment of me, that I will choose to let him know that, in some way. Perhaps, I will choose not to. But neither apporach will be 'wrong'. It will be my decision.

 

GC - you seem to have 'put off' this interaction, to perhaps, allow yourself some time to deal with it. I can understand, if this is the case, why it is now beginning to 'hang over your head', so to speak, and why you may have viewed it as what might, at last, give you closure.

 

Remember, of course, that it may not at all but, if you just want to 'get it done' and then see how you feel, do it.

 

Now the pressure of it is beginning to bite you on the ass a bit, you could just set yourself another 'goal' to aim for in the future, and maybe, when you reach that point, you'll know, more clearly, what to do.

 

Or maybe, you have deliberately chosen this issue (of the money) to face up to your own feelings, at this point in time?

 

I suppose I would, generally, not advocate acting on this until you are as certain, as you can be, of what you feel YOU should do. Caliguy and h2h are right, in that there are definitely other options you can take to attempt to get your money back. But maybe you want to do this yourself. If this is the case, make sure you are ready for it.

 

Best of luck. x

[hoping2heal]

MickleB, my point wasn't that dumpers have no responsibility for their actions. I was saying that the pain they cause is where their responsibility ends, and how we choose to react in kind to that pain is now OUR responsibility not theirs. If someone cheats on us, it's painful it hurts and it's THEIR fault we are dealing with that pain and betrayel; but if we choose as a result of that; to slash their tires, start using opiates, and do something rash and end up in legal trouble..is it their fault we self destructed? Sure, they probably DESERVE for someone to come piss in their wheaties; but our self destruction roller coaster rides are admission paid by us by choosing to take that route.

 

People need to learn to take responsibility for how they deal with the cards life deals them. Not just in the break up arena but you have all kinds of people comitting attrocities against themselves and others, and it always comes back to "Well so and so did this to me".

[mickleb]

But if we feel bad because someone hurt us, it's not necessarily just self-destruction. And it's not easy, natural or normal to just say to ourselves 'ok, I choose not to feel pain as that is self-destruction, so I'm going to be responsible to myself and stop hurting now'.

 

I think that attitude could make people who are feeling justifiably hurt, feel a whole lot worse.

 

As I said at the start of my post, of course we have a responsibility to ourselves. And we have not all, but the biggest share of the power, in making ourselves feel happy. But those we know, knew, read about, or speak to at the bus stop have some responsibility for our happiness, too. We are all, ultimately, responsible for each other, to some degree.

 

I do not disagree with you, entirely, at all. And I acknowledge that holding onto pain can be a form of holding onto someone or something we don't want to let go. I, also, must admit that I haven't followed all of GC's threads, so do not feel able to pass judgement on him that he is or is not, doing this. You may well have a much better informed perspective on his 'journey' than I. And it is possible that he is doing this. (Sorry to speak about you in the third person, in your own thread, GC - and apologies for the thread-jacking style of this discussion.) But it is possible that he is not.

 

Sometimes, facing the reality of the situation (by facing the person themselves) can be what we need to do to see where we really are (emotionally) with them. And this can be what some people need.

 

In addition, (if you are able to do it in a calm, objective way) pointing out to someone how they have 'done us wrong', can be exactly what they need and make us feel better (by giving us our own closure). Justice doesn't have to be about bitterness, it can be about education. And sometimes, yes, the best form of revenge or justice is simply, forgiving and forgetting. But not always - not at all.

 

It's up to you, though GC, as to which it is.

[hoping2heal]

But if we feel bad because someone hurt us, it's not necessarily just self-destruction.

 

I agree whole heartedly. Feeling pain is normal and it's normal in the proccess of grief. Forgive me for not better explaining myself if I ever gave the impression I thought hurting was self destructive. For the most part, hurting is not with the exception of chasing down painful feelings intentionally or trying to worsen the depth of that pain let's say for example, by looking at our partners with a new bf/gf on a social site.

 

And it's not easy, natural or normal to just say to ourselves 'ok, I choose not to feel pain as that is self-destruction, so I'm going to be responsible to myself and stop hurting now'.

 

No, it's not hardly normal to say "okay I choose to not feel pain" I agree, and again there is a misunderstanding. Being responsible is being kind to yourself, not assaulting your senses or putting yourself in situations that are going to prolong and deepen pain. It's giving yourself the time and boundaries to heal and recover, no matter how long that may take.

 

 

I think that attitude could make people who are feeling justifiably hurt, feel a whole lot worse.

I wouldn't say something if I hand't not lived through and experienced it's benefits personally myself. If it hurts one's feelings to hear someone tell them they are responsible for not making their pain WORSE by intentionally and purposely throwing themselves into blazing fire, I would rather that and it stops and makes them consider what undue harm they were about to throw themselves into and be annoyed with my suggestion, than actually throwing themselves into that blaze.

 

As I said at the start of my post, of course we have a responsibility to ourselves. And we have not all, but the biggest share of the power, in making ourselves feel happy. But those we know, knew, read about, or speak to at the bus stop have some responsibility for our happiness, too. We are all, ultimately, responsible for each other, to some degree.

 

I agree. People can enrichen our lives greatly just as they can bring pain and agony, it's a risk we take. And once again as in my other posts I will state; if someone hurts us they are responsible for that pain they caused us. I've never denied that, they are responsible for what hurt we are going through. I just simply said, they are not responsible for how we choose to act out in regards to that hurt.

 

I do not disagree with you, entirely, at all. And I acknowledge that holding onto pain can be a form of holding onto someone or something we don't want to let go. I, also, must admit that I haven't followed all of GC's threads, so do not feel able to pass judgement on him that he is or is not, doing this. You may well have a much better informed perspective on his 'journey' than I. And it is possible that he is doing this. (Sorry to speak about you in the third person, in your own thread, GC - and apologises for the thread-jacking style of this discussion.) But it is possible that he is not.

 

Judging actions and judging people are two different things. GC please know if you do feel I was making a judgement on you; not hardly. On your actions? Yes, but only to make you think about what you were doing because I don't want to see you further hurt yourself. I never advise in the spirit of being nasty or pretentious.

[GrayClouds]

No, it's not hardly normal to say "okay I choose to not feel pain" I agree, and again there is a misunderstanding. Being responsible is being kind to yourself, not assaulting your senses or putting yourself in situations that are going to prolong and deepen pain. It's giving yourself the time and boundaries to heal and recover, no matter how long that may take.

Though there becomes a time when the current method of healing seems to have platitude. It a realization that at this point if I want a different result I need a different action. Could this be it? Having this meeting, that may offer a relapse, it may offer the difference in action needed, which is the point I see mickleb making. Frankly I am have a hard time coming up with something else.

 

And possible there is a hint of it being a way of given the figurative finger because I am looking so damn good.

 

GC please know if you do feel I was making a judgement on you; not hardly. On your actions? Yes, but only to make you think about what you were doing because I don't want to see you further hurt yourself. I never advise in the spirit of being nasty or pretentious.

 

Nasty and pretentious or confident and passionate, I hear the latter. I see it as you pushing me be clear to myself the motivations behind my purposed actions. It is why I post.

[hoping2heal]

Though there becomes a time when the current method of healing seems to have platitude. It a realization that at this point if I want a different result I need a different action. Could this be it? Having this meeting, that may offer a relapse, it may offer the difference in action needed, which is the point I see mickleb making. Frankly I am have a hard time coming up with something else.

 

And possible there is a hint of it being a way of given the figurative finger because I am looking so damn good.

 

 

 

Nasty and pretentious or confident and passionate, I hear the latter. I see it as you pushing me be clear to myself the motivations behind my purposed actions. It is why I post.

 

That would be exactly it, I just wanted you to be clear about your motivation; not so much as to me but to YOURSELF. If you decide to go through with it I hope for all the best, but please guard yourself. You may be looking "damn good" and while you fantasize about it being a way to give her the old F-U academy banner , If she still seems "unphased" it's going to hurt you more. That may not be what happens, but it's a possibility you need to prepare yourself if you do think her being non impressed with your new "damn good looks" or elsewise, and I do think you'd be hurt but only you know if you would or not.

 

You're playing a less serious version of russian roulette with your emotions. It could go one way; and make you feel better about yourself and give you a burst of confidence, or it could go another way..and make you feel horrible and sucker punch you right in the gut. Neither of which outcomes you have any control over, but if you feel you really need the risk, then all the best to you.

[GrayClouds]

That would be exactly it, I just wanted you to be clear about your motivation; not so much as to me but to YOURSELF. If you decide to go through with it I hope for all the best, but please guard yourself. You may be looking "damn good" and while you fantasize about it being a way to give her the old F-U academy banner , If she still seems "unphased" it's going to hurt you more. That may not be what happens, but it's a possibility you need to prepare yourself if you do think her being non impressed with your new "damn good looks" or elsewise, and I do think you'd be hurt but only you know if you would or not.

 

You're playing a less serious version of russian roulette with your emotions. It could go one way; and make you feel better about yourself and give you a burst of confidence, or it could go another way..and make you feel horrible and sucker punch you right in the gut. Neither of which outcomes you have any control over, but if you feel you really need the risk, then all the best to you.

 

While the line about "looking good" is based in some truth, it is the other point of striving to find something to move beyond this place of emotional stagnation that is the motivation. Yes it may be heartbreak hara-kiri, but as state earlier I am having a difficult time actualizing another antidote that is with better odds. ( At this point I may be hijacking my own thread)

[TaraMaiden]

Instead of putting on a front, and trying to decide how to act, why not just be the way you feel like being on the day?

I'm serious...

All this bravado, and putting on a brave face is all well and good - if that's how you really feel you should handle it.

But if you're in doubt - and you seem to be - fire off with both barrels.

I'm not suggesting you sob like a six-year old, or beg her to come back, but if you're still hurt - be hurt.

If you're feeling pain - show pain.

Fer chrissakes, who would you be putting an act on for - her?

Because you wouldn't believe a word of it.

So if you don't, what makes you think she would?

 

The only thing I would say - regarding money - is separate the emotion.

 

This is business.

 

She owes you money.

Does she acknowledge this?

Does she agree on the sum?

Why hasn't she returned it up to now?

Then agree a payment method.

Whatever per month until fully paid.

get her to sign a document that she will set up a direct debit monthly payment and return the sum in *so-many* parts, over *so-many* months, until the sum is paid.

If she doesn't agree, advise her you'll take legal advice and get back to her.

 

But cut the intimate chit-chat.

THis is the only reason you really need to see her.

Anything else is just churning up old crap, opening up new wounds, and ripping the stitches out.

Forget it.

Turn up, stay formal, say what you need to say - in whichever way you need to say it - and then take your leave.

 

Then come back in here, and I'll beat you up again.