How can I avoid cheating?

[brokeneli]

Hi. I stumbled upon this site quite by accident and thought, what the heck, maybe someone can relate and give me some advice.

Let me give you the run down, I apologize ahead of time if this gets long and complex, but nobody in this type of situation can summarize it into a few sentences, so forgive me.

 

I am a 35 year old man who has been married for ten years. My wife and I both have one child each through previous relationships. My wife and I wanted to get our lives settled before trying to have a child on our own and two years ago she went through premature menopause (she is six years older than me). Maybe we waited too long to try to have a child, I am not sure.

 

 

Over the last year things have started to get hard at home. My wife seems to be distracted and doesn't want to have sex as much as we used to a year ago. She is angry all the time and when I try to talk to her she snaps at me. When I get home from work she lays on the couch and watches T.V. I have been doing all of the cooking, laundry and housework for the last year on top of working. I am not complaining, she has been through a lot and I love her so much I would do anything to make her happy. But, that is the problem. Nothing I do makes her happy. She will get on the internet and talk to her online friends all night staying up long enough to get the kids on the school bus then she will sleep all day. Whenever I begin to attempt anything that will lead to sex she tries to avoid it or when she does go along with it she seems distant and I feel horrible that I cannot please her sexually. I know this may sound mundane and even selfish, but it makes me feel like I am not attractive to her anymore. I suppose for me sex with my wife has never been for only myself, it makes me feel good to know that she is enjoying it also. Yes, I am a fan of sex with my wife but it is like going to a football game and watching your favorite team lose.

 

For nine years we had an amazing relationship, both mentally and physically. But the past year has been stressful. I tried to talk her into going to therapists and other meetings so that we can find a solution or meet people in the same situation, but every time I do this she gets mad and begins to scream at me and makes me feel guilty for bringing it up. I really didn't think she would still be going through this for two years, but apparently I don't know anything about the female species.

 

So, anyway, I have been employed with the same company for three years now. A young lady, she is 22, started working in my Department about a year ago. I was in charge of training her so we got to know one another quite well. She never complained about her past, although I could sense she was abused badly by the way she would act around me. I felt sorry for her and almost felt like a father towards her. After awhile she opened up to me during our lunches, which we spent together outdoors because there is a no smoking indoors policy. My thoughts of abuse turned out to be correct. Our friendship grew stronger over the last few months. But, I never imagined that I would begin to have any feelings towards her other than friendship. I care deeply about her as a person, I also find her attractive which makes things even worse for me. I am still in love with my wife though and these feelings for this young girl are probably just coming about because she actually makes me feel attractive. She is flirty with me, but has never acted on anything because she respects the fact that I have a wife and that I have never cheated on her. Although our friendship is strong I haven't told her about how my wife treats me at home, I like to make everyone else believe we are perfect and that my wife finds me just as appealing as she did the day we met. But, inside my self esteem was plummeting until this girl entered my life. I am starting to feel better about myself as a person, she compliments me on everything I do, she is friendly towards me and she truly cares about me. She is always saying how great of a guy I am because I cook for my wife and care about my family. As if she had no idea that a man could actually do this. She has suggested that she would like to be more than friends with me, but I quickly act embarrassed and change the subject. Not only because there is a part of me that wants to do this also, but because I don't want this girl to think that every man has to cheat on his wife. I feel sort of good about the fact that I might help her to believe that there are good men in this world that will go through hell for their wives, even if it is a self destructing path.

 

My question must be simply, what can I do to avoid cheating on the woman I love? I am not going to use a lame excuse such as 'mid-life crisis' or anything, but nothing I do makes my wife happy and this girl is so nice to me, it is hard to resist the urges I am having. Please do not respond with anything negative towards me, I feel bad enough already for even having thoughts like these.

[steveb]

Tell your wife.

Never cheat.

 

If you going to leave her, do it before you see other people.

You will like yourself much better in the end.

 

Your issues at home and the "Potential" of a relationship with this gerl are seperate.

Do not use the girl as an excuse to cheat.

Tell your wife that you "need" to know her problems and that you both need to work on them, or else you can not continue this way.

Then only work on that, or leave her. It will be her choice.

[amerikajin]

Steve's right.

 

I'm certainly not writing this to tell you to leave because even the most difficult problems can be worked out a lot of the time; however, if you're going to leave, you should leave with honor.

 

Your urges will only grow if this continues. I'm not sure if I believe in telling her you've got urges or that some woman's hitting on you at work, but she does have to know that this can't continue indefinitely.

 

Good luck.

[moonspinner]

My question must be simply, what can I do to avoid cheating on the woman I love? I am not going to use a lame excuse such as 'mid-life crisis' ....

 

I applaud you for not using mid-life crisis as an excuse. I have read so much about this "stage" in ones emotional and psychological lives... often referred to as the second adolesence....a time to re-explore and actualize as we enter another part of our lives,.....the other side of the hill, etc. etc. blah, blah.

 

I am more concerned about what your wife is going through however. Not to gloss over your pain, but it sounds as if your wife is in crisis herself and needs to speak to a professional about her disorientation and grief about not being able to conceive amongst other things I surmise. Is infertility a definite medical diagnosis?

 

I get the sense that you love your wife and if you did cheat on her, your low self-esteem would expand to include loss, grief and guilt as well....

 

It sounds as if both of you need intervention. Get it asap.

 

As far as the young lady is concerned, my recommendation would be to NOT tell your wife. Why add to her confusion right now.

 

In answer to your question how, is simple. JUST DON'T. Period.

 

Limit your time with her...avoid personal conversations.. Show this young lady some RESPECT and decide that you do not wish to hurt her, lead her on, and add to the abuse she has already experienced in her life already, according to your post.

 

She sounds like a decent person based on what you say and perhaps in need of some TLC herself. It's easy to discourage a vulnerable woman. If in converation with her you happen to mention that you love your wife, and keep saying it, there is a good chance this gal will stop flirting with you.

 

 

If you do act on your desires you will mess her up. You KNOW this.

 

 

 

Ask yourself, do wish to be remembered as a homewrecker ...( a title not just reserved for women only)

 

 

Good Luck.

[VivianLee]

First of all, I'm so sorry that things have gotten so hard in your marriage. I think alot of us understand what you are going through one way or another.

I'd like to applaud your love for your wife and her needs, that's something that all women would dream for their husbands to realize.....apparently before a year ago, she was a wonderful wife and someone special to make you fall so in love and want to please her..

 

My first inclination is to figure out what is going on with your wife (since 9 yrs out of 10 were good, you don't want to give up yet!) and the cause for her new behavior. It's very, very possible that she is just plain depressed. Not in anyway because of you but because of a chemical imbalance. The way you described her behavior is dead on for depression. People don't just cry all day and act sad when they are depressed, they can be very angry and I mean angry ALL the time and take it out on the people that love them and they are suppose to love.....

If you could get to the root of this behavior, get her some treatment, then maybe you can get the wife you remember, back and have a happy marriage...

 

However, if she refuses to change and get help, then you will have to decide if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life. I doubt you do, no one would want to, I know I sure wouldn't!! You are going above and beyond the call of duty as a husband and although we have all married for "better or worse" if she doesn't want or try to get out of this rut, it's your decision on what measures to take....

 

Now the urges and feelings you have for this other woman is inevitable. Everyone loves to feel wanted, needed and special. Plus, you seem to be tender-hearted so she's touched your heart even more by having a sad life. Everything is really set up for you to have an affair but being in love with your wife and being the person you are, you've not gone there yet....

Try not to....I know you'd love to have that wonderful feeling of intimacy and to feel special, wanted and needed but I think you'd feel so much guilt and get so confused that it wouldn't be a enjoyable to you as you think it would be....Now I'm giving you some advice that I haven't adhered to myself, I'm just going by what it seems your personality is like and I don't want you to do something you'll regret eventually!!

 

Try to stay strong where the other woman is concerned till you can try to work things out with your wife and maybe get the help she needs....also you may want to make sure that she (your wife) is just chatting with friends and not having an online affair. I hate to suggest that but it's always probable.....if it seems hopeless and y'all can't get things worked out or she won't......try to be divorced or at least separated before going into a relationship.

 

You deserve to be happy and I hope it's with your wife, the woman that you truly love! Good luck and God Bless!!

[brokeneli]

Thank you all so much for responding. I believe that deep down I really don’t want to cheat on my wife and you are correct when saying that everyone wants to feel loved and wanted. I tried to talk to the wife about our relationship last night. As usual she wasn’t in the mood to talk, but I told her that we really needed to and after a little persuasion she finally sat down with me. I did not bring up the other girl or my feelings about wanting to find someone else, for I know that she would be upset about it. I did, however, explain in more detail about my concern for her well being. There were a lot of tears shed because I mentioned my not being able to cope with how things have been going lately and my having thoughts of leaving. She got a little defensive at times and told me I had no idea what she was going through. To which I responded lovingly, I want to know what you’re going through and I want you to know what I have been going through. I explained to her that I was prepared for the first year, the first year we both were depressed and had long conversations sharing our emotions about our not being able to have a child together. I explained that it takes time and that nobody can put a limit to how much time it will take. But, I couldn’t stand to sit back and watch her do this to herself any longer. It has been two years and I feel as if the woman I fell in love with died along with one of our dreams. I know how badly she wanted another baby, so I brought up adoption. Out of the blue she said she didn’t want one anymore. I told her that I was going to call Monday to set up an appointment for some therapy sessions. I will ask around and get the best possible. But, again she insists she doesn’t need help. She brought up the Internet again and I was getting a tad bit frustrated so I said some things I probably should not have said. I didn’t raise my voice because I am not one who believes in yelling, even though she has been screaming and yelling more and more… So, I just changed my tone, the way I do with the children and told her that I had had enough of her internet friends. I told her I was tired of her being able to talk to complete strangers that she had only known for a few months about her problems in more detail than she could me. I was very angry at her response. She said that they understood her more than I ever had or ever will. I have spent the last ten years married to her and caring for her, but I have been with her for twelve years total and she thinks I don’t know her? Then she brought up money and how I could never provide for her the life she had always wanted. I make a decent living, we aren’t rich but we are well off and she had never complained before. All I could feel was guilt. It was too late to give her the child she wanted, I can’t give her a luxury car and a mansion and to top it off I don’t understand her. I didn’t respond, I couldn’t. Instead, I took the dog for a two-hour walk. I thought of divorce and how it would be on the children. Both my wife and I had been in bad relationships before and promised one another to always be true to our vows. I take my promises seriously and that is why my thoughts on cheating were not only making me feel ashamed, but starting to terrify me. I treat her son as my own because when we met he was only four months old and his father has never been around for him, and I really don’t want to lose him either. I am very involved in his life, I even coach his football team. So, I know he would be as heart broken as I would if I were to just leave. I love my family and I know that the feelings I have for the girl at work have to do with how appreciative she is towards me. I realized this and decided I need to get my wife back. I decided that I would just make the call on Monday anyway.

 

I return home and she is on the computer. I noticed that all of her instant message boxes disappeared quickly and she told me to leave her alone. So I did. I have had thoughts that she might be having an online affair, this being one of the reasons. But, I trust her so I try not to think of it much. Although, there is always that little voice in your mind telling you to wake up and look at what is going on in front of you. But, she would have no reason to, I am right here for her. I tell her how beautiful she is, but she never wants to hear it. I do everything a man should do for his wife and I do it because I want to not because it is what is expected, but she just doesn’t seem to care.

 

Anyway, this morning I woke up and took the kids shopping for Christmas. My son is 15 and her son is 12 so we had some fun in the game section and I went ahead and bought them the Playstation 2 early. We went to the girly store where we bought my wife a lot of scented candles, bath washes and lotions. The boy’s actually thought it was fun to shop for her. My son also has a girlfriend now, so I had to show him what girls like. He was embarrassed about having to have assistance from the sales clerk to find a specific kind of lotion his girlfriend liked, I thought it was endearing and funny at the same time.

 

Sorry, I am getting off the subject. Anyway, we came home and carried in mom’s gifts quietly to the basement and wrapped them, put up the Christmas tree and decorated it and played video games for the most part of the afternoon. When my wife woke up all she did was complain about how I shouldn’t have given the boys one of their gifts early and there were dirty dishes in the sink from lunch. She never once commented on the Christmas decorations the boy’s and I worked so hard on to make her happy. She always loved Christmas. It was her favorite holiday. All three of us were a little disappointed, but we all went to the kitchen and did the dishes then asked if she wanted to go to the steakhouse with us. She declined. So, we went alone. The boy’s are starting to comment rudely about my wife and I am always defending her. But, I know they miss the way it was too. This is just the way it has been for a long time now and I can’t see her son living alone with his mom, I would feel guilty for leaving him like this. She has just become so miserable, for lack of a better word, to be around. I love her dearly, but if she doesn’t go to the appointment I set on Monday I am not sure if I can wait until her son is 18 to leave or not. I have read that you should not to stay in a relationship for the children’s sake, but this isn’t really my child. I have no legal rights to him. He’s never met his father and I am the only dad he has ever known. I hope I am not sounding like a whiner, because I am not trying to. She has just made me feel so guilty for not being the person she wanted me to be, even though there had been nothing wrong with me for nine years. This leads me back to the woman at work who makes me feel like I am a good person. I am confused. I just hope that my wife will go to marriage counseling and/or a therapist for herself. I am just afraid that she will refuse and if she does do I leave?

[VivianLee]

I think you did the right thing by talking to her. Don't ever tell her about the other woman because it won't help things, keep that inside no matter how angry you get.

 

I'm still perplexed as to exactly what the problem is with her. She's showing two classic signs, either it's depression or I think you really need to consider that "voice" about the internet. I know from my own experience (as in myself being the one that was on the internet) the closing out quickly is mainly to keep someone from seeing what you've said or who you are talking to. You will need to check into this if you can't get her to counseling or to talk to you. You can find programs that monitor the keyboard and such if you want to find out exactly what's going on. I hope nothing is going on but prepare yourself and try to figure out what you will do if you find anything.

 

Remember, this woman was someone you met and fell deeply in love with, you may can find that love again, that would be wonderful for the both of you!

 

As far as you're failing her about the baby or your job, you can't help she went into menopause, you didn't blame her for that so don't blame yourself!! Please don't!! As far as your job is concerned, didn't she know how much you made when you got married? That was a bit cruel and uncalled for but she was probably angry and wanted to hurt you because of your saying you felt like leaving (which was necessary for you to say) plus if people are doing something wrong, they automatically shift blame!!

 

I'm not saying your wife is a bad evil person okay? I'm just stating the obvious that all isn't well and you're getting the short end of the stick. I'm a chick but not a overly emotional one but when you wrote about y'all going shopping and how you made a special effort (and so did the boys) to do special things for your wife, it really brought tears to my eyes then when you described how she acted, it really was sad. Surely she doesn't realize how she's coming across or how she's hurting you....I wonder if "tough love" is what she needs....maybe something that would snap her (I don't mean physical abuse....sometimes meanings can get lost in posts) back to reality and to get her to realize what she has going for her in having you, the boy and y'alls love in her life.

 

Make that call, even if you just go, a professional can give you good, sound advice. Also, find out what's up with her and the internet, now days it could easily be the root of the problem. You really seem to be a very good man and father. It's sad to see such a good person miss out on feeling loved and wanted. It's still feasible to find this with your wife, you just need to find out what's the problem then hopefully, she'll want to work it out, she's missing out on alot of love and a happy marriage too!

 

Y'all are in my prayers, take care!

[hairball]

You only live once brokeneli,you should get with that hot young thing.Considering your wifes behavior(assuming you are being truthful about that), I would assume that you just don't mean that much to her anymore.And if she does really care she sure isn't very good a showing it.She may even be having an affair herself,when you consider the long secretive internet sessions,massive amounts of free time,lack of sexual interest in you and your boy's rude comments about her(they may know something you don't).I'd give it about a 55% percent chance.But if she has accused you of cheating on her recently I would give it about a 99.9% chance that she is having an affair.

 

It sounds to me like your dream girl is a 22 year old cutie who looks up to you,respects you and enjoys being with you as much as you enjoy being with her.

And your wifes dream guy is anyone with a mansion and a yacht.

[brokeneli]

Thank you for the responses and I thank you VivianLee for your advice and prayers. I know what it may appear like to some of those out there, Hairball. I understand your point of view as well. And I am being totally honest about my wife and her reactions to what I do. She has not brought up me cheating, but she has mentioned that I probably want someone 'skinnier' and 'prettier' than her. Which is absolutly not true. I just want someone 'nicer' than what she has been lately.

 

But, here is the update if anyone is interested: I made the call this morning at first break. I avoided sitting with the young lady outside for a smoke and I made an appointment. I then called my wife at home and talked to her for the duration of my break. She said she didn't want to go and I told her I was going with or without her. Our conversation ended sort of badly, therefore I was a little down and out for awhile.

 

At lunch I sat outside. The girl sat with me and I forgot to bring my lunch today, but luckily she had brought in extra just for me. She said she wanted me to try some of her homeade cooking that her and her daughter (who is 2) made over the holiday weekend. I thanked her and ended up telling her everything that was going on. I just let it all pour out. I was still upset from the phone call with my wife and I couldn't hold it in any longer.

 

She was extremely kind and listened to my every word. I explained to her about my feelings that were growing for her and she confessed to me her own feelings towards me, which were the same as mine. She had told me that she would not get involved with me in any relationship other than friendship unless I was divorced. She said she wouldn't even get involved if I were only seperated. She doesn't want to be the reason I leave my wife and I explained to her in great detail about how my wife had been acting for the last year. It has been two years actually, but like I said I expected the first year. I thought that was very mature of her and I told her I wouldn't want to get involved with either unless I were divorced. I said I didn't want to hurt her or put stress on her and that I am happy with just simply being friends. She was also very helpful as to how to try to get my life back on track with my wife because she knows how deeply I care about her. She was the woman I married and vowed to be with until death, therefore, she said she would hold no ill feelings towards me either way. She said she would be my friend and only my friend if I end up having to go through a divorce and after it was finalized, if I was ready, she would love to be with me. She suggested I try to adopt my wife's son because whether we are together or not, I was always the only father he had and his real father, as I have stated before, never had anything to do with him. I am certain that if my wife's behavior continues this way and without a job I could possibly get custody. I don't think she would even care at this point. She never does anything with the boys anymore. I am going to try to work it out with my wife, but if in three months things haven't changed, I might be forced to show her how life is without me. I may have to leave for a few weeks and see if she is really prepared for life without me and the children.

 

I tried to talk to the wife again tonight about marriage counsoling, but she was in a foul mood so I think I will try again tomorrow. Just thought I would let you in on how things are going on the homefront... Thanks again.

[VivianLee]

Hey Brokeneli, the title to your thread was about avoiding cheating....I'm afraid you kinda (unknowingly) went in the wrong direction (in my own personal opinion/experience)....see now that the feelings are out between you and this young lady, it's just going to get stronger! Even though y'all have set boundaries and such, you are probably so hungry for love, affection and physical love that it's going to be so much more harder on you to avoid anything happening (from hugs to kissing), especially now that you know she feels the same too. You didn't know and I know that you were probably taken up in the moment but this is going to open a whole new can of worms!!

 

Of course, you have proved to be strong and faithful to your wife despite how bad the conditions have been, so maybe you can be strong until you divorce, again, I'm going on my experience and I thought I was strong but I just didn't have the strength you have. It's possible to stay true to your resolutions but passion is such a strong force, we even have examples in the Bible of some great men (King David was considered a man after God's own heart) that fell into passion with women and it caused their undoing.....

 

I really hope you can work things out with your wife, it seems y'all had a good thing for at least 8 years and it's shame that she is doing this to herself and to the man that loves her so much.....she really needs help. She is also an adult and you can't make her do anything, if she chooses not to work things out or consider your feelings, then you have every right to take up for yourself and take control of the situation. A trial separation may snap her out of whatever it is she's in.....I've seen it work before!! Just make absolutely sure you don't have that young lady involved in your life during that time because if the wife finds out, then you are just going back steps or may not even get things resolved AND it may hinder your part of working this out!!

 

If in the worst case scenario, things weren't to work out, don't run straight to this 22 yr old. Give it some time, right now you are needy and this pretty and young person is giving you tons of attention...that's what you need and it's good for your ego. But apparently you are a mature person that could handle being with an older woman...you may be getting some things that make you feel good from the 22 yr old (I don't mean sexually) but do you want to spend your life with her intellectually(I don't mean she's dumb, I mean in ways of wisdom and experience)?? You're 35 right? I'm 36 and other than seeing them as some gorgeous creatures, a 22 yr old guy isn't going to have much in common with me, not enough to stimulate me intellectually for the rest of my life.....heck a 22 yr old doesn't know what it's like to be without computers, cellphones or many other things that we as children and teens went without, LOL. Now sexually and ego wise, dating a 22 yr old man/woman would be great for those of us in our mid-30's and some are mature and intelligent but the age difference might just be another hurdle you may have to deal with and if you get out of a bad marriage...you don't want too many hurdles in your next relationship....

 

Again, this is just an opinion and in no way does it mean I'm right!! Someone that seems as thoughtful, loving and caring as yourself deserve to be happy plus you are trying so hard to work things out! I truly hope you can and will be happy the rest of your life with your wife!! Take care!!

 

Disclaimer: I am in no way saying that a 22 yr old is just good for the sexual pleasure and egos of mid 30's people...I'm just saying that in that age difference there wouldn't be much in common except for that...I've been 22 and now I am 36 so I sorta see things that way!!

[brokeneli]

VivianLee, you are so correct with all that you have said. I understand completely what you are telling me. I sincerely thank you for replying again. It sounds like you may have gone through something similiar to what I am going through or maybe I am just reading into things, but at any rate you are a very smart woman and I am happy that you take the time to give me (a stranger) some wonderful advice and encouragement. It something I need from a 'third party'.

 

I know that the age difference is something that a lot of people would look down on and I am not sure if I would be able to be with someone that is much younger for the rest of my life. This is something I had thought hard and long about. As I have said before, my wife is the woman I truly love and adore, I just can't seem to understand why she isn't at least trying to get some help. I realize that the 22 yr. old girl is making me feel good about myself not only because of her kindness towards me and her attention, but because you are right, she is a nice looking girl and it feels good to be wanted by someone.

 

I feel guilty for that.

 

I tried talking things over with my wife again and I did finally get her to agree with one session. Hopefully, she will feel better after we get through this one (it is next week) and she will continue to go with me on a regular basis. As far as the girl at work, if anything were to break down between my wife and myself I wouldn't allow any time away from work with this girl. Because, as you said, passion is a strong force and I wouldn't want to ruin anything between my wife and I possibly being able to get back together. I talked with the girl again at work and she hasn't said anything about our conversation the other day. We just talk about work and the news. Weather has been another subject lately, it is getting too darn cold!

 

I will keep you updated, if you would like me to and thank you again for your reply.

[amerikajin]

Brokenli,

 

You should be complimented for showing so much restraint in the face of this adverse situation. It's difficult when only one person is trying to make the relationship work, but you've made the right moves in trying to get your wife's attention.

 

It's a tough call, whether to stay or go. But if you stay in this situation, your urges are only going to grow stronger - either with this young girl at work, or with someone else somewhere down the right. Until now you've been able to exercise great self control, but how much longer you're capable of that is anybody's guess. Kids or not, we all have our breaking point. You get to a point when decide you either want to have a meaningful life or one of perpetual misery. When you're sharing your life with someone else, you have the right to expect someone else to make a similar effort. You've been amazingly understanding, patient and supportive of your wife. But now, it's her turn to make a move. All you're doing is asking her to help herself, but she seems uninterested for the time being.

 

Maybe the only thing you can do here is to give each other some space for a while and see how she handles that. She'll either wake up, or she'll continue her downward spiral.

 

Good luck, brother.

[VivianLee]

Hey again, brokeneli,

First of all amerikajin said some very truthful things so I'll just say "ditto" to what they said...I'm gonna quote some stuff and answer..by the way, your statements are in quotations then my answers are underneath, I'm new here so I'm still learning how to post here...

 

"It sounds like you may have gone through something similiar to what I am going through or maybe I am just reading into things, but at any rate you are a very smart woman and I am happy that you take the time to give me (a stranger) some wonderful advice and encouragement. It something I need from a 'third party'."

 

I've been married for 17 years (we were both 19 at the time) and things were never really "right" from the beginning...since our 14th year, I've been on both sides of the "cheating fence"....I understand what led my husband to cheat on me and I understand what led me to cheat on him. I wish to goodness that I had experienced neither of these and have lived in wedded bliss with the person I made my vows to. It's so sad how people hurt each other and can't get things right in their marriages...I'm ashamed to say that I've gone through times where I acted like your wife and it truly breaks my heart to look back on that and then I've been in your shoes where I just hunger for love, affection and passion. My wake up call (when I was acting as your wife) was that my husband already cheated, had he just separated from me and told me he wasn't happy with me, I would have gotten my act together as I needed. The thing is, I wanted so badly to get my husband back in my life and make things up to him and meet his demands that I forgot I needed things (like having him help me deal with his cheating) and that he needed to change some things also. That's where I am now, needy and found what I needed with someone else...I don't want you or your wife to make my mistakes, I know what each side of this will do and I'd like to help someone to keep from taking the paths I've taken....does that make any sense??

 

"I know that the age difference is something that a lot of people would look down on and I am not sure if I would be able to be with someone that is much younger for the rest of my life. This is something I had thought hard and long about. As I have said before, my wife is the woman I truly love and adore, I just can't seem to understand why she isn't at least trying to get some help. I realize that the 22 yr. old girl is making me feel good about myself not only because of her kindness towards me and her attention, but because you are right, she is a nice looking girl and it feels good to be wanted by someone.

 

I feel guilty for that."

 

First of all, let me say, I don't look down on the age difference and if that's what you choose after you've tried everything and end up divorced, then go for it! If it's what you need and want in your life, then who cares what people think??

Don't feel guilty that a nicelooking young girl wants you....it's not your fault and it's not a sin to have someone attracted to you.....it's what you do with about. If things weren't the way they were with your wife, you'd probably laugh it off, enjoy the ego boost and move on but it's normal to think "hey, she really thinks I'm cool, hummm...."

 

"I tried talking things over with my wife again and I did finally get her to agree with one session. Hopefully, she will feel better after we get through this one (it is next week) and she will continue to go with me on a regular basis."

 

I'm so excited to read this! This is a baby step but it's progress! Good for you!! I hope it helps and works (I've seen things like this work really well!!) keep us updated!!

 

"As far as the girl at work, if anything were to break down between my wife and myself I wouldn't allow any time away from work with this girl. Because, as you said, passion is a strong force and I wouldn't want to ruin anything between my wife and I possibly being able to get back together. I talked with the girl again at work and she hasn't said anything about our conversation the other day. We just talk about work and the news."

 

I think y'all are safe as long as you stay in a public place to talk....just stay strong!

 

"Weather has been another subject lately, it is getting too darn cold!"

 

It's been cold and rainy here in the deep south! Brrrrr!!

 

 

"I will keep you updated, if you would like me to and thank you again for your reply."

 

Please do!! Your welcome, thanks for letting me try and help, considering what a mess I have in my life, I guess that the experiences I have can help me shed light on some things for others.....I just wish I knew of some magical potion that just made all bad things to go away and everything to have a happy ending! Maybe you'll have that happy ending!

[Brokeneli]

Thank you VivianLee and Amerikajin. I appreciate the time you spend in helping me and all of your advice is very helpful and I take it all to heart. Thank you so much!

 

You were right though, I wish I would have never mentioned my problems at home with this girl. She gave me her phone number and asked if I would call her over the weekend if I wanted to do anything together. She was suggesting dinner and shopping. I threw the number in the trash, it was hard to do at the time, I must admit, but I did. I was tempted to keep it. I wasn't sure how my weekend was going to be, so I almost asked her to give it to me again at the end of the day, but I stayed strong. I knew (and remembered what you told me about passion) that I couldn't see her outside the workplace.

 

When I got home on Friday, my wife was babysitting for a friend of ours. She was smiling and talkative. She had the house cleaned, the laundry done (and put away!) and all the rest of the christmas decorations up. She said she was excited about going shopping for the kids and the boys were downstairs playing games. It was like old times. I watched the baby while she made dinner. After the baby was picked up, my wife and I went Christmas shopping together. This is the first time we had done anything on our own in a long time. I was grinning from ear to ear the entire time. We even rented a movie, bought snacks and ordered a pizza and all four of us sat down for 'Family Movie Night' and ended up played board games until midnight!

 

Last night, we went out and looked at all the Christmas lights and sang Christmas songs. Even my oldest had fun with it (as much as he complained about it, he was enjoying it too). When we returned home, the boys played playstation again and they set up their own little camp downstairs with sleeping bags so they could play all night under the tree. My wife and I had a most enjoyable romantic encounter and I am still smiling. I really hope this lasts. I know it is stretch, but maybe with the help and her sudden change in attitude we can make this work. I just hope this isn't a one time thing. I started reading about depression also and maybe she is just depressed. She used to work a full time job, but two years ago she didn't want to anymore, so I didn't press the issue. Maybe her babysitting (having something to do, something that makes her feel important or useful ??) made her feel better about herself. Should I suggest she ask our friend if they need a babysitter a few times a week? We don't need the money, so we could charge them less. Helping all of us at the same time.

 

Again, I hope this wasn't just a one time thing with my wife, but it is a huge step for her to take and I can't fool myself into believing that she could change that quickly.

 

Maybe you're right and we will have that happy ending! Wish us luck!

[VivianLee]

What an awesome weekend!!! At the first of your post I was getting worried (about the gal and the number), I personally, am in awe that you threw it away, you are indeed a very strong person, it's almost as if you were "paid back" in a good way for doing the right thing (by having a great weekend with your wife!!)!!

 

It does sound like she's very depressed, believe me, depressed people aren't always just sad and crying, alot of times depression comes across as anger and indifference. Keeping her busy (besides the internet) is a very good thing, especially if she's is doing something for other people. We tend to get out of ruts when we think of others and not ourselves all the time!!

 

It's so clear that you love your wife and crave the attention that she can give (but the other woman is giving as of late)....I hope she saw and noticed how happy you and the kids were!!

 

This is such a relief and exciting to see, since I've starting posting on this forum, I truly think about the other members and their problems and feel concern for them! I, for one, am very appreciative of this update! I hope things continue to improve, don't lose any hope if there are some setbacks and make sure you share with that girl what happened so she will know that you are trying to work things out with your wife and so she won't get any false hopes or make things harder for you by offering a number and dinner!

 

I hope you and your family have a wonderful week! Keep us updated (good or bad)! Take care!

[moimeme]

Brokeneli

 

I absolutely agree that your wife may be depressed. There may be no other cause than the fact that she went through menopause and possibly that threw her chemistry out of balance. The behaviours you described certainly are classic symptoms. That she blames you and your financial situation, for instance, would be very much something depression could cause. It's not that you are to blame at all; it's just that she felt bad and 'needed' to find something to blame her bad feelings on.

 

Even if she manages to not go to the counsellor, try to get her to see her physician. You might be able to speak to him beforehand if he's a family doctor that you've known for a while and ask him to check her for depression. Family physicians are all supposed to be able to diagnose depression now.

 

Congratulations on your strength thus far in avoiding an affair. I also agree that you must not see this young lady ever outside of work. I'd also caution you against revealing anything more of your life to her - it's the emotional intimacy you develop with a person that will cause you to fall for her. This is the mistake people make in befriending people to whom they are attracted; it's easy enough to withstand the physical attraction, but once you toss emotional intimacy into the mix, affection can bloom.

 

I think you're right on the money that the babysitting job helped your wife feel better about herself. She absolutely needs to get out of that house and back into life. The babysitting is a good idea and I hope things continue to improve for you. However, if they don't, do everything in your power to get her to a physician. Any dramatic change in personality can signal the onset of some form of mental ailment; clearly your wife is not the woman she used to be and therefore she needs to have that checked out.

[Brokeneli]

Well, I have good news and I have some not so good news.

 

First, I will start by telling everyone thank you for your advice and thank you for listening.

 

The session went well. We spoke with a female therapist, she is really nice. She took the time to talk to each one of us individually before we both went in together. I explained to her about the feelings I had for the girl at work, the reasons behind it and how that has dwindled somewhat because of my wife's attitude over the weekend. She discussed with me about why I felt what I did and then how I shouldn't feel guilty about the 'feelings' I had because the feelings were evolving out of lack of emotional support from my wife, the need I had for emotional support and the fact that this girl at work seems to need the same. I am the type of person who doesn't like to see other's in pain. I am a big softy. But she did tell me that I would have to explain to this girl what my goals are and to not expect me to ever be in her life as more than a friend. If she doesn't except this and she gets hurt, I shouldn't blame myself because she knew my feelings from the begining.

 

My wife and I went in together and discussed issues about what each of our wants and needs were and we decided that it would be best for her to babysit for awhile. She starts babysitting this week for our friend's child and she is going to do it full time. I thought she was putting to much on to herself at once, but if this is what she wants to do than I will support her. I found out that she wasn't feeling as attractive to me because she put on some weight and she thought I was just telling her I thought she was beautiful to make her feel better. She has been depressed and that is what was causing a lot of problems. She wants to look the way she did ten years ago and I have to say that I was shocked she said this. I think she looks even more beautiful than when we first met. Anyway, we learned a lot about what we both needed and things have been going okay this week because of it.

 

The week went pretty slow at work. I talked to the girl at work about what had happened. She was happy for us. But I think she was a little upset too. Not upset mad, but upset sad. I felt bad for her. She is a really nice person and deserves just as nice a person to be in her life. She has had a rough life so far and I really do wish her the best. If I weren't so in love with my wife I would pursue something further, but pity for this girl isn't exactly an excuse for losing my wife now that things may change for the better in our marriage. I guess I feel sad that I had that little 'talk' with her about my home life. I shouldn't have done that. I regret it. She really does need some more friends. She said I was her only friend and I don't really want to be the only friend that is there for her emotionally because her feelings for me may grow, while mine are not growing for her. Or worse, I don't want to start using her as my emotional support (if my wife and I are having problems and I have no one else to talk to about it)because I don't want my feelings to grow for her. Maybe they would grow because of her need for me and I don't want that either. Does any of this make sense? I hope so.

 

At home things are going okay, like I said. She hasn't been as happy as she was over the weekend, but I didn't expect a jolly wife every day, nobody can be happy all the time. She is helping more and things seem to be gradually going in the right direction. We have another appointment with the therapist next week. We both decided weekly visits would be best and we also decided that she needs to go to the doctor to help with her depression. She is going to talk to the therapist alone as am I, every week also. I think it is doing us both a lot of good.

 

Should I try to help this girl at work find a nice single man? And another question, do you think that if I continue to help her that her feelings may grow for me? I really care about this girl, but it isn't love. I guess I will let you guys read this and tell me what you would do. What would you do if you were in this situation? I know most of you wouldn't get yourselves in it in the first place, but I have.

 

Thanks again.

[Arabess]

Originally posted by Brokeneli

 

Should I try to help this girl at work find a nice single man? And another question, do you think that if I continue to help her that her feelings may grow for me? I really care about this girl, but it isn't love. I guess I will let you guys read this and tell me what you would do. What would you do if you were in this situation? I know most of you wouldn't get yourselves in it in the first place, but I have.

 

Thanks again.

 

I'm only catching the tail end of this thread, but have read all of it. The woman at work sounds like she has a good head on her shoulders. This is why she said she would not have a relationship with you until you are divorced. Meanwhile though, the more contact you have....the more she will care about you....and in a weak moment....all you have done to salvage your marriage won't mean a thing.

 

Getting more involved in her life....will only open up the door for more emotional (and even physical) attraction. It would be best to remove yourself from her personal life.

 

I'm not being judgemental. I'm coming in from another angle in that...this young woman cares about you. Maybe inside she is even hoping you will one day be free. While she is 'waiting' for you.....she may miss the opportunity of meeting someone who isn't 'tied up' elsewhere. You aren't doing her any favors by prolonging the friendship. And that's exactly what you should tell her!!

 

If you don't do that....then you are leading her on....even if subconsciously. Read some of the threads on here and see what a painful position it leaves the other woman in. It just isn't fair.

 

It's not fair to your wife either. Your frienship at work takes just as much away from your marriage as her friendships on the net.

 

So for EVERYONE'S sake....let her find her own guy.....and her path thru life.

 

PS: Good Luck on your marriage. You sound like a very caring man. I hope everything works out for you, your wife and the boys!!!!!

[moimeme]

Unfortunately, she's that most vulnerable of humans - she's lonely, plus she already likes you. Any more contact will continue to bond her to you, particularly if you are especially kind to and solicitous of her. You have to keep her at a distance or she will get hurt even more than she's already hurting.

 

It is wonderful that your wife is participating in therapy with you. I have great hope for you and your marriage

[adamsb]

How do you avoid cheating? Why would the idea even get into your head? If you love someone you don't consider cheating on them. Period.

[VivianLee]

At home things are going okay, like I said. She hasn't been as happy as she was over the weekend, but I didn't expect a jolly wife every day, nobody can be happy all the time. She is helping more and things seem to be gradually going in the right direction. We have another appointment with the therapist next week. We both decided weekly visits would be best and we also decided that she needs to go to the doctor to help with her depression. She is going to talk to the therapist alone as am I, every week also. I think it is doing us both a lot of good.

 

Should I try to help this girl at work find a nice single man? And another question, do you think that if I continue to help her that her feelings may grow for me? I really care about this girl, but it isn't love. I guess I will let you guys read this and tell me what you would do. What would you do if you were in this situation? I know most of you wouldn't get yourselves in it in the first place, but I have.

 

Every step you've taken lately seems to be headed in the right direction, what's so exciting to me is that your wife truly wants to work things out also.

 

I think most women and men tend to gain a bit of weight during their marriage and it makes them feel like they aren't the person that they were when their spouse fell in love with them and so they sort of go ahead and start pulling back as a defense mechanism so the blow of being rejected won't hurt so much. The exact same thing happened to me and my husband. I actually needed to add some pounds but I wasn't used to looking heavier and I just shut down in so many ways then became depressed and then it all headed into a downward spiral. The person he cheated on me with wasn't the least bit attractive in anyway but she made him feel needed, wanted and loved and he sure wasn't getting that from me (doesn't make it right but sure does set things up!)...Hopefully your wife can get a grip on her self image by just eating right and exercising, I bet once she starts feeling good, healthwise, she start feeling good about all kinds of things!!

 

Weekly visits to the therapist will be perfect!! And going and getting medicine for her depression will make a difference too. It's so exciting that y'all are headed for a whole new life together. Most people that go through such things usually come out stronger as individuals and as a couple!!

 

Okay "the other chick"...something perplexes me....why doesn't she have other friends?? I hope I don't sound ugly but what is wrong or going on that keeps her from being able to have people she can relate to?? A married man 13 yrs older than her just doesn't seem to fit the criteria that a young lady would set "just as a friend".....although she has been sweet to you and treated you very well, there may be a few things to the story that you haven't heard or know about....now here's the hard part....you can't even be friends with her, that's got you where you are now and you just aren't protected from her. One bad day with your wife, then a compassionate discussion with this young lady and you're hooked again.....every time y'all connect or feel something, you are being drawn further into possibly cheating.....she's the reason you posted this thread in the first place. If you love your wife and you want things to work and you don't want to cheat, you can't have any kind of relationship with the woman. It's not your place to help her find a boyfriend or friends, she's an adult and old enough to seek these things herself, this is just keeping her in your life and keeping her involved with you. If you are serious about your marriage and don't want to sleep with this girl, you have to completely walk away from every aspect of the relationship. It's not easy to lose a friend but it's so much better if you gain a happy marriage with the woman you love so much!! Okay??

 

You're doing great and as others have stated, you are a good and sincere man! Take care of yourself, that family and keep up doing such an awesome job of working this out!! Please keep us updated if you want!!

[destiny200359]

[font=times new roman][/font][color=darkred][/color]Hello there after reading your post, I really believe that your wife has some mental problems that would be helped by getting her to a dr and having a physical done and meds perscribed. Sound like a classic case of depression and shes hiding in the computer talking to people whom she can remain anonmoyus to. Could be hormonal. But a good check up can do wonders. I hope it all works out for you in the end. But if I were you I would stay away from the co worker thats a recepie or disaster in its self.

[JustBeinBlonde]

Buddy,

 

You're alone having lunch with a flirty young female, are you afraid she's going to choke on her food, she can't eat alone, how old is she really. Aren't there any men that work in your office that could babysit her? Ever thought about inviting your wife over to have lunch with you, or maybe taking her out to lunch.

 

This girl admires you for not cheating on your wife then wants you to cheat with her, that shows alot of character. Where do you think this is going to lead? Do you think she's some virginal angel. She sounds like a needy little girl looking for affection from a father figure.

 

Wanna get rid of her, start talkin about your prostate check ups and arthritis medication. Scratch your butt alot and mention that your psoriasis is acting up. Grow up buddy, you are having a mid-life crisis, get over it.

[BrokenEli]

Firstly, I would like to say thank you again to everyone leaving helpful advice.

 

Secondly, I want to say that I am not going through a mid-life crisis. I do not believe in such things. That is just an excuse men and women use to deny the fact that they did something wrong. I did not do anything with the young lady at work and I discussed it with her that since my wife has finally decided to actively take part in counciling and get the medication she needed, I no longer had a void that needed to be filled. I explained to her that she needed to find a nice single man that could love her, because I wouldn't be able to love her the way she deserved to be loved. I love my wife and I could never love anyone more than her.

 

Yes, I was wrong to ever have such thoughts in my head about this lady. I do not blame it on anything but a lack of self control on my part. But, the good thing is that I never acted on my thoughts and I never gave the girl any false hope that 'someday' would inevitably happen. She and I have talked a great deal and we both decided it would be best not to spend time alone together. Not because we are afraid of we might 'do' together, but because we are both afraid of what feelings may arise. I don't want to get furtherly emotionally involved with her, because that is when most people mistake 'lust' with 'love' and I don't want to hurt her if she grows any stronger feelings towards me, because those feelings would not be mutual and it wouldn't be fair to her.

 

I was told that I should be proud of myself for not acting on impulse. Also, I truly believe that this girl was a test from God. Not just a test, but a wake up call. The situation made me realize just how much I needed to get my wife help. Because of it I was able to finally talk my wife into helping herself. She was so down that she didn't even realize how badly it was hurting the rest of the family. I was able to be strong and demand (for lack of a better word) that she get help before she hurt herself and/or sunk so deeply that we would all lose her forever.

 

My wife is doing much better now. She is on medication for depression and we are working through the problems she had with much more ease than before. The boys are helping a great deal as well. It is really building our family together. We are stronger as a team and we are much more happier with mom being herself again. She is babysitting during the day and she is signing up for College courses in the Spring. She is going to follow the dreams she once had and I am determined to help her through this trying time. I am looking forward to spending the rest of my life by her side and I know we will make it just as long as we are BOTH working at our marriage to make it possible.

 

Again, Thank you all so much. I know I was stupid to even have thought about an affair or leaving her for someone else. It was a mistake to have such thoughts and it would have been a much bigger mistake had I acted upon any of my impulses I may have had. But, by the way things are going, I believe deep down that we are going to be just fine. Thank you.

[corp17]

I am in a situation now where my wife has felt like you do for the past year or so. She did have an affair without coming to me and telling me her feelings. So as the victim, I would encourage you to talk to you wife about your feelings. It hurts sooo bad that she did not explain the situation to me before going out with another man. Please, talk to her,