whichwayisup Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 The thing is, you knew by having the affair in the firstplace that there would be a good chance of your marriage ending - You said that a 'hypothical' question was asked and discussed between you and your H , if you cheated, he said he would So, why then did you choose to put yourself in a stupid situation -to have a 3 month affair, knowing full well that your H would probably leave you?? Counselling, individual and with your husband..Do the individual first (make sure the therapist is the same person for both) so you can get the strength to come clean with your H and also let go of what you feel for the exMM. No point in even trying to fix this if you are still feeling "it" or hoping for something more to happen with exMM.. Is the A really over? If so, how long has it been? Is no contact in place?
eeyore1981 Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 Eeyore, of course it always has something to do with the marriage. What I meant to say was that me going outside my marriage wasn't because we lost our love, that we were "broken" in some way. It was about me being selfish, stupid and immature. When my AP came into my life, I thought I was missing something that he could provide. What I wasn't willing to acknowledge was that, with communication, I could have gotten it from my husband. Yes, and I see you are in quite the pickle. So far you have managed to not get caught in what you did, and "Ignorance is bliss" is a cliche because it is true. On the other hand, your H deserves to know what he is married to, and make an informed decision. To use your own words, I can't believe some people are so selfish, stupid and immature to do this. Is it really so much easier to step out on your marriage and cover your tracks than to just sit down with a person you chose to partner with, hopefully for life, and say, "Hey, I have a problem I hope you can help me with." Just imagine if everyone on the planet felt this way, always looking out for #1, and who cares about the consequences. No, the people who are like this have the luxury because of all the rest of us who actually have a conscience and the capacity to think of others before we act. Lucky you.
whichwayisup Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 What if exMM tells his wife the truth? He could choose to do this...And if that happens, be ready for a phone call from MM's wife to your husband.. Would be better for your H to hear it from you rather than MM's wife.
sounsure Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 After reading through all the replies on this thread, I got up the courage to go to the post office and send a registered letter to the husband of the girl my husband is having an affair with. I can't believe I did it!! The letter just states the facts and wishes him well. Only the person the letter is addressed to can sign for it so let's hope he's home so he gets it. I will keep everyone posted as I should have a return receipt confirmation within the next two days. Boy, oh boy, I hope I did the right thing. I guess since I'm almost divorced it doesn't matter anyways. I certainly "do not" want my husband back. Time to move on!!!
Snowflower Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 What if exMM tells his wife the truth? He could choose to do this...And if that happens, be ready for a phone call from MM's wife to your husband.. Would be better for your H to hear it from you rather than MM's wife. Nowheretohide, I don't think you came here looking to be told what to do about your marriage. This seems to be a touchy subject for a lot of BS here so bear with us. I do believe you should tell your husband about your affair. I know you said that he told you he would walk away if you ever cheated. You took this risk when you decided to have an affair, which I'm sure you know. However, what he said (that he would walk) and what he actually does might be two different things. In all honesty, almost EVERYONE believes this about infidelity before it happens-that they will never accept it in their marriage, that the marriage would be over, etc. I mean who says to their spouse, "oh sure, go ahead and cheat on me, I don't mind!" Doesn't happen. I said the exact same thing myself...I remember telling my husband several years ago, point-blank, that I would never forgive infidelity. Sometimes you just don't know what you will do in a situation until you are actually in it. This was true for me, and it might be true for your husband...it will be entirely up to him...but he deserves the opportunity to make that decision. Looking at your situation more pragmatically, what WWIU mentions above is a very real possibility...that someone, the OS maybe, will tell your husband. The truth has a funny way of coming out...and that would be the worst way for your husband to find out about your affair...from someone else. It would be the most painful way for him to find out and the most dire for the future of your marriage. Back to my situation, like your husband and so many other married people, I said that cheating would end our marriage. A bad combination of factors occurred years later and my husband had a brief affair, it kind of sounds like what you described, I think...a few months in duration, physical only once, etc. My husband sat in indecision (and agony-I just didn't realize it at that time) about what to do. He knew the consequences of what he had done. However, he finally got the balls to confess to me; I was able to hear the truth from him...he took responsibility. Because of this one act-his confession-I was able to give him another chance, just one, with a lot of expectations attached. I think you should find a way to tell your husband. If you truly love one another and want to make your marriage work, it might just be possible.
NowhereToHide Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Nowheretohide, I don't think you came here looking to be told what to do about your marriage. This seems to be a touchy subject for a lot of BS here so bear with us. I do believe you should tell your husband about your affair. I know you said that he told you he would walk away if you ever cheated. You took this risk when you decided to have an affair, which I'm sure you know. However, what he said (that he would walk) and what he actually does might be two different things. In all honesty, almost EVERYONE believes this about infidelity before it happens-that they will never accept it in their marriage, that the marriage would be over, etc. I mean who says to their spouse, "oh sure, go ahead and cheat on me, I don't mind!" Doesn't happen. I said the exact same thing myself...I remember telling my husband several years ago, point-blank, that I would never forgive infidelity. Sometimes you just don't know what you will do in a situation until you are actually in it. This was true for me, and it might be true for your husband...it will be entirely up to him...but he deserves the opportunity to make that decision. Looking at your situation more pragmatically, what WWIU mentions above is a very real possibility...that someone, the OS maybe, will tell your husband. The truth has a funny way of coming out...and that would be the worst way for your husband to find out about your affair...from someone else. It would be the most painful way for him to find out and the most dire for the future of your marriage. Back to my situation, like your husband and so many other married people, I said that cheating would end our marriage. A bad combination of factors occurred years later and my husband had a brief affair, it kind of sounds like what you described, I think...a few months in duration, physical only once, etc. My husband sat in indecision (and agony-I just didn't realize it at that time) about what to do. He knew the consequences of what he had done. However, he finally got the balls to confess to me; I was able to hear the truth from him...he took responsibility. Because of this one act-his confession-I was able to give him another chance, just one, with a lot of expectations attached. I think you should find a way to tell your husband. If you truly love one another and want to make your marriage work, it might just be possible. Thank you sunflower. This is the reason that I came to these boards.... It helps to hear other people's stories. I know I should tell him. I just don't know if I have the courage. I'm hoping I find it soon.
inhindsight Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 as an ex-WS... I have conflict with the question. and I get your anger. I am extremely remorseful for my actions, and am fully aware of the disastrous consequences. I came clean with my H after both an EA/PA with a MM. He had no idea, was angry, disgusted, hurt, pissed off... you know all the feelings. I needed to be honest with him to even be able to get a chance to earn back a fraction of the trust he had placed in me prior to my actions. everyone deals with the aftermath differently. H didn't want to seek MC, but we have worked thru, and continue to work thru, our marriage with lots of conversation and honest discussions, and oft-times angry and hurtful and resentful outbursts from him which I absolutely deserve. the BS deserves to know. the WS must ultimately accept the true and full consequences of their actions, and if they can't handle it, then I guess they have a harsh lesson learned on playing with fire. That being said... there is a lot of hurt that will be generated for an unsuspecting spouse and you have to be prepared to face either denial, anger, hurt, and while it may not be fair, it could be directed at you for being the person to shatter the dreams of that person. Helping hurts sometimes... but yeah, they deserve to know.
Impudent Oyster Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Eeyore, of course it always has something to do with the marriage. What I meant to say was that me going outside my marriage wasn't because we lost our love, that we were "broken" in some way. It was about me being selfish, stupid and immature. When my AP came into my life, I thought I was missing something that he could provide. What I wasn't willing to acknowledge was that, with communication, I could have gotten it from my husband. Kudos for taking responsibility for your choices. I happen to agree with you...choosing to cheat and the state of a marriage really have nothing to do with each other. People in good marriages cheat and people in bad marriages cheat. It's all about the WS and very little to do with the marriage.
Impudent Oyster Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 . The letter just states the facts and wishes him well. Only the person the letter is addressed to can sign for it so let's hope he's home so he gets it. . I hope you didn't put a return address on it!
seren Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 I didn't tell OW's husband because she asked me not to, because selfishly I just didn't want any hassle and me and H had decided to work on our marriage. I was sure there was NC and so telling OW's H wouldn't have made any difference to the A, but I was just so wiped out emotionally by Dday that I just didn't need the drama. OW said that it would destroy him (yes I knew all about being destroyed) and I knew he would come to my home and it would all kick off. 2 yrs later I so regret not telling him and have written numerous letters only to not send them. If I told I would go to his house and tell face to face. I questioned why I didn't tell and it was purely for self preservation. If I told now it would drag it all up again. Yes it is selfish of me, I would never tell for revenge, but I struggle with being part of the deciet of the A.
Recommended Posts