Author Anahata Posted September 30, 2009 Author Posted September 30, 2009 Sounsure: I'm going to read your other posts - that you were able to act so quickly and decisively (despite the screenname) is a real inspiration to me. We don't have kids and yet I've been dragging along with this situation going back and forth for years hoping things would change. I guess seeing the latest round of WS's contact with this particular OW was finally the straw that broke the camel's back for me and now it's time.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 Pros: As per Dexter Morgan, MistyK, Phonix, and other posters. Cons: You may cause your H to resent you (but who cares really?). if that is the case, then the H is a piece of crap that cares more about the OW than his wife. ratting out the OW can be a great way to find out where a WH stands. If he gets pissed, then its time to obtain an attorney. if he understands the need to tell and isn't concerned about the fallout, then there you go. As per WH's Words "I have never seen you from this angle, the vindictive you. I don't like what i see and i just don't know if i can view you differently after this" LMFAO!! I would laugh in the face of anyone that would say that after getting caught cheating. As if YOU were expected by your cheating as$$hole of a husband to look at them the same after he screwed another woman. What an ego on your WH.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 Dexter, on your "Cons"... what difference does it make if the BS isn't the one who destroyed the family... if it ends up destroyed in the end? what difference does it make? A BS shouldn't feel any guilt over it. They can feel badly about what happens to the family, but they are not guilty of destroying the family. The cheater did that all on their own.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 The opinions on here which are essentially, "all the innocents deserve to get hurt, too, because someone cheated".... I just don't get it. you don't get it because that isn't what anyone is saying....get real. just like I could say, "you just want to protect cheaters and see them get away with it"....would I be accurate in saying that? I sure hope not.
Author Anahata Posted September 30, 2009 Author Posted September 30, 2009 Last time I confronted this WS, he basically said "I'm cheating b/c you snooped." I no longer care if he resents me for the sky being blue. He already apparently resents me from keeping him from being able to really run free with whomever it is he's hoping to find out there, yet wanted to "start over fresh" last time I offered him his freedom. He's going to get that freedom now whether he wants it or not.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 original response to Nowheretohide: you don't get it because that isn't what anyone is saying....get real. just like I could say, "you just want to protect cheaters and see them get away with it"....would I be accurate in saying that? I sure hope not. just read one of the very few posts you have so far on this board. not off to a good start. so its obvious, so far, that you are out to defend people that have sex with other people's spouses from what is evidenced in one of your other posts. So I just might be accurate if I said what I did above:)
PhoenixRise Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 I would tell. I firmly believe that people have the right to be able to make informed decisions about their lives. Maybe the H will believe you, maybe he won't. Maybe he will divorce her, maybe he will forgive. Either way, he will be able to make an informed decision. Any problems for the family that occur will have been caused because of the cheating. It is truly backwards to blame the person who reveals the cheating for the turmoil in the family rather than blaming the true culprit.
NowhereToHide Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 you don't get it because that isn't what anyone is saying....get real. just like I could say, "you just want to protect cheaters and see them get away with it"....would I be accurate in saying that? I sure hope not. But with all due respect, Dexter, that IS what some people are saying. I get all the arguments that the WS screwed up. I believe that there is no excuse whatsoever for cheating on one's family. But were not talking in absolutes here. I think there are situations where a family should be spared -- should the WS have thought of that beforehand? Absolutely. It just sounds to me (and it's been stated by some pretty definitively) that they don't care who else gets hurt, as long as the cheater gets punished. So the kids will suffer in order for the cheater to suffer.
NowhereToHide Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 original response to Nowheretohide: just read one of the very few posts you have so far on this board. not off to a good start. so its obvious, so far, that you are out to defend people that have sex with other people's spouses from what is evidenced in one of your other posts. So I just might be accurate if I said what I did above:) I'm not out to do anything of the sort. I came to these boards for help and perspective on my own situation. I don't defend cheaters. Did I cheat, yes. Do I defend my actions? No way. I screwed up big time. I actually am on here to hear what other people are saying from every perspective -- the cheater, the BS, the AP. I knew what I did was horrible, but this is putting a face to the BS which I needed. I'm not sure why it's not okay for me to offer sympathy on the OW/OM board to people in pain (which is the post you're probably referencing). Affairs cause pain to everyone involved. There are no winners. Empathy isn't the same as defending one's behavior. I can feel bad that someone is hurting, but not condone their actions.
Impudent Oyster Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 thanks dude. I always find it odd when people say, "if you tell the OP's spouse you will be destroying their family" No....that is what the cheater did, not the informant. I agree 100%. I think the other BS should absolutely be informed.
Impudent Oyster Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 . I'm not sure why it's not okay for me to offer sympathy on the OW/OM board to people in pain (which is the post you're probably referencing). Affairs cause pain to everyone involved. There are no winners. . I think that the difference is, for the OW/OM and MM/MW who experience pain as a result of THEIR CHOICES, that pain is self-inflicted. Except for the rare case of an OP who didn't know the MP was married, OP and MP VOLUNTEER for whatever pain results from their bad behavior and selfish choices (that's what it is, plain and simple, a selfish choice). It's difficult to have sympathy or empathy for someone who knew exactly what they were doing, and that their actions were potentially hurtful and wrong but who went ahead and did it anyway.
Impudent Oyster Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 . It just sounds to me (and it's been stated by some pretty definitively) that they don't care who else gets hurt, as long as the cheater gets punished. So the kids will suffer in order for the cheater to suffer. I don't think anyone is advocating telling children about an affair. There is no reason for a child to ever have to know that their parent is a cheater.
herenow Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 original response to Nowheretohide: just read one of the very few posts you have so far on this board. not off to a good start. so its obvious, so far, that you are out to defend people that have sex with other people's spouses from what is evidenced in one of your other posts. So I just might be accurate if I said what I did above:) I agree with all you have said on this thread Dex. I really don't get why the BS is held to a higher standard than the people who get involved in affairs. Boggles the mind. BTW, love the show. Can't wait until Sunday. I hope you find that body soon!
Dexter Morgan Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 But with all due respect, Dexter, that IS what some people are saying. bulls##t. quote where anyone said the kids deserved to feel the pain the one parent will have bestowed upon them.
Dexter Morgan Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 It just sounds to me (and it's been stated by some pretty definitively) that they don't care who else gets hurt, as long as the cheater gets punished. So the kids will suffer in order for the cheater to suffer. I was cheated on, and people knew about it. I SURE AS HELL wanted to know, but people kept their mouths shut. All they did was prolong my time with a worthless person, because the truth eventually comes out. I deserved to know, so basically since you advocate no telling because the kids would get hurt, that I deserve to be kept in the dark about what my wife did and was doing?
NowhereToHide Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 I was cheated on, and people knew about it. I SURE AS HELL wanted to know, but people kept their mouths shut. All they did was prolong my time with a worthless person, because the truth eventually comes out. I deserved to know, so basically since you advocate no telling because the kids would get hurt, that I deserve to be kept in the dark about what my wife did and was doing? No, of course not. Affairs make everyone bitter, angry and hurt. It is the most selfish act that someone can engage in -- I know that more than you know. I guess I'm just offering up something to think about. Coming from a broken home myself, I know that divorce sucks for kids (and yes, I should have thought about that before I cheated).
Dexter Morgan Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 I guess I'm just offering up something to think about. Coming from a broken home myself, I know that divorce sucks for kids (and yes, I should have thought about that before I cheated). I can tell you first hand that kids will survive divorce. What will harm them is to be in a house where mom and dad obviously can't stand each other. That is a home they don't look forward to coming home to. Now they have a much happier father and my time with them is the best. If I had stayed and tried to put on a happy face, my kids would feel that dad isn't really happy and my time with them wouldn't have as much value as it does now. Kids will survive divorce. Being in a home where 2 parents don't love each other can adversely affect them.
NowhereToHide Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 I can tell you first hand that kids will survive divorce. What will harm them is to be in a house where mom and dad obviously can't stand each other. That is a home they don't look forward to coming home to. Now they have a much happier father and my time with them is the best. If I had stayed and tried to put on a happy face, my kids would feel that dad isn't really happy and my time with them wouldn't have as much value as it does now. Kids will survive divorce. Being in a home where 2 parents don't love each other can adversely affect them. Here's a question... what about a situation (mine) where I made a horrible mistake which didn't have anything to do with my marriage? My husband and I were (and still are) more than fine. For many old and stupid reasons, I chose to look outside my marriage for something instead of turning to my husband. My husband and I love each other. Our kids are in a stable, happy home. But my husband doesn't know about my affair. We've talked hypothetically in the past about what we would do if the other person cheated and he has always said unequivocally that he would leave. I know you say that the BS always deserves to know.... and I'm trying to decide if I should tell him. I know kids will survive divorce (I did). But I also think that, yes, I made the worst possible mistake, but do my kids have to suffer, too, for what I've done? I just don't want the destruction to go further.
Apple_juice Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 if that is the case, then the H is a piece of crap that cares more about the OW than his wife. ratting out the OW can be a great way to find out where a WH stands. If he gets pissed, then its time to have an attorney stick a can of baked beans up his arse. if he understands the need to tell and isn't concerned about the fallout for his piece of ass on the side, then there you go. Ah there you go, found another pro !
eeyore1981 Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 I think that the difference is, for the OW/OM and MM/MW who experience pain as a result of THEIR CHOICES, that pain is self-inflicted. Except for the rare case of an OP who didn't know the MP was married, OP and MP VOLUNTEER for whatever pain results from their bad behavior and selfish choices (that's what it is, plain and simple, a selfish choice). It's difficult to have sympathy or empathy for someone who knew exactly what they were doing, and that their actions were potentially hurtful and wrong but who went ahead and did it anyway. LOL, and may I add, were so caught up in the "fog of the affair" they were "unable" to consider the feelings of their BS's, yet still, ironically enough, were able to cognitively take steps to hide what they were doing. Yes, the AP's pain is self-inflicted, the BS's pain was inflicted by these same people, as a BS, I don't have much sympathy. As far as OW's daughter, no, I didn't go to her and tell her she had a sl*t for a mother, and I have taken care to keep her uninvolved, but hey, why should I bear more responsibility towards OW's kid than she chose to take on? I have kids, too, and they have all been hurt by what has happened, who gave a crap about them?
eeyore1981 Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 I was cheated on, and people knew about it. I SURE AS HELL wanted to know, but people kept their mouths shut. All they did was prolong my time with a worthless person, because the truth eventually comes out. I deserved to know, so basically since you advocate no telling because the kids would get hurt, that I deserve to be kept in the dark about what my wife did and was doing? Oh, I know, how about PRACTICING SELF CONTROL AND KEEPING IT IN YOUR PANTS because the kids would get hurt? Really. This makes me sick. Let's see. A person is married, which should be enough right there, but no, they can go out and mess around, and that's ok, cause that person had feelings, because by the time they realized what was happening it was too late, they were in too deep, they didn't think about who would get hurt (let me puke) but then when the other person in the marriage, yeah, that's right, remember the other person vows were made to, and who kept those vows, finds out and is devastated, that person is somehow supposed to yet again put their feelings aside and think about EVERYONE ELSE who could possibly be hurt if they should choose to tell. Whatever.
eeyore1981 Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 Here's a question... what about a situation (mine) where I made a horrible mistake which didn't have anything to do with my marriage? My husband and I were (and still are) more than fine. For many old and stupid reasons, I chose to look outside my marriage for something instead of turning to my husband. My husband and I love each other. Our kids are in a stable, happy home. But my husband doesn't know about my affair. We've talked hypothetically in the past about what we would do if the other person cheated and he has always said unequivocally that he would leave. I know you say that the BS always deserves to know.... and I'm trying to decide if I should tell him. I know kids will survive divorce (I did). But I also think that, yes, I made the worst possible mistake, but do my kids have to suffer, too, for what I've done? I just don't want the destruction to go further. BBM If you really believe having an affair has nothing to do with your marriage, I suggest you have a lot more thinking to do.
NowhereToHide Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 BBM If you really believe having an affair has nothing to do with your marriage, I suggest you have a lot more thinking to do. Eeyore, of course it always has something to do with the marriage. What I meant to say was that me going outside my marriage wasn't because we lost our love, that we were "broken" in some way. It was about me being selfish, stupid and immature. When my AP came into my life, I thought I was missing something that he could provide. What I wasn't willing to acknowledge was that, with communication, I could have gotten it from my husband.
whichwayisup Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 that we were "broken" in some way. It was about me being selfish, stupid and immature. Don't you really mean "I"? Or is it easier to say "we". Is your husband broken too? Does he have trouble communicating like you do? Has your husband been selfish, stupid and immature as well? I hope you find a way to fix 'you' and get your marriage back to where it should be.
PhoenixRise Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 Eeyore, of course it always has something to do with the marriage. What I meant to say was that me going outside my marriage wasn't because we lost our love, that we were "broken" in some way. It was about me being selfish, stupid and immature. When my AP came into my life, I thought I was missing something that he could provide. What I wasn't willing to acknowledge was that, with communication, I could have gotten it from my husband. NowhereToHide I think it is good that you are taking responsibility for your affair and not blaming your spouse for your actions. I get that you are afraid to tell because you think you would lose your H and your children would grow up in a divided home. It is a huge deal. As you know...these are the stakes of an affair....you gamble your marriage and you gamble the security of your children. To me, you can not have a true emotionally intimate relationship with your spouse if you are hiding a huge secret. And Your spouse deserves to be able to make informed decisions about his life.
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