Pros or Cons of telling OW(s) spouses?

[Anahata]

I've read through similar threads and know people here have said they would want to know - I had to find out through snooping and I'm sure there's still plenty more going on I don't know about that he won't tell me.

 

Aside from the fleeting feelings of vengence and spreading the hurt around is there really any benefit to contacting WS's OW(s)'s spouses? I don't know any of these people but thanks to facebook I could easily send messages that say "you don't know me, but your wife is (emailing, texting, flirting with, "meeting for coffee," etc.) my husband. Just thought you'd like to know. Have a nice day."

 

The end wouldn't really benefit me, I'm no longer looking to get him to stop what he's doing, he's just not going to be doing to me anymore. I intend to divorce him at this point - I've been dealing with this for years and I really don't see any true interest from him in counseling or changing his ways - I don't think I'm interested in MC either now that I've finally grasped that a leopard can't change its spots unless it REALLY wants to. Some of my concerns are violence from angry husbands (I don't want anyone getting shot) and whether to do this before or after I file.

[MistyK]

The way I see it, it depends on every situation. But usually, I don't think it's a good idea.

 

Pros:

• You give the other BS the gift of honesty
  
• You may feel some vindication for exposing your H as the cheater he is
  

Cons:

• You will create more animosity between you and your H, which could backfire if you have to keep dealing with him (if you have kids together and/or no concrete financial agreements for the divorce)
  
• You make your personal life more public, which could have unforseen ramifications
  
• It probably won't make a difference anyway - usually either the BH won't believe it or he won't do anything about it
  
• The BH may go after your H (but of course that's his problem and he put himself in that position)
  

[bentnotbroken]

The way I see it, it depends on every situation. But usually, I don't think it's a good idea.

 

 

Pros:

• You give the other BS the gift of honesty
  
• You may feel some vindication for exposing your H as the cheater he is
  

Cons:

• You will create more animosity between you and your H, which could backfire if you have to keep dealing with him (if you have kids together and/or no concrete financial agreements for the divorce)
  
• You make your personal life more public, which could have unforseen ramifications
  
• It probably won't make a difference anyway - usually either the BH won't believe it or he won't do anything about it
  
• The BH may go after your H (but of course that's his problem and he put himself in that position)
  

 

I agree in principle with what you have said. The big but(no pun intended) is no of this played out for me...I reiterate for me. I didn't mind the more public attention, it let everyone know who Mr. Messy and ow really were instead of the public persona of moral standards they had. Her BS did believe and had his own suspicions and evidence. And I really did mind if her bs went after Mr. Messy. That was something he should have considered before dipping his wick in someone else's wife. Watching his face go from disbelief, to anger to relief in a matter of minutes was a little unnerving. I think had I gone to him immediately, before I allowed myself time to pray and absorb the info...it probably would have been a lot worse.

[Dexter Morgan]

Pros of telling OM's spouse:

 

1) ratting out OM sure would bring alot of satisfaction

 

2) wife of OM deserves to know what a bastard she is married to

 

3) IF I were trying to give the person that cheated on me another chance, then telling the wife of OM would show me where my cheating gf/wife would stand. If she gets mad, she is protecting OM and she can just show herself the door

 

Cons???

 

1) a family might be in jeopardy. But then again, the informant isn't the one that destroyed the family, its the cheaters that did that.

 

2) can't think of anything but 1

[Trojan John]

Totally agree with both your opinion and your reasons for butchering people, Dexter.

[seibert253]

Sometimes you have to just do what's right, and let the chips fall where they may.

 

The OS derserves to know the truth, and the WS needs to learn that to every action, there's a consequence.

[MistyK]

Sometimes you have to just do what's right, and let the chips fall where they may.

 

The OS derserves to know the truth, and the WS needs to learn that to every action, there's a consequence.

 

true enough, but the same goes for the OP. If the consequences to her are not worth it, then it's probably best not to do it. Not a good idea to cut off ones nose to spite their face, you know?

[misternoname]

I had no issues with telling the other spouse...in retrospect I would do it again. When I met with her to tell her what I knew she was absolutely floored. She didn't have a clue. When ALL the truth came out she discovered that he had had numerous affiars...my wife was just the next notch on his belt.

 

The outcome? I'm happily divorced and they're still together. Why? She commented to a friend that she "didn't love him but he is a good dad and makes alot of money."

 

How pathetic is that???

[LadyDi]

MM's W sent my H an anonymous e-mail telling him what I'd been up too. It actually backfired a little to what she really wanted because she wouldn't ID herself or MM...to "protect" him. Hey, if you're going to be a bear, be a grizzly. So he just ended up more upset with her than anyone for being anonymous and a coward. I later found out she regretted it, because H went on an all out hunt to find out who they were (and no, I didn't tell him who either, not to protect them, but it was MY actions and MY responisiblity, I was to blame) She was suppose to have spent alot of time worrying about him discovering who she was after that....

[Anahata]

I'm done with 2nd and 3rd and 5th chances - I told him to cut off contact and to tell me if she tried to contact him since he claimed he "couldn't control what she was going to do." After some teethpulling he grudgingly removed her from his facebook page. The contact had dropped off for a little while and is now an occaisional sporadic messaging among other "ladies" he's texting he thinks I don't know about. But I don't have access to his emails or FB and he's placed a password lock on his phone, under the guise of "bumping buttons in my pocket," but mainly b/c he caught me looking through it so I'm sure there's more going on. Last time I caught him he lamely suggested MC but has done nothing to offer any transparency, honesty or real willingness to go to MC.

 

Last time he told me I shouldn't have to worry about this particular OW anymore b/c she was now spending time with the guy she cheated with when they were together. Yes, he claims he broke up with his "soulmate" b/c he caught her cheating - knowing what I know now they were most likely both cheating on each other.

 

So does OW's BS already know something is up with his WS if she's running around with other men playing the "unhappily married wife I'm only in it for the kids?"

 

I guess since I'm planning on giving him the boot it doesn't do anything for our relationship to force them into the open, unless he does want to try to squabble over money. We're married 10 years, no kids, it'll just be the financials and the house to work out, which I'd prefer to keep civil.

 

So I guess in my case, vindication and "the gift of honesty" would be the only things I'd get out of it and perhaps I'll just keep it in my back pocket until were finalized and then warn OW's BS to watch out since his wife's "soulmate" is now free to pursue his passions.

 

Thanks all, nothing left but to get a lawyer and vent.

[Dexter Morgan]

Totally agree with both your opinion and your reasons for butchering people, Dexter.

 

thanks dude.

 

I always find it odd when people say, "if you tell the OP's spouse you will be destroying their family"

 

No....that is what the cheater did, not the informant.

[Anahata]

LadyDi: If I do tell, I will make it very easy for OW's BS to know who's involved. It'll make it easier for him to separate this one out from her other "friends."

 

Phonix: I'm no longer interested in stopping the infidelity - his choice, his actions. He wants to choose to continue being a sneaky cheating liar and yet expect our relationship to change for the better? Why would I want to fight for that?

[MistyK]

I guess since I'm planning on giving him the boot it doesn't do anything for our relationship to force them into the open, unless he does want to try to squabble over money. We're married 10 years, no kids, it'll just be the financials and the house to work out, which I'd prefer to keep civil.

 

So I guess in my case, vindication and "the gift of honesty" would be the only things I'd get out of it and perhaps I'll just keep it in my back pocket until were finalized and then warn OW's BS to watch out since his wife's "soulmate" is now free to pursue his passions.

 

 

Yeah, it might be wise for you to hold onto your leverage for awhile. Just in case.

[LadyDi]

Well there ya go! be a Grizzly!! Wimps not allowed, lol

[schewter]

In my case, contacting the lad's wife led to exposing his lies to my wife which was a good thing. Let her see him for the sleaze that he was / is. I have to agree with Dexter on the destroying a family thing...stepping out on your spouse in the first place is what destroys the family. Had I caught what was going on on my own (wife ended up telling me which was better in a way) I would have exposed both of them to their respective managements. Wife says "what if that got me fired"? to which I reply "Well, if cavorting with a client is grounds for dismissal then maybe you oughta be fired".

[Apple_juice]

Pros:

 

As per Dexter Morgan, MistyK, Phonix, and other posters.

 

Cons:

 

You may cause your H to resent you (but who cares really?). As per WH's Words "I have never seen you from this angle, the vindictive you. I don't like what i see and i just don't know if i can view you differently after this" (well i did force the OW to give me her husband's detail and told him all, since she was not willing)

 

It might make you look more like the bad guy, and OW - the poor victim (with a 'big' marriage problem to cope with in the first place) and then more to come after the revelation, with no one to protect her etc etc.

[LakesideDream]

Pros of telling OM's spouse:

 

1) ratting out OM sure would bring alot of satisfaction

 

2) wife of OM deserves to know what a bastard she is married to

 

3) IF I were trying to give the person that cheated on me another chance, then telling the wife of OM would show me where my cheating gf/wife would stand. If she gets mad, she is protecting OM and she can just show herself the door

 

Cons???

 

1) a family might be in jeopardy. But then again, the informant isn't the one that destroyed the family, its the cheaters that did that.

 

2) can't think of anything but 1

 

 

Dexter, on your "Cons"... what difference does it make if the BS isn't the one who destroyed the family... if it ends up destroyed in the end?

[NowhereToHide]

Dexter, on your "Cons"... what difference does it make if the BS isn't the one who destroyed the family... if it ends up destroyed in the end?

 

 

Did the MM/MW screw up by having an affair? Absolutely.

 

But what if it was a one-time thing? What if they are truly remorseful? What if his or her family can be spared the hurt of what they engaged in?

 

The opinions on here which are essentially, "all the innocents deserve to get hurt, too, because someone cheated".... I just don't get it. These are innocent children with a flawed parent. Do we really have to insist on more casualties just to "teach" the cheater a lesson? These are real people we are talking about, whose lives would be forever changed for the worse.

 

The cheater does deserve pain.... but I don't believe their children do. Not if they are willing to fix in themselves what led them to cheat.

[sounsure]

Wow, I am so happy to finally see someone going through this exact thing. I've only posted a couple of times , but to put it in a nut shell, caught my husband having an affair with a much younger, married co -worker. Have all the evidence - copies of emails, phone records, facebook conversations, etc. I have told my husband on multiple occasions that I have the evidence and will be sharing it with her husband. The thing that has completely blown me away is how he freaks completely out when I say anything about telling her husband. He really gets upset and tells me I am evil and only want everyone else to me miserable. That she had nothing to do with our issues. Unbelievable!! Well, this "husband" is so difficult to find - I have paid to get his phone number / email and have not been able to get it. I do have their address but did not want to go to their house - it is in a very scary neighborhood. Not only does he cheat on me, he cheats with a hoochy mama that lives in a bad part of town. Uggh!! One of my friends suggested I send all the evidence with a letter explaining what I know via registered mail where only the husband can sign for it. Sounds like a good plan to me. I can just see her coming to the door when the mailman rings and seeing a package from me and not being able to sign for it. Definitely priceless!!! O.K., feel like I have hijacked this thread. Sorry about that. Just happy to see some thoughts on this topic that I have been stirriing over since D Day ( May 7 ) . Oh yeah, and by the way, I have moved on with my life. New home with our 2 daughters, divorce papers filed and will probably be final in the next month. Life is so much better now. But still want the revenge of making her life as miserable as she made mine!!

[schewter]

Bad people from the wrong side of town...sounds like your X-husband is afraid of this one's man coming after him.

[eeyore1981]

Did the MM/MW screw up by having an affair? Absolutely.

 

But what if it was a one-time thing? What if they are truly remorseful? What if his or her family can be spared the hurt of what they engaged in?

 

The opinions on here which are essentially, "all the innocents deserve to get hurt, too, because someone cheated".... I just don't get it. These are innocent children with a flawed parent. Do we really have to insist on more casualties just to "teach" the cheater a lesson? These are real people we are talking about, whose lives would be forever changed for the worse.

 

The cheater does deserve pain.... but I don't believe their children do. Not if they are willing to fix in themselves what led them to cheat.

 

A lie of omission is still a lie.

 

IMO, this is something each person has to decide for themselves. In my case, OW knew from day one H was a married man. Every action they took was deliberate, to hell with me. I told EVERYONE.

[bentnotbroken]

A lie of omission is still a lie.

 

IMO, this is something each person has to decide for themselves. In my case, OW knew from day one H was a married man. Every action they took was deliberate, to hell with me. I told EVERYONE.

 

 

 

Exactly. A truth is the truth, if only one person believes it. A lie is still a lie if hundreds of people believe it. The "what ifs" should have been asked before the A. What if they don't cheat again. It typically doesn't work that way. Remorse and regret aren't the same thing. Most people who have affairs regret at some point. But remorse means making amends, not covering the deed. Covering means protecting ones self, with the justification of saving others. Bull.

[aeh]

I'm patiently waiting. I'm going to tell. My H's OW was also a younger married co-worker. I have to wait until some things happen at work before I can come forward with this information. I'm sure that by now she is slipping into a comfort zone that I won't come around and she has no idea...But I'm waiting to protect myself. Exactly as you said, Misty, I don't want to cut off my nose to spite my face....

 

I think I will show up on her doorstep sometime so I can meet her face to face when she leasts expects it. Then later I am planning on calling or sending a letter to her husband.

[silktricks]

Former BS here. My H's ex-OW wasn't married, so I wasn't faced with this. So this is only an opinion with no basis in experience, and coming from a position of far less pain than if the incident had been recent.

 

I probably would have not told her husband. HOWEVER, if it hadn't been OK with my husband for me to make up my own mind about it, I probably would have divorced him. In other words, had he gone into "protection mode" for her - in any regard - it would have been definitely not OK with me.

 

Why wouldn't I have told him? I would have felt it wasn't my place to do so. It would have been her marriage and her situation, not mine.

 

I personally would also choose knowledge to lack of knowledge and honesty to lies. I do not agree, though, that not telling someone something is the same as lying to them. Do I think the BS always has the right to know? Absolutely, I do believe that. Do I think that if I know something that it is then my responsibility to tell? No, I do not.

 

Just because I personally would want to know, does not mean that everyone would. If I base everything on what I would want in a given situation, then I am assuming that everyone is like me. I don't think that's a valid assumption. So, I doubt that I would have told... but, all this is from the viewpoint of years down the road, and maybe at that time I would have had a different opinion.

[Anahata]

To those that say the innocents don't deserve to get hurt - are they not already being hurt by living in a lie or unhealthy relationship at the least? Don't they deserve someone that would provide them with true hinesty, intimacy, affection, love? the children by receiving their moral examples from a woman that's sneaking around behind their father's back, telling other men how much she dislikes him? I'm not out to hurt children, whether her husband leaves her or they work it out is their decision. but as for the adults, there is something wrong already going on in their relationship - you're not "breaking it up" you're revealing a problem for what it is.

 

WS and OW are unrepentant repeat cheaters with major mental issues that only they themselves can fix, if they were to ever acknowledge their problems and choose to do so. I'm leaving mine, they both do need to experience the results of their chosen actions.