Limbo21 Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 I have never experienced regret & loss quite like this before! I'm a middle aged man for christ sakes! I should be able to just brush this aside but I can't seem to function properly. Been looking for this girl for 7 years since splitting from my long term partner I have an autistic son & in that time I've never met anyone that's worthy of my time shared with my son ... until I met my ex He bonds with people very quickly (odd for autism but true) & he bonded with her so well.* I'm just so regretful & the pain (I can only describe it as pain) is sometimes overwhelming I downloaded an app for my phone to gauge my rollercoaster emotions yesterday ... I think I could be *depressed or at least on the way.* I'm working for some positives out of this but truth be told I'm finding it the hardest thing I've ever done ... We split in may and reconcilled, we then split 13 days ago, the longest I've never spoken to her & I know in my heart of hearts that unless something happens very soon I'll never speak to her again I just want to reconnect with her but I know it's the wrong thing to do. I think it'd work but she has to think that too so the balls in her court & I know she's not coming back but all she says to me is 'i love you with all my heart but there's too many things against us'* The hardest thing I've ever experienced is supressing unconditional love for someone you would literally do anything for ... and I mean anything. I love this girl more than I thought possible & now I'm lost Any words of hope & wisdom for a middle aged single dad of one would be more than welcome
BW007 Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 I am 43 and I feel like a teenager who just went through the ringer for the last six months. There is no age limit to any of this as far asd heartbreaking crap goes. Just keep being a grownup is my advice and maybe if you keep being the cool guy that she first met there is some hope for you, but give her space to either come back or end it and make sure she knows you love her. Thats all I got.
Author Limbo21 Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 Well I've done it! I've broken NC after 13 days (11 days ago I changed my number) This is how the texts went. I'm only posting this cos I feel so down & out of it .... Just make sure you have your vomit bag at hand.* (me) I know u prolly dont want to hear from me but I'm missing u like crazy x (her) Who's this? Think you have the wrong number (me) It's Richard x (her) Tried calling but you'd block me. Hope you're ok? Off to choose our new puppy tonight:) (me) Cancelled the contract. Miss u Amy x (her) Miss you 2. Trying to be brave x (me) Hope ur doing better than me? What did u *try & call me for?* (her) Coz i missed you and wanted to speak with you. It was easier thinking you'd blocked me x (me) I've never known such strong feelings before. Is there any way back for us? X (her) Too much hurt, too many lies. X (me) I had this burning need to ask that. I've been torturing myself that u may have tried to contact me to tell me u wanted to be with me ... I guess all I can do now is move forward without u. I'll not contact u again. So sad to let u leave me life x (her) I did but you'd blocked me so i thought sod it. I shall walk this life alone. That list hurts x (me) I hadn't blocked u, I cancelled the contract & there was a mix up with the Internet package. I told u I was cancelling, just happened sooner than I thought. Yes I that list hurts. I hurt! U hurt! But my love for u is so strong! X (her) You've unsettled me again:( x (me) I'm sorry, i want u, I need u! I'll leave it at that. If u love me we can do this! If not then just tell me it's over & I'll leave u alone x (her) Did u make it to Alpha? (me) I called them 3 times with no response to find out the start date. I don't know this no of by heart so didn't leave a VM so no I haven't. U know I will, just feel like a zombie without u & church was only gonna make me think of what a wonderful person I've lost x (her) Yeah right. The number was in your phone. Never mind eh (her) I need to get on with my life now. I hate this limboness. I need to move fwd positively. Good bye baby *x (me) U didn't read my message properly. Yes I have their number, I don't know my own x (her) Why did you have to contact me?! I was doing ok (me) Just got ur message. Ok at least I know we have nothing left. Goodbye my baby, damn it I love u. I won't contact u again, sorry for unsettling u. We'll leave each other be as u don't want to pursue it anymore. U'll be fine again soon I hope x (her) Wish u did love me! (me) If only u knew how much I did x (her) The list says it all thank you x (me) That list is bs!!! To try and help me cope with my loss of u! I can't make it any clearer! I love u with all my heart & I'm going through hell not having my baby with me. Uv made it clear ur ready to move on. I'll respect ur wishes x (her) Thankyou. Take care x (her) I just can't believe it! I'm upset now:( x (me) I'm sorry. Concentrate on ur new 4 legged addition to the family & u'll be ok soon. I'll not contact u again, I'm just in love & it makes u do crazy things. Take care Amy xx (her) You're in denial, you really don't love me.* (me) That's such a silly thing to say! X (me) Let me show u x (her) I don't want flowers x (her) I think what u say is silly x (her) You're scaring me now what you're going to do. Hope you're not going to turn up unexpectantly! (me) That list was written because I DO LOVE U!! U rejected me so I tried to fall out of love with u! I was so depressed ud gone and got someone else so quickly. I won't send u flowers, it's so much deeper than that!! *Pls Amy just tell me it's over if that's what u realt want That way I won't upset u again x (me) I'm not gonna do anything. I'm talking about the bigger picture. Rest assured I will not come and see u x (her) Goodbye plse don't contact me again x (me) Ok I will not. Goodbye x x x Well all that was about an hour ago Some points you may not understand - List - when we broke up in may I was told by various friends to make a list of all the things you didn't like about the relationship, to take her of the pedistal! I did and it was quite a big list lol. Anyway she wanted to try again. We both had each others passwords for everything (she wanted no secrets from the begining and suggested I have her details - I gave her mine as I thought it was only fair. I also had another old account and that's where this list was. She hacked into it and found it - that's why we broke up the 2nd time - Lies - yes I'm ashamed to say I told her a couple of lies, nothing major & they were mainly to sound more exciting than I actually am (she's 27 I'm 40 & been together for about 2 years) - Alpha - she is a christian, she is still married as mentioned in an earlier post & seeking divorce. She wants to me to seek faith too & I will for both of us as she has made some major sacrifies to be with me Yes I know I've ***ced up!! And I'm gutted I changed my number cos if it's true what she text she wanted to talk about us bit couldn't Feel like poop again now Update - she has just text I love you x What shall I do guys??
hopesndreams Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 It's a big age gap. She's confused but playing you at the same time. Give her time with her thoughts, don't respond to the "i love you" text...you respond, it will just be more of the same back and forth and getting nowhere. Were you 2 just dating or living with each other?
Author Limbo21 Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 I have my own property so no but she moved 100 miles to be with me. I used to spend roughy 5 nights a week with her as I have my son every weekend yes it is a big age difference and she is a stunning girl, if I posted a pic of her some of you guys would be scrabbling for her tel no. Sorry to say but I did respond to her 'I love u' text but just the one text U think she's playing me? Have to say there are days when I totally agree with you, other days I'm not so sure Thanks for reading & offering advice. I feel so torn
adamt Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 She probably isnt ready to settle down. She is stilll married and so she could be messing with someone else now.Sounds like in the end she was playing games with you. I found it odd how you gave each other passwords. Did you really trust each other? I would never exchange passwords even though i had nothign to hide. I think this shows as a good example not to break NC. But hopefully you now have closure and can look after yourself and son now. focus on that. you wil meet someone else
stillafool Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 I think she still has very strong feelings for you but she wants to move on. If she is as stunning as you say she may already have someone else. It makes her sad to talk to you because old memories can be so sweet. She doesn't want to hurt you by telling you good-bye but she did ask you not to contact her again. I think that was the answer to your question: "Amy just tell me it's over if that's what you want." I think it's time for you to move on.
Jmina Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 For a start... i didn't know that with age comes 'lesser' emotions =P you shouldn't 'know better' or 'feel less' or even get over it quicker just because your older than you were last time you were hurt. You may feel you are capable of loving more the older you get, and if that love becomes unrequited in a way that she cannot be the person you want her to be, i'd imagine the feelings that emerge to cope with this, would be just as intense. youre human no matter how old you are and we all hurt the same. So don't beat yourself up for that. GOT IT?!!??!??!!?!??! Good. Now i know love is blind - i've been there, exactly where you are now, and i know it is really hard to focus on the not so good stuff your ex has said like 'there is too much against us' if anything focusing on this would be an attempt or willingness to let go. i'm not sure you can let go just yet before letting yourself go through your grief. As hard as it is to focus on the bad stuff, at the the end of the day if you have developed a belief, an outcome - maybe you are hoping for a certain out come, this is even harder. It will keep you from living the life you were meant to live, because you will be installing/investing yourself into a life you would much rather plan. maybe she will wake up and see we are meant for each other she just needs to get this out of her system and when shes done that ill be waiting for her she is just afraid she cant commit then you back this up by remembering we were so good together we were really truly amazing she is the only one who loves and gets a long with my son just how i imagined she would she is the only one who loves and gets a long with my son just how i imagined she would she is the only one who loves and gets a long with my son just how i imagined she would Forgive me if i am completely off the track, but i this has a lot to do with your grief and possibly a belief you have to why you were so perfect together. Maybe that is something if you wanted, you could look at. At the end of the day, the big point, the big red flag, is she is declining what the two of you had, and what you have to offer. I might add, she is declining in a reasonable, respectful way too. It also seems that she doesn't have a grip on herself. If you continue to contact her she will only hurt you, and not because she wants to or means to but because she is sad and lonely. There is more out there for her that she wants to explore, and you are making it very hard, and probably evoking a lot of guilt on her part for leaving while you love each other so. My advice, is to leave it as it is. If you decide to fix things, or to prove her that nothing is too hard, if you get a sudden urge of love for her and try in any way shape or form to try to get her back.... then the odds are her respectful decline may develop into a much less nicer decline...and this will expose the thoughts and feelings she hasn't shared with you. There are DEFINATELY thoughts she hasnt shared with you. These are the thoughts that has enabled her to break your relationship from 'us' to you and me. She wants to be separated from you, or at least she needs to be, and she is honouring that. If there is no obvious reason to why we break up... We tend to break up by telling our ex the least possible we can get away with, and the least amount of damage to both of us. She has told you that there is too much against you... i don't know what else she has told you but just hearing that, from an outsiders point of view (and that is all i am, so take this how you will) everything that is against the two of you, she believes in more that the opposed.. and when someone feels this... when someone knows there is something better, something different, something not yet experienced, you are competing with the unstoppable force and you have to step away. You could start to make this all about yourself now. and you start with youre feelings. So far because you feel stupid for feeling so much at the age you are, i don't believe you have accepted these feelings and honoured them. So stop and listen to what your body is saying, what youre feeling. and then let it do what it has to do. cry, scream, punch.. You are desperately hurt by your ex... you will be angry soon enough because of this hurt, you will be bargening soon enough and you will feel even more sadness... but it will be a different sadness.. it will be the acceptance to the end of something... rather than the initial shock and overwhelming sadness that first takes over with a loss. finally you start to see things from a bigger point of you, you will accept this in time. but only if you allow yourself to feel. Goodluck. keep posting. Jmina
Author Limbo21 Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 Seriously thanks for reading, understanding & offering support. Yeah it's over & yes it helped a little with closure. She's doing all the right things to keep her mind from waivering - new dog -new car. I need to take a leaf outta her book You all talk alot of sense & many voices of experience and would like to especially thank Jmina for her long and helpful post I am wallowing in self pity & I can feel I'm almost finding it comfortable in a masochist kind of way! I'll bounce back just finding it the toughest thing I've ever had to deal with ... I can only assume it's because i truly experienced love for the first time & only thought I had in other relationships in my past Never gonna find anyone with her qualities but she had many many faults too **** me this is hard!!
Kaya Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Never gonna find anyone with her qualities but she had many many faults too Who knows what the future holds, you may find someone with even better qualities and less faults. **** me this is hard!! It sure is. Just let it be for awhile. All the best to you!
Jmina Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 Hey Dude, I agree how hard it is. I heard that a truly broken heart takes about 2 years to fully heal & and i experienced it pretty much that way. It sounds like a LONG time of hurting... but once youve been through it, you realize that it's not 2 years of getting worse and hurting, it's two years of growing stronger - getting better & once you've come out the worst of it, or even when your in the thick of it, you realize that it is such a personal journey that the 2 years or whatever you thought it would take to be over.. changes into a life long journey of growing... it will come to a point where it changes so much that the sting, ache, throbbing pain won't affect you at all. Unless you want to go back one day and remember but that is different because your'e able to come out of it again and continue with your much happier, authentic life. I say authentic because a break up happens when either one or both have growing to do... and if you let yourself, this is a perfect opportunity to create yourself again. Hang in there, the first 3 months are the hardest, it will get easier till it's gone. I know you have youre doubts but it will go if you make this whole experience about you. Jmina
Kaya Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 a break up happens when either one or both have growing to do... and if you let yourself, this is a perfect opportunity to create yourself again. This is so true..
Author Limbo21 Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 Amen! (in an agnostic kind of way) well I've been thinking long & hard. Yes I think I've got all the closure I need & the clarity shining through is helping me want to move on so thanks ladies trouble is she keeps texting & ringing ... I've ignored & been indifferent with the 2 texts I've responded too about picking my stuff up. She has made her choice!! So why keep in touch!! I know why but it doesn't half give mixed messages
Recommended Posts