Past, Present & Future

[DustySaltus]

This may be a little long, but i need to get some things off my chest and who knows maybe it can help a few people out there. Some of you know my story, others may not (see old threads) but I think when I sat down and really thought about everything here is what i came up with:

 

PAST: I was a 26 year old investment banker working in NY. Everything was going great in my life but I was still missing that special someone. I would date, reconnect with old flames but after a previous five year relationship and two years of being single, I was caught thinking about the one that got away. I first met my Ex-fiance 10 years ago at a summer camp, she was my first and after the summer we did not speak for 8 years. I always thought she was the love of my life so I figured, why not take one last shot?

 

Emails turned into phone calls, which turned into visits to Israel and her to America and eventually because of an illness is her family, I moved to Israel. I asked her to marry me and she said yes. I was the happiest guy in the world but there were so many red flags that I turned a blind eye to. The email and phone checking, the false cheating accusations, the sudden "I don't think I can can move from my family" change. I stuck by her through everything.

 

I was making $4 an hour teaching english, a steep pay cut from the six figures I had worked so hard to get in America. I don't know, I was so worried about our future and wanted us to move back to America. First she said she would, then she said she wouldn't. Then the day came where I was offered my dream job in America and she told me that she would not come back with me. She also told me she saw emails back to my family stating that I was thinking about coming back to America anyway because things were rough over there. But where was I going without her? Long story short, she kicked me out. 12 hour plane ride back to America, starting from scratch.

 

PRESENT: It's been three months since that fateful day. I couldn't sleep for almost three days. I managed to get my old job back, but took a pay cut. She emailed my boss to try and get me fired three days after i got back. I mean who waits THREE DAYS???? That was some vindictive crap right there.

 

I thought about going back to work things out a few times. Thankfully, I never did. My mother of all people told me that if I went over there I would be setting myself up for a life of unhappiness. She won't give me the engagement ring back, said nasty things about my family, tried to get me fired and told me that I wasn't serious about living over there. I GOT CITIZENSHIP IN ISRAEL AT 28, IF THERE WAS A WAR I WOULD HAVE TO GO INTO THE ARMY, I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO LEAVE AND GO BACK TO MY CUSHY JOB IN AMERICA!!!! THAT IS THE SACRIFICE I MADE FOR HER, ALONG WITH TAKING A 1000% PAY CUT!!!!

 

FUTURE: I thought she was the love of my life. I was certain. I traveled across the earth for her. How can I ever learn to trust or give my heart completely to another woman. I just can't keep taking so many hits. I understand life is difficult but no one deserves to go through what i;ve gone through. I always had the best intentions. Now, i'm starting from scratch. Relationships are such huge investments because you can't make up for lost time....you can only learn from the situations that life throws at you. I don't want to learn anymore though, I just want to be happy and settle down.

[hoping2heal]

This may be a little long, but i need to get some things off my chest and who knows maybe it can help a few people out there. Some of you know my story, others may not (see old threads) but I think when I sat down and really thought about everything here is what i came up with:

 

PAST: I was a 26 year old investment banker working in NY. Everything was going great in my life but I was still missing that special someone. I would date, reconnect with old flames but after a previous five year relationship and two years of being single, I was caught thinking about the one that got away. I first met my Ex-fiance 10 years ago at a summer camp, she was my first and after the summer we did not speak for 8 years. I always thought she was the love of my life so I figured, why not take one last shot?

 

Emails turned into phone calls, which turned into visits to Israel and her to America and eventually because of an illness is her family, I moved to Israel. I asked her to marry me and she said yes. I was the happiest guy in the world but there were so many red flags that I turned a blind eye to. The email and phone checking, the false cheating accusations, the sudden "I don't think I can can move from my family" change. I stuck by her through everything.

 

I was making $4 an hour teaching english, a steep pay cut from the six figures I had worked so hard to get in America. I don't know, I was so worried about our future and wanted us to move back to America. First she said she would, then she said she wouldn't. Then the day came where I was offered my dream job in America and she told me that she would not come back with me. She also told me she saw emails back to my family stating that I was thinking about coming back to America anyway because things were rough over there. But where was I going without her? Long story short, she kicked me out. 12 hour plane ride back to America, starting from scratch.

 

PRESENT: It's been three months since that fateful day. I couldn't sleep for almost three days. I managed to get my old job back, but took a pay cut. She emailed my boss to try and get me fired three days after i got back. I mean who waits THREE DAYS???? That was some vindictive crap right there.

 

I thought about going back to work things out a few times. Thankfully, I never did. My mother of all people told me that if I went over there I would be setting myself up for a life of unhappiness. She won't give me the engagement ring back, said nasty things about my family, tried to get me fired and told me that I wasn't serious about living over there. I GOT CITIZENSHIP IN ISRAEL AT 28, IF THERE WAS A WAR I WOULD HAVE TO GO INTO THE ARMY, I WOULD NOT BE ABLE TO LEAVE AND GO BACK TO MY CUSHY JOB IN AMERICA!!!! THAT IS THE SACRIFICE I MADE FOR HER, ALONG WITH TAKING A 1000% PAY CUT!!!!

 

FUTURE: I thought she was the love of my life. I was certain. I traveled across the earth for her. How can I ever learn to trust or give my heart completely to another woman. I just can't keep taking so many hits. I understand life is difficult but no one deserves to go through what i;ve gone through. I always had the best intentions. Now, i'm starting from scratch. Relationships are such huge investments because you can't make up for lost time....you can only learn from the situations that life throws at you. I don't want to learn anymore though, I just want to be happy and settle down.

 

Dusty, If you learn from this lesson is not as big of a loss as you might think it is. I know a couple who met in their 30's and have been madly in love the last 9 years. Yes, you went through hell and I'm not trying to kick you while you were down, but you know all those red flags? You learned a lesson that had a very steep price for you, you learned that red flags are there for a reason, and simply waiting around or ignoring them will not make a person right for us just because we WANT too. Sacrificing ourselves in the manner of which you did, still won't save us in the end. It just won't, it will only make us feel more angry and cheated. There ARE good, loving, attentive women out there, there really are but you won't find any of them if you're distracted and caught up in the hot mess express like you were with this woman. Learn to trust your instincts next time and when you can see where it's going, it may be tough; but it's so much better to weed out those that aren't right for us earlier on, than years, and time, blood, sweat, tears, and sacrifices later.

[Phedre]

I wish I had advice to give, but all I can offer is empathy. I'm sorry you are having to start everything over again. You put so much of yourself out there, hell all over yourself out there for her and she, it doesn't sound like, was never really honest with you about her feelings on where ya'll should live. You gave up everything in hopes of getting even more and in the end have even less than you started with - at least that is how I feel personally after having to start rebuilding my life after divorice. 2.5 years of lying, cheating, 2nd/3rd/4th chances, deployments, moving, tears, and a pair of brown eyes I'll never forget... and I have not a thing to show for it. All my plans and dreams are gone, dead. Back to living in the parents basement as if my ego wasn't already bruised enough. I gave someone everything and I ended up with nothing. ... but then again, I did get a much better idea of who I am and what I want out of a relationship and marriage and life in general, I learned some lessons the hardest way possible... soooo I take increased 'life smarts' from this... and you are taking that away from your ex too Dusty. You reaping the benefits of a lesson you paid dearly to learn... like paying attention to the red flags (biggie for me too), making sure you both want the same things in life, and probably other things regarding what you do and do not want in a mate. The thing about starting over is we get the chance to make ourself better than we were when we first began.

[DustySaltus]

Thanks for your input.

 

I just feel like all things being equal the love of your life is the one that completely separates themselves from the pack when things are going good. The one that you want to marry. However, I never thought about how she completely separated herself from the pack with the nasty, evil stuff that she did.

 

I've gone out on about 6 or 7 dates in the past couple of weeks and I've tried not to compare, but it always happens. I know that I will NEVER sacrifice myself the way I did for her EVER again. Who knows someone might be willing to do it for me, but I don't think I have the will to reciprocate anymore. They'll probably feel unappreciated, but I really need to fight against that.

 

 

This is really the thing that takes the cake with my EX though. After she admitted to checking my emails for a while and was ready to kick me out she told me she was willing to forget everything if I agreed to give up my dream job completely and agree to live in Israel forever. I told her I could not make that commitment. I was willing to postpone things further so we can figure things out but I would not make that decision right then and there. At that point she told me to leave. It's like she was trying to build a case on me to make me feel so guilty that I would give in to her every demand. But depsite how much I loved her, I didn't give in to her ultimatum. Thaty makes me feel like I screwed up sometimes but others it makes me feel like I really stuck up for myself and I have nothing to be ashamed of. If she really loved me we would have found a way, when then's a will, there's a way. I had the will, now I need to find my way again.