When the love is gone, can it be regained?

[RobertLS]

I posted my story here a year ago, http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t160546, got some good feedback, and then disappeared to try to work on my marriage. I just re-read that original post, and I'm dismayed that I don't seem to be much better off now than I was then. A year later, and I'm still married to someone I don't love. We've been through 4 different counselors. Our current one is the best, but I'm still not in love with my wife, or at least I'm still at the point where I love her like a sister, not a wife. We've read stuff on marriage builders, tons of books, talked with people. A lot of the advice we get says "be patient, give it time", ...... but how long is too long?

 

I guess the reason I'm still married is that my wife feels that it IS possible to regain love, and she keeps hoping I will. I've heard both sides. Some people say it's possible, others say once it's gone, it's gone. Is there anyone out there who lost their love for their spouse but later re-gained it? If so, what did you do? I've been totally out of love with my wife for almost 5 years. I didn't pursue divorce back then because of the kids, but they're grown up now, and I don't want to fake it any longer. Yet my wife wants to keep trying. I have the hardest time ungluing myself from her. We made a joint decision to get married, and I'm not comfortable with the thought of unilaterally ending it.

 

We read a recent Q&A from marriage builders that I thought was very good, http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_fear.html. One thing that jumped out at me was the statement that if a person is not in love, marriage doesn't make much sense. That makes perfect sense to me! I'm not in love, so why am I still married? Why? Because there's this nagging thought that maybe I can fall back in love. I don't really want to get divorced. If there was a magic pill I could take to fall in love again, I would take it. The article also offers an explanation for why I'm not committed to working on my marriage -- because I'm not in love! I always thought I wasn't in love because I wasn't committed, not the other way around. So the key then becomes falling in love again. The commitment vs. falling in love thing seems like a chicken-and-egg problem. Any thoughts?

[alexxx]

When the love is gone it cannot be regained.

 

But I do not think this is the right question to ask in your case. You need to ask (YOURSELF) the following questions:

 

Have you ever loved your wife? If you did, the love cannot disappear just like that. If you did, you are probably still loving her, subconsciously. People sometimes test their love (hard way) by leaving their spouses, only to realize (often too late) that they have made a terrible mistake. Could it be that you are confused because of the internet affair? Remember, grass is always greener on the other side.

 

Again, the catch is: You probably won't know until you leave her. But at that point, there is (often) no way back. Be smart. And good luck.

[RobertLS]

Hi Alex, thanks for your good thoughts. In reply, yes I did love my wife when we got married. The love didn't go away just like that, it slowly eroded over a period of about 20 years. Your comment that I may still love my wife subconsciously may be true, and I think that's part of why I have a hard time deciding what to do -- what if it's true and I just don't know it? We had some friends that did just what you described. The woman left her husband, a year later wanted to get back together, but by then it was too late, he had moved on. That scenario scares me; it would be very sad if that happened to me. The internet affair is long gone; haven't had contact since January. My wife and I have have been separated since then too. My gut instinct says this marriage is not recoverable in the sense that I won't be happy staying, but as long as my wife holds out hope and wants to keep trying, I feel I can't walk away.

[alexxx]

Hi Alex, thanks for your good thoughts. In reply, yes I did love my wife when we got married. The love didn't go away just like that, it slowly eroded over a period of about 20 years.

 

I still find hard to believe that love can erode (except if she hurt you somehow; cheating, disrespect, etc.). Could it be that you just got used to that way of life, it became boring, you are taking her and your marriage for granted? Marriage is a lot of work. I know that you know that, but do you practice it?

 

My gut instinct says this marriage is not recoverable in the sense that I won't be happy staying, but as long as my wife holds out hope and wants to keep trying, I feel I can't walk away.

 

The fact that your wife wants to keep trying its priceless. By all means give it a try. It might prove difficult to find another person who cares.

[giotto]

this is a very good question and my answer is "probably not". I would not say "categorically not", because life is a mystery and things can change in an instant.

 

I'm trying to find the love for my wife again myself, although we've fallen out of love for different reasons. Next year will be 20 years of marriage, 25 (than number!) together... our children are growing up, but the youngest is still only 8, so divorce is out of the question. I am where you are. Should I stay or should I go? I don't really know. I don't know if I can find the love for my wife again. I know she doesn't love me like she used to (she told me) and that shattered me. At the moment, I'm drowing in resentment, unfortunately. So, is it too early for love? Can we work at the marriage together? We get along fine and I ask myself: I wonder if we can find that spark again. But then, I doubt it. We've been to counselling, and we failed. We separated. And we failed. We are back together... will we fail again? The other day I surprised her reading a "think positively" book... god... I think we are probably done!

 

In your shoes, I would probably go. Find a woman you can love and find those wonderful feelings again. I look forward to that myself, in a few years time...

[samspade]

When the love is gone, can it be regained?

 

The answer is no.

[confusedinkansas]

When the love is gone it cannot be regained.

 

But I do not think this is the right question to ask in your case. You need to ask (YOURSELF) the following questions:

 

Have you ever loved your wife?

 

Alexxx - I do not agree with the first line of your post. I do believe love can be regained! BUT....Your next question - SPOT ON!!!

If there was not love in the first place you can't "regain" it. If the OP & his wife never really loved each other - then I suppose there's nothing to "regain"...Right?

 

My husband & I lost our way during the early "empty nest" years - separated for a year. But, we did find love again. We also realized that it wasn't GONE - it was only misplaced for a temporary period of time (about 5 or so years)

But I can honestly say now - after 29 years of marriage - we are more happy than we ever have been & very much in love & very much all about each other. So, IF it was there to begin with, it CAN come back. If it wasn't, then I"m sorry Robert - it may be over. Sad to say.

[RobertLS]

Confusedinkansas, you bring up a very good point - was there love to begin with? I think so, but I'm not positive. I spoke with my mom about this recently, and she thinks I may not have been in love with my wife when we got married, that my wife may have been "a project." That doesn't sound very nice, and it's not something I would be proud of, but she IS my mom and knows me well. She also feels that once it's gone, it's very difficult to get back. Your story seems to be an exception.

 

During the down time you spoke of when you were separated, did you ever feel that it was truly gone? Or did you always feel that there was even the smallest of sparks still left. If I felt some kind of spark, I think I'd have an easier time riding this period out. But it feels like there's nothing left.

[RobertLS]

I still find hard to believe that love can erode (except if she hurt you somehow; cheating, disrespect, etc.).

 

There have been multiple hurts on both sides. Resentments built up, we've been in counseling off and on for the past 10-12 years, and about 5 years ago, I finally gave up emotionally. She didn't though.

 

The fact that your wife wants to keep trying its priceless. By all means give it a try. It might prove difficult to find another person who cares.

 

Priceless? I don't know. Sometimes it feels like a curse. It feels like I'm waiting for her to come to the same realization I've come to -- that we'll never have more than just a mediocre marriage. She's of the mindset that divorce is not an option, no matter how bad the marriage is. That exasperates me. Whether or not it's difficult to find another person who cares is not an issue for me. I'm ok living single. I feel that if I'm going to be married, I need to love my wife. If I can't do that, then why be married?

[mem11363]

If you split, is one of you going to be more adversely impacted financially then the other?

 

 

 

There have been multiple hurts on both sides. Resentments built up, we've been in counseling off and on for the past 10-12 years, and about 5 years ago, I finally gave up emotionally. She didn't though.

 

 

 

Priceless? I don't know. Sometimes it feels like a curse. It feels like I'm waiting for her to come to the same realization I've come to -- that we'll never have more than just a mediocre marriage. She's of the mindset that divorce is not an option, no matter how bad the marriage is. That exasperates me. Whether or not it's difficult to find another person who cares is not an issue for me. I'm ok living single. I feel that if I'm going to be married, I need to love my wife. If I can't do that, then why be married?

[RobertLS]

If you split, is one of you going to be more adversely impacted financially then the other?

 

Initially, she will be more adversely impacted. But in the long run, she should be ok once her family inheritance is settled.

[confusedinkansas]

During the down time you spoke of when you were separated, did you ever feel that it was truly gone? Or did you always feel that there was even the smallest of sparks still left. If I felt some kind of spark, I think I'd have an easier time riding this period out. But it feels like there's nothing left.

 

During the 14 months we lived apart - Yes, there were times & initially when I first moved out...I thought THAT'S IT! No love....Good riddons!! But everytime I tried to move on or think of my life without him, I just kept coming back. I believe there was a little spark still there. And, the hope that he'd pull his head out of his @ss & step up to the plate & be the husband he should be. (long story )

I think that the bottom line that brought us back & to realize what had happened was the sense of FAMILY! We are a very close family. 2 grown kids & even during the separation we still did some things as a family. We would both have missed out on a lot of things (together) in the future as well if we'd have chucked it back then...Grandchildren - Weddings, etc. We may be the exception to the rule, but there was a time I believed LOVE DIDN'T EXIST...In anyone's life! It was all a huge joke played on humankind.

I think differently now.

[mem11363]

This is how I would look at it. If my wife was making choices - consistently - that she knew I was unhappy with. And if she did that over a period of years - partly because she felt confident I wouldn't leave her because of the children - then I would feel no guilt. I definitely think many SPOUSES - men and women - mistreat their partners because the presence of the kids is such a strong anchor.

 

I think that behavior is wrong and abusive.

 

If however, you can really say that she tried all along, she simply struggled to make it work, that is different. I would have a hard time leaving someone who really made an effort along the way.

 

It sounds like she filled in some of her gaps with friendships - like the one guy you mention. Not saying she crossed a line, but it seems like in that case it was easier for her to come up with a third party answer then to make the effort to improve the marriage.

 

What is to stop her from taking your financial support until her inheritance and then keeping all the inheritance for herself and leaving you at that time?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Initially, she will be more adversely impacted. But in the long run, she should be ok once her family inheritance is settled.

[confusedinkansas]

On a side note - Perhaps that if you are questioning this & it is weighing SO heavy on your mind & heart - a separation from your wife might be in order. Not jumping head first into a divorce, but some time apart.

I'm not sure I believe the old cliche' Absense Makes The Heart Grow Fonder....But considering how long you've been together, Might it be a good idea to see if that's true?

[RobertLS]

On a side note - Perhaps that if you are questioning this & it is weighing SO heavy on your mind & heart - a separation from your wife might be in order. Not jumping head first into a divorce, but some time apart.

I'm not sure I believe the old cliche' Absense Makes The Heart Grow Fonder....But considering how long you've been together, Might it be a good idea to see if that's true?

 

We've been separated this entire year. I initially moved out in January, thinking I needed some space. She got a divorce atty in March, and that seemed to deflate any hope I had of reconciliation. If I had a spark back then, it was extinguished by legal proceedings. We put the lawyers on hold and went back to counseling in June and are still doing it, but nothing's improving, the heart is not growing fonder

[RobertLS]

What is to stop her from taking your financial support until her inheritance and then keeping all the inheritance for herself and leaving you at that time?

 

Nothing. And she knows she doesn't have to wait that long. I told her she could have whatever she wants, house, money, I don't care. Happiness is worth more than that. I'm ok starting over. Just don't take my dogs, that's all I asked her.

[mem11363]

Your next relationship will be harmed by a lack of money if you do what you say below. Only a man consumed by guilt or clinically depressed would walk away from his fair share (half) of the marriage.

 

I sent you a PM - sure looks like this is way more driven by guilt then fear.

 

 

 

 

Nothing. And she knows she doesn't have to wait that long. I told her she could have whatever she wants, house, money, I don't care. Happiness is worth more than that. I'm ok starting over. Just don't take my dogs, that's all I asked her.

[confusedinkansas]

We've been separated this entire year.

 

I apologize. I didn't see that post from before.

 

It does seem to me that you are a little driven by guilt.

If you want to stay & make it work, then do that & don't complain about it. But, it just seems thru your posts that you're kinda checked out already. So why not get your half of what's coming to you thru the marriage & move on with your life.

 

My advice (cuz i've seen this first hand) don't just walk away & let her have everything because you feel guilty that you fell out of love. I have a male friend who is now divorced (she divorced him for another man) & because of his guilt he let her have EVERYTHING. He took only a bare minimum of stuff & assets. He had to file for bankruptcy, lost his house, his business, etc. She is sitting pretty with her new boyfriend & he's living in a $700 a month apt. and very unhappy. Don't let this happen to you.

[RobertLS]

mem11363 & confusedinkansas, thanks for pointing out the guilt issue. I never thought about it that way. Don't worry about me giving away the farm. When I told my atty that I had told my wife she could have the house, my atty said very abruptly, "don't say that!!" I'll leave it up to them (atty's) to figure things out, and whatever they do will be find with me.

 

Confusedinkansas, I went back and read some of your initial posts, and it is remarkable you were able to recover your marriage. The biggest difference I see between your case and mine is that you moved out because of your husband's behavior, but you still loved him. In my case, I moved out because there was a lot of tension in the air. Now that I'm out, I can't really say I love her. My IC says not to move back in unless I fall back in love; otherwise, I'll regret it. Like you, moving out was a huge decision for me, very difficult to make. I wouldn't want to have to make it again.

[confusedinkansas]

My IC says not to move back in unless I fall back in love; otherwise, I'll regret it. Like you, moving out was a huge decision for me, very difficult to make. I wouldn't want to have to make it again.

 

You're right about my moving out. His behaviors were horrible. Would be deal breakers for a lot of people.

 

You sir, sound as if you are FORCING yourself to try to BE & or STAY in love with your wife. Why? I & I'm sure others will agree do not believe for a second you can FORCE yourself to be in love with anyone. - Years of marriage or not -

 

I understand long term commitment & not wanting to knee jerk & toss away years of a marriage - but you really do seem like you're forcing yourself. Like going to the dentist for a root canal. You know you need one & you need to GO.....But you sure as hell don't wanna....Waddup with that?....Unlike a root canal - Do you really believe that you will feel better after / or IF you're back under the same roof?

[RobertLS]

You sir, sound as if you are FORCING yourself to try to BE & or STAY in love with your wife. Why? I & I'm sure others will agree do not believe for a second you can FORCE yourself to be in love with anyone. - Years of marriage or not -

 

I understand long term commitment & not wanting to knee jerk & toss away years of a marriage - but you really do seem like you're forcing yourself. Like going to the dentist for a root canal. You know you need one & you need to GO.....But you sure as hell don't wanna....Waddup with that?....Unlike a root canal - Do you really believe that you will feel better after / or IF you're back under the same roof?

 

Wow! That is a GREAT reply! Thank you. It's wonderful to get someone else's honest objective opinion. When I read your words "forcing yourself," the lightbulb went off. That's exactly what it is. I've been floundering around for quite a while trying to understand my feelings, and you pinpointed them precisely. Thank you!

[confusedinkansas]

Why do you suppose you're doing that?

[giotto]

just get a bloody divorce!

[seoa]

I guess the reason I'm still married is that my wife feels that it IS possible to regain love, and she keeps hoping I will.

 

We made a joint decision to get married, and I'm not comfortable with the thought of unilaterally ending it.

 

My gut instinct says this marriage is not recoverable in the sense that I won't be happy staying, but as long as my wife holds out hope and wants to keep trying, I feel I can't walk away.

 

She's of the mindset that divorce is not an option, no matter how bad the marriage is.

 

She got a divorce atty in March, and that seemed to deflate any hope I had of reconciliation.

 

I have to say - I'm really not clear about who wants what here... you say a few times that you want out, and your wife won't consider divorce - but apparently she got the lawyers involved, and you were hoping for reconciliation...??

 

We read a recent Q&A from marriage builders that I thought was very good, http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8114_fear.html. One thing that jumped out at me was the statement that if a person is not in love, marriage doesn't make much sense.

 

You are misquoting this entirely - this article is advice directed at single people, saying don't get married in the first place if there is no love... He very much says in this article that he directs his efforts in MC at regaining the love, so it clearly is possible to do (in answer to your original question).

 

yes I did love my wife when we got married. The love didn't go away just like that, it slowly eroded over a period of about 20 years. Your comment that I may still love my wife subconsciously may be true, and I think that's part of why I have a hard time deciding what to do -- what if it's true and I just don't know it?

 

I feel that if I'm going to be married, I need to love my wife. If I can't do that, then why be married?

 

What does love look like to you...? What did it look like between the two of you, when your relationship was at its best...? What would your relationship look like now, if you were in love again...?

 

I spoke with my mom about this recently, and she thinks I may not have been in love with my wife when we got married, that my wife may have been "a project."

 

Yeah - hindsight is a wonderful thing, and all that... You say you've been together 20 years or so... There's a reasonably high chance that your mum (who no doubt loves you) wants what she thinks is best for you - and so she's doing what most people do, and reflecting back what you are saying you want, and providing you with the justifications to do that with less guilt... It's sweet of her, and I'm sure she genuinely means it, but it's not necessarily an accurate memory, from that long ago...

 

There have been multiple hurts on both sides. Resentments built up, we've been in counseling off and on for the past 10-12 years, and about 5 years ago, I finally gave up emotionally. She didn't though.

 

What kind of MC have you had - and which books..? Have you done things like the 'love languages' (seems to have a pretty high success rate in bringing back the loving feeling), and "I love you but i'm not in love with you"...? What was the outcome...?

 

My IC says not to move back in unless I fall back in love; otherwise, I'll regret it. Like you, moving out was a huge decision for me, very difficult to make. I wouldn't want to have to make it again.

 

I agree that you don't want to be changing your mind every 2 minutes, but waiting till you "fall" back in love is not necessarily realistic... "Falling" sounds unconscious - it cannot be unconscious at this point of the relationship... I guess it depends how important the phrase is - is this just about being "in love" again, or is the "falling" significant...?

[RobertLS]

Why do you suppose you're doing that?

 

Short answer: because she wants me to.

 

Long answer: We've read many self-help books on marriage and divorce, and the one that seemed most accurate in defining what when wrong in our marriage was Crazy Time. In healthy marriages, there needs to be a balance of power. In not-so-healthy marriages where one spouse becomes dominant and the other passive, resentments build up in the passive spouse until a breaking point occurs. The dominant/passive roles are just as likely to be male/female or female/male and are usually established very early in the marriage, sometimes even during the engagement period. When the passive spouse finally has had enough and decides to leave, a) the dominant spouse feels betrayed because they thought everything was ok, and b) the passive spouse feels guilty about finally making a decision for themselves. My wife and I fit this to a T, with me being in the passive role, and feeling guilty.