boogieboy Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Oh boy. Hey SG, you dont want to feel guilty telling this guy to stop calling you eh? How bout this: He calls you 6 times a day, you call him 12. Hey texts you 12 times a day, you text him 50. Ask him why hes cheating on you and just act crazy. Since you just HAVE to pick up the phone when he calls, Dont converse with him, just sing love songs, REALLY LOUD-until he hangs up. Think you can do that guilt free? Hes not going to go away when you ignore him, you have to tell him straight up that he has no chance...but then, you might want to s4ettle, so maybe he does have a chance?? You really hanging on to this guy because you are assertive enough to find someone better? I say give him a chance, he might slow down his lunacy... (I had to, shes not going to tell him to get lost, might as well go the other way)
seoa Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 (edited) wrote a list of why I do not like this guy - apart from the mauling. I think the real issue is that he earns about half of what I do, and that bugs me a lot. I think I have guilt issues - I think that if someone that ticks 6 out of 10 boxes comes along I should LEARN to settle. Isnt that what the rest of the world does? Not all issues are equal in a relationship... When 'the rest of the world' evaluates a relationship, they look at the *big* stuff (compatibility on the emotional, intellectual, social) and the *small* stuff (hair colour, height), and the stuff in between (current job)... You cannot just list your criteria out, and count the yes & no responses... Some things are more important than others... A rule of thumb (quicker than 'ticking boxes') is: ...Am I a better version of myself around this person...? ...Is he (or she) a better version of themselves around me...? If you are scared of him, you are not a better version of yourself around him, so he is not worth your time... You only need ONE of the "big" things to be a "no", and you walk away from the relationship... Accepting imperfections ("settling") means that there might be 4 or 5 of the "small" things that get a "no" - maybe even 1 or 2 of the "medium" things... Being scared of him is a BIG thing, so it's the only reason you need to walk away from him... (And, IMO, the job is not a good reason to walk away initially - if he's got the intellect that matches yours so you can have good conversation, then he has earning potential - single guys don't always earn as much as they could /as much as they would need to support a family because they don't yet have a family!!) Edited October 6, 2009 by seoa
Author so gutted Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 Not all issues are equal in a relationship... When 'the rest of the world' evaluates a relationship, they look at the *big* stuff (compatibility on the emotional, intellectual, social) and the *small* stuff (hair colour, height), and the stuff in between (current job)... You cannot just list your criteria out, and count the yes & no responses... Some things are more important than others... A rule of thumb (quicker than 'ticking boxes') is: ...Am I a better version of myself around this person...? ...Is he (or she) a better version of themselves around me...? If you are scared of him, you are not a better version of yourself around him, so he is not worth your time... You only need ONE of the "big" things to be a "no", and you walk away from the relationship... Accepting imperfections ("settling") means that there might be 4 or 5 of the "small" things that get a "no" - maybe even 1 or 2 of the "medium" things... Being scared of him is a BIG thing, so it's the only reason you need to walk away from him... (And, IMO, the job is not a good reason to walk away initially - if he's got the intellect that matches yours so you can have good conversation, then he has earning potential - single guys don't always earn as much as they could /as much as they would need to support a family because they don't yet have a family!!) OK i did what you all said and I keep quiet. He has started texting again after a brief break talking about how its KILLING him. he keeps using that word. He is so persistent - I have gone way off him totally. He scares me. He said he was thinking of meeting me outside my work - I havnt told him where I work. I am scared he has traked me down through my cellphone number. What do I do now?
seoa Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 OK i did what you all said and I keep quiet. ...What do I do now? You TELL him: - thanks for the time we've spent together - but i am not interested in taking things any further - i hope things work out well for you - OK, well, i have to go now This is normal procedure in dating world... If you'd done this right at the start, when you decided that he was making you uncomfortable, then things almost certainly wouldn't have gone this far... You are not obliged to give him a reason - just say "it's not working for me..." If he asks again, you just repeat yourself: "I don't know, it's just not working for me"... If he asks again, you repeat yourself again... But be definite - don't say "I'm not sure", don't say "maybe", have 2 phrases that you are comfortable with (in your own words), along the lines of "thanks for the time we've spent together" and "i'm not interested in taking things any further", and just repeat them until YOU get bored - and then end the call: "OK, well, i have to go now"... That's all you need to say, to get off the phone: "OK, well, I have to go now"... Because you do - have to go... You have to go, and not be on the phone to him anymore... It is not about what HE wants from you - you are ending things with him, so you get to do what YOU want... He won't track you via your cell phone, he is currently still pursuing you because you have not told him that you don't want it... What he's done up until now has WORKED with you (it's got him your time & attention) so why would he do something different. Tell him. Be clear. Then, and only then, if that doesn't work, is he doing something wrong.
boogieboy Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Seoa, none of that is going to work. its vague, and you cant be vague to a stalker. Besides she did this already. SG, you have to tell him straight up. "I dont like you, you are stalking me, youre obsessed, and if you do not leave me alone I will be forced to put a restraining order on you." But you like the attention, so youre not going to do any of that, because y0ou dont want him to think youre a bad person. Ugh.
seoa Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 OK i did what you all said and I keep quiet. Seoa, none of that is going to work. its vague, and you cant be vague to a stalker. Besides she did this already. Unless I've missed an earlier post, she HASN'T told him to stop calling her /that she doesn't want to date him anymore... She did ask him to call "a bit less often" at one point, but didn't back it up by saying it a 2nd time when he ignored her... All he's guilty of right now is being a bit (ok, a lot) too enthusiastic... And it's worked - she has rewarded his behaviour with her time & attention & phsyical responses... !?!
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