Why is everyone Ratting out their Affair Partners?

[Impudent Oyster]

I think this thread was hijacked from the beginning with "BS" think.

 

I agree with Lakeside's premise that its mean and unnecessary.

 

I think he was asking OPs why they do it, as in, what gives them the right after they entered into the A knowing what was what.

 

He wasn't asking if the BS has a right to know. He was saying that the OP doesn't have the right to make such a unilateral decision for the MPs family.

 

And I agree. That's the MPs decision to make, not the OPs. Ever.

 

There is a former MP here (movingforward, I think) that is deciding not to tell her BS. I don't think this is what LSD was asking about, but I respect her decision to not tell her BS at this point. Sometimes you have to know who you are dealing with before you drop something like this on them. She knows her BS more than anyone else here.

 

And that's the problem I have with OPs snitching. They have no idea the damage they do to the unsuspecting person that they usually only know from hearsay (from a very biased person mostly).

 

Do I think the BS should be told? Of course. And as demonstrated in Sanafa's sitch, its not always the APs that do the snitching. I can support friends snitching, not OPs. OPs tend to tell from such vengeful positions that they hurt far more than they inform.

 

AGREE! I was informed by an "anonymous" person. I have a very good inkling that it was the OW, since I was informed the very day after my H told her that they could never have a relationship and that she should find a single man.

[movingforward]

You must not have gave a rats ass either when you started your affair.

 

But, you still didn't answer her question. Did you ever tell your husband the truth? Not always is staying married the best thing for the children. It depends on the situation. I can see in your situation it was probably the best since you say your marriage and family are better.

 

 

You are absolutely right... at the time I entered my affair I didn't consider anyone else but myself. I was in a fog... I was chasing after something that I thought I needed. I didn't consider my husband, my children, my family, my friends -- everyone that would be irreparably devastated if the affair came to light. I will have to carry the guilt of what I did for the rest of my life.

 

I agree that staying married isn't always the best thing. If I were in a situation where my marriage was so far gone, I wouldn't still be here. I agree that sometimes everyone, including the children, are better off in a situation that isn't tumultuous. But as I said previously, the affair was MY doing. It wasn't that my marriage had broken down.... it was because I had broken down. For too many reasons, I felt I needed to go outside my marriage for what I thought I needed. Through therapy, I now know the reasons I did that and that I didn't have to.

 

No... I haven't told my husband, and I don't think I ever will. Is it a decision I struggle with? Of course. The guilt I carry around every day is sometimes overwhelming. But to burden him and to cause the dissolution of my family over a one time mistake just doesn't make sense to me (or my therapist). My marriage is better. My husband and I are even more connected because I now am aware of my issues and am working on them.

[Athena]

Why is everyone Ratting out their Affair Partners?

 

Because it gives them a feeling of Taking Back Power! They hate feeling powerless... makes them angry, and sad

[LadyDi]

This is a no win topic. I think AP's snitch because they are angry and just react instead of waiting until they're calmer. I personally go with the "honor amoung thieves"....I wouldn't rat. Just my opinion.

[Sanafa]

Do I think the BS should be told? Of course. And as demonstrated in Sanafa's sitch, its not always the APs that do the snitching. I can support friends snitching, not OPs. OPs tend to tell from such vengeful positions that they hurt far more than they inform.

 

You know, I agree if it would have come from one of her friends, doing out of interest for her. I would completely understand that.

 

But this was not the case. They were aggressive ( suggesting both her an I dump him, and of course that I get dumped) and told her aggressively about our playtime, our history and it was like a " if that doesn't bother, how about this!".

 

They went after both her and I with a vengeance ( I can only really guess in order to hurt MM in a backhanded sort of way)

 

I don't know about the BS here, but as I have said before when telling my story - I still cannot for the life of me comprehend the pain that woman endured, all because someone wanted to be spiteful, they put more images and experiences in her head than ANYONE should ever have to endure and I can assure you it wasn't to be helpful.

[donnamaybe]

honor amoung thieves

 

There is no such thing.

[herenow]

HN, You called me a hypocrite, and said that I lied. In what way did I lie?

 

I can see why you would think that boldjack. I agree with what you said, I was referring to those that say I'm a hypocrite. Not you. My post was not clear. So sorry.

[herenow]

Good God, you are a piece of work.

 

Maybe I should explain this again. My A was the biggest mistake of my life. There wasn't a huge problem in the marriage... the problem lied with ME. I had self-esteem issues, abandonment issues, many other issues -- the extent of which I wasn't even aware of until I began therapy. My mistake was going outside my marriage and not turning to my husband. I took the easy way out. Because I am now aware of my issues, I have been able to work on my marriage and it is now stronger. We are learning to communicate better and have much better intimacy.

 

Your question about "what about the kids? no one will answer my question about the kids? what happens to the kids?"...... This is fascinating to me. As the bitter BS you are FIXATED on your anger towards all OWs. Did I put in jeopardy everything I hold dear in my life, including my children by having an affair? Absolutely. But your so called "concern" for my children stops at my infidelity and my poor choice. You don't give a rats ass about how they would be affected by a divorce (the effects of which would be considerable). If you thought for ONE minute about the children involved, you would take into consideration that the complete dissolution of the family unit is not ALWAYS in their best interest.

 

You might enjoy a good discussion, but can you at least try to see both sides of things? It would lend you a bit more credibility if you did.

 

OK, you don't like my opinion and that's no problem. But, just because I disagree with you, doesn't make me bitter. But, if it makes you feel better to pull out that old "bitter BW" stuff, go for it.

 

To be clear, if you read my posts, I am asking: If you know that the truth will hurt the kids and or the BS, why do it (the affair) in the first place? I think you have answered that. Also, this thread is about telling the BS. You and I don't agree on that. So be it

 

I personally think (that would mean it's my opinion) that keeping an affair (past or present) secret from a person I am married to would be living a lie every day. IMO (not yours) for me to be able to stay married, I need 100% transparency. Anything less would hinder a healthy relationship. Did I say that this is my opinion yet?

 

To get back to the original point of this thread. I get that in many cases the OW tells the BW out of spite. I don't agree with the motive, but I agree with the final outcome of the action. So I guess in a way I agree with both points of view. Basically, IMO, they are telling the BS for the wrong reasons.

[LakesideDream]

I think this thread was hijacked from the beginning with "BS" think.

 

I agree with Lakeside's premise that its mean and unnecessary.

 

I think he was asking OPs why they do it, as in, what gives them the right after they entered into the A knowing what was what.

 

He wasn't asking if the BS has a right to know. He was saying that the OP doesn't have the right to make such a unilateral decision for the MPs family.

 

And I agree. That's the MPs decision to make, not the OPs. Ever.

 

There is a former MP here (movingforward, I think) that is deciding not to tell her BS. I don't think this is what LSD was asking about, but I respect her decision to not tell her BS at this point. Sometimes you have to know who you are dealing with before you drop something like this on them. She knows her BS more than anyone else here.

 

And that's the problem I have with OPs snitching. They have no idea the damage they do to the unsuspecting person that they usually only know from hearsay (from a very biased person mostly).

 

Do I think the BS should be told? Of course. And as demonstrated in Sanafa's sitch, its not always the APs that do the snitching. I can support friends snitching, not OPs. OPs tend to tell from such vengeful positions that they hurt far more than they inform.

 

 

I opened this thread because I observed an increasing tide of "tell the BS" on this board, and others here on LS. As stated this is a sentiment that I do not share.

 

I loved, and was and am ('ya I know) certainly in love with the MW I was involved with an eon ago. It doesen't seem that's likely to change. I can relate to BS's as well, as I was one of those in spades.

 

At no point did the though of telling her husband of her activities with me. I knew pain and chaos would occur. I couldn't do that to someone I loved. I won't do anything that I believe would hurt her.

 

The world isn't perfect. I'm not even close, hell I'm not ever very good. I'm not an emotional assasin though. Sure the BS may find out another way. The WS may decide to confess (how likely is that?). The WS may talk in their sleep, or leave matchbook covers laying around. Or phone/computer data evidence. Stuff happens. I couldn't wouldn't and won't make it happen to someone I love.

 

I can't understand or condone those who do. If AP's were all so high and mighty moral why didn't they do their ratting out the day after their first night of joyous penetration? The answer was it wasn't in their interest. It suddenly becomes in their interest when the affair ends, and they begin feeling the pain and lonliness of seperation and lost love.

 

Not good enough.

[LakesideDream]

Because it gives them a feeling of Taking Back Power! They hate feeling powerless... makes them angry, and sad

 

 

I don't believe that's true in most cases Athena. I believe they fink because they are in searing, blinding agony. They are in deep and profound emotional pain and by gawd they want to share it with any and all regardless of the consequences intentional or not.

 

I also believe, if the AP was more rational, and would only wait a few weeks they wouldn't have the need cause pain. Additionally, a few probably have hopes that when the carnage begins to die down their affair partner will see them as the best choice for a relationship.

 

Selfishness rules the day.

[donnamaybe]

Selfishness rules the day.

 

Oh, the irony!

[LakesideDream]

Oh, the irony!

 

Donna, please 'splain, I don't understand. Am I having a senior moment?

[donnamaybe]

Donna, please 'splain, I don't understand. Am I having a senior moment?

 

Selfishness. As if there isn't any of THAT going on during an affair.

 

As for "telling," if an AP comes to the realization that what they originally thought of as a true love situation is, in actuality, someone's selfish need for constant ego stroking and/or sexual variety, they have every right to be PO'd and want to bring their selfish little world crashing down. In many cases, MM/MW are just that. Selfish users.

[herenow]

Selfishness. As if there isn't any of THAT going on during an affair.

 

As for "telling," if an AP comes to the realization that what they originally thought of as a true love situation is, in actuality, someone's selfish need for constant ego stroking and/or sexual variety, they have every right to be PO'd and want to bring their selfish little world crashing down. In many cases, MM/MW are just that. Selfish users.

 

Good point Donna.

 

It wouldn't be out of character for an OW to tell a BW in an act of revenge.

 

Some ask why be honest when the affair ends? The answer is, because it fits with the actions of the OW all along. If the OW has no care about the BW while f'ing her H, then why should she care if the truth will cause pain? It's a very fitting end to a very selfish situation.

[stillafool]

 

If AP's were all so high and mighty moral why didn't they do their ratting out the day after their first night of joyous penetration? The answer was it wasn't in their interest. It suddenly becomes in their interest when the affair ends, and they begin feeling the pain and lonliness of seperation and lost love.

 

Not good enough.

 

 

This is it in a nutshell.

[stillafool]

Good point Donna.

 

It wouldn't be out of character for an OW to tell a BW in an act of revenge.

 

Some ask why be honest when the affair ends? The answer is, because it fits with the actions of the OW all along. If the OW has no care about the BW while f'ing her H, then why should she care if the truth will cause pain? It's a very fitting end to a very selfish situation.

 

 

Exactly. At first she has no interest at all in the W's feelings (because that's not her problem, he's the one who is married) but after he breaks it off, suddenly the OW wants to tell the W for the W's sake (because she thinks she deserves to know what kind of man she's married to.) Where was all of this honesty that the W deserved when she first started "doing" her H?

[herenow]

Exactly. At first she has no interest at all in the W's feelings (because that's not her problem, he's the one who is married) but after he breaks it off, suddenly the OW wants to tell the W for the W's sake (because she thinks she deserves to know what kind of man she's married to.) Where was all of this honesty that the W deserved when she first started "doing" her H?

 

But, she really doesn't want to tell the wife because it's the right thing to do. She still doesn't care about the BW, she just wants to cause pain because the OW feels pain. Like someone else said in the beginning of the thread. Misery loves company.

 

I do get the OP, and I do agree that the OW is telling the truth for the wrong reason. I'm just glad that the truth is told. Even if the motive is to cause pain, the outcome is that the BS finally gets to know what is going on in their own lives. So, again, I agree and disagree with the OP for different reasons. Does that make sense?

[hopesndreams]

But, she really doesn't want to tell the wife because it's the right thing to do. She still doesn't care about the BW, she just wants to cause pain because the OW feels pain. Like someone else said in the beginning of the thread. Misery loves company.

 

I do get the OP, and I do agree that the OW is telling the truth for the wrong reason. I'm just glad that the truth is told. Even if the motive is to cause pain, the outcome is that the BS finally gets to know what is going on in their own lives. So, again, I agree and disagree with the OP for different reasons. Does that make sense?

 

Makes perfect sense...every post you made did. You owned this thread.

[fooled once]

Wow, what an interesting read.

 

Hereinnow - excellent posts.

 

I do agree with stillafool --- why the sudden concern for the BS AFTER the affair ended?

 

Why the need to 'protect' the poor BS now, after the effect?

 

Where was all the concern for the BS and family at the START of the affair? That is what is hypocritical to me. You (general you) didn't give a rats behind about the wife/husband BEFORE the affair started, why the sudden concern for them after the affair? Is it because the cheaters don't want to be found out? Does it really have anything to do with protecting the innocents?

[grogster]

As I see it, the Full Disclosure group (the Snitchers) believe that full and complete disclosure to the BS is the sole priority regardless of harmful consequences or base motive.For this group, bad outcomes and impurity of motive are of no moment, and given little if any weight. Truthists tend to be former betrayed spouses who take deceit very, very seriously.

 

Arrayed against the Truthists is the Non-Disclosure group (the Anti-Snitchers). This group focuses more on the snitcher's (disqualifying) vengeful motives and the possible harm to innocents that full disclosure may cause. Anti-Snitchers tend to be former OM's or OW. They focus on pragmatism and impure motive as opposed to the truth.

 

The problem is that both groups have strong arguments on their side. Betrayed spouses have a right to know of the affairs, but at what price? When families are annihilated in the name of truth, who wins?

 

On the other hand, without full disclosure isn't the deceit prolonged, and the BS kept oblivious. Why should she /he be kept in the dark any longer than necessary because of speculative harms?

 

This has been an intelligent and civilized discussion of a very difficult topic.

 

Kudos to all.

[fooled once]

As I see it, the Full Disclosure group (the Snitchers) believe that full and complete disclosure to the BS is the sole priority regardless of harmful consequences or base motive.For this group, bad outcomes and impurity of motive are of no moment, and given little if any weight. Truthists tend to be former betrayed spouses who take deceit very, very seriously.

 

Arrayed against the Truthists is the Non-Disclosure group (the Anti-Snitchers). This group focuses more on the snitcher's (disqualifying) vengeful motives and the possible harm to innocents that full disclosure may cause. Anti-Snitchers tend to be former OM's or OW. They focus on pragmatism and impure motive as opposed to the truth.

 

The problem is that both groups have strong arguments on their side. Betrayed spouses have a right to know of the affairs, but at what price? When families are annihilated in the name of truth, who wins?

 

On the other hand, without full disclosure isn't the deceit prolonged, and the BS kept oblivious. Why should she /he be kept in the dark any longer than necessary because of speculative harms?

 

This has been an intelligent and civilized discussion of a very difficult topic.

 

Kudos to all.

 

I am not a betrayed spouse, never have been.

 

I am a person who believes in honesty.

 

I guess the cheaters (anti-snitchers) are really only looking out for themselves since they don't want 'full disclosure.'

 

NOW they are concerned about the spouse and the family. If they REALLY cared about them to begin with, the affair wouldn't have been started to begin with.

 

My H, who was divorced prior to our marriage, just said he wouldn't want to know if I ever cheated on him.

 

Personally, I would want to know. I would want the opportunity to get myself tested for STD's and then decide if the marriage I thought we had was reality or fantasy. I would want to be able to make the decision regarding ME -- I don't want anyone taking that away from me because that isn't fair to ME. I should be able to decide if I want to forgive and rebuild OR bail.

 

I guess there is no black and white answer.... it is just sad that there has to even be a question to begin with ...

[moaningmyrtle]

You know, I agree if it would have come from one of her friends, doing out of interest for her. I would completely understand that.

 

But this was not the case. They were aggressive ( suggesting both her an I dump him, and of course that I get dumped) and told her aggressively about our playtime, our history and it was like a " if that doesn't bother, how about this!".

 

They went after both her and I with a vengeance ( I can only really guess in order to hurt MM in a backhanded sort of way)

 

I don't know about the BS here, but as I have said before when telling my story - I still cannot for the life of me comprehend the pain that woman endured, all because someone wanted to be spiteful, they put more images and experiences in her head than ANYONE should ever have to endure and I can assure you it wasn't to be helpful.

 

Was this person a female? My spidey sense tells me that if she had such animosity to both the OW and the BW - and the MM too! that she may have been a previous OW of your MM.

 

Just speculating.

[whattodonow12]

This is a great discussion, and I am gaining a lot of insight. It is so appreciated. I haven't snitched or told, and I am an OW. But, I think at the end of an affair when the blinders are off and the OW sees the MM for what has really happened.... the disception...everything, then it is possible (in some cases) to realize that maybe he wasn't being truthful to you(you get hit like a ton of bricks). ... I am in the midst of this now... just trying to figure out how I got in this position and deal with the pain. You just aren't snowed anymore, for lack of a better word. I don't know. I am so confused that I should probably just shut up and read. LOL (not comment) But, I do think that there are decent people that get caught up and make bad choices But, I don't feel too decent right now. I don't know what to think.

[LakesideDream]

I'm both a "BS" and a "OM" (Not married). I was gaslighted for two decades, and didn't find out until D-day. I had an affair, EA/PA/MS with a married woman.

 

In my situation "no tell" was the best option in both situations (I believe) as I have said on this thread, and previously for years on LS.

 

Again, it's no mystery to me. Causing pain is a huge responsibility.

 

An unexpected result of this thread has been the surfacing of a secondary question with merit...

 

IF the OM/OW is rightous enough to want to tell after they've been shoved under the bus... Why were they not rightous enough to "rat" out their affair parter immediately, short minimizing the damage they share responsibility for ?

[moaningmyrtle]

As I see it, the Full Disclosure group (the Snitchers) believe that full and complete disclosure to the BS is the sole priority regardless of harmful consequences or base motive.For this group, bad outcomes and impurity of motive are of no moment, and given little if any weight. Truthists tend to be former betrayed spouses who take deceit very, very seriously.

 

Arrayed against the Truthists is the Non-Disclosure group (the Anti-Snitchers). This group focuses more on the snitcher's (disqualifying) vengeful motives and the possible harm to innocents that full disclosure may cause. Anti-Snitchers tend to be former OM's or OW. They focus on pragmatism and impure motive as opposed to the truth.

 

The problem is that both groups have strong arguments on their side. Betrayed spouses have a right to know of the affairs, but at what price? When families are annihilated in the name of truth, who wins?

 

On the other hand, without full disclosure isn't the deceit prolonged, and the BS kept oblivious. Why should she /he be kept in the dark any longer than necessary because of speculative harms?

 

This has been an intelligent and civilized discussion of a very difficult topic.

 

Kudos to all.

 

A very good analysis. It really illustrates the "great divide" and the camps that BSs and OW/M tend to fall into.

 

It is very reminiscent of the similar unsolvable question being:

 

"What is the responsibility of the OW/M to the BS?"

 

The 2 arguments in a nutshell are:

 

- "no responsibility because it is the MP who has made the vows/commitment", and

 

- "a high level of responsibility because it is morally wrong to participate in the betrayal of an innocent BS."

 

Nearly every thread that gets started on this topic or strays into argument on this topic seems to get closed down.