Why is everyone Ratting out their Affair Partners?

[LakesideDream]

In most circumstances I cannot understand this tactic. It seems selfish and downright mean. By disclosing the affair you damage your affair partner for sure, but.. and a huge but, you run the risk of devistation to an innocent spouse and possibly to totally innocent children.

 

What do affair finks hope to accomplish? You wern't forced into affairs with MM/MW. Nobody twisted your arms. In the vast majority of situations you agreed to the affair.

 

I don't care about either participants feelings. Both people in the affair need to be responsible both to each other, and for their actions. What did the innocent spouse and family do to deserve your anger? Why isn't it the responsibility of your affair partner to tell their spouses?

 

My heart goes out to those innocent families ruined by angry affair partners who lash out in this manner.

[Trialbyfire]

When I was cheated on by the ex-H, I could have used a ratting ex-OW, badly!! Information is power and also, the sooner you know, the less you invest and the less time, energy, and emotion you waste, on a cheater.

 

Basically, I don't particularly care what motivates the OW/OMs to tell. I think the betrayed partner deserves to find out.

[carhill]

Although not 'ratting out', since the BH knew already to some degree, I shared the depth that I did because I was angry about the MW lying about details and situations to her H. I was young, impetuous, a lot more confrontational, and not nearly as savvy as I am now about how smoothly women manipulate men. I would not follow that path again.

[herenow]

In most circumstances I cannot understand this tactic. It seems selfish and downright mean. By disclosing the affair you damage your affair partner for sure, but.. and a huge but, you run the risk of devistation to an innocent spouse and possibly to totally innocent children.

 

What do affair finks hope to accomplish? You weren't forced into affairs with MM/MW. Nobody twisted your arms. In the vast majority of situations you agreed to the affair.

 

I don't care about either participants feelings. Both people in the affair need to be responsible both to each other, and for their actions. What did the innocent spouse and family do to deserve your anger? Why isn't it the responsibility of your affair partner to tell their spouses?

 

My heart goes out to those innocent families ruined by angry affair partners who lash out in this manner.

 

Why is it OK for a BW or BH to be living part of a lie that they know nothing about? Shouldn't they have the chance to make their own choices about how to live their lives? The devistation is cause by the affair and the lying, not the truth.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

My heart goes out to those innocent families ruined by angry affair partners who lash out in this manner.

 

My guess is that it is the affair that ruins the innocents in the family (WS excluded, ofcourse) more than it is the ratting.

 

Its not an emotionally stable relationship. It might well start out as fun and games, OP knowing that their AP is married, then they realize that they are being manipulated and want to hurt the BS (who is usually villianized) as well as the MP. If I can't have you, I'll make sure you are miserable. I'm not sure why honor would be expected from anyone who chooses a dishonorable way of life.

[tami-chan]

Why is it OK for a BW or BH to be living part of a lie that they know nothing about? Shouldn't they have the chance to make their own choices about how to live their lives? The devistation is cause by the affair and the lying, not the truth.

 

I don't think the thread is about whether it is ok or not ok for the betrayed partner to be left in the dark.....i think it is about the motivation of why AP even disclose it after not getting what they want from the affair EVEN though there is that implicit agreement to keep the relationship under wraps....

 

Misery loves company, that's all I can say.....vindictiveness and manipulation comes to mind.....

[Sanafa]

I am probably not a good one to answer this, as we where literally blown to pieces by one of my "so called" friends. They not only told W, they told her things that had nothing to do with our A that they had learned in by accessing my computer ( long stupid story)

 

Regardless, their reasoning to me was " tough love"..... that neither of us deserved what he was doing. They failed to see the 2 daughters, and the scale of the pain they caused his W.

 

I guess, it is one thing to tell with kindness, it is another to stick it to all parties and continue ( for almost a month) to dig the knife deeper.

 

As for those OP who tell, I have always been curious. Does it EVER work in thier favor??

 

I once said to MM two things

 

One, I am not stupid and I knew that it would not benefit me in any way shape or form and

 

Two, I truly wanted him to have the time to make the decision without ultimatums or threats.

 

If I would have gotten to the point of an ultimatum ( between Me and Her) I simply would have walked away. I knew what I was involved in, and I wasn't being held captive.

 

But while your asking

 

Is there or does anyone know of a successful OP that told the BP and actually ended up getting the person they professed to want????

 

Just curious, I don't ever recall hearing of one.

[GorillaTheater]

Some people are snitches, either by inclination, base motives, or otherwise. And thank God for that, because there are alot of situations in many different arenas where the truth would never see the light of day if it wasn't for our snitches.

[herenow]

I don't think the thread is about whether it is ok or not ok for the betrayed partner to be left in the dark.....i think it is about the motivation of why AP even disclose it after not getting what they want from the affair EVEN though there is that implicit agreement to keep the relationship under wraps....

 

Misery loves company, that's all I can say.....vindictiveness and manipulation comes to mind.....

 

OK, I get that. But, from my POV, all I care about is that the BS gets the truth. I really don't care how or who they get it from. They should at least have the truth so they can make their own choice about their own lives. Just because a cheating spouse wants to stay married doesn't mean the BS will agree.

[Lizzie60]

I soooooo agree with you LSD...

 

I find 'rats' soooo low ... why was it OK when they were having the affair.. then when they're either thrown under the bus.. or dumped.. then it is all OK to tell the BS... they are 'scum bags' IMO to ruin a family.. especially to hurt the children..

 

They are the lowest of the low..

 

I totally agree..

[herenow]

I soooooo agree with you LSD...

 

I find 'rats' soooo low ... why was it OK when they were having the affair.. then when they're either thrown under the bus.. or dumped.. then it is all OK to tell the BS... they are 'scum bags' IMO to ruin a family.. especially to hurt the children..

 

They are the lowest of the low..

 

I totally agree..

 

Stunning! Having an affair with a MM behind the BW's back is not a problem, but telling the truth is the lowest of the low. I just can't wrap my head around that logic. It seems to me it's the very same person that does both.

[bentnotbroken]

Rat away. I didn't give a rat's butt who told me, as long as I was told. The innocents were hurt the minute the betrayal happened they just didn't feel it yet.

[herenow]

Rat away. I didn't give a rat's butt who told me, as long as I was told. The innocents were hurt the minute the betrayal happened they just didn't feel it yet.

 

Right. It's just fine to act in a way that will hurt others, but it's not OK to tell the truth. Just because the betray doesn't know, there was no wrong doing.

 

If you are so concerned about hurting the BW and the family why not stop f'ing MM?

 

All this talk about affairs being "therapeutic" and the BW is not hurt because the MM doesn't leave is a one sided opinion to justify affairs. Try asking a BS to see it that theory holds any weight.

[fooled once]

I think I am torn on this...

 

I do believe the betrayed spouse has a right to know that the person they love and trust has been unfaithful. They have a right to know that they could have been exposed to STD's. They have a right to know that their spouse felt something was wrong in the marriage and instead of talking to them about it, they chose to have an affair.

 

I personally do NOT understand why people choose to have an affair vs getting a divorce.

 

Then again, I think if a betrayed spouse is ONLY told because the dumped OW/OM is being vengeful..... or if that OW/OM hopes that by telling the betrayed spouse that the OW/OM would "get" the cheater .... I think that is wrong and hurtful.

 

I don't know .... I am really torn on this....

[herenow]

In most circumstances I cannot understand this tactic. It seems selfish and downright mean. By disclosing the affair you damage your affair partner for sure, but.. and a huge but, you run the risk of devistation to an innocent spouse and possibly to totally innocent children.

 

What do affair finks hope to accomplish? You wern't forced into affairs with MM/MW. Nobody twisted your arms. In the vast majority of situations you agreed to the affair.

 

I don't care about either participants feelings. Both people in the affair need to be responsible both to each other, and for their actions. What did the innocent spouse and family do to deserve your anger? Why isn't it the responsibility of your affair partner to tell their spouses?

 

My heart goes out to those innocent families ruined by angry affair partners who lash out in this manner.

 

Back to my original question. Why do you think it's OK to keep the lie from the BS? No matter what the intentions of the "fink", don't you think the BS should know the truth for their own self-preservation? Do you think the best thing for the BS is to be lied to forever without getting the chance to decide if they want to stay married to a cheater?

 

If the truth would cause devistation, then isn't that the fault of the people who created the truth itself?

[SoAddicted]

After reading quite a few posts on here I think a lot of it has to do with the A ending. The OW/OM feels betrayed and/or hurt and feels that the MM/MW goes back to their life business as usual while they are left to pick up the pieces. So basically they tell or want to tell b/c they want the MM/MW to be hurting as much as they are.

[tami-chan]

Let's for a moment take out the BSs from this question....is that possible? the world does not revolve around you guys, you know...(it revolves around me...LOL..ok, just kidding!)...

 

In most affairs, there is a tacit agreement to be under the radar, until agreed upon by the parties to come out in public. So APs are bound by that agreement....actions contrary to that is a betrayal.

 

Ok, now we can bring the BSs in....how is it that you are willing to "benefit" from a betrayal? Why is that ok? You cry foul when you were betrayed, but ok for the AP to betray the other because you benefit from it?

 

Ah...that's right...hypocrisy...morals schomorals...it only works when it furthers your agenda or you are at the receiving end benefiting from it ....sheesh...

[herenow]

Let's for a moment take out the BSs from this question....is that possible? the world does not revolve around you guys, you know...(it revolves around me...LOL..ok, just kidding!)...

 

In most affairs, there is a tacit agreement to be under the radar, until agreed upon by the parties to come out in public. So APs are bound by that agreement....actions contrary to that is a betrayal.

 

Ok, now we can bring the BSs in....how is it that you are willing to "benefit" from a betrayal? Why is that ok? You cry foul when you were betrayed, but ok for the AP to betray the other because you benefit from it?

 

Ah...that's right...hypocrisy...morals schomorals...it only works when it furthers your agenda or you are at the receiving end benefiting from it ....sheesh...

 

How is telling the truth or wanting the truth hypocritical? It would be hypocritical if I wanted the truth, but kept it from others involved. And who ever said that the BS "benefits" from a betrayal?

 

What if I said to my H, I know about the OW, but don't tell her I know? I don't want her to be part of it. I don't care if she wonders what happened, it's not my problem. Just never call her again and don't give her any explanation. Would that be OK with you? Because that would have been really easy on both of us.

[movingforward]

I am married with children and so was my AP.

 

I cheated because of a lot of baggage from my past, low self esteem and a whole host of other things. I went outside my marriage instead of going to my husband, mainly because I was unaware of how screwed up I was until months of therapy. My husband didn't do anything wrong.

 

I realized my huge mistake and am working on myself and my marriage to make it better. I am 100% committed and now realize the reasons why I did what I did (and that I know it will never happen again).

 

My therapist is adamant that I do not tell my husband - it would alleviate MY guilt but would tear him to shreds. He would be devastated and crushed.

 

If I told him, my marriage would end, my kids would be forever altered and everyone in my life would be damaged. You may say that my husband has the "right" to know and make his own choice, but I guarantee you that he would prefer that I never told him under these circumstances. If the situation had been reversed, I would pray he would never tell me.

[herenow]

I am married with children and so was my AP.

 

I cheated because of a lot of baggage from my past, low self esteem and a whole host of other things. I went outside my marriage instead of going to my husband, mainly because I was unaware of how screwed up I was until months of therapy. My husband didn't do anything wrong.

 

I realized my huge mistake and am working on myself and my marriage to make it better. I am 100% committed and now realize the reasons why I did what I did (and that I know it will never happen again).

 

My therapist is adamant that I do not tell my husband - it would alleviate MY guilt but would tear him to shreds. He would be devastated and crushed.

 

If I told him, my marriage would end, my kids would be forever altered and everyone in my life would be damaged. You may say that my husband has the "right" to know and make his own choice, but I guarantee you that he would prefer that I never told him under these circumstances. If the situation had been reversed, I would pray he would never tell me.

 

If you know that your H would leave you, then how can you say he wouldn't want to know? Our MC said that without complete honesty there can never be a healthy marriage. Glad I didn't go to yours.

[tami-chan]

How is telling the truth or wanting the truth hypocritical? It would be hypocritical if I wanted the truth, but kept it from others involved. And who ever said that the BS "benefits" from a betrayal?

 

Are you not one of the proponents of the AP going to the BS and telling the truth? that is like saying...in the name of truth (which the BS will apparently, benefit from) betray your partner and tell on him....

 

Why is that hypocritical...think about it...a BS who is a "victim" of a betrayal is asking another person to betray another....in the name of truth...

 

What if I said to my H, I know about the OW, but don't tell her I know? I don't want her to be part of it. I don't care if she wonders what happened, it's not my problem. Just never call her again and don't give her any explanation. Would that be OK with you? Because that would have been really easy on both of us.

 

If you can control your H that way....more power to you. If your H does not have the "b@lls" to end the affair himself...well...it is his choice (or I guess, in this case YOUR choice ). Would that be ok with me? Sure. You have no responsibility to the OW, none...and really, you should close ranks and do what is necessary to keep your H to yourself.

[jj33]

Totally agree with you Lakeside. The posters who have considered telling or have told have done so for their own selfish reasons. Its right up there with agreeing to talk to a BS and telling them far more than they ever wanted to know in a way that is designed to hurt them.

 

There may be situations in which ratting someone out it is warranted, as for instance if the AP has a child with the MM but I havent seen any where that was the motivating factor.

 

To the extent that APs are complicit, I think there is an unspoken agreement that you dont rat the other one out. If you spouse does it after D day (contacts the other one's spouse) thats one thing, but to do it yourself, thats not right.

[LakesideDream]

I don't think the thread is about whether it is ok or not ok for the betrayed partner to be left in the dark.....i think it is about the motivation of why AP even disclose it after not getting what they want from the affair EVEN though there is that implicit agreement to keep the relationship under wraps....

 

Misery loves company, that's all I can say.....vindictiveness and manipulation comes to mind.....

 

 

Exactly Tami. What I am having trouble understanding is the motivation. Is it just "all about me"? The BS and presumably children are innocent. I for one could not do what I promised not to in the beginning.

 

The responsibility for the BS and Children is something I could not take on my shoulders.

[movingforward]

If you know that your H would leave you, then how can you say he wouldn't want to know? Our MC said that without complete honesty there can never be a healthy marriage. Glad I didn't go to yours.

 

Right back at you... I'm damn glad I didn't go to your therapist.

 

Listen... life isn't black and white. You can be adamant that in EVERY situation YOUR insistence that the BS ALWAYS know the truth is correct. It might have been the right decision for you, but this isn't a one size fits all kind of situation -- for anybody.

 

You don't know my situation, and you can't possibly understand the nuances of it all from one post on a message board. There ARE situations where not telling is better.

[Devil Inside]

My xOW was married when our A started. She divorced halfway through. We always told each other that we would never rat the other one out. I have not...she has not.

 

I know that many will say I owe her ex husband the truth...why? I did not have a relationship with him...I had one with her. I am not going to break my word to her.

 

I also know that many will feel that this is showing loyalty to my xOW. I do have a certain loyalty to her, we don't have a relationship, but I would not do something that would to pain for her now, like she hasn't with me.