Separated and lost

[Logik]

Ok, I've read countless threads on how you can't cope with the separation from your partner. I know exactly how you feel because I'm going through the same thing. Just reading these forums makes you feel a bit better, just in the knowledge that you are not alone. You read the ones that were posted long ago and then try to follow up on what happened in their situation and hoping that a reconciliation was made and they are happy and content. But too many times, dare I say almost all of the times, it's game over - no continues.

 

Now you've searched and searched for answers to get your ex to take you back. You totally believe the people saying, "Pay me money and I will send you a system that will get your ex back. 89% success rate!" You post on forums like this one and get one of three lines of advice.

1. Don't give up. The love was there and can be rekindled. It's just hidden underneath all of the bad things that happened. Have patience, work on yourself and keep trying and they will come back. - You really like these ones!

2. They're gone for good. Get over it and move on with your life. You don't wanna be with someone who doesn't want to be with you. - You really hate these ones.

3. How can you call yourself a human being? What are you doing to yourself? This person obviously doesn't have a heart, so do anything bad back to them so you can get revenge. - You might agree with this one a bit because of your anger.

Now, 1 and 2 are the ones that do hold some merit, but 3 is ridiculous but in the end they're all pieces of advice that won't make you feel any better. You might feel better for a couple of hours, but then the feeling comes back. "Woe is me".

 

Now, your marriage was different to all the people that post here, wasn't it? Your love was deeper and real. Your situation will be different. Here's some news. It won't. If you're separated, you probably will be divorced. Not easy to hear isn't it? But if you get to understand what is actually happening in your head, it might make things a little easier. I did this and it made me feel better about myself, whatever situation I'm in. Just this morning I was in a really bad way and feeling sorry for myself hoping that my wife would phone and ask me to come home, but she's not going to.

 

Everyone who goes through what you and I are going through have the same emotions running around their heads with the same thoughts and dreams and hopes and regrets. Your spouse who has left you has the same feelings that other spouses that have left feel, so we are all essentially the same. That's why they can have a science of psychology, because we all think in the same patterns. Why is this? Because as humans we are physical beings. Yes there is a spiritual aspect, but that has nothing to do with the situation we are in at the moment.

 

Emotions are a product of chemicals and electrical brain impulses that release certain hormones to make us feel a certain way. In other words, they are a result of a physical occurrence. They were brought on by stimuli via our 5 senses. Pretty easy to understand and pretty logical too.

 

When we fall in love with someone, we recognize something that the person has that we need or are lacking. They make us feel good because hormones are released, our missing needs are being filled, and this makes us feel "love". For the person who leaves, when these needs weren't being met any more because of a situational change or growth, they don't get the hormone release and feel that they don't "love" the person any more, so they don't "need" the other person in their lives and they separate themselves from them. The other person, who was still getting what they needed, cannot cope because they crave that need that was so comforting, but it is now missing. The feel good hormone is missing. The brain isn't getting what it needs any more so it gets desperate. It releases hormones that make you crave what is now missing and makes you feel that it was the only source of what it needed. It makes you want to fight to get it back. That why you do the wrong things that push your spouse even further away.

 

This is also why people say that it's best to work on yourself, so you make sure that you are able to fill that need on your own and don't need someone else to do it for you. You will never fulfill every need on your own, that why there are other people around us and why relationships form. Out of certain needs.

 

All I'm trying to say is that what you're going through in your head at the moment is all about chemicals, hormones and electrical impulses. That's all it is, because that's how we function. Don't just think that it's a cold and logical way to look at it and "I'm not a robot - I have these feelings for real". Please think about it. The fact of the matter is - that's all it is. Your brain translates these stimuli into a feeling inside of you. A feeling of rejection and self pity. Why do you think we all react exactly the same?

 

Now I'm not telling you to become a robot and not have any emotions, I'm saying that when you are in pain like you are at the moment, why not try and see it like this? For what it really is. It can help you get past the pain quicker. Once you feel that you can move on with your life, then let the good feelings overwhelm you again, don't let the bad ones bring you down now. It's not about YOU. It's about stimuli, impulses, chemicals, hormones and all these things being processed by some grey matter.

 

By doing this you also have a tool to look at exactly why you do things that are undesirable. It's all about your physical brain interacting with your 5 senses and how your brain processes information and by realizing this, we can see how we have an effect on other people, because they can only understand what you show them and their brain will only process information you give them. Your appearance, your reactions, your outlook, your facial expressions etc.

 

Just try and see it like this. Even if it's for 10 minutes. If you don't feel a bit better then forget you ever read this post. I'm not claiming that I have the "cure", just a tool for your coping toolbox. Use it, don't use it. It's helping me.

 

(If you're a brain scientist, please don't try and correct me on small details I may have a bit wrong - the fact of the matter is - it'll all about the brain and stuff inside it)

[Phedre]

So, I am currently having withdrawls, not from losing the love of my life, but because my brain lost its outside signal to release 'feel good' hormones? Man I need to condition myself to release needed hormones when I see my pillow, my pillow is always there all comfy and supportive

[Logik]

I'm not trying to tell you that what you're feeling isn't real. I'm not trying to tell you that your love wasn't there, I'm just trying to give you something to help you when you're really feeling terrible. I know that a grieving process is needed, but I do know the severity of the pain and this helps me when I have nowhere else to turn because I'm so down and nothing seems to help. Sorry if you got the wrong impression from my post. Maybe I could've worded it a bit better.

[ryepatch]

interesting post. depressing. you said #1 holds some merit, but didn't discuss it too much.

 

also, how does a spouse's mental illness fit into what you're saying?

 

my problem is that my wife and i built a philosophy of life together, and now she's seemingly rejected that. and how would i ever trust anyone again? i married her because she's the most trustworthy person i've ever met.

 

what i want is to be with the same person from when i was 21 years old. i can't deal with meeting someone new in my mid thirties and having to catch them up on all that time and having the ghost of my wife in every single story i tell from a whole decade of my life.

 

i don't know how to restart philosophically.

 

i would appreciate your insights on my questions here, and take a look at my thread if you feel like it. and what's your personal situation?

[Logik]

Hey ryepatch, I was a bit skeptical about putting this thread up because I thought people might take it the wrong way, but I can see that you can understand what I was trying to say.

 

When I said that number 1 had merit, I meant it. It is my favourite one. It's what I am doing in my situation. Let me give you my story. I'll keep it short and if you want me to give more detail about anything in particular, I will...

 

My story starts in 1995. Yes, that far back! I met my first girlfriend then. She broke up with me in 2001 and I was devastated! Did all the wrong things, begged and pleaded etc. She didn't love me the same any more. I was like a brother to her, blah, blah...

 

I eventually accepted it and moved on. A year later, I met my wife. took it slow at first, but fell head over heels. This is when I find out that my ex girlfriend wants me back, but desperately. She was in a state. She couldn't live with the "mistake" she had made a year before. She realised that she did love me and now, it was too late for her.

 

Fast forward to the present. 3 months ago my wife tells me the exact same thing my ex girlfriend told me. Same words, same attitude, same actions. Only this time there's a marriage, 2 kids and a house. I can deal with it a lot easier than last time because of what I had learnt, but it's still painful. So I always try to make things easier by applying logic to the situation and maybe make a few analogies to help me understand what's going inside of me.

 

Now my situation could end up the same as last time and my wife could phone me in a year's time and say that she made a mistake, but it might not. All I can do now is accept what has happened and move on. Only then does the healing begin. I learnt this the hard way 8 years ago. So I guess I had a head start this time.

 

The thing I realised is that you cannot tell anyone what to do. You can't force her to do anything. Another thing I realised is that it's not too late to start making changes in your marriage, even if you're separated. Start living the changes that you want and change the things you would've if you could go back, even if the other person isn't there. I'm talking about practicing unconditional love. Every time you have contact with her, do it with love. Show her love. Don't tell her. Actions speak louder than words. Be the changes you want. Support her. Show how much you care. Always be consistent. But you need to do this from a distance. Not easy, I know. If your wife has a mental illness, this love you show her could really help her.

 

As for only being with the one person, with the stories from your past and starting new etc. It is difficult to think about now, but you will move on from that. I have plenty stories from the 8 years I was with my ex girlfriend, but when you truly move on from the person, their ghost will not haunt you. They just become a character in the story. And starting new with someone else is exciting. You will be able to do it and you will crave it. Just don't make the same mistakes you made the first time. I obviously did, and history repeats itself.

 

Now I know this reply contradicts itself by saying move on, and show your wife love. It's difficult to keep a balance, but you have to do both of these things at the same time. Move on - for YOU. Show her love - for HER. If you do this, both of your interests are in mind and you can never regret anything when looking back. And remember, unconditional love.

[Logik]

And please, don't see the original post as answer to your problem. Let me give you an analogy...

 

You break your leg. It's broken. You can't take it back. It's done. If you can't accept the fact that your leg is broken, you will walk around in pain for ages and your leg won't heal properly. If you accept that it's broken, you can get a cast and stay off of it until the cast comes off. Then you get one of those moon boots to support your leg while it's healing finishes. Now when you still had a cast you need crutches to help you walk. The original post was just intended to be those crutches. Just to help as things heal.

 

If you don't learn that jumping off the roof for fun may lead to a broken leg, you might end up with yet another broken leg when you jump off the roof again.

 

The leg takes time to heal. So does your heart. It works the same way, we just don't see it physically. So accept, learn and allow time.

[Phedre]

My post is the one that came across wrong! I'm so sorry! I was just being sarcastic and in reality, agreeing with you. And then said the whole 'pillow' comment just to make myself feel better thinking something like really my ex is no more special than this pillow. I'm sorry it all came across wrong!

[Logik]

No worries. I can also be sarcastic most of the time.