samsungxoxo Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Dating or marriage, I heard of guys considering asking the parents' permission, mainly the father. Why? Why can they just ask the woman herself in that moment. Why the need to first go to the parents and then her, like she can't make a decision on her own. Doesn't that mean you are incapcitating her to make a decision like a grown-up does? Besides if she's over age 18, it's embarrassing.... Finally isn't it suppost to be the woman herself introducing her parents who she is gonna date/marry. Lastly what difference does it make anyways? Say if the parents say no to it but the girl said yes or vice-versa... So much importance on a woman being treated like a handicapped person needing protecting and yet with the man there is none of that...:confused::confused: Ridiculous... If a guy suggested I ask for my parents' permission, I would find it weird and reconsider being with him. Afterall it's my choose who I want to be with. My parents' answer doesn't even matter, it's the woman's permission he's suppost to ask not the parents. Doesn't anyone agree with this??
Thaddeus Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 It's been traditional in some cultures to do that. It's got nothing whatsoever to do with treating the woman as if she was handicapped or anything of the sort. It can also go a long way in establishing - or strengthening - the relationship between the guy and his soon-to-be inlaws.
Author samsungxoxo Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 It's been traditional in some cultures to do that. It's got nothing whatsoever to do with treating the woman as if she was handicapped or anything of the sort. It can also go a long way in establishing - or strengthening - the relationship between the guy and his soon-to-be inlaws.Good point but I would prefer one that treats me like an individual being that doesn't have to ask for their permission after a certain age and can make her own decisions.
sally4sara Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 It is a throw back to the days where females were property. A man looking for a wife would have to win favor of a girl's father because she would be her father's property. Somehow, it was twisted to be a "chivalrous" move on the behalf of the groom. To show his intentions were true, he would face her father and make all his promises to the father as though men's promises to each other were worth more than the sweet nothings they vow to women. There are versions of this for women in some cultures. Like having a face off with your future MIL and other female relative when marrying into a traditional Italian family. Or some Asian cultures where a girl will try to make nice with the mother who may doubt that she is worth the money the family spent on the girl to be her son's bride.
carhill Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 My best friend had a running joke where he gave his FIL a pig for the hand of his W in marriage. After they had been married awhile, every time he saw his FIL, he asked for the pig back. FIL's response (paraphrased) "I ate it. Tough luck. Keep her." OP, this is just a tradition in some cultures, much like some cultures will only support marriages with religious stamp of approval (married in a place of worship). I wouldn't expect it to confer the woman as 'property', though that is possible in some cultures. For most couples, the wedding is all about the woman. If you're a man, you'd better get used to it if you want to get married. I didn't mind at all and thought it was fun.
GorillaTheater Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 For most couples, the wedding is all about the woman. If you're a man, you'd better get used to it if you want to get married. I didn't mind at all and thought it was fun. Gospel. I was just along for the ride when it came to my wedding and the planning for it. Which was fine by me. I didn't ask my future FiL for his daughter's hand; it didn't even occur to me. But I'll say this much: if a man has the guts to comes up to me and ask for the hand of one of my daughters, or at least my "blessing, his stock is going to go way up in my book.
sweetjasmine Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 It is a throw back to the days where females were property. A man looking for a wife would have to win favor of a girl's father because she would be her father's property. Yup, that's it. And besides, the bride's family would have had to arrange a dowry and come to an agreement with the groom's family, so it was important for the bride's father to be involved. My SO said he wants to ask my father, but that doesn't really bother me. He knows my family is fairly conservative and traditional (we're Italian ), but I'm fairly certain they'll be caught off guard and really surprised if he does it. It should be interesting.
Stung Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Well, I'm with you, Anne. It might be one thing to ask for a parents' blessing, that's showing respect for the woman's parents, although it still kind of reeks of currying favor and seeking permission, IMO. I was over thirty when I got formally engaged, had been living with my partner for four years and co-parenting his daughter and my goddaughters with him, had lived on my own for many years before that and worked and paid my own bills. I have a good adult relationship with my parents, but I would have thought my partner had gone out of his mind if he went and asked my dad about marrying me before he asked me about it.
mem11363 Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 1. Accidentally get my GF pregnant - we are in the midst of amour and I ask "is it safe?". She says yes. She swears she said "no". Very understandable miscommunication right - I mean yes and no sound so - similar. Especially uttered face to face - maybe 6" apart in a room by yourselves. Right after the rapture she says to me - "why didn't you withdraw?". 2. First conversation with her father - who I had never met - was NOT - me asking for her hand. It was me and my GF - explaining to him that she was - umm - pregnant. Her whole family is very religious Catholic. He was super polite about the whole thing. I had already offered to marry her - but she wanted to wait. 3. Fast forward 18 months. I ask her to marry me. She says yes. We then approach the parents. - I ask her fathers permission - he has grown to like me and says yes - We tell my parents during a visit to their house shortly after. My mother looks at my wife and says. Congratulations - I do want to emphasize I have a "no return" policy. He is now yours. Enjoy. And then she smirked. So with regard to property and protocol I am not exactly sure what this means. My best friend had a running joke where he gave his FIL a pig for the hand of his W in marriage. After they had been married awhile, every time he saw his FIL, he asked for the pig back. FIL's response (paraphrased) "I ate it. Tough luck. Keep her." OP, this is just a tradition in some cultures, much like some cultures will only support marriages with religious stamp of approval (married in a place of worship). I wouldn't expect it to confer the woman as 'property', though that is possible in some cultures. For most couples, the wedding is all about the woman. If you're a man, you'd better get used to it if you want to get married. I didn't mind at all and thought it was fun.
carhill Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 My mother looks at my wife and says. Congratulations - I do want to emphasize I have a "no return" policy. He is now yours. Enjoy. Now that's a mom I could grow to love
Lauriebell82 Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 I personally think it's sweet. My fiance asked my dad's permission the day before he proposed to me and my dad loved it. He said he would have been happy that we got engaged even if he didn't ask, but I think he got extra points for doing so.
laRubiaBonita Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 i think it is a nice jesture. the first word out of my mouth when my husband proposed to me was "yes!", followed by... "did you talk to my parents?" i was raised in the south and it has always been a given to me that my future husband ask my parents. i do not know what the conversation was like between my husband and my parents, but i imagine it was more along the lines of 'i love you daughter, lrb, and i want to ask her to marry me...' not so much asking as just letting my parents know what his intentions were. and my mother has asked some of my ex's what their intentions were.... so it is not far fetched to believe that my parents really do respect my husband for the respect he has given them. i have had friends ask me would i have said yes to my husband if my parents had said they were not in support of our marriage... and honestly, i do not know how i would answer that. i do respect my parents and their opinions, i do not agree with all they say all the time, but i do take their thoughts into consideration- that being said, if my parents felt that my husband was not a suitable spouse for me, i would want to know why and i would take their thoughts into consideration- after all i feel i am a good judge of character.
musicfan876 Posted October 10, 2009 Posted October 10, 2009 My best friend had a running joke where he gave his FIL a pig for the hand of his W in marriage. After they had been married awhile, every time he saw his FIL, he asked for the pig back. FIL's response (paraphrased) "I ate it. Tough luck. Keep her." OP, this is just a tradition in some cultures, much like some cultures will only support marriages with religious stamp of approval (married in a place of worship). I wouldn't expect it to confer the woman as 'property', though that is possible in some cultures. For most couples, the wedding is all about the woman. If you're a man, you'd better get used to it if you want to get married. I didn't mind at all and thought it was fun. Yes us women are princesses. i laugh at how submissive men are. you spend so much money on rings, plan romantic stuff, and get on one knee and make the wedding all about the woman. And us women never have to spend money on you, make you feel special, do something so degrading or submissive or make such a big even all about you. Who is dominant now?
looking4 green grass Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 Yes us women are princesses. i laugh at how submissive men are. you spend so much money on rings, plan romantic stuff, and get on one knee and make the wedding all about the woman. And us women never have to spend money on you, make you feel special, do something so degrading or submissive or make such a big even all about you. Who is dominant now? bwahahahaha......
Angel1111 Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 These traditional aspects of relationships are/were in place because it's more about the respect for a woman, not disrespect. If a woman is to be treasured and valued by a suitor, then he needs to be respectful of her family, and he also needs to know that she is protected. There are a lot of cultures that still adhere to this and it is all about protecting the women in their families and honoring them. This protects the woman from any men out there just wanting someone to sleep with. Look at most women who become prostitutes - most of them either don't have families, or their families have kicked them out, abused them, or something along those lines. And look how they end up. See the difference? I have a friend who met a guy on an internet dating site. He seems like a great guy. He has already asked her if she thought it would be strange if he asked her parents for permission to marry her. I thought this showed so much respect for her even though she's in her 30's. In the beginning, her parents were concerned about his character, etc. When my friend told her bf about her parents' concerns, he immediately arranaged a meeting with them alone so that they could ask him anything they wanted to. This went a long way in making him look like a respectful guy. My friend was upset with her parents but I told her that it was good that her bf know that she is protected by her family. When I was married to an angry guy once, he got really pissed off about something trivial during a family event. A family member of mine told me later that he was just waiting for my h to do something stupid because he was ready to beat the crap out of him. This may sound funny but when a woman has a man in her life who doesn't have good character, her family can protect her - and hopefully protect her before he gets into her life. Women should never underestimate the huge benefits of being protected by family, or by the traditions that keep them shielded from harm.
sally4sara Posted October 18, 2009 Posted October 18, 2009 These traditional aspects of relationships are/were in place because it's more about the respect for a woman, not disrespect. If a woman is to be treasured and valued by a suitor, then he needs to be respectful of her family, and he also needs to know that she is protected. There are a lot of cultures that still adhere to this and it is all about protecting the women in their families and honoring them. This protects the woman from any men out there just wanting someone to sleep with. Look at most women who become prostitutes - most of them either don't have families, or their families have kicked them out, abused them, or something along those lines. And look how they end up. See the difference? I have a friend who met a guy on an internet dating site. He seems like a great guy. He has already asked her if she thought it would be strange if he asked her parents for permission to marry her. I thought this showed so much respect for her even though she's in her 30's. In the beginning, her parents were concerned about his character, etc. When my friend told her bf about her parents' concerns, he immediately arranaged a meeting with them alone so that they could ask him anything they wanted to. This went a long way in making him look like a respectful guy. My friend was upset with her parents but I told her that it was good that her bf know that she is protected by her family. When I was married to an angry guy once, he got really pissed off about something trivial during a family event. A family member of mine told me later that he was just waiting for my h to do something stupid because he was ready to beat the crap out of him. This may sound funny but when a woman has a man in her life who doesn't have good character, her family can protect her - and hopefully protect her before he gets into her life. Women should never underestimate the huge benefits of being protected by family, or by the traditions that keep them shielded from harm. I'm sorry; I'm choking on the implications that a woman might not wish to just get laid and must have a man ask permission from her father and promise to marry her to sleep with her. Quite a few female friends I've had felt lukewarm about the guys they dated till their mother or father expressed a dislike for the fellow. The primary result is the guy in question had a huge increase in perceived value to the girl. In other words, the quickest way to gain an ********* as a family member is to tell your kid you don't like the person they're dating.
Ross PK Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 We don't do that over here in Britain, a woman will ask the guy first or the guy will ask the women first. They will then 'tell' (not ask) their parents the good news. To ask the parents first when you're grown ups just seems weird.
Author samsungxoxo Posted November 2, 2009 Author Posted November 2, 2009 We don't do that over here in Britain, a woman will ask the guy first or the guy will ask the women first. They will then 'tell' (not ask) their parents the good news. To ask the parents first when you're grown ups just seems weird. That makes more sense. After all, it's the grown-up woman who makes the decision of choosing him and whether she will marry him or not. I would feel weird if he had to ask my father's permission first and not talk to me about it first. Let's say guy does ask for the father's/family members' permission and he/they say no while they both want to get marry?? Woman is happy with him but not them, what then?? So woman doesn't get marry base on disapproval??
Ross PK Posted November 2, 2009 Posted November 2, 2009 That makes more sense. After all, it's the grown-up woman who makes the decision of choosing him and whether she will marry him or not. I would feel weird if he had to ask my father's permission first and not talk to me about it first. Let's say guy does ask for the father's/family members' permission and he/they say no while they both want to get marry?? Woman is happy with him but not them, what then?? So woman doesn't get marry base on disapproval?? I'm not sure how it would work in America. But over here if the parents didn't want their adult daughter to marry a particular guy, she would still marry him anyway and her parents would be seen as the ones with the problem. It's very rare that parents over here would be like that though, unless the guy was physically abusive to her (even then they wouldn't tell her what to do, they'd just try and persuade her that it really isn't a good idea), or they're really religous like Muslims or Pakistanis.
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