Overreacting?

[shelle]

Hey all

 

Need some objective perspective here!

 

My boyfriend of two years is currently going through a bit of a tough time (mid life crisis, I think), and says that he needs to go on a holiday overseas for a month by himself to "escape". He keeps reinforcing that he'd prefer that I'd come too, but he knows that's time and financially impossible for me, so that's easy to say.

 

He went overseas by himself last year as well, and he's aware that it was really rough on me. The contact was fairly infrequent (there was always some excuse) and I just felt like I'd been abandoned.

 

I wouldn't have a problem if it was say, two weeks, and the goal was to see a favourite band that was touring for the last time, or he was going for family reasons, or even having a trip away with the boys. But this trip involves going away for a whole month in an effort to "de-stress".

 

Now, I have a BIG problem with this, in that I could never consider taking off to the other side of the world and leaving him for that length of time. Additionally, I feel somewhat excluded in that travel will help him deal with his current emotional state more than I can - surely that's a sign that the relationship isn't what it should be? Finally, I don't understand how we couldn't reach some mutually beneficial compromise that allowed him to "escape" but allowed us to do it together, in a way that met his needs, while being time/financially suitable for me - I just kinda feel as though my feelings are being completely ignored on the issue. Part of the problem also is that we don't live together at the moment and our 'together' time is somewhat limited at present, so this trip is going to impact even further on that (especially since it will deplete his work holiday allowance, stopping shared holidays for another 12 months).

 

So I guess I'm basically after some objective perspective - does your partner regularly take off on these extended solo holidays, and are you OK with it? Is it normal for this to happen in relationships? (This is my first long term relationship, so I have no frame of reference about 'what's normal'). Or is my strong emotion on this quite valid?

 

Hope you can give me some perspective

[Ronni_W]

Hey Shelle.

Wowsie...a LOT of stuff going on in a relatively short post, isn't there?

 

He's actually doing the 'functional' thing by not over-involving you in dealing with his emotional state. That is work for him and his therapist. Similarly, your abandonment issue is work for you and your therapist. You might even want to consider doing some individual therapy while he is away. And you might want to suggest to him that a stress management course could yield longer-term results and be more beneficial to his health than just taking off one month out of every 12.

 

He does, of course, have the absolute right and authority to decide when, how and for how long he does his "stress breaks", and those really have nothing at all to do with you. Possibly you're taking them personally (although, in reality they're not), and that is what is causing your strong negative reaction?

 

That said. It's possible that, when he gets back from his month-long break, you two might benefit from couples' counseling. Kind of just feels like you two aren't communicating as openly and honestly as is possible.

 

Best of luck.

[Carm]

Exactly how well do you know him, in that has he been through any traumatic events in his life that could have caused him post traumatic stress. If that's the case it makes sense that he needs to be on his own and that would explain his need to de-stress.

 

I know this from experience as my bf is a retired army Colonel with countless traumatic events that have lead him to be diagnosed with ptsd. He's need to decompress on a fairly regular basis is something that I still need to get used to. Having said that, he has never had a holiday that did not include me. If we were away and he needed to ground himself again, he'd go out for a long walk.

 

I'm not sure I'd particularly like that either but I guess you'd really have to know exactly why he needs to do this.

 

C

[shelle]

Hey Ronni,

 

I totally take your point regarding counselling. I've been working through my own issues over the course of the relationship and have come a pretty long way (still a bit to go, obviously). I have also suggested that my boyfriend go and see a counsellor to work through whatever he's going through - which he said he would, but never followed up. I try to explain to him that whatever he's trying to "escape" by going on holiday is still going to be here when he gets back until it's resolved, but I guess he'll be ready when he's ready.

 

I also take your point about him doing the functional thing by not involving me in his emotional state...but I *want* to be. I kinda see it as a fundamental thing to be your partner's "safe place" where they can just let it all out.

 

Thanks for your reply..it's given me a lot of food for thought

[shelle]

Hey Carm

 

It's interesting that you mention that, because he himself has partially attributed his current frame of mind stemming to PTSD relating to being beaten up by a gang of thugs one night last year (before he went on his last overseas trip, however). He came out of it ok - just a bit of a bruised jaw - but his outlook on life has changed significantly since it happened...feels unsafe in cities/when approached by groups of young hoodlums etc.

 

Problem I have with this explanation is that if he's aware that this has affected him, why doesn't he go and get counselling to work through it? Taking a holiday for a month isn't going to resolve it