NO CONTACT: Survey!! I know it's...

[ecm]

the right thing to do. It's not for them, but for us. It's not (supposed to be) a game, but a way to heal. I get it. So, I'm on a little over 2 weeks on no contact.

 

SKIP TO THE END (if you want to get right to the survey) I'm sure my story is not too different than anyone else's, I just haven't really vented about it on my own thread. So I'll take the opportunity- even if nobody reads it it

 

• 5 years ago- we meet,we were inseparable from day 1. From the beginning, though, he said things like "I don't want a girlfriend, don't want to be anyone's boyfriend, etc" ( I didn't care b/c we were together every night, so if he had a problem with labels, whatever!)
  
• 3 months in- goes MIA- completely MIA! No text, no phone calls, no retruning either- no explanation. Now, even though I was pretty much already in love, I can handle someone being a man and having the b*lls to break up with me. He didn't. So, I was crushed. (yes, calling him, worrying, etc) We finally talked. We got to "break up" and I was sad, but better than when he went missing.
  
• NO CONTACT. not a peep.
  
• 1 month, 1 week and 1 day go by: Phone call. Can I see you? (Of course, b/c I'm an idiot- and I didn't make him work for it)
  

Fast forward 2 years (so, it was a little over 1 year ago)

• I text him for his birthday. "thank you"
  
• I text him "Do you think enough time has gone by that we can be friends? It's pretty sad that all of this happened, blah, blah, blah..." He says "perhaps" (he's a smart a*s)
  
• He comes over that night, and I TOTALLY planned on just being friends. But, the connection was there and immediately, we start talking again.
  
• We never got serious in the past year, but I know he has commitment issues. So I was chill. Still, we had a few MIA incidents.
  
• About 2 months ago, I said if you aren't in it like I'm in it, I want out. He still kept coming around.
  
• About a month ago, we had some drama (late period, no big deal, but to HIM?! HUGE! )so he ran again. Then, when he finally came out of hiding, I said to him we need to end this if we're going to end this. You can't keep running away.
  
• His excuses 1): I don't love you (which everyone finds hard to believe) 2) well, I can't trust you b/c you got all crazy last time (b/c of the whole car incident-whatever-don't be a pu**y and I won't chase you eover people's lawns LOL)
  
• We end it. Sad, but I can handle it.
  
• Still no period-no big deal ( I actually bought EIGHT TESTS)and told him every time it was negative.
  
• ONE TIME I don't text him back or return his calls (after years of him doing this when he gets spooked) and he flips out! I ask him how does he like it? I let him wait less than 24 hours...he's gone WEEKS with no response.
  
• So, we say some nasty things and hang up the phone.
  
• That night- period- I tell him IMMEDIATELY- even though I COULD have made him suffer like some crazy b*tches would do.
  
• He texts "I am ashamed of my reactions, and I apologize for being an as*hole" I say "thank you. me too". NO CONTACT BEGINS. (9/11)
  

So, here's the survey:

 

1) Have you had a good result with no contact ( they came back)?

1a) if so, has the "change" lasted?

1b) How long did it take?

 

2) Have you had someone go NC forever on you?

 

BONUS QUESTION:

Have you ever told someone you didn't love them when you did??

 

Thanks for your input! I'm not in the "sad every day" stage. I'm more just trying to learn from my mistakes and it helps me to read what other people say/ think/ etc.

[mickleb]

ecm -

 

Haven't got very interesting answers for you (no & no) BUT I did want to just say:

 

YOU'RE FUNNY!

 

Was going to PM you but wasn't able, so have had to announce it to the entire forum!

 

Ta - your posts make me laugh.

[muse08]

wow ECM...what a story. i chose to read it b/c i felt like you really had something to say and you did. wow keeps coming out of my mouth regarding his actions and though i'm female, he sounds a lot like me as far as being withholding of his feelings and it's not good.i can let a guy know when i'm not happy, but when i'm feeling particularly good or mushy even, i find it difficult to fess up on my own.

 

how are your feelings for him at this stage?

 

i was recently 1 WEEK into NC after a 4 month breakup.so basically we were in SC (soft-contact mode) for 4 months.i felt the need to end things b/c he was becoming spiteful and i saw a very manipulative and controlling side of him and it didn't feel healthy.we had a connection and he was caring and sweet and played the role of mr do good/right, but he eventually began expecting to see and hear from me more than the "sane" limit.i guess i was cool at first 'cause i thought it would level out but it didn't. in addition,there was baby mama drama and he didn't really think for himself from what i noticed.his mother and aunt seemed to tell him what to do.----------so he started calling and texting several times a day,everyday of the NC...he had always called and texted over the normal limit to me,even when we were together.on like the 6th day i contacted him b/c (i got weak i guess) i knew he was the only person who could help me asap with my car so i could be off to work.plus i figured he would be more than happy to help b/c it meant being able to see me and i hadn't agreed to see him in about 7days. so since then (about a week ago) we've been in contact. i regret it 75% b/c YES, i broke up with him for a reason...I don't know why my attention span is so short sometimes:eek:. the other part of me was glad to see him.

 

we're still in contact and i'm now in the process of trying to get back to NC (without sounding like a complete idiot of course) because i don't feel like the trust is there.since i broke up with him 4 months ago we had the right to see other people,but if i ask you and you say you're not, (but you really are) then that's a problem.then you call and text me compulsively to get me to talk to you that's also an issue.he blames me for us being as we are right now.i'm confused about my feelings and based on his personality and my previous thread,"he left his cell phone on..." he may not be the ONE for me.i don't like drama.that incident happened once we'd broken up but still...

 

2. never had anyone go NC on me forever...

[anne1]

This is my first experience of no contact so i don't know yet

 

Tell me is no contact also ignoring him if he contacts me

[Lishy]

I am still laughing at the BONUS QUESTION!!! hahhahha

 

Ok I am not getting involved with the survey thing BUT I will tell you that he is a serious commitment phobe and he will never make you happy! I had a guy do the dissappearing thing and its a killer

 

You have to accept him for who he is and when he tells you he does not love you, dont over anyalyse it ... Believe him!

 

Decide if him and his behaviour is what you want and dont even try to change him, people dont change!

[EricaH329]

So, here's the survey:

 

 

1) Have you had a good result with no contact ( they came back)?

1a) if so, has the "change" lasted?

1b) How long did it take?

 

2) Have you had someone go NC forever on you?

 

BONUS QUESTION:

Have you ever told someone you didn't love them when you did??

 

My dear ecm!! It's been 2 weeks and 1 day (I just realized i'm counting) since NC began with my ex and I. I know how you feel.

 

From past experiences though, NC doesn't last forever. At some point, me and my ex's have spoken again. Some i've become friends with, and others not so much.

 

My most recent ex and I have broken up twice. The first time, we went NC and didn't last more than a month. We contacted eachother sporadically, mostly with the other person not responding until a few days later. We ended up getting back together, but... that didn't last.

 

Every situation is different. But, i've learned that NC does put things into perspective.

[ecm]

ecm -

 

Haven't got very interesting answers for you (no & no) BUT I did want to just say:

 

YOU'RE FUNNY!

 

Was going to PM you but wasn't able, so have had to announce it to the entire forum!

 

Ta - your posts make me laugh.

 

Thanks MickleB. What's a girl gotta do to become an "established member"? I wondered why I couldn't PM.

[ecm]

Thanks everyone so far. I'm staying at my sister's tonight b/c I had a power outage, so I don't wanna be rude & sit here and respond all night. I'll respond when I get to work tomorrow

[Beeotch]

So, here's the survey:

 

1) Have you had a good result with no contact ( they came back)?

1a) if so, has the "change" lasted?

1b) How long did it take?

 

2) Have you had someone go NC forever on you?

 

BONUS QUESTION:

Have you ever told someone you didn't love them when you did??

No never told someone I didn't love them when I did...

 

No, never had someone go NC forever.

 

I view good results as me getting over it and the the ex before this we didn't speak at all for a year, he resurfaced with some lengthy email apologizing and explaining what happened ,saying he wanted to talk and could he have my new number etc and it was when my current ex and I broke up coincidentally. Nothing changed....he resurfaced and made false promises as usual and I haven't heard from him since May. But I consider it good because I couldn't care less.

[Serena2009]

 

 

1) Have you had a good result with no contact ( they came back)?

1a) if so, has the "change" lasted?

1b) How long did it take?

 

2) Have you had someone go NC forever on you?

 

BONUS QUESTION:

Have you ever told someone you didn't love them when you did??

 

Answers:

 

1) He came back.

1b) N/A When he came back, he came back in person. I expressed my strong emotions of hurt and pointed out his CP behavior. He took responsibility verbally for his behavior and for sabotaging the relationship.

1b) He came back after 5 weeks of NC.

 

After 5 weeks more of NC, I reached out to him because I had a feeling he was probably ruminating and thinking, "she hates me now" due to my strong reaction to his unexpected visit after the first 5 weeks NC. We've been in some contact over the last two weeks and my speculation was pretty accurate as to why he hadn't made contact round two. As far as lasting change, it's too early in the process to tell. Because I've stepped back through NC and focused on myself and what I want, I won't invest myself in the same way in the relationship unless he can demonstrate that he can provide what I want and need. I'll still care about him and have feelings for him, but I won't be in the relationship in the same way that I was before because it was unhealthy. I really believe the only way to deal with unhealthy relationships is to step away completely, recenter yourself on what you want and need, and then start the relationship anew in a healthy way only if it's possible.

 

Bonus question answer: No

[ecm]

how are your feelings for him at this stage?

muse08: Hard to say. I know I love him, but I think it's different this time. I think it's a combination of finally realizing that this game is not fun and finally LISTENING to the advice I've been getting from others for 5 years and listening to people on here. It's easy to say it's different though, when you are keeping NC. If I saw him, I would melt. If I saw him with another girl, you'd see me on the news. (ok, maybe not on the news, but I'd be flipping out -not in front of him-, flailing all around like a Mr.Potato Head sprinkler)

 

Your guy blames everything on you? After his controlling behavior is what led to the breakup? Sounds scary to me a little. I've never really got into a relationship with anyone like that b/c I'm pretty defiant and would boot them the minute I felt that way. (But get me with a super-hot CP? oh boy, I'm a sucker)

[mickleb]

Thanks MickleB. What's a girl gotta do to become an "established member"? I wondered why I couldn't PM.

 

Oo-arr. I does seem to have something to do with being an established member. I thought you just had to make a certain amount of posts before you got upgraded but you've been posting like fury, so that cannot be.

 

I reckon it must simply be a matter of TIME.

 

I suppose I could read the FAQ I've just noticed above this reply box...

 

Read it. It's is vague but is decided by a combination of no. of posts AND time. (PMing is discouraged! I didn't realise. Oop.)

 

Anyway - there is my very factual response. x

[ecm]

Anne1, Lishy, Erica, Beeotch and Serena- Interesting stuff. It helps make the time go faster... it's like instead of thinking about it and wondering about the ways things might play out, I can read 1) the different ways things HAVE played out for you guys and #2) remember the reasons why I shouldn't care WHAT happens (b/c he is a big do*che bag)

 

Thanks. xo

[Kaya]

Hey ecm.

 

First time post for me. Just wanted to share my story with you, as it seems that we have been going through similar experiences... both suckers

for "super-hot CP's" as you put it..

 

Not doing the survery, but here's my experience.. in more or less the same format as yours..

 

1.5 years ago - We meet, hit it off, "kindered spirits" from the beginning. I heard the same things as you though, in different words, but essentially he told me from the very beginning that he wouldn't commit - I sort of ignored this.

2-3 months in - My friends want to meet him, he bolts. Says he just wasn't "feeling it". I was hurt, but tried to accept it.

1-2 weeks later - Phone call. Tells me he misses me. I, like you, take him back way too easily.

 

He stays for 1.5yrs. We are "perfect" together, basically lives at my house, but, always out of a bag.. one foot in, one foot out..In all this time, I meet his friends once, and he meets some of mine, twice. (I cringe as I type this).

 

About 3 weeks ago - I finally push him into a conversation about the future.

 

2 days later - Packs his one little bag and leaves.

About 1 week ago - He contacts me asking me to do a favour for his work, and says "If I ever needed anything I just have to ask - he will be happy for any reason/excuse to see me or talk to me".

 

5 days ago - I do the work favour and I reply with a lame comment about how I will bear his offer in mind.

 

3 days ago - He replies saying that the comment really stung. But he respects my resolve and that it doesn't mean that he doesn't miss talking to me more than anything.

 

2 days ago - I replied saying I'm sorry about the comment. Better if we have a clean break for awhile. No Contact begins.

 

Anyway, typing this all out makes me feel rather embarrassed. I can't believe that at my age I'm going through this BS.

 

Lessons learned:

- set boundaries from the very beginning

- when a guy gives you signals that he won't commit, believe him. It won't change. No matter how handsome, charming, intelligent he may be.. just GET OUT before it's too late.

 

As they say: The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

And I, like you, shouldn't be worrying about whether I ever hear from him or not.

[almita]

Sometimes you have to let go to find out whether there was anything worth holding on to.

 

I LOVE THIS PHRASE it gives me strength !!!

 

As for the survey : went through 30 days of NC broke it - went through a hell conversation with my ex to hear things like "you got boring and I am happy enjoying my freedom".

 

This was from a guy who always said he wanted me but didn't want to get married (he was married once and his wife left him for someone else).

 

SO TO ALL OF YOU LET GO !! You are all worth being loved and pampered talk to yourself and tell yourself exactly that !!! You would NOT want anyone who doesn't wann be with you !!!!

 

I feel stronger now - still very sad and emotionally a little unstable but there's this tiny sparkle of strength growing inside me.

 

Good luck to all of you

Almita

[ecm]

Sometimes you have to let go to find out whether there was anything worth holding on to.

 

 

Thanks, Almita! I've heard different phrases SIMILAR to that but I really like the way that's worded.

 

All the single ladies, all the single ladies....

Here is my cheesy moment of the day... as I read this phrase, I hear "God Bless the Broken Road" starting from my co-worker's cubicle. Ok, I might be pms-ing, but it was a moment.

[anne1]

I like that advice too....................... let it burn, hold your head up high and tell yourself he was lucky to have you.

 

 

Only problem is his ghost wont go away, he is always with me but I think i said something similar to you ecm,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, if he comes back there must be some commitment or we are back to square one so if he refuses I have my answer.........................walk away and dont look back or i will lose another stone in weight and be a walking skeleton from all the grief of it again.

[BCCA]

So, here's the survey:

 

1) Have you had a good result with no contact ( they came back)?

 

Yes and no. Usually, they may resurface, but not to work things out.

 

1a) if so, has the "change" lasted?

 

No, same problems and circumstances all over, same results - me dumped. Never had anyone come back to work things out, usually just lonely or bored.

 

1b) How long did it take?

 

Months. Sometimes a couple, once 6+, some never come back.

 

2) Have you had someone go NC forever on you?

 

Yup, several girls. I have a girl I dated 5 years I havent heard from in a year, and a bunch of girls I dated for less than that (including one for 1.5 years) and never head from them again. If they find someone else, they arent going to come looking for you unless they really hit a rough patch.

 

BONUS QUESTION:

Have you ever told someone you didn't love them when you did??

 

No. I cant imagine many people do that, unless they are really pissed off.