confused65 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 What do you do when you have one 18 year old child that has hated your boyfriend of 6 years ever since we met. We have a 5 year old together. The boyfriend does not hold back on saying things to her when it comes to the 5 year old, like if she is pestering him, etc., all through these years and now they can't even speak. I am in the middle and i can't take it anymore. I think he should just keep his mouth shut and let me do the talking to my daughter and discipline her as i see fit, but it is never good enough. any suggestions?
Lishy Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I have a suggestion ... Tell your husband that you have 2 children and not 3 and to stop interferring by chastising your daughter! She is 18 and your son is her brother. I do not think it is right that your husband is getting involved where it concerns your daughter. She does not dislike him for no reason I am guessing
Author confused65 Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 it is my boyfriend who she does not like and she has all reason to not like him. She is very outspoken and will not take any crap from him. I think he should be acting as the adult here and picking his fights. He doesn't think i can control her. his parenting is just way different than mine.
Lizzie60 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 For me.. it was simple.. I chose my kiddos.. It took me years to understand that my son had good reason to hate him.. (my 2nd ex) my daughter didn't like him as well.. but she was on her own.. so she could choose not to be around him.. She would not talk against him to me.. Sometimes, children do not have the 'vocabulary' to express their true feelings.. they're not even sure themselves how they feel... It's just NOT normal that a child would hate their step-parent like that.. and 9/10 it's the step-parent's fault.. not the child. It took me 5 years in fact to come to this conclusion.. but I NEVER ever chose or will ever choose a man over my children... no man is worth that!
Lucky_One Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I'm a bit confused on all the pronouns, but I think that your BF doesn't hold back from speaking to your D when she is pestering your son? In that case, your BF is exactly right. 5 year olds ARE irritating to 18 year olds, which is why it is almost impossible (or should be anyway) for an 18 year old to have a child of her own that old. An 18 year old should know better by now not to pester him, even though he probably IS irritating the crap out of her. I don't really know about how to help the situation, because I never would have stayed involved with a man who my child absolutely despised. I can only assume that you all live together, and in that case, your Bf does have a right to be able to discipline your D; he is acting in a parental status to her, and that is what parents do. It sounds more like this is an issue between YOU and him; have you set up joint standards of behavior that you both agree upon as being absolutes for both children (no talking back, basic cleaning of rooms, enforcement of bedtimes/curfews, rules for privacy for all parties, etc)? Are there set, agreed upon punishments and consequences that are age appropriate for both children? Are these consequences carried out equitably and fairly?
Author confused65 Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 actually she is not pestering him, she tries to play with him, and he tells her to stop and she doesn't, until i get on her, so the b/f will shut up. she only does this when the b/f is around. she has all the right to hate him, He came in the house, right after my divorce, and she was being a typical teenager in my eyes with the attitude and would not let me handle the situation, because i wasn't doing it good enough in his eyes. it is just a bad situation overall and i think he should go, but then i am not sure.
Thornton Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 An 18 year old is not a child - she is old enough to know better, and should be respectful towards your bf even if she doesn't like him. You can't force her to like him, but you can force her to behave respectfully. If necessary you could suggest that if she isn't going to be respectful to your partner then she should move out - she's 18 after all. The problem here seems to be that you aren't disciplining your daughter properly - you're allowing her to get away with answering back to your bf, which forces him to take things into his own hands. If you don't want him to discipline her, do the job properly yourself. Although I don't see why he shouldn't be allowed to discipline her, seeing as he is effectively in the role of step-parent. It all comes down to you insisting on respectful behaviour from your daughter regardless of her personal feelings about your bf. At 18 she's old enough to understand that you have to behave politely even if you don't like certain people, otherwise she's going to think she can just be rude to anyone in her life who she dislikes - an attitude which could eventually land her in big trouble.
Lucky_One Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Sorry - you were the one who said she was pestering him. So you are taking your D's side against your BF, insofar as you think that she has every right to hate the man that you love(d) and with whom you have a child?
Author confused65 Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 YOu know, i am taking my daughters side, and i understand she should not be like that. She only acts this way at home, as she is a 4.0 student, very well liked at school and other places, as everyone i talk to just loves her, so i know she knows how to act away from home. and we have no standards with the son we have together, because he over rides everything i do, example: doesn't make him sit at the dinner table to eat, and to avoid any conflict i abide by that, he lets him play a gameboy when we are out to eat, and then he ends up feeding him, and again i abide, to not have any conflict. i it just crazy.
Thornton Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 The D's opinion of the bf is irrelevant here. What is relevant is that her mother has made the decision to be with this man (and had a child with him), so the D must be forced to respect that and behave appropriately. It is the mother's job to enforce this respectful behaviour from the D. If the D genuinely doesn't like the bf, she's old enough to move out, but she does not have the right to interfere in her mother's relationship.
Lucky_One Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Sounds like you and your BF need to talk, and need to set up consistent rules of behavior for both children. Then you need to sit down together with each child on separate occasions, and talk about the expectations and talk about the consequences. PS. A 5 year old with a gameboy when out to eat is a 5 year old who is happy, reasonably quiet, and not bothering everyone else in the restaurant.
fooled once Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 What do you do when you have one 18 year old child that has hated your boyfriend of 6 years ever since we met. We have a 5 year old together. The boyfriend does not hold back on saying things to her when it comes to the 5 year old, like if she is pestering him, etc., all through these years and now they can't even speak. I am in the middle and i can't take it anymore. I think he should just keep his mouth shut and let me do the talking to my daughter and discipline her as i see fit, but it is never good enough. any suggestions? Your boyfriend should NOT be disciplining your 18 year old. Your 18 year old obviously has no respect for your boyfriend. Any idea why? Is he abusive? Has he been abusive? Also, since your 18 year old is an adult (legally) now, your daughter should be moving out/going to school soon. She should also respect your decision regarding your choice in boyfriends. Both need to understand how unfair it is of them to put you in the middle of their bickering. Both should just ignore each other.
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