Isolde Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I find myself attracted to a lot of people that fall under a certain "type." Is there a way to intellectually limit that attraction until I get to know people better? Sometimes it's just so overwhelming, even though I don't actually act on this attraction. I realize attraction isn't rational, but I have a good girlfriend, who generally doesn't become attracted to men until she knows them to some degree. When she's attracted to someone, it's generally for real. I wish I could be like this, but instead I'm boy crazy.
boogieboy Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Its because you have no experience with boys yet. You have to get some under your belt. Once youve dealt with a few, you be so hungry anymore.
Devil Inside Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 You can't change who you are attracted to. You only have control on how you act on those feelings. This is where boundaries come in. So just tell yourself...I am attracted to him...so what...let's spend some time together to see if there is more there that makes this worth investing my time into. As you learn more about yourself you will see patterns in who you are attracted to. You may find that if you are strongly attracted to someone that it may be a red flag for a relationship. Good luck.
carhill Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 OP, I feel your pain. Not only do I deal with that issue, but also the issue of attraction developing out of intimacy, which makes healthy attraction with most women impossible. That two-punch was the scourge of my 20's. Friendzone city. I'm better now but still way slow. Then old age starts creeping in My only advice, so far, is to be your authentic self and send out those signals and pay attention to who returns them. I've had fairly good luck with that when meeting new people. The slow attraction thingie still is problematical. No free lunch.
loveslife Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 This is a really good thread. What's helped me is focusing on improving myself, on moving forward in my career and bettering myself physically, mentally and emotionally. In that way I think it's easier to be attracted to someone but not get immediately lost in it. Also, coming to a better understanding of boundaries is a big one. I'm just starting to explore this. Boundaries with others and with myself. Developing a healthy set of boundaries should help a lot. Yeah, we can't always help who we are attracted to but as you develop a stronger sense of self and values I think you will naturally attract and be attractive to a better class of men. Fingers crossed anyway at least.
stace79 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 If I were you and trying to change that, I'd try to focus on just meeting new friends. Try not to even make a point of meeting people to date or become romantically involved. Then as your friendship grows, you might find you like someone more even though they are not your "type" or you might like someone of your type less if they become annoying in their personality!
Sam Spade Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 You've got to distinguish between controlling the knee-jerk attraction to anything hot (which is what you seem to be talking about) and eventually getting attracted to something that didn't initially attract you that much. I've got no problem with the former, since I don't like most people (and most women ) by default, so no need to restrain attraction at all!, and the latter is also not much of a problem since whatever barriers to attraction I have perceived initially typically turn out to be my own preconcieved notion of how things should be (rather than anything being actually wrong with the other person). So, i guess one way to "control" attraction in this case is take your time and not jump to conclusions. As for the alternative scenario, why resist being attracted to boys instead of bag a couple ?
Author Isolde Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 since whatever barriers to attraction I have perceived initially typically turn out to be my own preconcieved notion of how things should be (rather than anything being actually wrong with the other person). (Emphasis mine) This is exactly the problem I have. I've only been attracted to a couple of people that weren't my usual "type," even though intellectually I feel that "type" isn't the kind of person I'd necessarily be happiest dating. It's a cycle--since I don't get to know a lot of single guys, I'm unable to break past the barrier, of superficial attraction, to find a more real attraction.
Author Isolde Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 My only advice, so far, is to be your authentic self and send out those signals and pay attention to who returns them. I mean, sure, I smile at guys and they sometimes smile back, but that's not really my point.
BlueHarvest Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 OP, I feel your pain. Not only do I deal with that issue, but also the issue of attraction developing out of intimacy, which makes healthy attraction with most women impossible. That two-punch was the scourge of my 20's. Friendzone city. I'm better now but still way slow. Then old age starts creeping in My only advice, so far, is to be your authentic self and send out those signals and pay attention to who returns them. I've had fairly good luck with that when meeting new people. The slow attraction thingie still is problematical. No free lunch. Car, can you go into further detail? I'm not quite getting what your trying to explain here...
carhill Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 I mean, sure, I smile at guys and they sometimes smile back, but that's not really my point. Yes, but what are you thinking and feeling when you're 'smiling'? Car, can you go into further detail? I'm not quite getting what your trying to explain here... Sure, that will be 100.00 per session What in particular do you want me to go into more detail about? I'll try authentic self.....OK, part of controlling attraction is sending out signals (aural, body language, facial and limb expressions, etc) which reflect your intrinsic personality. Since my personality is one of openness and empathy, I project that in my thoughts, caring about what is going on around me, noting carefully people's expressions and body language and showing empathy for those I encounter. It makes me instant 'friends' wherever I go. It has nothing to do with how I look (thank god). For example, have you ever met someone who you instantly felt was a 'good person', even though you didn't yet understand why? Later, when interaction proves that 'feeling', ever wonder why you had that feeling? IMO, it's because they are sending out signals of their authentic self through the methods I outlined above. Their personality is 'open' to you. Substitute any personality type you wish. The methodolgy is the same. When I'm out, I tend to home in on what I perceive are similar or complimentary personalities. I do this a lot when I travel. It's great practice as everyone is a stranger when we meet. I could fill a ton of space with stories but that stuff is boring. Rarely do I sense wrong. There's a problem though. This is a two-way dynamic. The other person has to have similar perception or they won't see the dynamic any differently than just a friendly guy making casual conversation. IOW, if they can't perceive my authentic self as it is projected to them, then no connection at that level is ever made on their side. Imbalance.... IMO, this is one way potentially compatible people miss each other. Anyway, House is coming on and I never miss Hugh Lorrie's projections
boogieboy Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 It's a cycle--since I don't get to know a lot of single guys, I'm unable to break past the barrier, of superficial attraction, to find a more real attraction. Thats OK, cuz at least you recognise it. You realize all you need to do is meet more guys to find the ones that are on your intellectual level.
Author Isolde Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 When I'm out, I tend to home in on what I perceive are similar or complimentary personalities. I do this a lot when I travel. It's great practice as everyone is a stranger when we meet. I could fill a ton of space with stories but that stuff is boring. Rarely do I sense wrong. There's a problem though. This is a two-way dynamic. The other person has to have similar perception or they won't see the dynamic any differently than just a friendly guy making casual conversation. IOW, if they can't perceive my authentic self as it is projected to them, then no connection at that level is ever made on their side. Imbalance.... IMO, this is one way potentially compatible people miss each other. Car, this makes so much sense. I love how instead of giving advice, you often give thoughts. Sometimes that is the more helpful approach, in threads like this.
2sunny Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Yes, but what are you thinking and feeling when you're 'smiling'? Sure, that will be 100.00 per session What in particular do you want me to go into more detail about? I'll try authentic self.....OK, part of controlling attraction is sending out signals (aural, body language, facial and limb expressions, etc) which reflect your intrinsic personality. Since my personality is one of openness and empathy, I project that in my thoughts, caring about what is going on around me, noting carefully people's expressions and body language and showing empathy for those I encounter. It makes me instant 'friends' wherever I go. It has nothing to do with how I look (thank god). For example, have you ever met someone who you instantly felt was a 'good person', even though you didn't yet understand why? Later, when interaction proves that 'feeling', ever wonder why you had that feeling? IMO, it's because they are sending out signals of their authentic self through the methods I outlined above. Their personality is 'open' to you. Substitute any personality type you wish. The methodolgy is the same. When I'm out, I tend to home in on what I perceive are similar or complimentary personalities. I do this a lot when I travel. It's great practice as everyone is a stranger when we meet. I could fill a ton of space with stories but that stuff is boring. Rarely do I sense wrong. There's a problem though. This is a two-way dynamic. The other person has to have similar perception or they won't see the dynamic any differently than just a friendly guy making casual conversation. IOW, if they can't perceive my authentic self as it is projected to them, then no connection at that level is ever made on their side. Imbalance.... IMO, this is one way potentially compatible people miss each other. Anyway, House is coming on and I never miss Hugh Lorrie's projections yep, you just explained my interactions to people in life in explicit detail... glad to know someone else approaches life the same way... but in a way i guess i should feel a bit sorry for you as well... it's painful - at times - to have that much perception and awareness about people and the reality of what's happening around me. once you know - it's hard to turn a blind eye. it's also frustrating too, when i'm standing with other folks and they are clueless to what is really happening.
carhill Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Therapy helped me with that. I cognitively process the emotions and order them now, instead of reacting in a jumble. Everyone experiences the world and life in different ways. There are plenty of times I wished I had my stbx's perspective. Nothing (OK, little) phases her
Author Isolde Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 It's really just that I don't associate attraction with relationships with people, or with people's personalities relative to mine. Sure, I've instantly felt a "spark" with one or two people before, but nothing came of it.
carhill Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 The very few times I've felt what I call 'the third dimension' have all been times when I've been emotionally open and authentic, due to other situations in my life. I'm going through one of those right now, but learned in therapy how to manage it (using cognition to manage the emotions and their expressions) so I don't screw something up or get into what LS'ers call a rebound situation. Your experience might be different, but at least one of those third dimensions for myself has lasted longer than you've been alive (not you, Bob, you're an old fart ), so it speaks something to the effect of the phenomena, at least anecdotally. IMO, you should experiment with projecting different aspects of your personality and see what it brings. Doesn't cost anything
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