conehead Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 My ex broke up with me a month ago. We were strict NC for 2.5 weeks then I called him because I wanted closure. He hoped that we can be friends, but we were strict NC again for another 2 weeks until he broke it (sort of). He just commented a drawing I posted on facebook and asked me a simple question on it. This was Thursday night. It's now Monday morning and I still haven't replied to it nor do I plan to. It makes me feel slightly stronger and in control to just ignore his comment. But at the same time, it makes me also a bit heartbroken...because it's kind of like 'wow, so I guess he's already moved on and can just casually comment on stuff on facebook already.' I guess it's like a double edge sword. What do you all think?
ecm Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I think he doesn't really care about the picture He was using it as an excuse to contact you. Duh!
Author conehead Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 I think he doesn't really care about the picture He was using it as an excuse to contact you. Duh! I don't know that. Sometimes I feel like maybe he commented on it to make himself feel less guilty or something. Or maybe he just wants an ego boost. And I guess it makes me feel worse. I dunno.
northstar1 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 My ex broke up with me a month ago. We were strict NC for 2.5 weeks then I called him because I wanted closure. He hoped that we can be friends, but we were strict NC again for another 2 weeks until he broke it (sort of). He just commented a drawing I posted on facebook and asked me a simple question on it. This was Thursday night. It's now Monday morning and I still haven't replied to it nor do I plan to. It makes me feel slightly stronger and in control to just ignore his comment. But at the same time, it makes me also a bit heartbroken...because it's kind of like 'wow, so I guess he's already moved on and can just casually comment on stuff on facebook already.' I guess it's like a double edge sword. What do you all think? I think you delete him off FB and any other site you can keep in contact through. Casual comment or not, you are not over him and this type of contact is just making you ponder and stay in the past.
t0ri Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 The few times my ex has initiated contact since the breakup, it has made me feel a temporary kind of "high, in control" feeling. It made me feel good to know he thought about me even for a minute, etc; but really, the good feelings of him contacting me never last long and I'm left thinking about him more than before, and I end up feeling sad somehow. Maybe that's his intention? To remind me he exists. Who knows. It's all pointless though, to hear from the ex's and keep our thoughts in the past. I agree with Northstar - Delete him off of facebook. And continue to ignore any attempts of contact.
Hkizzle Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Yeah delete him since you're doing NC. Btw, curious, who invented the no contact concept? Was it someone on these boards or somewhere else?
Nikki Sahagin Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 My ex was contacting me very regularly, every 2-3 days I would say. Sometimes just a casual comment, other times a full blown conversation. I would feel temporarily in control and very high except on the few occassions where I let the conversation get to intimate. We haven't spoken now for about a week and I don't really notice it to much. I just assume either he is trying to avoid speaking with me or that he no longer needs to - that he gets his ego boosts or attention from another source, another girl, a new girl. Either way its easier when we don't speak, and I would never break NC unless he did. I don't find it that difficult to respond, its whether you keep it casual or let it veer into dangerous territory. Also its easier to slowly lose contact than to go NC altogether.
Author conehead Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 I didn't want to delete him from fb because I don't want to appear bitter to him, eventhough ofcourse inside I am hehe. This is only the first time he broke NC and I ignored it, so perhaps after this he will just stop. I don't agree that you should reply though if the ex breaks NC. I think it is best to just ignore it or else it will prevent you from moving on. You also don't want to give the ego boost they are seeking.
northstar1 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I didn't want to delete him from fb because I don't want to appear bitter to him, eventhough ofcourse inside I am hehe. This is only the first time he broke NC and I ignored it, so perhaps after this he will just stop. I don't agree that you should reply though if the ex breaks NC. I think it is best to just ignore it or else it will prevent you from moving on. You also don't want to give the ego boost they are seeking. Conehead, some tough love You are broken up. Who cares if you look bitter to him? You take him off of it for you, so you can move on and forget about him. Delete, ignore, move on.
Author conehead Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 Conehead, some tough love You are broken up. Who cares if you look bitter to him? You take him off of it for you, so you can move on and forget about him. Delete, ignore, move on. The line I put in bold in interesting. I think it's part of moving on. I mean I think the reason I care is because if I appear to look bitter to him, then it lowers my self esteem and thus delays the healing process. It's just like how I don't want to appear desperate or still not over him to him...I mean it doesn't matter because we're broken up...but it matters as part of the healing process.
ecm Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Yeah delete him since you're doing NC. Btw, curious, who invented the no contact concept? Was it someone on these boards or somewhere else? I'm not sure it's something someone actually invented. I think it's what smart people just DO...(and those of us who are not so smart just STRUGGLE to do) My Mom has been telling me this advice for YEARS. I wish I would have listened. She just not didn't call it an actual name. So, maybe the MC term was "coined" on here? maybe not. I've wondered the same thing though.
northstar1 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 The line I put in bold in interesting. I think it's part of moving on. I mean I think the reason I care is because if I appear to look bitter to him, then it lowers my self esteem and thus delays the healing process. It's just like how I don't want to appear desperate or still not over him to him...I mean it doesn't matter because we're broken up...but it matters as part of the healing process. No. Letting him have an impact on your life after you've broken up lowers your self esteem. Worrying about how he will react to you ignoring him will delay your healing. You've got it backwards.
Author conehead Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 I'm not sure it's something someone actually invented. I think it's what smart people just DO...(and those of us who are not so smart just STRUGGLE to do) My Mom has been telling me this advice for YEARS. I wish I would have listened. She just not didn't call it an actual name. So, maybe the MC term was "coined" on here? maybe not. I've wondered the same thing though. Your mom is smart. Did she tell you what to do in cases of facebook contacts and such? I've heard various versions of NC, some are extreme (block, delete etc) while some are more of you want to just not care so you don't block or delete....instead you just leave it alone and ignore.
ecm Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 Your mom is smart. Did she tell you what to do in cases of facebook contacts and such? I've heard various versions of NC, some are extreme (block, delete etc) while some are more of you want to just not care so you don't block or delete....instead you just leave it alone and ignore. Tricky. I think she told me to be the bigger person and not be the one to "delete".BUT, when my ex did it first, I was MAAAAD! (years ago- and we got back together, anyway...then broke up again...) So, my suggestion would be do it first, b/c if they do it first & you flip out you can ruin all the good you've done with NC.
rainbowsandkittens Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 i agree with deleting them off fb. i think anytime you allow yourself to think "why did they do that? what did it mean?" it takes the power away from you. i think the stronger feeling comes from "well, he must miss me to comment on my page. i didn't break nc, he did." i know i would feel that way. but the reality is that having any contact with them takes away our power and keeps us from moving on. because even though you're not responding- you're thinking about it. and thinking about it and thinking about it- right? just my 2 cents.
mimiminx Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 I got dumped 2 months ago.. for almost the entire 2 months he has been contacting me on FB, also phone calls, emails, texts. But the FB.. he comments or "likes" something nearly daily. Yes, he is thinking about me. Has sent me pictures of us, comments on my photos, tries to chat with me, (we have a few times) It's not an ego boost for him to constantly remind me he's "around", well I guess it is in a way, it's also that he's thinking about me which feels good but with no end result.. After 2 months of this, and him still not wanting to reconcile and get back together, I am considering blocking him, just so I can move on. I am struggling with it too... but I realize my life has been an open book to him and I want to stop the passive communication from him. I realize that blocking or deleting will evoke a negative response from him, but he chose to not have access to my life anymore.. he doesn't deserve to know my personal business right now. I thought about deactivating my account for awhile so I could just take a break, thinking about it but it must be done. FB comments, etc. is a connection they are trying to maintain with you.. if that "connection" is not good enough, then "disconnect". I am planning on either blocking him or deactivating my account tomorrow actually.. I think you may want to do the same, or maybe just block him from seeing your wall posts, etc. It's your call, but in my case, the FB got out of control...
Trialbyfire Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 conehead, when exes do this, they're usually looking for "attenshun" from their attention source. They don't like to feel invisible but at the same time, don't want the responsibility of real contact. Delete him from your contacts and make your profile private. What he thinks doesn't really matter anymore. It's over and the sooner you let him go, the sooner you can move on.
rainbowsandkittens Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 mimi- i've been thinking about deactivating my account too but can't bring myself to do it. i just have so much fun with my friends and family. but every day i tell myself to take a break. it's funny, no sooner did i post on here than my ex emailed me. nothing special but still.
ecm Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 why should you delete your entire profile? Do you keep in touch with a lot of people on there? I certainly do, so why should you lose that? Block them. Block them. Block them. And photoshop yourself into a picture (for your default) with the hottest girl/ guy you can find. Or, better...meet the hottest girl/ guy you can find, make out with them, THEN, take a pic with them. F them. Let them get stressed if they see your default pic with another person and they have no way of getting in touch with you.
rainbowsandkittens Posted October 1, 2009 Posted October 1, 2009 well to be honest- for me it's not about him, it's about me. my ex is deleted from my profile and i have my settings so that he really can't see anything on my page. but that being said i can still see his page. and to be totally honest i do look at it. more than i should. even though he's barely been posting anything or doing anything on it since we went nc. i do have a fan page (don't ask, i did it as a joke) and removed him from it the night we broke up and he rejoined it like a day later. i tried removing him again but it didn't work (stupid fb) and i took it as a sign to leave it. i have debated blocking him but one of my friends said not to. i won't leave fb but it's such a time suck sometimes i think i should take a break. i just have no willpower.
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