VictoryisMine Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 After the initial 2-3 month affair, falling in love, tells his wife, he moves out, and stays with his sister (long distance or he'd stay with me). Puts his house up for sale, we both tell our friends, family the news. Two months living with his sister, he decides to go home, wife there of course. He says (understandably so) that he cannot afford to pay the mortgage and get another place to stay... and he has over stayed his welcome at his sister's (understandably so). As he is literately moving back into his house (on the phone) I'm reaming his ass out... as he's desperately trying to convince me it's okay. Assuring me i can still call whenever i want. I can mail whenever whatever i want to his house (been mailing to his sister's). And that he is in fact staying in the spare bedroom. I don't care, i don't like it. He's there about a month, divorce is filed. It's been 2 months now that he has been back at his house. In that time he came by once, stayed three days with me. I try to be upbeat about it all, everything is, going according to plan. But i have this raging jealousy that he is and has been for two months now, and who knows for how much longer.... living there with his wife It bothers me, it hurts me. Yes, the audacity of me. And i remind him of this every now and then. I've been in this mess 7 months, 5 months declaring love. He's done something to piss me off, big time and letting it continue... for two months now. And i can feel it, within me, tired, bored... don't care....anymore... done. And altho everything is/was going according to what he says, i cannot handle him living there with her. I take it as a kick to my stomach. There's a saying i read somewhere, might of even been here on Love Shack.... If You Were to Kiss Me and Then Punch Me, Which Do I Believe?
Lucky_One Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 A few thoughts at random: - If he can't afford to pay a mortgage and find somewhere else to live, what's he going to do post-D? - He barely knew you when he moved out - a really hasty and unwise decision to leave a marriage based on infatuation (possible love, but that amount of time isn't jack**** in knowing whether it's really love or not). - In my state, you have to live "separate and apart" for 12 months before a D can be final. Separate bedrooms doesn't count. - You honestly believe that he is in a different bedroom??? LOLOLOLOL!!!!!
Lucky_One Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 How often did you see each other during these three separate periods: the EMA, the separation, the moving back home?
bentnotbroken Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I truly don't understand the jealous of the ap. What is the thought process when cheating? Is it the "the spouse is so not right for them and I am", or that they will magically change those character traits once they are "all yours"? Sheesh, The low standards that allowed them to treat one human without respect and dignity is still at the core.
2sure Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 If he cannot financially afford to live separately from his wife....and cannot live with you because of distance logistics... All the wishing and love in the world isnt going to change the circumstance of those facts. I'm assuming the two of you had/have some kind of plan in which he and his wife's home would be sold, he would get some cash and then could afford his own place. Maybe. And so very many big IFs. Given he had to stay with relatives...he must be really broke. So, all of this is quite a reach. And then what? He has to change jobs so that he can live with you? Or ...it all just sounds so precarious. With him being back with his wife because he cannot afford to live without her...that would piss anyone off. Hopefully she wants the divorce to go fast and is more prepared than he is...then you will be all set. For what, I dont know.
Author VictoryisMine Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 First 2-3 months everyday. Next four months, 3 times, stayed from 3 days to 10 days
Author VictoryisMine Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 If he cannot financially afford to live separately from his wife....and cannot live with you because of distance logistics... All the wishing and love in the world isnt going to change the circumstance of those facts. I'm assuming the two of you had/have some kind of plan in which he and his wife's home would be sold, he would get some cash and then could afford his own place. Maybe. And so very many big IFs. Given he had to stay with relatives...he must be really broke. So, all of this is quite a reach. And then what? He has to change jobs so that he can live with you? Or ...it all just sounds so precarious. With him being back with his wife because he cannot afford to live without her...that would piss anyone off. Hopefully she wants the divorce to go fast and is more prepared than he is...then you will be all set. For what, I dont know. His wife works and makes about what i made when i was 15 years old, after school. i kinda knew he was going to end up back home, thought i could handle it, i can't.
Author VictoryisMine Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 I truly don't understand the jealous of the ap. What is the thought process when cheating? Is it the "the spouse is so not right for them and I am", or that they will magically change those character traits once they are "all yours"? Sheesh, The low standards that allowed them to treat one human without respect and dignity is still at the core. Bent, it never crossed my mind if i was better for him. I care for his well being and how he feels, wouldn't let him go hungry if i could help it, and wouldn't want him to get hit by a car... but what do i care if I'm better for him?
Lucky_One Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 So, this is how you saw each other during..... Period 1 (EMA #1)) - 2-3 months - every day Period 2 (Separated) - 2 months - twice for a few days at each time Period 3 (EMA #2) - 2 months - once for 3 days The writing's on the wall. He just isn't that into you anymore. When a man loves you and misses you, he makes time for you. Period. He makes even more of an effort if you are unhappy or sad with his behavior towards you.
2sure Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Well, I think I know what bent means...first hand. She might mean these people dont change. They are who they are, they are the way they are...not because of who their partner is, or where they live, or because of any circumstance....they just are who they are. They are people who are comfortable with infidelity, have justified it, have either felt like or allowed themselves to be unhappy victims, are living unhappy lives because they cant handle the responsibilities and stress of the world. Getting a new partner doesnt change them. They are still going to be broke if thats their problem, still be cheaters if thats how they handle aggression, still be unhappy if thats what they have come to be comfy with.
bentnotbroken Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Bent, it never crossed my mind if i was better for him. I care for his well being and how he feels, wouldn't let him go hungry if i could help it, and wouldn't want him to get hit by a car... but what do i care if I'm better for him? My thought is the assumption that he is somehow different than the person who cheated with you. What did he get a magic pill that turned him into someone with morals?
jj33 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 but what do i care if I'm better for him? The decision is his to make (which is better for me staying or leaving) but on some level you must have thought being with you was better for him, otherwise if you really love him, and want what is best for him, which to me is a part of real love, why would you want him to leave? Not that you are better than his wife but that for whatever reason being with you is somehow better for him (as opposed to simply being what would make you happier).
Moanin Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 When a man loves you and misses you, he makes time for you. Period. He makes even more of an effort if you are unhappy or sad with his behavior towards you. In any type of a relationship, this statement is so true and says everything............
jennie-jennie Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I truly don't understand the jealous of the ap. What is the thought process when cheating? Is it the "the spouse is so not right for them and I am", or that they will magically change those character traits once they are "all yours"? Sheesh, The low standards that allowed them to treat one human without respect and dignity is still at the core. The thought process is that I am having a relationship with this man. We are passionately in love with each other. If he has sex with any other woman he is cheating on me. That includes sex with his wife.
jennie-jennie Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Sorry, Victory, that you are hurting. I totally understand you being frustrated that he is living with his wife. Does he have to stay where he is because of his job or why can't he come and live with you?
Carm Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Shame on you .....YOU are jealous that he's gone back to live with his wife? What were you even doing going out with a MM?? I went out with one for less than one month (didn't know he was) BUT as soon as I found out.....He was SO done!! It really gets to me when I hear the OW being pissed about stuff like this...I hope he is sharing the same bedroom with his wife. Geez, give yourself a big shake!
Author VictoryisMine Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 When a man loves you and misses you, he makes time for you. Period. He makes even more of an effort if you are unhappy or sad with his behavior towards you. True,True, So True, i realize this.
movingforward Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Oh man, Victory! This SO would have been my AP if we had let it get that far for him to move out. He would have totally moved back for the same reasons. I think you need to decide if this is worth fighting for. Seriously.
Author VictoryisMine Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 Thanks Jennie But really i'm fine, i been around the block with this shet, tho not recently, lol. You will never believe this in a million years (you really won't) but as i was in bed last night, watching tv, i thought of this woman, on LS, she's been 'struggling' with a MM for 4 years, IF there's some kind of cosmic force out there that chooses one over the other .... I hope 'it' chooses your situation Jennie to come thru... instead of mine, if that's how 'it' works... As for my MM, he wants to sell his house, that he built himself actually, and wants to be there... for now. (yeah yeah for now, lol.) He's asking too much for it, wants that equity money. I lost my entire house in the Hurricane we had, he claims he wants to build me another house with the profit he makes off his house.
Author VictoryisMine Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 jj33... Quote: Why would you want him to leave?... (as opposed to simply being what would make you happier) Unquote. I know your trying to get me to show the narcissist side of me. There is such a thing as healthy narcissism. I want him to leave because i'm in love with him and want him with me. Because yes, having him ... with me... makes me happy. I'd like him to feel the same...
jj33 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 No I wasnt trying you to show the narcissistic side of you? How would that be helpful. I assumed you were being coy when you said why would you care if being with you was better for him. If that were true you already showed the narcissistic side of you. So yes of course you think hell be happier with you. Why would you want someone to leave and be less happy - hed only go back.
jennie-jennie Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Victory, you are sweet, good to hear someone is rooting for me and our relationship!
jennie-jennie Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Victory! We must have been writing to each other at like the same instance! How is that for cosmic force!
Author VictoryisMine Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 It's okay if you were... trying to show the narcissistic side of me... it's all good. I can take it. But i still don't get it, 'better' with me? Never thought better or happier, just happy... with me.
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