trippi1432 Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 SORRY FOR DOUBLE POSTS - FORUM SEEMS TO LOG ME OUT...... Hi Trippi, thanks for your reply. I hope I can be like you and open my eyes and see that my daughter & I still have a future without him. You do hun, you will find that she is your strength and your are hers. Today, my daughter still tells me I am the strongest woman she knows, thing is, I feel the same way about her. Not to say that they won't do things that make you want to rip your hair out...lol. It's all about the love you put in...the unconditional kind, that's what you will get back out.
JaneDoe35 Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Trippi, I know you are right. I am falling apart and I really need to get up for my daughter. She is almost nine now and so wonderful. I am not a functioning parent at the moment. She is with my parents for a couple of days as I just needed to cry here alone. I miss her & love her. Aurora - I know how hard being torn is. No easy options, it is hard to fight on for your marriage and also hard to give up. I myself wish I could give up. Just wish I could hate him.
fooled once Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Well J proposed a 50/50 custody...I figured out why that is not acceptable for me... first off he left us...I didn't have a child to be away from that child during anything more than a night out with a friend or family member...I don't feel that I should miss out on holiday mornings or evenings, playing in the park, recreation classes, parties, any of his boo boos, bath time, playtime... second...J has never "enjoyed" the holidays...I dressed the baby for his first everything 4th of July, Easter, Christmas, etc... third...J does not participate in things for his son, none of the Easter egg hunts, for his two halloween holidays I got his costume and dressed him up and took him out with his cousins and trick or treating...J is supposed to have the baby this halloween and I asked if I could have him and J did not show any interest at all to take him...J has not gone to swimming lessons with us, gymnastics only the last day to day pictures, who knows what he will do for our son in the future fourth...he has threatened to basically dissappear during any of our recent arguments "if things start looking bleak than you know what I will do", "do you really want to know what it is like to be dropped", "I don't care about anything and I don't need it" I am optimistic by nature...I think anyone can be who they want to be and have hope that J will come around...but why should my son have to be submitted to his lack of interest and excitement to do anything...I want to hear him say that he wants his son to do things and even if that is just to cuddle...the baby has now turned from excitement everytime he sees his father to crying and running to me not wanting to leave... Some people on here wish that they had children to have a reason for the ex to keep contact...would you really want your children to have to go thru this? The child comes first no matter what...I want J to know his son but I feel like a mother bear two times over...I don't want to keep J from his son but I don't want to give him my baby either...confusing with caring about J and wanting to make him happy (that is why I filed for divorce because that is the only thing I knew he wanted)... When I divorced 14 years ago, there was no way in HELL I ever would have agreed to 50/50 nor joint. I demanded and was awarded sole custody. I don't believe children should have to go back and forth every week between houses. I think that is the worst thing a parent can do to their child. How would you (general you) like to go back and forth not knowing where your favorite pair of jeans were? Kids need stability. Kids need a home. If your ex isn't interested, that is on him. It is your job to be mom. Your top priority is raising your child. If your ex chooses to not be a parent, that's his choice. you can't make him be a parent. I have seen too many kids these days whose dad's want nothing to do with them, unless they are bored or have no other plans. Heck, look at that guy from Jon and Kate plus 8. He moved from PA to NY; got a bachelor's pad and he has 8 kids! He is too busy being a party boy to be bothered with his kids. His kids will hate him one day for this. All you can do is focus on your child; be the best dang mom you can be and set forth a visitation agreement and get c/s set at the state guidelines. Good luck!
Gunny376 Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 When I got divorced I gave the XHEX ~ Full Custody, (because I was career full-time active duty military fresh back from the First Gulf War) Everything from a twelve year marriage except a wooden clothes hamper, a magazine rack made into a wagon made from an old wooden Coke Cola crate, (both of which I made by hand) and artificial fern and all of the music (all of which I had purchased) and the stereo system that I had bought in Okinawa working a second job at the club system on base) She was seriously PO that I had keep that. I took all the bills from the marriage to include her car payment. She 'back-doored' me on federal and state income taxes, when while separated and I was Saudi Arabia / Kuwait she had sent me "Married Claiming Four" and then on advice from her older sister turned around and filed "Head of Household Claiming Three". The IRS and State disallowed the previous filing, honored hers, (because they received it first) re-figured my as "Single Claiming One" A quarter of my net income when toward CS, another quarter went to "regular taxes" (This was before the Republican Tax Cuts of the Bush's Administration), and another quarter was going toward my personal expenses , bills, (Car Payments, gas, food) and another quarter of my income went toward paying several thousand dollars PLUS interest and penalties in back taxes. Like an idiot I went and got into another six and half years "shack-up". She was a professional and basically I just lived with her. The only thing she asked me to pay was the trash bill. I also gave the XHEX the tax deduction for the children DD10 and DS6 at the time. Why? Because I knew divorce was going to a bitch, and I wanted to shoulder as much on the 'negatives upon me as I could. She was leaving me for BF X 5 or 6 that she had know for less than six or nine months. Eight or nine years younger than she is. I got deployed more in my last four years than I did all the other sixteen put together. Retired and went to college to finish my degree. I didn't know the meaning of the word 'Broke" until I became a full time college student. You find a dollar in your jeans means your having a good day!" Ended up filing bankruptcy, starting over living in a corporate apartment the Lockheed-Martin had had. (Everything is already there. Furniture, towels, pots & pans, plates, dishes, glasses, TV,) all I had to do was move my own personal effects in. Drove junk used cars for years and years. Held together with my limited mechanical knowledge, hope, prayer, some bailing wire, and duct tape. Lived off Ra-men Soup Noodles, Red beans and rice, Chicken and Rice, etc for years. Meanwhile the wife is trading for new cars every two or three years while I'm paying child support and she's getting the big income tax return checks each year while the children are in school. New Pontiac Grand Am New Jeep Grand Cherokee New Ford Explorer New Ford Mustang GT Convertible (Depressed over turning 40) Another New Ford Explorer At 14 my DD told me "My Daddy's done more for me than you have!" From 1979 until 1991 (The years of my marriage) I shelled out over $350,000 to support my wife, my DD, DS, and SD. From 1991 until I paid over $70,000 in child support, (not factoring in the deduction they got for taxes. I've pretty much have "shot my bolt" (as we say in the Marines ~ meaning its over, done and did!) when it comes to women and having a relationship with one. In my thinking I cannot afford to go through another divorce, thus I cannot not afford to go through another marriage, thus its a waste of time, effort, energy and money to even start another relationship. I simply do not have the years left to recover. And I will be damned to Hell if I'm going to spend the five, ten, fifteen or so years of my life going through what I've already been through. And I'm sure as Hell not going to be sitting around the nursing home talking about my first, second, third, fourth ex-wife. "All gave some, but some gave all!" I know I can go to my grave knowing that I gave all I had and had to give for my children. When it comes to Divorce / Separation? There's her truth! His Truth! And God's Truth! And the only one that matters? Is God's version of the truth! (Sidebar ~ POS 'Toyboy" that XHEX married? Not only gave up full custody of his one and only child DS4 that he had sole custody of since birth, and had raised since birth because XHEX couldn't give him the "motherly love he deserved" he gave up his parential rights so he wasn't obligated to pay CS. Which the Alabama Supreme Court just recently ruled that just because you give up your parential rights does not free you of your obligation to pay child support! OooooooFreakingRaaaahhh!)
JaneDoe35 Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Gunny, I enjoy reading the stories of your eventful life. Makes me feel like I need to live a little more!!!! Cause amongst all that disaster you have had some incredible experiences. I can also understand why you will never marry again. Not sure about never having another relationship though. There are most likely women who have gone through hell with marriages and would prefer a friend/lover while keeping separate homes etc. I am almost 35 and I feel that I can never put myself and my daughter in a position to be hurt like this again. I have read that some people on here have gone through this more than once and that makes me feel ill. I do not intend to get married again but that is because I do not intend to get divorced. (I am an idiot in denial).
Gunny376 Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Gunny, I enjoy reading the stories of your eventful life. Makes me feel like I need to live a little more!!!! Cause amongst all that disaster you have had some incredible experiences. I can also understand why you will never marry again. Not sure about never having another relationship though. There are most likely women who have gone through hell with marriages and would prefer a friend/lover while keeping separate homes etc. I am almost 35 and I feel that I can never put myself and my daughter in a position to be hurt like this again. I have read that some people on here have gone through this more than once and that makes me feel ill. I do not intend to get married again but that is because I do not intend to get divorced. (I am an idiot in denial). No! Your awakening! Your becoming aware! Your becoming YOU!
Author Auroracoladybug Posted October 12, 2009 Author Posted October 12, 2009 Gunny you are a pretty awesome! lol Jane thank you so much for your input...still in a fog here as to what to do...
Gunny376 Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Thanks Ladybug! My children don't see the sacrifice that I made for them ~ doesn't matter, I did what I had to do to provide for them the best life I could for them. They don't understand the finance of it. I was the best thing that ever happen to their Step Father. Suck it up and deal with it. He's a Hero and I'm a zero, but I did the right thing! At least one person on this planet understands that I did so ~ and that I did the RIGHT thing by them! And I appreciate that A LOT! Thanks Again!
tojaz Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Thanks Trippi...I do love J and want to give him the opportunity to be a better father than his was...I guess the only real choice I have now is to focus on my son and me...I don't know if J will ever come around or just continue to blame me... Either way, J is the one that is going to suffer the consiquences for his actions. Missing time with his son that he will never get back ranks high among them. TOJAZ
Author Auroracoladybug Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 J text me at 9pm last night "you said you would put rules on me if I moved back in. Out of curiosity what would they be?" This after earlier he said he was dealing with everything like business...he was supposed to pay for his deposit on the new place...I can't sleep and the only thing I could think of is... why???:confused::confused:
tojaz Posted October 13, 2009 Posted October 13, 2009 Sit down and give it some deep thought Ladybug, write them down and then let him know. Sounds like this may be an opportunity! Sending a PM your way. TOJAZ
Author Auroracoladybug Posted October 13, 2009 Author Posted October 13, 2009 So I text J "why"... J:"Because it was a curiosity. But at this point I don't really care. I have enought stresses." me:okay...here to talk if you need to J: maybe later he called me later this morning and basically said he may get kicked out of his current place because he is not helping out enough so he may need a place until Nov 1st. I answered that I did not want him moving back unless he wanted to work on our relationship. That it would not be rules but new boundaries for both of us. I will still be following thru with the divorce no matter what but yes I still love him unconditonally and want him to be a better man, father, and husband.
Author Auroracoladybug Posted October 14, 2009 Author Posted October 14, 2009 I feel like...I can't explain it...I know that J is not doing anything for me and my son and yet I am worried about him...I can't do anything but be there for him to talk to and I know I will always love him and even want to be with him...where does that leave me? I am living my life and being a mother...I miss my husband Tojaz I think I will still write out those boundaries...for me
tojaz Posted October 14, 2009 Posted October 14, 2009 I feel like...I can't explain it...I know that J is not doing anything for me and my son and yet I am worried about him...I can't do anything but be there for him to talk to and I know I will always love him and even want to be with him...where does that leave me? I am living my life and being a mother...I miss my husband Tojaz I think I will still write out those boundaries...for me Of course your worried about him, you love him! I worry about my ex everyday, even though I havent spoken to her in months. I worry that shes alone, that she has enough money etc. The trap is, that even though I worry, I cannot do anything but that. She cut me out, I could call, write, or even check in on her if I wanted too. Unfortunately I know the result. More pain and a longer healing process for myself. I don't imagine a world where I wouldn't worry about her from time to time, shes been my world for 13 years! Yet thats all I will do is worry silently. The point Ladybug is to go ahead and worry, it's OK as long as you worry about you and your son first! Those two need your love right now too.! Good idea writing out those boundries, you might surprise yourself how many you have that you have never enforced before. TOJAZ
Author Auroracoladybug Posted October 29, 2009 Author Posted October 29, 2009 Okay so I still need to make out those boundaries...I am happy to say that J has been showing more interest in his son. I know that he can be a better father and I want to give him that opportunity. I have some pretty awesome friends here that have kept my optimism alive...J still hasn't answered about the legal separation instead of divorce...afraid that is still what he thinks is best...not how I feel but I need to make him help me raise our son...paying to get himself out of debt but not able to help me buy more than a few diapers...thankfully I have roommates and yet they don't help that much...I wish I could afford to keep everything in the house just me and my son...and not worry about his support...I gotta get a better job (gotta get back to school for that one...BA down now need my teachers credits and maybe a Masters)
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