Auroracoladybug Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Well J proposed a 50/50 custody...I figured out why that is not acceptable for me... first off he left us...I didn't have a child to be away from that child during anything more than a night out with a friend or family member...I don't feel that I should miss out on holiday mornings or evenings, playing in the park, recreation classes, parties, any of his boo boos, bath time, playtime... second...J has never "enjoyed" the holidays...I dressed the baby for his first everything 4th of July, Easter, Christmas, etc... third...J does not participate in things for his son, none of the Easter egg hunts, for his two halloween holidays I got his costume and dressed him up and took him out with his cousins and trick or treating...J is supposed to have the baby this halloween and I asked if I could have him and J did not show any interest at all to take him...J has not gone to swimming lessons with us, gymnastics only the last day to day pictures, who knows what he will do for our son in the future fourth...he has threatened to basically dissappear during any of our recent arguments "if things start looking bleak than you know what I will do", "do you really want to know what it is like to be dropped", "I don't care about anything and I don't need it" I am optimistic by nature...I think anyone can be who they want to be and have hope that J will come around...but why should my son have to be submitted to his lack of interest and excitement to do anything...I want to hear him say that he wants his son to do things and even if that is just to cuddle...the baby has now turned from excitement everytime he sees his father to crying and running to me not wanting to leave... Some people on here wish that they had children to have a reason for the ex to keep contact...would you really want your children to have to go thru this? The child comes first no matter what...I want J to know his son but I feel like a mother bear two times over...I don't want to keep J from his son but I don't want to give him my baby either...confusing with caring about J and wanting to make him happy (that is why I filed for divorce because that is the only thing I knew he wanted)...
Author Auroracoladybug Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 Love yourself and you children
MrMayI Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 i know EXACTLY where you are coming from, ladybug. my ex left. she didn't care to stay and see the cause and effect of her actions. she's already made a few statements about the holidays, and she has our daughter a lot more than i'd like for her to, but i'm trying to be civil. it's so hard these days. i don't know how much "fight" i have left in me. it could just be the sickness talking right now, but i'm tired.
Author Auroracoladybug Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 What is civil and fair when THEY LEFT!
MrMayI Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 What is civil and fair when THEY LEFT! i've yet to find that out myself. i wish i could bring myself to tell her no somedays, but my little girl is the one who will really feel the effects of that. look at my thread to see where i am today. i probably don't have much positivity to offer.
Gunny376 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Coming from someone who's father got sole custody as a child of six. I then got dumped off with the grandparents, who basically were just concerned that I didn't hurt myself. So I got a screwed up idea about social interaction. Holidays were just another day. Never went anywhere, did anything. While on the one hand? This made me independent, self reliant, etc. On the other? It caused me problems in my marriage and with social interaction. For example? I'm 52 years old and have never had a birthday party of my own. No big deal in my mind, but,................................ As a consequence, such things aren't a big deal to me. My point? I can look back and see where I missed out on a lot of things. The day to day interaction, guidance, mentoring, teaching of a child is hugely important. Had I had that as child, (I'm one of a handful in my family to even graduate from high school let alone college) there's no telling how far I could have gone? Had I just had someone sit down and help me each night with homework would have made a hugh difference in my life. (My grandparents and father never completed junior high school.) The difference that impacted me in my education? I had three teachers each in English, math, and science that were "old school" and had earned their degrees back in the 1930's and 40's. They were all business, and didn't play. You went to their class? You were going to learn something. The person that comes about eighteen years from now is very, very determinant as to what you do today, each day, everyday.
Author Auroracoladybug Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 That is what I am afraid of Gunny and Mr...I don't want to screw up my son's life
FoolMeAgain Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 That is what I am afraid of Gunny and Mr...I don't want to screw up my son's life Be very careful ladybug... Don't let your hurt/pain cloud your judgement. You sound like the more nurturing parent - but the other one is just as important to you child's well being. I'm fighting for custody of my son and it isn't looking really good for me right now. I've changed lawyers twice already because they told me best I'll get as a man is 50/50. My STBX is not a good person. She is a selfish mother who looks at him like a "meal ticket". I must constantly remind myself ... Even a bad parent is more important than a missing parent.... Here is some food for thought: It is a documented fact that children suffer when fathers get pushed out of children's lives. Years of government and private research proves this. Just look at some of the facts: Children growing up in fatherless homes are: Five times more likely to commit suicide 32 times more likely to run away 20 times more likely to have behavioral disorders 14 times more likely to commit rape 9 times more likely to drop out of high school 10 times more likely to abuse drugs 9 times more likely to end up in a state operated institution 20 times more likely to end up in prison It is imperative that he remain involved in your children's lives...Study after study confirms that fatherless homes destroy children. More than 95% of the criminals in jail today were raised in fatherless homes. The link between fatherless homes and dysfunctional children is indisputable. If you really want to do the best thing for your son, Encourage the relationship. Afterall, If we can make them believe some big fat man in a red suit dropped in the chimney to leave them presents, we can convince them that the 'other parent' is a good person.
Author Auroracoladybug Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 Foolmeagain...I am sure that my rant reads as though I want J to take a flying leap...I definitly want J and the baby to have a close relationship. I am encouraging it and supportive of it. I know that the baby is too young to be split from the home all the time...as he gets older I am sure he will spend more and more time with his father. J is a good person and I still love him dearly. The only thing I feel that he is lacking is the self-confidence of his parenting ability...I wouldn't have had a child with him if I didn't feel that he could do it. I am hurt that he never encourages our son that he wants to spend time with him...as soon as the baby hears "ready to go with daddy?" he freaks and runs to me and J doesn't show any comfort and encouragement that he wants the baby to the baby (I hope that makes sense)...I will never keep his son from him or vice versa (I love them both so much)...J thinks that I think of him as a meal ticket...that I only want money...I don't want to lose the roof over our heads (if I could sell the house and get what I owe I would)...I guess one of the things that gets me is that J has shown no interest until this last week to even have dinner on a day that he doesn't have his son...convienent when status conference is in a few days...he called 6 times last night and never left messages then told me "well I was going to ask if you wanted to have dinner together earlier and I was calling to say good night to the baby (but telling me to tell the baby)"...he has been gone nearly 3 months and has never made that choice...I am glad to see the effort I love him and still miss him and wish he would come home...he needs to find his feet and himself and what he wants to make himself happy...if his son is something he needs then he can ask for and spend time with him...so far it seems that his son is sometimes an inconvenience (look at my other thread...for two weeks he didn't see the baby and didn't even show any wish to make it up) I am trying my best to be a good mother...thank you for the facts and I will not push his father out...J has threatened to leave and dissapear multiple times and I have begged him not to...I am so scared to make mistakes I am treading very lightly...I just need help and in the nearly 3 months he has been gone I have gotten 2 boxes of diapers (better than nothing but he makes 2X what I make)
Author Auroracoladybug Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 Okay so my thread has basically died here but I wanted to vent... J once again can not take our son because he is on call...the baby has another ear-infection and I took him to the Dr. and I have to take him to see the specialist... J is getting a new place on the 1st of November and "can't help me" and the CS he calculated is as he ranted to me... "who in their right mind would pay that much...it is nearly 1/3 of my paycheck!"...he hasn't helped in three months! I JUST WANT HELP AND A FATHER FOR MY SON WHO CARES!
trippi1432 Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Okay so my thread has basically died here but I wanted to vent... J once again can not take our son because he is on call...the baby has another ear-infection and I took him to the Dr. and I have to take him to see the specialist... J is getting a new place on the 1st of November and "can't help me" and the CS he calculated is as he ranted to me... "who in their right mind would pay that much...it is nearly 1/3 of my paycheck!"...he hasn't helped in three months! I JUST WANT HELP AND A FATHER FOR MY SON WHO CARES! Hi Ladybug, I take it that you are talking to the courts or to lawyers already....there are 3 types of custody where I am in NC....primary, joint and split. Primary means that you have the child in your custody more than the ex and it gives you all rights over medical decisions for the child, schools...etc. Joint meand that husband must have the child in his custody more than 123 days out of the year and you share responsibility on decisions. Split means that the child lives with you half of the year and him the other half. Here's the other breakdown, joint custody actually allows him to pay less CS than if you are the primary caregiver. As primary caregiver, you are providing most of the basic needs for the child, running to doctor's appts, medical care, shelter, clothing, food, heat....etc. The way our courts look at it for joint custody, if child is staying at other parents for 123 days or more, parent is participating in basic needs...clothing, shelter, heat, food, electricity....etc.
Author Auroracoladybug Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 I want Primary custody because J seems to never be available...he is going thru this MLC and wants joint custody but I don't think the overnights are not conducive for a 2 year old who is mommy's boy...I want to work up to J having more time with his son but as of right now if he doesn't have money then he can't do anything with our son...I am just so frustrated with my feelings too...I love him and want to give him everything and yet I know that I can't live that way and it is not good for my son...I still fear that J will just disappear because it is not going his way...
trippi1432 Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 I want Primary custody because J seems to never be available...he is going thru this MLC and wants joint custody but I don't think the overnights are not conducive for a 2 year old who is mommy's boy...I want to work up to J having more time with his son but as of right now if he doesn't have money then he can't do anything with our son...I am just so frustrated with my feelings too...I love him and want to give him everything and yet I know that I can't live that way and it is not good for my son...I still fear that J will just disappear because it is not going his way... Ladybug, My first ex split on us and stayed out of our daughter's life for seven years, despite the fact that I begged him to see her. He came briefly back into her life for 2 years and really messed with her mind about why he had been gone for so long. Then as quickly as he came into her life, he was gone again (and he only lives an hour away). It was very tough and her teen years were very hard on all of us, but we got through them. At 18, she informed her father that she never wanted anything to do with him again, which I wish hadn't come to that, but he brought it on himself. I am very proud of my now 22 year old daughter. She has grown into a strong, smart young woman and I enjoy getting both Mother and Father's day cards from her. Keep doing what you are doing, be a good mom for your son, but don't let your H play on your fear because he knows he can use that to get what he wants from you. I thought my first husband was a good man too, so did both of his next wives and the other children he fathered that he has nothing to do with. My current H and I have been split for 6 weeks now and the further he gets into his MLC or whatever the heck he is going through...obsessions...etc, the more I have no idea who he is. Our son is 14 and I am getting primary because I don't think that I can trust this man to not make a bad impression on his son with his drinking and partying with his new bachelorhood. My current H once threatened that he would leave and move states away....the problem now, is that he won't. Would make raising our son much easier. Make the best decisions for you and your son, that is your primary objective at this point.
Author Auroracoladybug Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 Thanks Trippi...I do love J and want to give him the opportunity to be a better father than his was...I guess the only real choice I have now is to focus on my son and me...I don't know if J will ever come around or just continue to blame me...
JaneDoe35 Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 I sometimes wish my husband would drop off the face of the earth. I know this would not be good for our daughter though. How can they do this? I thought that he would take care of us & be our protector forever. Having a child together in this situation, It is like you are feeling double the pain. I feel ashamed that I could not keep this little family together for our daughter. I know how you feel. We keep wishing that they would wake up.
Author Auroracoladybug Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 wishing they would wake up and realize how much we care...
Author Auroracoladybug Posted October 11, 2009 Author Posted October 11, 2009 Ironically so many people have dropped the line "if you get back with him I will...disown, not talk, etc" and I like to think of myself as the person who loves so much to give him that opportunity and faith in him...I am so torn about what to do...I don't think a divorce is always the end and am looking for a new start...I want J back (even the new J) for me to prove how much I love him...I made mistakes in my past and really hurt him but how do I follow thru with my promise not to keep his son from him and never to hurt him again if he won't take responsibility? God I hurt so much...
JaneDoe35 Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 I know, my mum said to me this morning 'we may just have to accept that it is over' I was silent, could not speak as in my mind I don't think I have even accepted that this is happening.....
JaneDoe35 Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 My mum said to me this morning 'maybe we just have to accept that it is over' I was silent, almost dumbstruck as in my mind I have not accepted that this is even happening.....I don't know how to do this.
trippi1432 Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 I sometimes wish my husband would drop off the face of the earth. I know this would not be good for our daughter though. How can they do this? I thought that he would take care of us & be our protector forever. Having a child together in this situation, It is like you are feeling double the pain. I feel ashamed that I could not keep this little family together for our daughter. I know how you feel. We keep wishing that they would wake up. They don't, my father is 62 years old...I love him to death, but his view of how he left my mother, my mother's view and mine are all different. He left her with all the bills, but swears he left her with a home (gave her the mortgage), a car (not paid for) and swears he paid child support (my mother took him to court for it 5 years later after he was caught buying his current girlfriend's daughter a shopping cart full of toys, but claimed he was too broke to buy his own daughter an Xmas gift). To this day, he swears that he left her in a good position and my mother swears to this day that we lived in poverty and she worked two jobs to pay off the debt he left her with. Each has their own story to tell, and each will play the blame game until death they do part. When my first marriage broke up, my daughter was 3. I was deeply depressed and had no idea how I was going to give her a decent life. I remember pointing to broken down tobacco shacks and tellling my mother that I couldn't even afford to live in one of those. It was very depressing. Then I opened my eyes and started seeing opportunities. I went back to school and that opened so many doors for me. It's been a long road and I still feel that I wasn't able to give my daughter all the things that I can give my son now, but she knows that I did the best I could. There is nothing to be ashamed about in living the best you can.
JaneDoe35 Posted October 11, 2009 Posted October 11, 2009 Ironically so many people have dropped the line "if you get back with him I will...disown, not talk, etc" and I like to think of myself as the person who loves so much to give him that opportunity and faith in him...I am so torn about what to do...I don't think a divorce is always the end and am looking for a new start...I want J back (even the new J) for me to prove how much I love him...I made mistakes in my past and really hurt him but how do I follow thru with my promise not to keep his son from him and never to hurt him again if he won't take responsibility? God I hurt so much... Auroracoladybug, I feel the same, I want my husband back, even this new version that has hurt me so badly over the past 2 months. But if I think about that carefully it confuses me. I think it is impossible to think rationally about this when we are so emotional. I want a way out of this.
JaneDoe35 Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 They don't, my father is 62 years old...I love him to death, but his view of how he left my mother, my mother's view and mine are all different. He left her with all the bills, but swears he left her with a home (gave her the mortgage), a car (not paid for) and swears he paid child support (my mother took him to court for it 5 years later after he was caught buying his current girlfriend's daughter a shopping cart full of toys, but claimed he was too broke to buy his own daughter an Xmas gift). To this day, he swears that he left her in a good position and my mother swears to this day that we lived in poverty and she worked two jobs to pay off the debt he left her with. Each has their own story to tell, and each will play the blame game until death they do part. When my first marriage broke up, my daughter was 3. I was deeply depressed and had no idea how I was going to give her a decent life. I remember pointing to broken down tobacco shacks and tellling my mother that I couldn't even afford to live in one of those. It was very depressing. Then I opened my eyes and started seeing opportunities. I went back to school and that opened so many doors for me. It's been a long road and I still feel that I wasn't able to give my daughter all the things that I can give my son now, but she knows that I did the best I could. There is nothing to be ashamed about in living the best you can. Trippi, how old were you when your first marriage ended? If you don't mind telling me of course...
JaneDoe35 Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 They don't, my father is 62 years old...I love him to death, but his view of how he left my mother, my mother's view and mine are all different. He left her with all the bills, but swears he left her with a home (gave her the mortgage), a car (not paid for) and swears he paid child support (my mother took him to court for it 5 years later after he was caught buying his current girlfriend's daughter a shopping cart full of toys, but claimed he was too broke to buy his own daughter an Xmas gift). To this day, he swears that he left her in a good position and my mother swears to this day that we lived in poverty and she worked two jobs to pay off the debt he left her with. Each has their own story to tell, and each will play the blame game until death they do part. When my first marriage broke up, my daughter was 3. I was deeply depressed and had no idea how I was going to give her a decent life. I remember pointing to broken down tobacco shacks and tellling my mother that I couldn't even afford to live in one of those. It was very depressing. Then I opened my eyes and started seeing opportunities. I went back to school and that opened so many doors for me. It's been a long road and I still feel that I wasn't able to give my daughter all the things that I can give my son now, but she knows that I did the best I could. There is nothing to be ashamed about in living the best you can. Trippi, how old were you when your first marriage ended? If you don't mind telling us......if not that's fine.
trippi1432 Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 Trippi, how old were you when your first marriage ended? If you don't mind telling us......if not that's fine. We were high school sweethearts, were together from 17 years old to 23 years old, I think. Got married at 20/21...the separation lasted longer than the marriage. He finally filed for divorce when I was 26 and he was getting ready to marry wife number 2.
JaneDoe35 Posted October 12, 2009 Posted October 12, 2009 SORRY FOR DOUBLE POSTS - FORUM SEEMS TO LOG ME OUT...... Hi Trippi, thanks for your reply. I hope I can be like you and open my eyes and see that my daughter & I still have a future without him.
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