AnimalCracker Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Hi all, I'm new to this board. I'm currently in a 3 year old long distance relationship. We had planned on me moving to where he was when he started his new job, and if that worked out we'd take it as far as we can. But after he started his job this summer, he said I shouldn't move because it would make him feel guilty that I'm sacrificing so much for him and give him too much pressure since his job is too time-consuming, and he wouldn't have the time to treat me the way I deserve. I was fine with not moving immediately and keeping it long distance because I still had some things to tie up on my end. Now after 2 months on the job, he tells me he doesn't know if we'll make it at all because he doesn't know how we'll get together in the long term. He gets scared every time he thinks about me being in the same city as him because he doesn't have the time and he also says he doesn't know what he wants. And at the same time, he also doesn't know how long we can keep it long distance without it failing. So now I find myself in a catch 22 because moving to the same city would be pressure, but we don't know how long we can last apart. We obviously love each other, but is there a way to get through this?
jumi Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I feel like if he can't handle living together with you, then it's not going to work. It makes him uncomfortable, so I don't see how you two can be happy together with all this tension and worry. Unless you guys sit down and really open up about how you feel, then this LDR may not work out.
Lucky_One Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 From your post, I don't get that he "obviously loves you". Why do you believe that? Just from the details you have posted, I get more of a sense of "I am feeling too tied down to you, and I don't even want you here with me. Even though we would both work/go to school/have lives outside the primary relationship, I don't want to spend the time I do have off with you." Sounds like he is trying to come up with excuses to gently break up, and blame it on his job and the distance. No one works 24/7/365. Even successful CEOs of companies who go to work at 7:00 am and get home at 7:00 pm (unless they have a business dinner and get home at 10:00 pm) manage to date, marry, have children, and maintain a life at home - and get some time off. Even bartenders who go to work at 4:00 pm and get off at 2:00 am have time to date, marry, have children, and maintain a life at home - and get some nights off. Even nurses or doctors who work 12 hour shifts 3 days a week get 4 days off.
Lucky_One Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Adding - how far apart are you, and how often do you see each other? How often have you seen each other since he moved?
Author AnimalCracker Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 We are about 10 hours apart by plane, so it's pretty much the same as a foreign country in most places. We talk everyday and webcam when we can, but only really see each other twice or three times a year. Right now, he basically goes to work at 7:00 in the morning and doesn't get back home on most nights until 10 pm and on some nights 1:00 am. Since he hasn't been on the job for all that long, I think he's still trying to cope with work and is probably stressed. We actually talked about this whole issue and that's why he told me it was a combination of no time and feeling guilty. From his track record so far, I believe him on that. We are still going to see each other for Thanksgiving and he's still excited about that. But I'm just wondering what the best way to address the issue is since we've been working on communicating and making sure we're there for each other when issues come up. Regardless, we've always been best friends first and I don't want him to struggle or feel guilty just because his new job is overwhelming him. And thanks for all your questions and replies, it's good to ask these questions of myself so that I can seriously evaluate where we are.
Lucky_One Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Wow - that's not much time together to make life decisions on. For a time, my BF lived on the west coast and I lived on the east coast. No non-stops from my area, so I understand the 10 hour flying times. But we made arrangements to see each other about once a month - really about every 3 weeks for the weekend. Flights are pretty cheap nowadays, with prior planning and with flexibility.
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