Notsogood Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Well its been 16 weeks since the breakup of my 5.5 year relationship. Although I'm still not ok, at least I am in a clearer frame of mind and have been objectively reflecting on the relationship and how much of a different person I was during the relationship. Here are some of the observations I have made: 1) I became very reclusive. I would see my friends about once a week and never wanted to meet my Ex's friends. I was also content to just stay at home all day (we lived together), and not doing anything at all. 2) I was always grumpy and moody. Looking back now, I have no idea why I was this way - I just was. I would be grumpy everytime we went out and always made a fuss if we did something that I didn't want to (like going out). 3) I got very cocky. I have been very fortunate my whole life up to this point, with pretty much everything going in my favour. My friends who were in long term relationships would break up and I would always think that it would never happen to me. I also did things that the ex did not like and never though twice because I never thought she would leave me. This leads to the next point... 4) I took everything for granted. I never helped out around the house and always expected everything to be done for me. The ex used to nag me all the time about smoking (even though I have been a smoker before we got together) and I used to just get angry about getting nagged. Its only after the fact that I realise that she was only nagging cos she cared about me and I was an idiot for getting upset. 5) I was very selfish during the relationship. I was working full time whilst the ex was working part time whilst studying. I knew there were many things that she wanted but I never got them for her and when I did, I would think twice about the money I was spending. On the other hand, if there was something I wanted, I would buy it without hestitation. I could have done so much more for my ex. During the breakup, she asked me "When was the last time you bought my favourite chocolates for me?". This has really struck a chord with me cos she was totally right, I never really thought about her wants and needs whereas she used to bring back stuff I liked to eat from wherever she went. 6) I am not a good communicator. Whenever the ex would do something that annoyed me, I would just give her the silent treatment and expect her to figure out what was wrong. And if it got too much, I would just leave and go to my parents house instead of trying to resolve things. I know this is a major problem with me, and I am really trying to fix this for myself now. I really don't know why I do this though, I think its because I hate confrontations. Thats no excuse though and I know it. In fact, this was a major cause of the breakup. All in all, I was a terrible boyfriend. It wasn't always like this and I have no idea how I turned into that person. Maybe it was the length of the relationship or maybe, even scarier, it is a reflection of my true self. Either way, she definitely did not deserve to be treated like that, and however much my heart bleeds right now, at least I can take consolation in the fact that she is better off without me. I am taking this time now and trying very hard to work on myself and my issues, but I'm not sure if I can ever trust myself in a relationship again. I never want to turn into that person again. I had a beautiful and caring girl who loved me with all her heart and did everything for me and I still turned into that person without even knowing it. Thanks for reading.
Exit Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Well it's good that you've done a lot of reflecting on yourself but just remember the blame never falls on just one person, it wasn't all your fault. But as long as you make improvements to yourself then it will all have been worth it.
muse08 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 it's wonderful that you have been able to reflect. so many people are not able to do so. i know it's work in progress but how are you feeling now?have you changed the way you treat people you're in a relationship with or are you still single? i'm going through a break up now and my ex reminds me of you in some ways. he's now trying to get back with me. he made broken promises, then took it lightly.we've have conversations since the breakup and he acts as if we're just talking about glass of spilled milk, literally... when i let him know how i feel and ignore his communication he chases me more.i don't get it. which has made me never get back with him. i do care for him but i think that b/c of his broken promises about things that really mattered to me, i have grown a bit callous to his words. i feel like i'm suffering more than he is. he acts like he's just fine, but i'm the one who gets upset or feels sorry for him then i'll give in and answer his call,etc. do you have a suggestion.i tried NC but didnt succeed b/c i had to ask him for help.at this point i hope i can get along without asking him for anything...really. i doubt he has reflected on much of anything...
tryagaintoday Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 My Lord! Notsogood. You and I seem to come from the same blue print. We shared all points except for no.5 - I will and bought her everything she wanted/needed and she would also do the same for me. And I don't really smoke as well. We have been together for 13 years and she cheated on me for a 4 months now and I was dump recently. Well, it's great that you reflected. All we can do now is to change. Stay determined, stay focus. Plan and always have open communication!
Author Notsogood Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 it's wonderful that you have been able to reflect. so many people are not able to do so. i know it's work in progress but how are you feeling now?have you changed the way you treat people you're in a relationship with or are you still single? i'm going through a break up now and my ex reminds me of you in some ways. he's now trying to get back with me. he made broken promises, then took it lightly.we've have conversations since the breakup and he acts as if we're just talking about glass of spilled milk, literally... when i let him know how i feel and ignore his communication he chases me more.i don't get it. which has made me never get back with him. i do care for him but i think that b/c of his broken promises about things that really mattered to me, i have grown a bit callous to his words. i feel like i'm suffering more than he is. he acts like he's just fine, but i'm the one who gets upset or feels sorry for him then i'll give in and answer his call,etc. do you have a suggestion.i tried NC but didnt succeed b/c i had to ask him for help.at this point i hope i can get along without asking him for anything...really. i doubt he has reflected on much of anything... Hi muse, thanks for reading my long post. I'm still single and will most likely be single for a very long time. I'm still very heart broken and the wounds are very deep and will take a long time to heal. The breakup was a good thing in a sense that it was a major wake up call, and I'd like to say that I will not treat anyone like that again. However, things just happened during the relationship and I turned into that person without even knowing it. Thats what scares me the most, because I would like to think of myself as a good person and at this stage, I don't trust myself to be in another relationship. In terms of your breakup, I suggest you stick to NC, although your situation is different to mine as I was the dumpee (i'm assuming you were the dumper). For me, I chased very hard during the first 2 months of the breakup and really regret doing it and promised myself I will never put myself in that situation again (basically throwing all dignity out the window with the begging and pleading). However, in saying that, I think you need to do whatever you feel you need to do to get it all out of your system. NC is hard to stick too but you will eventually stick to it either by sure will or (like me) sufferring through all the pain and realising that NC is your only option to stop the pain.
wickedsorry Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 My goodness. About 90% of that I could copy and paste and it'd be true for me too. Looking back I realize how lousy I was at truly showing her how much she meant to me over the past 6 years.
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