Devil Inside Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I also think that if you were unemotionally available in your 20s you may be more so by your 30s. I think as you get older you learn how to have better boundaries...so you will have the capacity to be more open emotionally...but only when you want to be, and only with who you want to be.
Woggle Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 "Emotional availability" is the fast track to "Let's just be friends." Women don't want emotional men. I don't care how many GD times they say that they do. We all know it's bunk. My guess is that many men by their 30s have successfully un-learned the Hollywood-fueled notion that being a new age, emotionally available, feminist nancy boy will somehow endear them to females in a romantic way. (The occasional mercy-f*kk from an otherwised-repluse female friend may have stunted their growth somewhat.) Once they've been LJBF'd for the 100th time, maybe they finally *get* that they need to own their masculinity and sexuality and quit being duplicitous wussbags if they ever want to get laid, let alone find a wife who will offer femininity, compliance, and sex. Very true. These men are probably the ones who gave their heart to a woman in their 20s only to be thrown away for some player who is incapable of feeling anything for a woman. It's sort of a crual irony that by the time many women have the bad boys out of their system men their age tend to be jaded as hell and can't commit.
laRubiaBonita Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 so pandagirl- what exactly do YOU mean by Emotionally Unavailable?
carhill Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Wogs, I personally experienced a ton of that (getting thrown away or passed by) in my 20's and even 30's and still had no problem committing to marry my wife at 40. Even going through a divorce, I don't see any issue going forward, mindful of those boundaries I spoke of above. I'm a lot less tolerant of mind f*cking and game playing than I was back in my 20's, probably just due to life experience. The conundrum of what women want and what they're attracted to still remains. We're hearing what they want. IME, that is very different than what they're attracted to and remain attracted to. One datapoint
Devil Inside Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Wogs, I personally experienced a ton of that (getting thrown away or passed by) in my 20's and even 30's and still had no problem committing to marry my wife at 40. Even going through a divorce, I don't see any issue going forward, mindful of those boundaries I spoke of above. I'm a lot less tolerant of mind f*cking and game playing than I was back in my 20's, probably just due to life experience. The conundrum of what women want and what they're attracted to still remains. We're hearing what they want. IME, that is very different than what they're attracted to and remain attracted to. One datapoint Isn't that the freaking truth.
bac Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 I am dating men in 40s on personals. All of my men were emotionally unavailable, except one man who had a severe psychiatric disorder. He was the only one who had a potential for intimacy and wanted to communicate on some deeper level. He was available, helpful and enjoyed any form of communication including phone conversations. I have noticed that all emotionally unavailable men do not call me on the phone at all, instead they do enjoy texting and they are OK with emailing. Most of my men have never been married. I guess it makes sense why they are still available for ONSs and casual dating instead of being in LTR or married.
Author pandagirl Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 Wogs, I personally experienced a ton of that (getting thrown away or passed by) in my 20's and even 30's and still had no problem committing to marry my wife at 40. Even going through a divorce, I don't see any issue going forward, mindful of those boundaries I spoke of above. Well, Mr. Carhill! You are not like other men.
JohnP82 Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Very true. These men are probably the ones who gave their heart to a woman in their 20s only to be thrown away for some player who is incapable of feeling anything for a woman. It's sort of a crual irony that by the time many women have the bad boys out of their system men their age tend to be jaded as hell and can't commit. Absolutely agree! I learned the hard way, and luckily at a fairly early age, that complete emotional availability is a one way ticket to "it's not you it's me" and "I think I'm going to start dating my ex again." Also someone said earlier that what women want and are attracted to are two completely different things which is the truth. Watch their actions and don't worry about their words.
carhill Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Well, Mr. Carhill! You are not like other men. Perhaps, but consider me a representative example of one potential male group out there. If you've encountered one, there surely are more somewhere, perhaps in an alternative universe, which is where I feel like I am most of the time
Woggle Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 With all due respect carhill you are an example of what happens all too often when a man does open up emotionally. Your case is an example of why so many single men in their 30s are scared to death of commitment. Many men in their 30s have also witnessed their friends marriages as well and want no part of that.
Author pandagirl Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 Absolutely agree! I learned the hard way, and luckily at a fairly early age, that complete emotional availability is a one way ticket to "it's not you it's me" and "I think I'm going to start dating my ex again." Also someone said earlier that what women want and are attracted to are two completely different things which is the truth. Watch their actions and don't worry about their words. No one said I wanted a guy who is a blubbering wuss! To me, being emotionally available is not being afraid of being vulnerable or of intimacy with another person. It's being aware and thus responsible for not only your own feelings, but for another person's feelings. That being said, I have a long way to go myself with this whole "emotionally unavailable" thing. But my original question was asking about if it increases with age.
carhill Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 With all due respect carhill you are an example of what happens all too often when a man does open up emotionally. Your case is an example of why so many single men in their 30s are scared to death of commitment. Many men in their 30s have also witnessed their friends marriages as well and want no part of that. You're probably right but my imperative is to live as long and healthfully as I can, and, if my emotional style and perspective (which is the center of my health) obviates women being attracted and remaining attracted, that is my path. I've come to greatly value those gifts and those who do care for and love me value them as well. Even those women who don't desire banging me
Curt Posted September 29, 2009 Moderators Posted September 29, 2009 Do any men here feel like this? Finding yourself more emotionally unavailable as time goes on? Yes, sometimes, but I know that it's only because of the countless women who play headgames with men, or who are emotionally unavailable themselves. It's funny, actually, that a number of these same women bemoan men's faults. IMHO, it is more like classic transferrance of their emotional moodiness and "wishy washy-" nature onto the backs of men that has helped create the "monsters" that they find themselves dealing with now. We are nice and available and we are considered boring and wussy. We gather ourselves, become strong and unwaivering and we are considered "closed off" and unfeeling. ... and are complained about either way. All the best, Curt
Sam Spade Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Yes, sometimes, but I know that it's only because of the countless women who play headgames with men, or who are emotionally unavailable themselves. It's funny, actually, that a number of these same women bemoan men's faults. IMHO, it is more like classic transferrance of their emotional moodiness and "wishy washy-" nature onto the backs of men that has helped create the "monsters" that they find themselves dealing with now. We are nice and available and we are considered boring and wussy. We gather ourselves, become strong and unwaivering and we are considered "closed off" and unfeeling. ... and are complained about either way. All the best, Curt badabing. While in theory it is possible to do both (e.g. do the strong closed thing initially, and then open up as the relationship progresses), it is quite irritating to have to follow such a recipe, so most guys chose not to bother at all.
Woggle Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 badabing. While in theory it is possible to do both (e.g. do the strong closed thing initially, and then open up as the relationship progresses), it is quite irritating to have to follow such a recipe, so most guys chose not to bother at all. My way is to just do what I want and a woman can either take it or leave it. This approach actually worked for me and it is great to have a woman who loves me for me. If she doesn't love who I am I am better off without her.
carhill Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Exactly. Be who you are. Think with the big head and not the little one. Own your style and don't apologize for it. If it's compatible with the woman you seek, bonus
JohnP82 Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 No one said I wanted a guy who is a blubbering wuss! To me, being emotionally available is not being afraid of being vulnerable or of intimacy with another person. It's being aware and thus responsible for not only your own feelings, but for another person's feelings. See here's the problem. Women tend to say that they want this but not that. Or not too much of this and more of that. I think at some point the guy stops caring and you can either take him as he is or not. I imagine guys in their 30's have reached this point.
Woggle Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 See here's the problem. Women tend to say that they want this but not that. Or not too much of this and more of that. I think at some point the guy stops caring and you can either take him as he is or not. I imagine guys in their 30's have reached this point. Exactly. I think men reach a point where they are sick of walking the emotional tight rope for women who never seem to be satisfied no matter what.
Jersey Shortie Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 PandaGirl, I get what your saying. Men in their 20s probably are more endeared to finding that special girl to fall in love with while men in their 30s and 40s can be very world weary, hurt, and emotionally unavailable. Add in the fact that men already have a hard time with their emotions and when they do get hurt they don't seem to process it as well. I mean, just listen to some of the guys here talk and some of them are only in their late 20s or early 30s. They tend to be deeper thinkers than older men whereas I think women become more comfortable with their intellect after their 20s. I can see that. In my expeirence men in their 20s are more willing to explore life in general. Older men are a little more staid. SamSpade: "Also, men in their 30's are in a position to be marginally choosier than women in thei 30s', so there's another reason why nobody is in a hurry to hand over the keys to the bawl-my-eyes-ville. " Hmm, don't agree. I never heard one guy hit 30 and say that dating was easier and he got more choosey. Infact, dating isn't easier for anyone but I do know that alot of 30s women posted here recently how much they were loving life at that point in their life and that they weren't desperate for male companionship. And actually, the older women get the more picky they get. And why not? They figure out more of the kind of man they want and less of the kind of man they want.
gypsy_nicky Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 while I'm yet to experience this, I am terribly saddened by threads like this. This is what happens when the sexual double standard of current society rules out the 'sensitive' male as weak and emasculated. Couple this with the bra burning feminist climate of today then you've got more oompf. I've got nothing against feminism, but as you will see its a 'double edged sword' that created solutions but also created problems.
Author pandagirl Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 while I'm yet to experience this, I am terribly saddened by threads like this. This is what happens when the sexual double standard of current society rules out the 'sensitive' male as weak and emasculated. Couple this with the bra burning feminist climate of today then you've got more oompf. I've got nothing against feminism, but as you will see its a 'double edged sword' that created solutions but also created problems. I don't see why men are twisting my words, and making this into a woman bashing thread. I never said a sensitive man equated a "weak and emasculated" person. It makes it seem like you guys are projecting.
grogster Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Emotional unavailability is not necessarily a bad thing. Some folks are just not in the right time of life for romantic relationships.
gypsy_nicky Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 I wasn't bashing women nor was I twisting your words. Nor was I projecting. Problem with women today is your quick to jump to your defense when there's no threat around. I was only interpreting the climate of today's dating society. Like what the men have posted here (carhill's experience makes a very good example), women will not fall for someone that's emotionally available for them. This thread shows that 'sensitive' or available=weak and emasculated. Or how about boring and predictable for you women. So pandagirl, it seems you've only dated all the unavailable ones. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you were rejecting 'available' men and it only came to you as an afterthought, and you saw their behaviors as red flags (being too available, nice then accusations of being clingy, needy desperate?) sometimes I think women like you deserve the unavailable ones because maybe it's your type that reject the available ones making them 'unavailable'. What I've observed in this forum is when 'elephants' are clearly inside a room, no one will take notice and ignore very revealing posts from some users.
Author pandagirl Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 So pandagirl, it seems you've only dated all the unavailable ones. Has it ever occurred to you that maybe you were rejecting 'available' men and it only came to you as an afterthought, and you saw their behaviors as red flags (being too available, nice then accusations of being clingy, needy desperate?) sometimes I think women like you deserve the unavailable ones because maybe it's your type that reject the available ones making them 'unavailable'. What I've observed in this forum is when 'elephants' are clearly inside a room, no one will take notice and ignore very revealing posts from some users. Surely I have rejected available ones, but I've also rejected unavailable ones. To me, calling when you say you will, being able to communicate what you're thinking/feeling and being kind and thoughtful does NOT equal "clingy and needy." I think in dating, if we are somewhat well-adjusted, we all start off unavailable. I know I do. I like to get to know someone before I open up, but eventually, I always do. However, I find that most men either don't *want* to get to that point, or can't.
sumdude Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Taking a few experiences or observations and making a statement about an age group is a bit of a stretch. I can say being 41, having been through a divorce that tore me up for a while and a couple other relationships that didn't work out make me more careful than I was. I've noticed the same thing about women close to my age. A bit jaded, quicker to bolt at the first little bump in the road. It's like we all get extra picky right at a time when we need to be more open. It can be hard to find someone you really connect with regardless of age. It does get harder when you're a little older, social groups dissipate as folks pair up or move into other phases of life. You meet more people out of the blue that you have no clue about.
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