pandagirl Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 It wasn't until pretty recently that I actually started dating men my own age or older. I always went younger. But I've found I've had a harder time dealing with the older ones. The guys I meet seem great on paper: smart, handsome, funny, creative. But they always end up having some major emotional fault. And while they may be more mature in terms of life experience, it's like they're regressing on the emotional front. It's almost like these men are on their way to being confirmed bachelors, mostly due to previous bad relationships or break ups. I think women are more resilient when it comes heartbreak. We know how to heal and move on. Men aren't so much. It's like they build their walls higher and stronger, and as they get older, they find there is no need to change. I joke with my friends saying at this point I'd rather date a man who's been divorced than a 38-year-old man with no serious long-term relationship history. I would rather know the guy I'm dating had it in him to commit at one point in his life. Do any men here feel like this? Finding yourself more emotionally unavailable as time goes on?
Hkizzle Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 This goes back to the people with healthy relationship attitudes or not. Some men are screwed in the head when it comes to relationships. They got the wrong ideas in their head and just can't commit or open up.
boogieboy Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Do any men here feel like this? Finding yourself more emotionally unavailable as time goes on? Nope, I just dont give myself emotionally to woman Im not that into. The ones I like get my all.
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 This goes back to the people with healthy relationship attitudes or not. Some men are screwed in the head when it comes to relationships. They got the wrong ideas in their head and just can't commit or open up. Do you ever answer a question using your own life experience? Meaning - in first person and including some of your own feelings? You're very detached in your posts, hkizzle. I understand the whole book/research thing. But IMO - I'd find your advice more meaningful if it felt like it was backed up by your OWN personal experience. Now there's a rant. LOL
Woggle Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Most likely they are jaded and bitter because of the drama they went through in their 20s. They probably let their emotions out only to have it backfire on them.
loveslife Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Do you ever answer a question using your own life experience? Meaning - in first person and including some of your own feelings? You're very detached in your posts, hkizzle. I understand the whole book/research thing. But IMO - I'd find your advice more meaningful if it felt like it was backed up by your OWN personal experience. Now there's a rant. LOL I know. It's weird. It's very textbook-like. Maybe that's why so many people have such negative reactions to him. It's like he's presenting himself as our teacher, providing us with "expert advice" but we really know nothing about him. No offense, Hkizzle, but I do prefer the advice of people who talk from their own experience. It's more real.
grogster Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 It wasn't until pretty recently that I actually started dating men my own age or older. I always went younger. But I've found I've had a harder time dealing with the older ones. The guys I meet seem great on paper: smart, handsome, funny, creative. But they always end up having some major emotional fault. And while they may be more mature in terms of life experience, it's like they're regressing on the emotional front. It's almost like these men are on their way to being confirmed bachelors, mostly due to previous bad relationships or break ups. I think women are more resilient when it comes heartbreak. We know how to heal and move on. Men aren't so much. It's like they build their walls higher and stronger, and as they get older, they find there is no need to change. I joke with my friends saying at this point I'd rather date a man who's been divorced than a 38-year-old man with no serious long-term relationship history. I would rather know the guy I'm dating had it in him to commit at one point in his life. Do any men here feel like this? Finding yourself more emotionally unavailable as time goes on? Absolutely. I'm in my 50's, but I've noticed a strong emotional unavailability. So much so that I no longer even casually date. Why mislead women. It's not fair to them, and you're not being true to yourself.
loveslife Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I've noticed that men in their 20s are more emotionally available. And one thing they have said to me is that they like that I talk about things that are more real than most women they know. That I don't fuss about nonsense. They tend to be deeper thinkers than older men whereas I think women become more comfortable with their intellect after their 20s. Anyway, totally generalizing here but it's what has been my experience.
Isolde Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I can't really answer this question but look at it this way--the ones that ARE emotionally available will have a lot to offer you, because they'll have gone through trying times and emerged stronger.
loveslife Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I can't really answer this question but look at it this way--the ones that ARE emotionally available will have a lot to offer you, because they'll have gone through trying times and emerged stronger. What a good way of looking at it Isolde! And so true. There most certainly are emotionally available men out there. I think the more we work on ourselves, making ourselves available emotionally, the more THEY will be drawn to US.
Isolde Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I mean, there's an appeal to tabula rasa availability but I think a sort of openness that has been worked for, a deep seated curiosity and ingenuity, is rarer and more reflective of true character.
loveslife Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I mean, there's an appeal to tabula rasa availability but I think a sort of openness that has been worked for, a deep seated curiosity and ingenuity, is rarer and more reflective of true character. I think that's what I'm getting to for myself. It's like you have to conquer your demons and develop a strong sense of self. And then you can finally feel like being open because you're fine just as you are.
Sam Spade Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I can't really answer this question but look at it this way--the ones that ARE emotionally available will have a lot to offer you, because they'll have gone through trying times and emerged stronger. haha, it works the other way around too. I have been through a lot and have emerged stronger *and* quite possiblye even less available because of that. The latter is probably not true, just sayin' for the sake of devil's advocacy, but even if so, at this point emotional availablity is dispensed on demand and/or on my own schedule . I'm completely emotionially available to my dog though, no problem ;D. Also, men in their 30's are in a position to be marginally choosier than women in thei 30s', so there's another reason why nobody is in a hurry to hand over the keys to the bawl-my-eyes-ville. Men also learn that women indeed perceive them as weak if they are emotional. I've concluded tht the ideal man is one who is in touch with his emotions - however not universally, but only with the part that relates to of validates the woman's emotions .
Rudderless Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Are you sure this isn't just your own perception? I don't think it's ever helpful to categorise and there's too much of it around here. I'm in my 30's although I have had a serious LTR I'm certainly not "regressing" emotionally, and I only know one of my friends to be like this, and he's pretty upfront about it. It's pretty rare to meet a guy in his 30's that's never been in an LTR, and if you do, please, instead of taking the easy road and making a snap judgement about him, try to dig a little deeper.
loveslife Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Are you sure this isn't just your own perception? I don't think it's ever helpful to categorise and there's too much of it around here. I'm in my 30's although I have had a serious LTR I'm certainly not "regressing" emotionally, and I only know one of my friends to be like this, and he's pretty upfront about it. It's pretty rare to meet a guy in his 30's that's never been in an LTR, and if you do, please, instead of taking the easy road and making a snap judgement about him, try to dig a little deeper. I think most of the conclusions people share on this forum (and elsewhere) are based on their own experiences and perceptions. I think something like what OP is saying here is true in her experience. But there are also a lot of other truths regarding men in their 30s. When I meet men in thier 20s and they wear their heart on their sleeves and it's so endearing in a way. But they lack life experience. And I think once you have some life experience you're going to be different. Maybe it's not really being emotionally unavailable, maybe it's just having a different perspective on EVERYTHING than you did in your 20s. And maybe some people interpret this as EU. Maybe that's what Pandagirl is perceiving as EU. Or maybe she is EU and that's the type of guy she's attracting. I don't know. It could be anything. And it is definitely specific to the OP's experience and YMMV. IMO
stillafool Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I've noticed that men in their 20s are more emotionally available. And one thing they have said to me is that they like that I talk about things that are more real than most women they know. That I don't fuss about nonsense. They tend to be deeper thinkers than older men whereas I think women become more comfortable with their intellect after their 20s. Anyway, totally generalizing here but it's what has been my experience. When I was dating and in my 30's I always noticed the same thing about men I men who were in their 20's.
Rudderless Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I think most of the conclusions people share on this forum (and elsewhere) are based on their own experiences and perceptions. I think something like what OP is saying here is true in her experience. But there are also a lot of other truths regarding men in their 30s. When I meet men in thier 20s and they wear their heart on their sleeves and it's so endearing in a way. But they lack life experience. And I think once you have some life experience you're going to be different. Maybe it's not really being emotionally unavailable, maybe it's just having a different perspective on EVERYTHING than you did in your 20s. And maybe some people interpret this as EU. Maybe that's what Pandagirl is perceiving as EU. Or maybe she is EU and that's the type of guy she's attracting. I don't know. It could be anything. And it is definitely specific to the OP's experience and YMMV. IMO I agree with the suggestion that age has an influence to an extent on a person. I disagree when enough weight is given to the influence of age for it to become the primary defining factor of an individual's maturity/emotional availability/outlook etc. There's other factors that are equally if not more important towards shaping a person. For instance, I wouldn't agree that life experience has a particular effect on an individual, it's the specific experience and the way it's been assimilated into their character that has the greater bearing on their maturity/outlook.
Meaplus3 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Most likely they are jaded and bitter because of the drama they went through in their 20s. They probably let their emotions out only to have it backfire on them. You know I tend to agree with you here Woogle. It seems the ones I have encountered around the 30 year mark are a bit jaded and it would make sense that it could very well stem from relationship issues they had in their 20's. I also think that many have issues with intamacy.. and are afraid to admit to it. Mea:)
Author pandagirl Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 You know I tend to agree with you here Woogle. It seems the ones I have encountered around the 30 year mark are a bit jaded and it would make sense that it could very well stem from relationship issues they had in their 20's. I also think that many have issues with intamacy.. and are afraid to admit to it. Mea:) Of course, there is no way to generalize any one grouping of people. I'm just going by what has happened in recent history, to me and my friends. Case 1: My friend just broke up with a guy who claimed to be deeply in love with her, sobbing through his tears, but saying he couldn't give her what she deserves. He is 33. Case 2: Then, my other friend just slept with a guy for the first time after three months, and she hasn't heard from him since. He's 34. Case 3: Another friend dating a 32-year-old who after four months of dating said he just can't commit, and just wants sex. Case 4: I dated the 34-year-old who had gone to therapy after a bad break up for his commitment issues, before deciding there was "nothing really wrong with him." what gives!?
Shygirl15 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 The problem with emotionally available men however, is that they can be a bit needy and clingy.
carhill Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I could say the same thing about a lifetime of women, but I won't The answer is really so simple, just as it was for me. They (and I) need to look within ourselves and discover why we are attracting and growing relationships with people who are incompatible with our relationship, intimacy and commitment styles. It isn't their 'fault' they disappear or don't commit. It's their responsibility 'how' they go about that process, but we have to own our responsibility too. There are signs, signals, messages, feelings that indicate this dynamic. It's up to us to discern and process those into healthy behavior for us (and them too, since we are just as unhealthy for them). Lastly, beware of what you ask for. An emotionally available man can be a handful
Author pandagirl Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 Lastly, beware of what you ask for. An emotionally available man can be a handful I don't want someone who is clingy or needy. That would be equally annoying! Someone who is emotionally aware and not afraid of feelings would be ideal though.
carhill Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 No, that's not what I mean. When a man is emotionally engaged, you can't approach the relationship the same way as with a man whose emotions are suppressed or on the back burner. There's less wiggle room for game playing and less space for hurtful words/deeds going unnoticed or without response. The boundaries are a little different. Remember, you can't have it both ways. Fair warning
samspade Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 "Emotional availability" is the fast track to "Let's just be friends." Women don't want emotional men. I don't care how many GD times they say that they do. We all know it's bunk. My guess is that many men by their 30s have successfully un-learned the Hollywood-fueled notion that being a new age, emotionally available, feminist nancy boy will somehow endear them to females in a romantic way. (The occasional mercy-f*kk from an otherwised-repluse female friend may have stunted their growth somewhat.) Once they've been LJBF'd for the 100th time, maybe they finally *get* that they need to own their masculinity and sexuality and quit being duplicitous wussbags if they ever want to get laid, let alone find a wife who will offer femininity, compliance, and sex.
carhill Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I was getting there If you're getting laid, without any emotional attachment or availability, best keep your good thing quiet, dontcha think?
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