elisabeth160 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Backstory... I live with my two best friends. We all share an apt together and have been for 3 year now. We are a real close bunch. I've been seeing a guy for about two years who lived about an hour away with his own roomates. My friends do not really like him, and since we are all so tight knit it is hard for them to let someone new into our group, but he tries. The reason I'm writing is because he is moving out of his apt into his own place. And he's told me that he wants me to move in with him. Not right this moment but at some point ( my lease is up in 8 months.) Well I told one of my roomates(she has a bf and they have talked about moving in together also) so I thought shed understand. Well... she didn't. She got kinda upset with me and avoided me after I told her I was thinking about it. She told my other roomate and he ignored me for like 3-4 days. He wasn't mad at her when she had brought up moving out. But why me? My question is... I don't know what to do. My friends or my boyfriend whom I see a real future with? And what's their deal? With the male roomate I know its partial jealousy because he doesn't have a significant other. How do I explain things so they don't feel hurt or abandoned or like I don't care. Ughhh I feel guilty and I know I shoudnt. This is going to be a new stage for me and my bf (just me and him , sleeping over a lot, playing house you know)so I'm not sure if I'm completly going to just yet but I'm 75 % sure I would. So how do I explain its only a maybe, a very possible maybe. What makes it worse is, that if I do move out, they will have to move to a smaller apt. But the girl might move with her bf if I move and the guy will have to go back home. I feel torn between all of this. My life, my future, or their lives and feelings. Help
joseffrost Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I had a very similar experience about a year ago, I lived with the same three guys for 3 years and then suddenly when I started seeing a girl and moved out on my own (their attitude to hygiene was not conducive to having a lady in the house) they got all uppity and I've barely spoken to them since. Normally, I'd say that you shouldn't sacrifice friendship for a relationship - generally friends are there for you when significant others come and go - but if they're going to get bent about you moving on in your life, then they might not be the kind of friends you'll keep through life anyway. And yes, I think jealousy plays a HUGE part in this kind of thing.
Ronni_W Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I feel torn between all of this. My life, my future, or their lives and feelings. You're only responsible for your OWN life, not your friends' lives, and not even your b/f's life. Do what YOU need to do, to be, have and do what will make YOU happy in life. IMO, you don't need to explain anything more to either/both. Did one or both of them REALLY expect that you were going to put your own adult life on hold and hang around playing 'house mommy' until the both of them got settled into their adult lives? If you wanted to, you could say that you appreciate that they will miss you, that you'd like to always be part of their lives, and that you intend to do your part to nurture your friendships with them. And leave it at that. Perhaps they consider you the 'glue' of the trio? Which is nice and flattering and all, but is also pointing to possible selfishness on their parts, or insecurity, or neediness, or whatever. That is, there is SOME issue if roommates can't just be happy for each other when good stuff happens to one of the group. OTOH. Do you know why they haven't warmed up to your b/f even after 2 years? IME, tight knit groups are usually more than welcoming when somebody snags a good partner. It could be that they have concerns for you, which may or may not be valid and are simply indications of how much they care about you.
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