New Again Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I may not be cut out for this LD business. Didn't talk to bf at all last night (text, online or phone). Talked to him twice today (a 5 min and a 30 min convo). He asked me what I was up to (currently), but never once asked about my night last night. Never mentioned his. So finally I asked about his night. He still didn't ask me about mine. Come on, it was SATURDAY NIGHT!! So I was like "I had fun last night, thanks for asking." He was like, what? So I said, I want you to be interested in what I'm up to. His response? Some nonsense that really had nothing to do with anything, then: I care what you're up to! I heart you. But he still didn't ask! So I said: Anything between not asking and the third degree will make me FEEL loved. To which he said: I love you. Hurry up and come back so I don't have to ask what you did, cuz we'd have done it together. Seriously, what the freak is wrong with him??!! HE STILL DIDN'T F***ING ASK ME or express the tiniest bit of interest or curiosity. I know that I'm being a b*tch about this, but it's not as though this is the first time this has happened. He makes me feel like out of sight, out of mind. I feel like this is a "he's just not that into you" scenario - because if he was, he would ask!! And then of course this makes me go crazy and want to beat him over the head with my attention-seeking neediness (). What should I say to him? I already freaking told him: his (in)action and how it makes me feel, and offered a solution. And he's so uninterested/self-centered/whatever that he still didn't get it. Or care. Or something.
ashleigh422 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Maybe he just wants you to feel like he trusts you.. or maybe he does trust you.. Perhaps he thinks you are always busy... In a dream world.. he doesn't want to think about you having fun without him.. he just cannot bear the thought of your being without him so he decides not to ask.. I dont know. Only you know if you can deal with an LD. They are tough. GOOD LUCK TO YOU!
boldjack Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 NA, sweetie, calm down. I'm sure that he wants to know, but does he HAVE to say " what did you do Saturday night?" Does he HAVE to use those words, before you will be happy? Is there a format for LD texting? That I'm not aware of? Can't you volunteer to tell him?
littlewhiterose Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 In a dream world.. he doesn't want to think about you having fun without him.. he just cannot bear the thought of your being without him so he decides not to ask.. Maybe he's going through a case of - "Don't ask a question, if you're not prepared to hear an answer"...
Author New Again Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 I think I'm having a hard time with the move, adjusting, meeting people. He didn't ask me about Friday night either. It's pretty usual for him not to ask, or I wouldn't be so mad now (when I feel like he should be taking a greater interest, since everything's new). I think I'm massively offended that his not asking *might* mean that he thinks I'm not doing anything. And then of course, when I let him know that the fact that he doesn't ask me stuff like that makes me feel like he's uninterested...well he proved he's not interested by still not asking. I know that I'm being stubborn at this point by not volunteering the info.
boldjack Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 NA, You know that I like you, but yes, you are being stubborn. Is this his first LD relationship, too? Maybe he is as unsure, as you seem to be. Why not, instead of being huffy, communicate what you expect from each other?
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 LOL...just goes to show that two different people can have completely different reactions to the same exact interactions. This made me go "awww:" To which he said: I love you. Hurry up and come back so I don't have to ask what you did, cuz we'd have done it together. Maybe he doesn't want to think about what fun you're having without him - he'd rather think about when you get to be together.
Author New Again Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 Well I didn't get huffy with HIM, I came here to do that, so that's a start! It is his first LDR. I feel like I did communicate to him what I expect (first was that he call more! - CHECK!); now tonight that I want to feel like he's interested in what I've been up to by asking questions; that I don't want the third degree, but that I don't want him to not ask either. And I guess I just expected him to follow through with action (asking a question), not words that had nothing to do with my actual problem (I love you). He didn't though, and I didn't want to keep TELLING him the same thing, so I dropped it. But now I'm still left feeling like he's uninterested.
Author New Again Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 LOL...just goes to show that two different people can have completely different reactions to the same exact interactions. This made me go "awww:" Maybe he doesn't want to think about what fun you're having without him - he'd rather think about when you get to be together. That used to be my reaction too! But he's REALLY good at saying sh*t like that and reeeallllly bad at following through with actions if that makes sense. I'm just tired of it. He has lots of hooking up experience and not a lot of relationship experience, so this might stem from that. I love hanging out with other couples with him, because if I comment on something sweet someone else's bf did, and my guy sees all the girls giving positive reinforcement for the action, or he sees how happy the other gf is, I notice that he starts doing the thing the other guy did. (Even just tiny things that seem obvious to me, like gushing/saying "thank you" for cooking.)
SoulSearch_CO Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 And I guess I just expected him to follow through with action (asking a question), not words that had nothing to do with my actual problem (I love you). He didn't though, and I didn't want to keep TELLING him the same thing, so I dropped it. But now I'm still left feeling like he's uninterested. Well, any thought to what I said? Maybe he doesn't want to think about what fun you're having without him - he'd rather think about when you get to be together. Maybe he's not doing so hot with the separation. He doesn't want to hear about you having a ball without him. Who would? It's not a matter of disinterest. He could be trying to avoid his feelings. Just a possibility. But not everything is necessarily a personal attack. Put yourself in HIS shoes as to what he could have been feeling in that particular moment to make him behave like that. If what I'm saying makes no sense, try explaining it to him (use pictures if necessary...LOL) and then ASK him why he's not interested in asking about what you've been up to and do not let up until he answers THAT question.
Author New Again Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 Maybe my "I had fun last night, thanks" annoyed him too so he was being stubborn by not asking. You might be right; or he might have assumed I wasn't doing anything, since I tend to tell him any plans I have before the fact. It's just that we didn't talk at all Saturday night or afternoon. I guess that doesn't usually stop me from texting him what I'm up to though.
Author New Again Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 Aren't you engaged to this guy? ??? Nope. Where did that come from?
boldjack Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Sweetie, this is new ground for both of you, and you two, will just have to work out the bugs.
Hkizzle Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 ??? Nope. Where did that come from? No idea, thought I read it somewhere in another thread. Maybe got the wrong person.
Author New Again Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 Sweetie, this is new ground for both of you, and you two, will just have to work out the bugs. Sigh. Yeah. I don't want to go so far as to say that distance is making me insecure, because I trust him (and have the benefit of knowing everyone he hangs out with, which he doesn't), but not having physical contact and feeling like an actual part of his day to day life is HARD. Way harder than I thought. Stinks having that taken away.
Author New Again Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 No idea, thought I read it somewhere in another thread. Maybe got the wrong person. Yeah, either the wrong person, or I posted in a thread about engagements/proposals, maybe that's why.
Author New Again Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 Last night I ended up saying something to him about actions and words (you know, the same stuff you always see on here), but didn't really get anywhere. This morning he saw something on my FB page that a friend wrote that he incorrectly interpreted to be about this past weekend...yup, the one he didn't ask me about, even after I said I wanted him to. So he sent me an email (he's at work and can't call) being like oh hey, so yeah, now I'm going to ask you about your weekend. The message is kind of playful (plus, I think it seems obvious that my friend's comment is about something else), so I can't tell if he's serious, or if it's a type of apology for not asking me last night. Either way at least this crap is almost over! I'm very much a "action - feeling - solution" person when I have a problem; I don't like having to talk and talk and talk about it - it takes me 2 sentences and I'm done, but I want to see results!
northstar1 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Maybe my "I had fun last night, thanks" annoyed him too so he was being stubborn by not asking. You might be right; or he might have assumed I wasn't doing anything, since I tend to tell him any plans I have before the fact. It's just that we didn't talk at all Saturday night or afternoon. I guess that doesn't usually stop me from texting him what I'm up to though. Hey New, How long are you LDR for? And is there a plan for when it ends?
Recommended Posts