I really miss my fiancee

[tryagaintoday]

Hi,

If you are interested in the story, I posted it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t203584/

 

She left last Sun and officially broke off on Thur. The pain has finally sank in. It is very much like someone chopping off your hand. Initially you feel nothing, then after a while, you realised your hand is gone and all these pain started coming.

 

I've read and am still reading many posts here to help me through the days. Somewhere, I've read something about "the 180". However, I can't find anything more on it. Can anyone help me on what this "180" is about?

 

Since she left, I tried to make myself busy. Gotten myself a new guitar, signed up for eyebrow tweezing package (I'm metrosexual). Jogged and workout, talked to my older sister, hung out with our friends from school days - whom are all very supportive of me. These are alot of things that I usually do not do. I am also fully dedicated to my driving lessons and I am thinking of signing up for a weekly piano lessons.

 

Somehow, I have even managed to meet my childhood sweetheart (when we were 11!) whom I did not see for 15 years and we starting talking and emailing - just catching up on things, I did not tell her about my situation and she is also happily attached. So I will never wish to be the one to cause any form of misunderstanding or breaking up between her and her BF. I really like talking to her.

 

At work, I have managed to scrap through by "treading water". It has been this way for more than 3 months as I started losing concentration since I suspected my fiancee seeing someone else. I'm even typing this here in the office! But I promise you guys, I will get alot of work done once this is posted!

 

Right now, I had not contacted my ex yet as I am just waiting for her to contact me. We still need to sort out our house, car and some other belongings. I had started packing her stuff in the house and just waiting for her to call me and arrange to pick them up. I am also writing a list of my things that I would like to collect back (they were kept in her car).

 

I am sincerely doing whatever I can to let go and I want to wish her all the best and happiness she can get. But I just need more time....

 

PS: Sorry for the long post. I'd read through 3 times and done what I could to shorten it.

[mickleb]

Sorry to hear you're going through this, try. You sound like you're keeping busy, which will probably help a lot. Don't overdo it, or do anything if you really don't want to, though. (Everyone's different - do stuff at your own pace).

 

OF COURSE you need more time, my God! Take as much time as you need to get over this. It's a very big bloody deal!

 

I have used the term 180, I believe. When I say it, I mean that everything was going in one direction (he was 100% commited to the relationship, we were planning our first holiday, he hinted strongly that I was 'the one', blah, blah..) then he turned around and ran in the other direction (he hyperventilated and fled out of the door). Don't know if anyone else means anything different when they use it?

 

Hope this is useful. Take care. x

[tryagaintoday]

Thanks, mickleb.

 

Anyway guys. The following is something I would have written or said to her but I wouldn't. I had let go and sincerely wished her all the best and am moving on. A little long, please bear with me.

 

 

Tue 29 Sep 09

 

Hi S***n,

I just wanted to thank both Z**h (OM) and you, especially, Z**h! Without him, I would have never gotten out of the routine. 13 years together and I believe maybe 5 years of routine? I can't really remember. My sister told me to write him a song for it. Hmmm, I don't know. Maybe I will, maybe I wouldn't. You know what? You'd always complained that I had never written any songs for you and well, you finally got it? Although you will never hear it. By the way, it was one of my better ones. I was in tears after completing it and playing it out once. But I am over it.

 

Do you remember telling me that you wanted to have my baby? Asking me if we would like to try for one? Well good thing I am smart. If not, I would now be alone along with the child while you are off with someone you knew for less than 6 months, whom you can "relate better", a good listener and "just a very nice guy". Well, NEWS-FLASH! "Nice guy" will not be decent enough to go after someone already engaged. Yeah yeah yeah, he listens to you when you were down yadayadayada. Well, I am listening. But did you tell me anything? What? You HINTED! HINT?!?!? Well take a HINT, hinting is guess-work. So I need to always guess what is your problem? Not sensitive enough, am I? Well, ladies are very sensitive and so are alot of ppl with lots of female hormones. So is Z**h a female or male with tonnes of female hormones? So you didn't "hint" to him but TELL him now instead, did you?

 

Hey do you remember how I waited for 3 mths for you to come clean with me? Well, have a taste of your own medicine! I "hinted" that I know alot of things. Did you get it? Guess not! On the 3rd mth, when I can stand it no longer, it took you 3 times in 3 weeks to finally come clean with me. Each time with something new in it.

 

On the first day, you asked me "Do you think man and woman can be really good friends?" Well, sweet love angel, "NO" is my answer. You shook your head and said you think otherwise. You said that he is just a very good co-worker and mentor. Well, my everlasting true love ways, you guys are "Best Friends Forever" now aren't you?

 

So afterwards you said you wanted to cool off and then get back to me. Ok. So a week later you are back and said you wanted to try again with me. You apologised and said you respect my wishes and will end all relations with Z**h. I supported you and even bought us a pair of tickets to Brisbane, leaving in mid Oct.

 

Next, you again said you needed alittle bit more time to think. Ok. So another week passed, you came back to me. Wow, now you said you don't feel anything for me anymore and you had fallen in love with Z**h. Ooooo "best friends" indeed. I swallowed my pride and tried asking you to give ourselves a second chance. I have forgiven all these and am willing to not bring them up ever again. No, you just kept crying while shaking your head and even said I had "psychologically affected" you and you are feeling very "cornered". Well, sweetheart, you will always be "psychologically affected" if you refused to admit that you are a cheater, a coward and a taker.

 

Look, I'm trying to help you out here. If you refuse to open your eyes, there'll be a very high chance you will be in the same situation again. Just this time with different people.

 

Anyway, thank you once again. I had found back my true brothers that supported me all the way during this time. Remember them? They are our common friends and buddies since school days. I have also gotten back together with my almost estranged family members.

 

Now, alot of songs have so much more meaning to me now. Oh, this reminds me. You said you connected well with him in music as well. You said, he like "oldies" and you, other than "rock", also like the "oldies". Well, I like "oldies" as well! What is this? I don't even! What next? Are you going to come up with something like "Well, you didn't walk the dog enough"? Then may I ask you? What about all the wet and dirty tissue paper you left everywhere around the house? The bin is just 3 steps away once you entered the toilet. Why are the dirty oil absorbing face papers along with tissue papers everywhere on our bed, the tables, the floor? Who was the one picking up after you without ever saying a word.

 

Ok. This is what I would have said or written to you but I wouldn't. Because I had let go, and I sincerely from the bottom of my heart, wished you all the best and happiness you can ever get.

 

S***n, I loved you and I want you to have the best from now on. Please be the best person you can ever be and make sure you are fair to people that are significant to you from now on.

 

P/S Btw, S***n, can you at least have the courage to call me and arrange to pick up your stuff? I had packed them all nicely just waiting for you to collect them. I had also cut up all the credit cards that you supped for me. This is not just for you. I need my things back as well. My house key, my favourite cds in your car, my sunglasses and the credit cards I supped for you as well. Also, we need to settle the apartment issue as well. You were courageous enough to start this, I'm sure you can courageously end it as well. My number is still the same.

 

Love,

J**f

[CaliGuy]

Sorry about your situation.

 

The best advice I can give you is to click, read and HEED the links in my signature. As for her stuff, box it up and give it to a friend to give it to her. Don't make contact with her. If she tries to contact you, let it go to VM. Don't show online to her in IM. Literally DISAPPEAR from her life. And prove to her that you're moving on.

 

It's going to be painful, no doubt, but you'll get through it. The bottom line is she said yes and then prove that she really mean "maybe". Is that someone you really want as a wife? Imagne if you married her and she did this? It'd be much worse, trust me.

 

As painful as all this is now, it's better to know now than find out after you're married that she was running around behind your back.

 

You'll find someone better for you. Trust me.

[CaliGuy]

Don't ever send them letters trying to "convince" them or "reason" with them that their decision is wrong. That never, ever works. Love is not an emotion that listens to reason. Write the letter to yourself if it makes you feel better to get this out but don't ever send it.

 

Once people fall out of love with you it's pretty much over. They don't just get those feelings back and certainly reasoning never works.

 

The best thing you can do when dumped, believe it or not, is move on with your life. Like quitting a bad habit, you need to go cold turkey with them. It sucks, because I know you miss them a lot, but really -- it's in your best interest to do so.

 

Maybe cutting them off and going complete NC will make them miss you. But if they truly love you and you implement NC then the only true indication they really love you?

 

They literally BEAT YOUR FRONT DOOR DOWN. No cheesy emails, text, IM, etc. But I mean showing up unannounced at your front door, hat in hand.

 

Otherwise, anything else is simply them trying to gain validation.

[tryagaintoday]

Thanks, CG! Yeah, I'm never gonna mail anything to her. Everything that can be deleted are deleted. Every physical stuff that can be thrown are thrown; those that can't be thrown are boxed waiting for pick up.

 

It will not be a full time NC because of the apartment we bought. Still need that settled. I can't wait for that to be over. Once that's done, I can finally say "I don't need you to need me to need my freedom!"

 

And thanks again for the links, I am so busy these days!