Star Gazer Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Writer, regarding calling/texting/emailing/frequency of contact, it is straight up irrational and unreasonable of you to expect the same level of contact from a man you've been on four dates with as you would a husband or even an actual boyfriend. When my BF goes away for business, we usually chat twice a day. But that is now, after over 10 months of dating. At four dates, we did not speak every day. We didn't start speaking everyday until we were exclusive.
Author writergal Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 Really now, you cannot realistically expect to get that kind of commitment from someone you have only been on four dates with Oh, but I can and will. It happened to me with my last boyfriend. He emailed me every day from the get-go. Plus, when he was away on vacation, he called me every night, and he was staying with his family (whom I still had not met at this point in our relationship). So what I'm expecting is not unrealistic or impossible. It happens. It all boils down to personality and communication styles as well. Extroverted people communicate more than introverted people do. I do better when I date extroverted guy so that could be the issue here as well.
prettybaby Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 By length of time....2 months is more of a commitment stage than 4 dates. Plus, your boyfriend texts you when he's away. So far that is not the case with the guy I've been out with. You make no sense. Now you're basically saying that it's normal for people who have dated for 2 months to exchange a couple of texts, while you, at only 4 dates, expect full phone conversations in front of his parents. Yet you mentioned in another post that you envy married couples who call each other every day. So what is your logic here? That the amount of contact decreases with time or increases? 2
Star Gazer Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Oh, but I can and will. It happened to me with my last boyfriend. He emailed me every day from the get-go. If that's honestly what you need, then I think by definition you are needy and clingy. That may be harsh, but this expectation is not normal, and you are highly unlikely to find that level of communication from any man who is not himself needy and clingy. It all boils down to personality and communication styles as well. Extroverted people communicate more than introverted people do. I do better when I date extroverted guy so that could be the issue here as well. I'm extroverted, and I don't have your expectations - never have. 1
Author writergal Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 Rule #543: do not start dating someone, who might go away on holiday before our relationship has got significant enough for us to contact each other while we're away... This isn't my rule Seoa! Stargazer: I guess its a personal preference. PrettyBaby: Well, why not? There is nothing wrong with talking in front of your parents with the person you're dating, at 4 dates or more...we can disagree. That's fine. And I don't envy married couples who talk every day. That's really judgmental of you to say. This is turning into a personal attack on me now. So, continue to post all you want. I'm done responding. If you're not going to respect where I'm coming from, and just attack me when I disagree with you, then there is no longer a useful conversation to be had.
Star Gazer Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Stargazer: I guess its a personal preference. You could call it that, sure. I suggest you amend your "personal preferences," otherwise you're going to be concluding that ALL men "just aren't that into you" solely because they don't live up to this highly unreasonable criteria. You're going to pass over a LOT of great men if you stick to this. Good luck.
seoa Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 It happened to me with my last boyfriend. He emailed me every day from the get-go. So what I'm expecting is not unrealistic or impossible. It happens. So why are you not still with the ex...? Could it be that frequency of contact wasn't the most important criteria in the relationship...? None of us are saying that this will NEVER happen in the early days - just that it's not the NORM, and it doesn't mean anything either way - it's not good or bad at this stage, it just "is"... So if you split your "ideal man" criteria into 3 categories (I often recommend this exercise, for people who are looking for a LTR): - essential - important - nice to have... ...where would frequency of contact go...? If you've got things like "honesty" and "loves his family" and "responsible employee" in the essentials list, would it be there at the same level - is it really that important to you...? And does it have to be there from day 1...? What if he's just a cautious type, who has previously been burned (everyone post-20s has baggage) but when he lets go (after the 12th date?) then he'll be the card-carrying romantic type... If frequency of contact is seriously the top item on your list, then that would be why the rest of us just aren't 'getting' it... And if you are not willing to tolerate the ambiguity in finding out if he's got it in him, once he's committed to the relationship, then you can't stay with this guy... But I have to say, this kind of neediness does raise a couple of red-flags - it might be worth looking into 'fear of abandonment' (pursuer /distancer) issues - maybe... Good luck with it all...!
Taramere Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 He never said he'd call me back later. He said "I'll see you when I get back." RE: the Joni Mitchell song lyrics for "If." Excuse me for not recognizing Kipling embedded in her lyrics. Not at all. Complete failure to recognise one of the most famous poems of all time is a mistake even a writergal can make. I think you should call your guy up and sing some Joni Mitchell over the phone. How about a little... Are you really exclusive or just miserly? You spend every sentence as if it was marked currency! Come and spend some on me-- Shut me up and talk to me! I'm always talking! Chicken squawking! Please talk to me
Author writergal Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 Stop with the personal attacks now, will you? TaraMere: Grow up.
Star Gazer Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I'm not seeing any personal attacks, WG. You can either amend your "preferences," or continue to be frustrated. It's totally your choice.
Taramere Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Stop with the personal attacks now, will you? TaraMere: Grow up. Oh I'm sorry. I forgot what a deadly serious situation this is.
seoa Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Stop with the personal attacks now, will you? Sweetie - we're not attacking you, we're offering advice, and we're kinda disagreeing with you... It's not because we're mean & nasty... ...it's not because we want to upset you... ......it's because we are all (separately, from our own corners of this world) seeing the same thing, and since you asked for our input, we're responding to that request. Coz that's what we do here on LS... You are not obliged to listen to our advice, but if I were you, I'd at least spend a little time thinking over the same advice coming from many sources... And again - I hope it all works out for you... 1
prettybaby Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Obviously, it didn't turn out that well with your ex ...
loveslife Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Obviously, it didn't turn out that well with your ex ... He had to break up because he kept running out of minutes. 1
Lauriebell82 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I almost stopped right here, because this is all you really need to know. Writer, you are causing needless drama here. It took me almost 3 years to REALLY realize this. Good thing my fiance loves me enough to put up with me. Seriously though, do not push him on the issue. It will backfire.
Lauriebell82 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Writergirl I just thought of something else. I think it was stated by another poster that this man may like a lot of space. If you like regular phone calls/texts, hanging out all the time, assurance that he will call you, ect. then maybe this guy isn't for you. There are lots of guys out there who are not independent, and love to call all the time. Maybe you would be more compatible with that kind of mate. HOWEVER I know first hand that this may not be the best kind of guy to get involved with, my ex boyfriend was very clingy and dependent and he ended up totally taking advantage of me and screwing me over financially because of his issues. So you have to watch your step with that...
loveslife Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Lauriebell, it's already been suggested that he might not be compatible with her. She has refused to answer what it is she likes about the guy and never responded when asked several times why she keeps contacting him when he doesn't do what she asks him to do. None of it makes sense. Writergirl I just thought of something else. I think it was stated by another poster that this man may like a lot of space. If you like regular phone calls/texts, hanging out all the time, assurance that he will call you, ect. then maybe this guy isn't for you. There are lots of guys out there who are not independent, and love to call all the time. Maybe you would be more compatible with that kind of mate. HOWEVER I know first hand that this may not be the best kind of guy to get involved with, my ex boyfriend was very clingy and dependent and he ended up totally taking advantage of me and screwing me over financially because of his issues. So you have to watch your step with that...
prettybaby Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Ok, well, I was bored for an hour and read through all the past threads you started here on LoveShack, and I'm getting a clearer picture now: You're 38Never been in a solid long term relationshipThe ex boyfriend you mentioned in this thread - the one who was so wonderful and showered you with texts and phone calls and affection right from the start - actually dumped you because he felt it was going way too fast and your insecurity and suspicions ruined it.You spent months obsessing over him, after you two had only dated for 12 weeks.You basically have no experience when it comes to healthy long term relationships, and you have never gradually moved from casual dating to solid courtship.You have given yourself sexually way too quickly, even with this new guy. Which isn't something that's necessarily bad, except that in your case, you instantly get very much attached and can't let go. It's a terrible pattern you're stuck in, and apparently repeat it with every guy you meet. You've been on this forum for quite a while now, and never really listened to any advice that people have given you. I think it might be good for you to look into self-help books, or even consider some therapy, or at least some dating coaching. It's obvious that you're dealing with a lot of insecurities and your perspective of men's reactions toward you is completely twisted. You look at them through your own wrong logic, and blow them out of proportion. Your reactions are impulsive and not constructive; they often even trigger the worst outcome. Seeking help somewhere may be the most beneficial step for you to take. I really feel for you. You seem very confused and in a lot of pain. But you need to realize that your own issues (whatever the source of them is) are messing up every attempt you make at starting a relationship with someone. So, I honestly hope that you will seek the help you need. Because the approach you have about relationships will most likely never produce a good outcome. You need to be at peace with yourself before you can start a healthy relationship. I'm not being sarcastic here. This is genuine advice. Good luck.
loveslife Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Seeking help somewhere may be the most beneficial step for you to take. I really feel for you. You seem very confused and in a lot of pain. But you need to realize that your own issues (whatever the source of them is) are messing up every attempt you make at starting a relationship with someone. So, I honestly hope that you will seek the help you need. Because the approach you have about relationships will most likely never produce a good outcome. You need to be at peace with yourself before you can start a healthy relationship. I'm not being sarcastic here. This is genuine advice. Good luck. Wow, good work, prettybaby. Writergal, I feel really bad for you. This is all very sad. You do sound like you're in a lot of pain. I agree that you need help. At the very least a long, hard, honest look at yourself. Good luck!
boogieboy Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 You're 38Never been in a solid long term relationshipThe ex boyfriend you mentioned in this thread - the one who was so wonderful and showered you with texts and phone calls and affection right from the start - actually dumped you because he felt it was going way too fast and your insecurity and suspicions ruined it.You spent months obsessing over him, after you two had only dated for 12 weeks.You basically have no experience when it comes to healthy long term relationships, and you have never gradually moved from casual dating to solid courtship.You have given yourself sexually way too quickly, even with this new guy. Which isn't something that's necessarily bad, except that in your case, you instantly get very much attached and can't let go. Ouch and Ouch. Fair play to you PrettyBaby.
Author writergal Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 Wow. Considering Loveslife and PrettyBaby's relationship history is spotless and perfect, I thank you both for your scathing analysis of my character and relationship history. I think you've thrown just about every stone you can. But I'm sure you'll prove me wrong since according to you both, I never listen to anyone's advice in this forum. At least Lauriebell82 and a few other posters respect my feelings enough, as shown in their posts. Those are the people whose advice I listen to and value, because even if they're harsh with me, at least they respect me enough not to attack my character the way you two seem to relish doing.
Star Gazer Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 WG, I think what PrettyBaby and LL are saying is this: You have yet to have a long-term relationship, and are getting to an age where that's quite unusual. The only common denominator in your failed efforts to find a lasting relationship is YOU. Therefore, you may want to look at what YOU are doing, and what YOU expect, and see if there are some modifications to YOUR own behavior and expectations that might enable you to actually find someone. Unfortunately, we have yet to see any real introspection here...
prettybaby Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I'm sorry you felt like it was an attack, because it really wasn't.
loveslife Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 It wasn't an attack. I hope you get some help.
gopher Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 WG, I think what PrettyBaby and LL are saying is this: You have yet to have a long-term relationship, and are getting to an age where that's quite unusual. The only common denominator in your failed efforts to find a lasting relationship is YOU. Therefore, you may want to look at what YOU are doing, and what YOU expect, and see if there are some modifications to YOUR own behavior and expectations that might enable you to actually find someone. Unfortunately, we have yet to see any real introspection here... Agreed SG! WG, You worry too much, way too soon. It's going to freak any guy out. My suggestion is to work on yourself, and not date for a while. By that I mean, at least 3 months....you need to get to a healthier place. Good luck...
Recommended Posts