Author writergal Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 Boogieboy: The texter guy was introduced to me by a mutual friend. She warned me that he doesn't take no for an answer, hence his wife divorcing him. He even told me that he tends to get his way when he wants something. That totally turned me off. Yeck. So I don't feel guilty about ignoring his latest text. I already told him "no" verbally. I'm not going to engage him in a conversation again when I already told him "why" I said "no." He got a second date because he didn't repulse me on the 1st date, just on the 2nd date. Sometimes it takes 2 dates to confirm whether or not you want to see someone again. You would be correct to say that I am a little needy with the attention. I admit to it. I need constant reassurance from the men I date. And most of the time that scares them away, and quickly. But I can't help that its my nature. I'm a very outgoing, physically tactile, verbal person and you're right...I need to weed through quite a few to find that one man who can handle me in my natural form. No one comes in a perfect package. And I can only tweak so much of myself before I risk crossing that line into changing myself completely for someone else, which I REFUSE to do. But there is one guy out there who won't be bothered by my need for attention. I'm not saying I want him to dote on me 24/7. My god. That's pathological. I just want a guy who pays attention to me, without my having to orchestrate it all the time. I.e. chase.
Taramere Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 This song is perfect advice for all love-gone-wrong situations by Joni Mitchell If you can keep your head While all about you People are losing theirs and blaming you If you can trust yourself When everybody doubts you And make allowance for their doubting too. So now Joni Mitchell is getting the credit for "If"? Jesus Christ. Ugh! Reading the whole thing I see she's even had the cheek to make a few alterations here and there. "Oh, Kipling's like okay - but I think some of this can be improved upon...." As for the neediness. I'm totally with New Again, in what she says here: I don't think it's a game to think about the situation the way I do (or the other half dozen people who said the same thing). That's simply how it can come across, plain and simple. If someone IMed me and I wasn't speaking to them (hint, hint - either "I'm not interested" or "I'm busy"), so they called me, I'd be like wth?? I would think it was either some emergency or I would wonder why the heck they didn't get that I didn't want to talk to them right now; or that they were insecure/needy/clingy; or whatever, depending on specific circumstances. It wouldn't be good though. It's not about playing games. It's about exercising a little adult courtesy in giving person time and space to get on with things they need to get on with. Rather than interrupting them and crying for attention like a 5 year old child.
ebab83 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I think there would have been nothing wrong with calling. It was the scenario that you called in, IMO. He hadn't replied for ten minutes and you were calling already. For instance when I am on IM, I get distracted, go to the toilet, make a drink, without declaring it to people. Maybe he was busy chatting and wasn't on IM to have onl9ine conversations. The way you felt the need to ring to see why he wasn't replying (or thats why it appears to me, and possibly him) is why people think that could have been avoided. Possibly why he could see this as inappropriate, in no way is anyone accusing you of being needy simply explaining it can be perceived as. If I was this guy, i would assume it was a little over reaction. I'm sure we all over think things too much. At least i know i do, what i would advise though is to think that maybe the fact he didn't answer a call or reply to an IM isn't a major deal and that you should put it behind you when he comes back, as opposed to bringing up something that wasn't an issue that could turn into one, if he doesn't see your point of view.
MindoverMatter Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 1. Those verses belong to Kipling. Joni Mitchell just shmalzed it up a little. 2. I think you need to step back. This isn't even a big deal, but you're making it into one. He told you he'd be unavailable while at his parents (and at the stage of dating that you're at, this is reasonable). You saw him online and imed him - which is fine. But when he didn't reply you should have left it. Calling him and expecting him to cater to your needs even though you were told in advance how he was going to behave during this week is not very reasonable. Chill out. Don't call him again. Let him call you. It works best for both sides: he gets his peace and you get him to chase you. If he doesn't, then yes he wasn't into you.
loveslife Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 this thread actually sounds fictional, fishy on a lot of levels. If its real, then the OP should seek proffesional counseling. This was my feeling as well. I find it unbelievable that anyone over the age of 15 would go on and on like this poster does.
Lauriebell82 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I still stand by the fact that you should wait until he comes home to see if he continues to blow you off. We don't know what happened or why he is behaving this way, but honestly, like everyone else in this thread has told you JUST CHILL.
Lauriebell82 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Oh p.s.: Writergirl, if you already had your mind made up that you are in the right and he's not into you then why did you post the thread asking for advice? I realize that the situation is confusing for you, but you did already have your own opinion that he wasn't into you...
loveslife Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Oh p.s.: Writergirl, if you already had your mind made up that you are in the right and he's not into you then why did you post the thread asking for advice? I realize that the situation is confusing for you, but you did already have your own opinion that he wasn't into you... That's why it's so weird and seems kind of unreal. She has already decided he's not into her but this is her second thread on the guy in three days or so. And each of them are about 50+ posts long, at least half of which are her reiterating for about 500 words each post that he's not into her and why.
Lauriebell82 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 That's why it's so weird and seems kind of unreal. She has already decided he's not into her but this is her second thread on the guy in three days or so. And each of them are about 50+ posts long, at least half of which are her reiterating for about 500 words each post that he's not into her and why. Yeah, I just went back and read that thread. I assume that was before he went on vacation with his family? I don't know, maybe I am in the minority on this one, but you shouldn't HAVE to tell a guy to call you. If he is into you he will just do it. I can see it both ways now on this one after reading the other thread. IMO I think you set TOO many boundaries. It just sounds like you are telling him what to do. While I know you don't want him to walk all over you, you also don't want him to feel like you are controlling his vacation. Finding a balance is important as well. I think it could go either way now.
Author writergal Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 Wow, Lauriebell82, TaraMere and Loveslife...I think you're all being a little too harsh with me, but I still appreciate your opinions and do take your feedback to heart. So its not falling on deaf ears by any means. If I seem like I've already decided he's just not that into me, its because it feels that way, hence my post. Its a new guy, new situation, some thing happen that make me wonder, so I post about it here to get other people's feedback based on your own experiences (similar or not). Helps me think things through and process to help me get a wider perspective. If I come across stubborn, well, I can be, definitely. And if I come across repetitive, that's my personality...I externally process things and repeat myself. It's the way my mind works. Everyone is different.
Lauriebell82 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Wow, Lauriebell82, TaraMere and Loveslife...I think you're all being a little too harsh with me, but I still appreciate your opinions and do take your feedback to heart. So its not falling on deaf ears by any means. If I seem like I've already decided he's just not that into me, its because it feels that way, hence my post. Its a new guy, new situation, some thing happen that make me wonder, so I post about it here to get other people's feedback based on your own experiences (similar or not). Helps me think things through and process to help me get a wider perspective. If I come across stubborn, well, I can be, definitely. And if I come across repetitive, that's my personality...I externally process things and repeat myself. It's the way my mind works. Everyone is different. I'm not trying to be harsh. Honestly, I know how confusing a new relationship can be. The "why didn't he call?" phenomenon. I know you are worried and concerned that's why we are advising you to distract yourself until he gets home. I know you think he's not into you-and it could be a possibility-but unfortunately you can't read this guy's mind or predict his behavior. I think my advice (along with others) is good..try your best to relax until he gets home. If he continues to not call or blow you off then you have your answer. All guys are different, some are more independent then others. You don't really know him all that well, after all.
Kamille Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Aie Writergal! Here you go again! I wouldn't be freaking out like this if we had not been physical with each other so quickly into just 4 dates. My experience has (unfortunately) been that what starts quickly, ends quickly where relationships are concerned. From following your threads, I think your biggest issue is that you have no trust in yourself. You've convinced yourself that you've "messed up" by getting physical with him early, and so you can't relax because you feel like you need to fix something. You didn't mess up by getting physical. you're messing up by allowing yourself to feel this insecure about it. Come on, you got physical because it felt right at the moment, right? You enjoyed it I hope? So stop being so harsh on yourself. This guy asked you out again and again, so he isn't judging you on this. There's nothing to fix. You didn't mess up by getting physical! This guy isn't evil-in-control-guy out to get you. He's just a guy looking to date. You're giving him way too much power over you. You're allowing yourself to feel out of control. But wouldn't it have been cute for him to answer my call as he's showing his dad my online dating profile? Ah I see, we have a romantic here. You can't decide what he is going to do or how he should act. Rather, you should evaluate him on what he does do and how he acts. This will help you not get all into him before he deserves him. Let him choose how he shows his affection. Your job is to saty balanced and not make someone the center of your life until he's proven worthy of it. I still stand by the fact that you should wait until he comes home to see if he continues to blow you off. We don't know what happened or why he is behaving this way, but honestly, like everyone else in this thread has told you JUST CHILL. If I seem like I've already decided he's just not that into me, its because it feels that way, hence my post. Its a new guy, new situation, some thing happen that make me wonder, so I post about it here to get other people's feedback based on your own experiences (similar or not). Helps me think things through and process to help me get a wider perspective. If I come across stubborn, well, I can be, definitely. And if I come across repetitive, that's my personality...I externally process things and repeat myself. It's the way my mind works. Everyone is different. Well, we're trying to help. LaurieBell's posts are brilliant here. You're repeating messages to yourself that are detrimental to your well-being (ie, he's not into me, he's not into me). Well you know what, if I feel a guy isn't into me, I step back and let him make the next move. I go to the gym, go see my friends, work, remind myself that I am a happy human being without the object of my affection in my life. To quote Nike, Just do it Writergal, force yourself to snap out of it and start living your life. Don't contact him, let him come to you.
Author writergal Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 Thanks Kamille! You're right! I forget that I have a right to decide for myself. I keep putting the guy in a powerful position and that's just wrong, wrong, wrong. I need to be in that position for myself, first and foremost. I think this is the lesson I fail at every time, and hence have kept repeating throughout all of my dating experiences. I need to trust myself more. That is the biggest lesson in all of this for me. And I need to stop being so insecure and self-doubting.
Patrice Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Best suggestion - expand your support system - then you're covered if he's in to you or not ... if he isn't, you'll have made new connections. If he is, you'll just be more impressive
Author writergal Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 Ha ha Patrice! But thank you! I agree. More connections either way will do me good. He's already lost points with me for not making more time in his day to talk to me the day he was leaving (waiting until late at night to call me, c'mon!, avoidance alert!), then for blowing me off via his IM mesage yesterday and not following up with me afterwards with any communication. Rude behavior all around. And he thinks I'll be sitting by the phone waiting for his call with bated breath? Ha! Not gonna happen my friends! This gal has PLANS for every night of the week. If he really liked me, he would have called me. Plain and simple.
loveslife Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Serious question here. What is it you like about this guy?
Taramere Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 You're repeating messages to yourself that are detrimental to your well-being (ie, he's not into me, he's not into me). Yes, exactly. That's why I loathe that phrase. It's just a negative message that's well meaning in its intention to push people into moving on...but more often than not seems to encourage them to dwell in a sense of not being good enough. Which is possibly one of the reasons you, writergal, are finding yourself being so needy around guys. The more you fret, the more insecurity sets in and that need for reassurance emerges. Which will do you no good at all....and although I'm sorry that you felt pained by the earlier message I wrote, I stand by it. It does look childish when one person pesters another for no particular reason, after the other person has let them know they're busy. It can feel stressful to be on the receiving end of it. I've got a friend who's a bit like that...as much with her female friends as with guys they're interested in. It's what you call high maintenance. It can be hard to keep friendships going if all kinds of drama and hurt feelings ensue from the fact that you weren't available to talk at the precise moment they wanted to talk...and you have to jump through hoops to smooth the waters over. If you're giving out a message like that to a guy right from the start, ie "I need a lot of attention....my feelings are very easily hurt" then even if he's a very nice guy, at a very early point he's going to associate you with feelings of guilt and a sense of pressure. At a time when it really should just be about having fun and getting to know eachother.
New Again Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Yes, exactly. That's why I loathe that phrase. It's just a negative message that's well meaning in its intention to push people into moving on...but more often than not seems to encourage them to dwell in a sense of not being good enough. Which is possibly one of the reasons you, writergal, are finding yourself being so needy around guys. The more you fret, the more insecurity sets in and that need for reassurance emerges. Which will do you no good at all....and although I'm sorry that you felt pained by the earlier message I wrote, I stand by it. It does look childish when one person pesters another for no particular reason, after the other person has let them know they're busy. It can feel stressful to be on the receiving end of it. I've got a friend who's a bit like that...as much with her female friends as with guys they're interested in. It's what you call high maintenance. It can be hard to keep friendships going if all kinds of drama and hurt feelings ensue from the fact that you weren't available to talk at the precise moment they wanted to talk...and you have to jump through hoops to smooth the waters over. If you're giving out a message like that to a guy right from the start, ie "I need a lot of attention....my feelings are very easily hurt" then even if he's a very nice guy, at a very early point he's going to associate you with feelings of guilt and a sense of pressure. At a time when it really should just be about having fun and getting to know eachother. x2 Taramere, I hope to one day be this articulate!
loveslife Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 If you're giving out a message like that to a guy right from the start, ie "I need a lot of attention....my feelings are very easily hurt" then even if he's a very nice guy, at a very early point he's going to associate you with feelings of guilt and a sense of pressure. At a time when it really should just be about having fun and getting to know eachother. Writergal, While I admire your ability to say, this is who I am and I am who I am, I also think it would behoove you to listen to what people are saying. You came here for advice and you have gotten some very consistent advice about how your communication style comes across. It's like saying, well, I like to eat chocolate cake all day but I'm pissed that I've gained weight. Yeah, you might like to eat chocolate cake - and be okay with your desire to eat as much cake as you like - but if you want to lose weight you just can't.
Author writergal Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 Loveslife: There's a lot I like about him. TaraMere, New Again: I see nothing wrong with being high maintenance. At all. But I don't like the way you're portraying me as some sort of clingy, needy woman in your responses. That is not me. I have my insecurities just like everyone else. But that doesn't mean I am a doormat either. Loveslife: And I appreciate everyone's advice don't mistake that. It's all great advice, even if i don't like hearing some of it or don't agree with it. I like your analogy of eating cake/gaining weight with regard to my communication style and reason to post here on LS. I am listening to advice and will take what I feel comfortable with and see what happens.
New Again Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Loveslife: There's a lot I like about him. TaraMere, New Again: I see nothing wrong with being high maintenance. At all. But I don't like the way you're portraying me as some sort of clingy, needy woman in your responses. That is not me. I have my insecurities just like everyone else. But that doesn't mean I am a doormat either. Loveslife: And I appreciate everyone's advice don't mistake that. It's all great advice, even if i don't like hearing some of it or don't agree with it. I like your analogy of eating cake/gaining weight with regard to my communication style and reason to post here on LS. I am listening to advice and will take what I feel comfortable with and see what happens. Well, there is a problem with being high maintenance if you're dating guys who don't like high maintenance women.
Author writergal Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 New Again: You know, I am starting to see that pattern. But ease up. I can't fortell if they're the wrong guys for me until I go out on a few dates. Isn't that how it works for everyone by the way?
Star Gazer Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Guys don't want all that drama. I almost stopped right here, because this is all you really need to know. Writer, you are causing needless drama here. The guy's a jerk in my opinion. No, he's really not. You're assuming that he's a jerk because you don't have an explanation for why he's not responding to your repeated efforts to contact him while he's on vacation with his family. It's been FOUR dates. Calm down a lil'. I think ALL of you are just assuming. You actually have NO IDEA why he never called you back or what happened. You could be right OR wrong. He could be playing it cool because that's the way he is. You said that he was like this before so there wasn't really a sudden change in his patterns. Some men are just like that - they love their space. I think you should step back. Don't do anything rash. Let him come to you. Besides it's been only 4 dates. You're over-analyzing this way too much. If it was after like 3 months, then this would be okay. However, 4 dates is still the territory of "getting to know each other." Since you've already slept with him, you're emotionally connected. I would take a step back. He might not want to rush into things and he might not be comfortable in saying this to you. So, I would take it slow and start talking - don't accuse him of anything. Don't say he's a jerk. Just act normal and try to gather as much info as you can CALMLY. That's the key. Great advice here. Re-read it ten times.
New Again Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 New Again: You know, I am starting to see that pattern. But ease up. I can't fortell if they're the wrong guys for me until I go out on a few dates. Isn't that how it works for everyone by the way? I can't speak for everyone else, but I'm not trying to beat you over the head with it - it just hasn't seemed like you were getting how this all might seem to your date, and that your styles might not match up. His behavior is definitely telling you something (who knows exactly what at this point), but you haven't changed your behavior accordingly at all, and then you're getting mad and frustrated when he still acts the same.
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