He's just not that into you if...

[writergal]

He's not calling you...or blowing you off via Instant messaging.

 

 

Me: Hey, how's your vacation going with your family so far? I've never done this IM thing before. Saw you online and thought I'd say hi.

 

Him: I'm showing my Dad your profile then going to lunch. Sorry I could'nt take your call just now. See you when I get back.

 

Me: My profile? What's going on? Hello?

 

offline...

 

 

I posted about this situation already in the dating thread a few days ago so I won't go into the gory details.

 

This IM session happened by accident this afternoon when I was checking my email that has instant messaging features. I saw his was online, and thought I'd IM him and say "hi." He didn't respond to my IM at first...he waited 10 minutes actually to respond. And in between that 10 minute delay, I tried calling him on his cell and he let it go to voicemail.

 

He's out of town visiting his family for a week. I guess I thought he'd be happy to hear from me, or want to know I'm thinking about him while he's out of town.

 

I feel like he's avoiding me. If you're not interested, JUST TELL ME! You know? He told me when he called me last week from his parents place that he wouldn't be contacting me b/c he "tends to focus on the activities he's doing and the people he's with when he's on vacation." Again that's just code for "avoidance" in my book. Doesn't it seem that way to you?

 

If he was really showing my online dating profile to his dad, you'd think he would at least want to take my call. I mean, I don't show my mother my online dating profile matches unless I'm seriously interested in dating that person.

 

So, why would he say such a thing, then blow me off like he did in his IM message, with no follow up email, text or phone call later tonight.

 

If he's playing the field and dating other women, fine. I messed up by getting physical with him on all four dates, so my attachment is the result of that physical connection. (My fault.) BUT...don't lie to me and say you're showing your father my profile, if you're not even going to talk to me for the week you're visiting your family. That seems really odd to me. No text, no email, nothing.

 

My guy friends (all 4 of them) all concur that this guy's just playing games with my heart. One of them said if he was dating a new woman and had to leave town, he'd still contact her despite that fact b/c he'd want to know if she was at least thinking about him while he's gone. Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but it also provides a convenient excuse to withdraw quickly from someone.

 

So, what? I'm supposed to sit back and pretend nothing's wrong, and pick up right where he and I left off last week, after he gets back into town? He will be back in town in a few days, but I'm peeved about being blown off the way he did today, especially not even bothering to follow up after the IM with a text or email to validate my feelings.

[Lauriebell82]

This IM session happened by accident this afternoon when I was checking my email that has instant messaging features. I saw his was online, and thought I'd IM him and say "hi." He didn't respond to my IM at first...he waited 10 minutes actually to respond. And in between that 10 minute delay, I tried calling him on his cell and he let it go to voicemail.

 

He's out of town visiting his family for a week. I guess I thought he'd be happy to hear from me, or want to know I'm thinking about him while he's out of town.

 

Okay, well he is on vacation. It's a good thing that he is actually talking to your over IM at least! Maybe he was doing something else and didn't see that you IM'd him right away. IMO you shouldn't have called him though, that looks too needy. And you've only been on 4 dates?

 

I feel like he's avoiding me. If you're not interested, JUST TELL ME! You know? He told me when he called me last week from his parents place that he wouldn't be contacting me b/c he "tends to focus on the activities he's doing and the people he's with when he's on vacation." Again that's just code for "avoidance" in my book. Doesn't it seem that way to you?

 

Again, he told you what was up before he left and you STILL contacted him. It may be an excuse, it may not. My fiance went to Vegas with his friends last year and called me twice and 2 texts the four days he was there. Usually when you are on vacation with other people there isn't a whole lot of time to sit around on the phone for extended periods of time.

 

So, what? I'm supposed to sit back and pretend nothing's wrong, and pick up right where he and I left off last week, after he gets back into town? He will be back in town in a few days, but I'm peeved about being blown off the way he did today, especially not even bothering to follow up after the IM with a text or email to validate my feelings.

 

Yup, that's exactly what you should do. Don't sweat what he did, if you give him a hard time about it when he gets back he will perceive it as possessive and needy. If he continues to blow you off (not call, text, hang out) THEN I would say he might not be into you. But for now give the guy a break.

[writergal]

But you're comparing your fiance to this guy I've only known for a month.

 

And I'm the one who initiated the IM because I saw he was online. He didn't initiate it, and he could see that I was online as well.

 

Of course your fiance called and texted you from Las Vegas. You're engaged to him. And four days is different than eight days.

 

I just don't preface to men I'm dating that I'm not going to talk to them when I go on vacation. That seems ridiculous to me, even if I just met the guy. If I like someone, I will at least send them a text especially if I really like the guy.

 

I don't think its needy of me to expect him to want to contact me at least once while he's visiting his family for a week.

[Lauriebell82]

But you're comparing your fiance to this guy I've only known for a month.

 

And I'm the one who initiated the IM because I saw he was online. He didn't initiate it, and he could see that I was online as well.

 

Of course your fiance called and texted you from Las Vegas. You're engaged to him. And four days is different than eight days.

 

I just don't preface to men I'm dating that I'm not going to talk to them when I go on vacation. That seems ridiculous to me, even if I just met the guy. If I like someone, I will at least send them a text especially if I really like the guy.

 

BUT I understand how you are feeling. I too would be a little worried if I was in your situation. It may just be nothing though.

 

I don't think its needy of me to expect him to want to contact me at least once while he's visiting his family for a week.

 

I know he is my fiance, which is the point I was trying to prove. I'm not surprised he's not calling/texting you often, you have only known him for a month.

 

I understand what you are saying that you would never tell a guy you aren't going to call..I wouldn't either. Men think differently though and I bet he told you that so you wouldn't get insecure or upset. It may be legit.

 

I didn't say you were needy for expecting him to contact you. I just suggested that maybe YOU continuing to contact HIM might give off the perception that you are needy. (to him) I am strickly telling you my OPINION on what he may be thinking.

[littlewhiterose]

 

I don't think its needy of me to expect him to want to contact me at least once while he's visiting his family for a week.

 

No, maybe not, but you need to give him enough space to miss you.

[ashleigh422]

I think that it is acceptable what he did. He is with his family. Perhaps he doesn't want to bring his personal (dating) life on vacation with him.. (until things get VERY serious) I think the fact he talked to you and told you he showed your profile to his dad(maybe he is his confidant).. that is asking alot for someone after four dates.

 

I think you should just act like nothing is wrong... Four dates... just keep that in mind.. If you got physical too soon, don't expect his comittment to you to just increase.. we all know that doesn't happen... I think you have no choice but to not act upset. I wouldn't call/text/im him anymore though. When he returns, if he calls, then continue where you left off.. if he doesnt call.. then you know.

 

Please don't write this guy offf just yet.. Seriously.. If i went on vacation with my family right now.. for eight days.. and a guy I dated a few times wanted to chitchat/im.. i would have no choice but to put him off until i returned.. i think it was nice that he forwarned you about his busy schedule and need to spend time with his family (the people he is with)

[Lauriebell82]

No, maybe not, but you need to give him enough space to miss you.

 

Yes!! Play "hard to get" a little...

[writergal]

I'm horrible at playing hard to get because I always give myself up too quickly.

 

Haven't I already blown it, by IM'ing him already?

 

Yes. He did preface to me before he left that he wouldn't have any time to talk to me while he was gone, and if I see it from his perspective then he was trying to be considerate...I guess. But men and women think very differently.

 

Ok. I won't write him off just yet. I wouldn't be freaking out like this if we had not been physical with each other so quickly into just 4 dates. My experience has (unfortunately) been that what starts quickly, ends quickly where relationships are concerned.

 

I do really like this guy and I'm not used to going "silent" with someone I just met. I'm a really outgoing person and I like to be in constant contact with someone new I'm dating. So this will be a learning experience for me, a practice in patience as it were, which I'm already proving to be horrible at, because I IM'ed him, which may have annoyed him since he already told me to leave him alone (per se) while he's on vacation.

 

I didn't think there was anything wrong with saying "hi" via IM. I honestly thought he would like that. I didn't think that would make me come across as needy.

 

I guess I"ll find out when he gets back into town. IF he calls, he will let me know I guess what he thought of my IM'ing. If he doesn't call, well then...

[Lauriebell82]

I'm horrible at playing hard to get because I always give myself up too quickly.

 

Haven't I already blown it, by IM'ing him already?

 

Yes. He did preface to me before he left that he wouldn't have any time to talk to me while he was gone, and if I see it from his perspective then he was trying to be considerate...I guess. But men and women think very differently.

 

Ok. I won't write him off just yet. I wouldn't be freaking out like this if we had not been physical with each other so quickly into just 4 dates. My experience has (unfortunately) been that what starts quickly, ends quickly where relationships are concerned.

 

I do really like this guy and I'm not used to going "silent" with someone I just met. I'm a really outgoing person and I like to be in constant contact with someone new I'm dating. So this will be a learning experience for me, a practice in patience as it were, which I'm already proving to be horrible at, because I IM'ed him, which may have annoyed him since he already told me to leave him alone (per se) while he's on vacation.

 

I didn't think there was anything wrong with saying "hi" via IM. I honestly thought he would like that. I didn't think that would make me come across as needy.

 

I guess I"ll find out when he gets back into town. IF he calls, he will let me know I guess what he thought of my IM'ing. If he doesn't call, well then...

 

The IM was okay, the call could have been avoided. HOWEVER I don't think either will cause him to see a huge red flag and never want to see you again. But I would not contact him the rest of his trip. Who knows, maybe on his way back he may call or text to see how you are doing?

[writergal]

But wouldn't it have been cute for him to answer my call as he's showing his dad my online dating profile?

 

That he let it go to voicemail, and never followed up after that with text or email (i.e. to explain why, and make sure I didn't misinterpret his action), is what bothers me most.

 

And I am uncomfortable with the knowledge that he's shown his dad (and who knows who else in his family) my online dating profile. Like, they're discussing me at length, but I'm the needy one for calling him while he's on vacation discussing his new dating interest with his family?

[Lauriebell82]

But wouldn't it have been cute for him to answer my call as he's showing his dad my online dating profile?

That he let it go to voicemail, and never followed up after that with text or email (i.e. to explain why, and make sure I didn't misinterpret his action), is what bothers me most.

 

Guys don't want all that drama. Believe me. My fiance would not do that now or when we first started dating.

 

And I am uncomfortable with the knowledge that he's shown his dad (and who knows who else in his family) my online dating profile. Like, they're discussing me at length, but I'm the needy one for calling him while he's on vacation discussing his new dating interest with his family?

 

Why? It means he is telling his family he is dating someone new. That's a good sign!

[littlewhiterose]

I think you may be thinking about this too much. He could have said that he showed your profile as a form of flattery or maybe not. You don't know, but til you do, don't go trying to fill in the gaps yourself. You'll drive yourself kah-razy! And make snap judgements/actions that may hurt more than help. The call may have been too much but you know what? It's already happened. So the questions becomes- what do you do from here? I'm with Lauriebell82, I don't necessarily think this is the end either but keep yourself busy. Occupy your time with fun stuff!

[writergal]

So if its a good sign he's showing his dad and whomever else my dating profile (plus any others for all I know since we're not in a relationship), then why would my phone call to him be considered a big mistake? After all, if he's showing me off to his family, why wouldn't he feel comfortable talking to me on the phone in front of them now?

[Art_Critic]

I think you may be thinking about this too much.

 

Yeah.. I agree.. Writergirl, why not let time see if you are right or wrong with this one..

 

It could go either way with this and you are just driving yourself nuts thinking or overthinking all his moves right now..

[writergal]

I still don't understand why my phone call after the IM would be too much. We've already slept in the same bed together after 4 dates. We've talked on the phone plenty of times. So, I guess I felt natural about calling him. I didn't think it was inappropriate or over-the-top. That's what you do when you date someone; you call them on the phone to talk. I didn't know it was a crime to call someone you're dating when they're on vacation. (sorry for my sarcasm here).

 

I am over-thinking this b/c it's a bad habit I have, especially when I don't have all the pieces of information I need from the other person. I try to fill in the blanks with possibilities (aka too much time on my hands).

 

Don't worry. I have plenty to do with regards to my time, that I've procrastinated on because of this new romantic distraction. I just have to be more self-disciplined and less full of self-doubt which is not an attractive trait to potential relationship partners.

[New Again]

I think the point is that you IMed him, and when he didn't respond, you called him. That's needy and comes across as insecure.

 

If you had ONLY IMed him or ONLY called him, it would've been fine.

 

But that's a generalization that we're all making. Maybe he didn't think anything of it.

 

I completely get the showing your profile but not answering your call in front of his parents part. I do the same thing when I'm dating someone new. I *might* show my parents the guy's picture to see what they think or to gush about how cute I think he is. I won't answer if he calls or talk on the phone in front of them. Not until he's important enough/we're serious enough.

[UrKillinMeSmalls]

Not sure what call to make at this point knowing just the info in this thread. He does seem a little flaky.

 

But I can give you an example. I started dating a girl a while back and a month into it she went on vaca. for a week. I can tell you we talked atleast once a day, even if it was brief, mostly at night before bed. She would tell me about what she did that day and I would say how my day went. But the point is, she made a concious effort to get in touch with me and give me a part of her day, even if it was just 15 minutes- while on vacation. And I know I'd have done the same if the situation was reversed. Why? Because we LIKED each other.

 

No matter how busy this guy is, if he was really into you he would make time. Furthermore he'd have plenty to talk about with you.

 

My opinion, based on my experience, is that he's not that into you. Decide what to make of that on your own and either distance yourself from him, or wait till hes back to make that judgement call.

[New Again]

And p.s. is this the guy from your last thread? The one where you said you left it in his hands to contact you, and you WEREN'T going to contact him if he didn't contact you (a text and a phone call if I remember correctly)????

 

What happened to that? Or do I need to go back to that thread to catch something I missed?

[UrKillinMeSmalls]

I think the point is that you IMed him, and when he didn't respond, you called him. That's needy and comes across as insecure.

 

If you had ONLY IMed him or ONLY called him, it would've been fine.

 

IMO this is stupid. Not that YOU are stupid New Again, just that way of thinking.

 

People think there are so many invisible rules and that if you don't walk their fine line perfectly, they won't like you anymore. I think this way of thinking is the result of too much time getting rejected in the dating game.

 

If they like you, they arent going to give a **** that you called after you IM'd or vice versa. If he was genuinely into you, it would take a lot more than that to scare him away. Don't play into the "oh gosh I called him, I shouldnt have, now I look needy, it's over!". Loosen up. It's pretty cut and dry, if doing that seems to be enough to chase him away... then he was already on his way out anyway. Keep dating around.

 

Too many BS rules and games people play. That's why dating can feel like a minefield.

[littlewhiterose]

IMO this is stupid. Not that YOU are stupid New Again, just that way of thinking.

 

People think there are so many invisible rules and that if you don't walk their fine line perfectly, they won't like you anymore. I think this way of thinking is the result of too much time getting rejected in the dating game.

 

If they like you, they arent going to give a **** that you called after you IM'd or vice versa. If he was genuinely into you, it would take a lot more than that to scare him away.

 

I don't think it's stupid at all. TRUE if they like you, they aren't going to give a *****, but until that's been established... Because she's doing all the work, she can't assess his level of interest. THAT's what's driving her crazy.

[New Again]

IMO this is stupid. Not that YOU are stupid New Again, just that way of thinking.

 

People think there are so many invisible rules and that if you don't walk their fine line perfectly, they won't like you anymore. I think this way of thinking is the result of too much time getting rejected in the dating game.

 

If they like you, they arent going to give a **** that you called after you IM'd or vice versa. If he was genuinely into you, it would take a lot more than that to scare him away. Don't play into the "oh gosh I called him, I shouldnt have, now I look needy, it's over!". Loosen up. It's pretty cut and dry, if doing that seems to be enough to chase him away... then he was already on his way out anyway. Keep dating around.

 

Too many BS rules and games people play. That's why dating can feel like a minefield.

 

That's one way of thinking about it.

 

I do agree that if someone has an extremely high interest level, that wouldn't scare them away...however, if he had an extremely high interest level, I think he would be acting differently.

 

I don't think it's a game to think about the situation the way I do (or the other half dozen people who said the same thing). That's simply how it can come across, plain and simple. If someone IMed me and I wasn't speaking to them (hint, hint - either "I'm not interested" or "I'm busy"), so they called me, I'd be like wth?? I would think it was either some emergency or I would wonder why the heck they didn't get that I didn't want to talk to them right now; or that they were insecure/needy/clingy; or whatever, depending on specific circumstances. It wouldn't be good though.

[UrKillinMeSmalls]

I don't think it's stupid at all. TRUE if they like you, they aren't going to give a *****, but until that's been established... Because she's doing all the work, she can't assess his level of interest. THAT's what's driving her crazy.

 

My point still stands. After 4 dates, if she still has to guess if he likes her or not, he probably doesnt. Pretty cut and dry.

[writergal]

Yes, this is the same guy from my previous dating forums thread I posted about.

 

And I'm not going to apologize for IM'ing him. I like him. I wanted to say hi. And when he didn't respond, I called him.

 

I'm with UrKillinMeSmalls on this one: I don't think he's that into me. The morning he left, I sent him a text that said "thanks for a great date, have a safe drive and call from the road to let me know you're safe. Yours <my name>." He waited until late that night to call me, and the call lasted a few minutes. That's when he told me he couldn't talk to me during his vacation b/c he'd be focused on spending time with his family. But seriously! My ex-boyfriend last year spent time at home and still called me every day at night to tell me about his day. The fact that this new guy isn't doing that with me, shows me by his actions, that he's not that interested in me. I found his IM insulting, "see you when I get back."

 

My feelings are hurt because I really like this guy and he knows this. Why wouldn't he want to hear from me while he's on vacation? To screen my call today was insulting to say the least. But he was also like that between our 4 dates in the past few weeks...no follow-up communication in between our dates. All the communication between our dates I've initiated which is not a good sign, is it? No matter how I overthink this, it comes back to me thinking he's just not showing me enough interest...and I can't shake that feeling.

[UrKillinMeSmalls]

That's one way of thinking about it.

 

I do agree that if someone has an extremely high interest level, that wouldn't scare them away...however, if he had an extremely high interest level, I think he would be acting differently.

 

I don't think it's a game to think about the situation the way I do (or the other half dozen people who said the same thing). That's simply how it can come across, plain and simple. If someone IMed me and I wasn't speaking to them (hint, hint - either "I'm not interested" or "I'm busy"), so they called me, I'd be like wth?? I would think it was either some emergency or I would wonder why the heck they didn't get that I didn't want to talk to them right now; or that they were insecure/needy/clingy; or whatever, depending on specific circumstances. It wouldn't be good though.

 

EXACTLY. If he liked her, she would be being treated differently. Kinda sorta doesn't work.

 

But...

 

First of all, if you're ignoring someone just to ignore them or because you dont "feel like talking", then your probably not really into them anyway, which case wtf are you even dating for? Cut the chord, dont get irked because they wanted to talk to you. More games.

 

Sure if she had called him like 5 times and acted pissed when he finally answered it would scare him away even if he were into her. But that's not the case, and that 'fine' line isn't so fine.

 

Think back to your childhood. The little note that said "Do you like me? Check yes or no." THATS the way dating is supposed to be, and that's when its the funnest- in my experience anyway.

[writergal]

I also agree with NewAgain. If he were really that interested in me, he'd be acting very differently. He would have taken my call, when I called him today. Or called me back later tonight, which he never did.

 

The guy's a jerk in my opinion. The question is, now what do I do? Clearly, he's not showing interest in me the way I'm used to from past relationships. So, I could just delete his phone #, and email address and get on with life and over the headache of how 4 dates with him went. OR, I could wait and see if he does actually contact me and confront him about being such a jerk. But he already knows he's not interested, so what good would it do me, to reiterate that to him in person? I'll just look like needy doing that, won't I?