trying to start a casual relationship/FWB

[canadaguy98]

Ok..

I have had three relationships go bust in the past year. The first was my ex-fiancee, who ended up cheating on me then left. The second was this crazy chick that I entered into a casual relationship with while I was getting over the ex-fiancee who hooked me with a kid, and when I found out about the pregnancy, found out that she was actually married. Luckily for me, she miscarried, and with her and her kids living her I realized she was cheating on me, both with her now ex husband as well as other people. I stayed single for a bit and went out dating, and this girl fell from the sky and swept me off my feet; then she turned out to have lied to me about virtually everything and ended up cheating on me when she was living with me.

 

In short... In a way I've had enough of the relationship game. So many false starts in the past year... and I ended up getting screwed.

 

So here is where I'm at.

 

Shortly after (like same day) I broke up with my last girlfriend (for her cheating on me), I met this nice girl who was looking for places to move out from living with her own ex boyfriend... who cheated on her. We got to talking about our situations and kind of hit it off, she asked me out for coffee.

 

I talked to her on the phone for a couple hours a few days later, and on msn a ton, went out with her to the park and for lunch. We hugged but nothing past that, she asked me out on Friday and then on the following Tuesday, suggested if I had nothing going on on my 33rd birthday then she'd take me out to see a movie.

 

I was getting all the signs that she's interested in me, still am. However she just broke up with her boyfriend, and she's feeling really vulnerable. In msn today I was hinting to her that I'm not looking for anything too deep myself but she said she didnt really want to get involved with anyone at the time because shes feeling vulnerable. I feel the same way, honestly as I said in the beginning of my post.

 

What I'd kind of like to do is enter into somewhat of a casual relationship or friends with benefits thing with her. I dont want to sleep with other women, I'd honestly prefer something thats monogamous. Something with a deeper connection makes the sex better anyways. I like the girl and really enjoy talking to her, I dont just want her for sex, I kind of wouldn't mind having a female companion I could do "couple" stuff with but without the expectations.

 

I've never really entered into a relationship like that before from the outset. But I'm feeling like every time I'm truly "single" my mind slowly gravitates towards an obsessive compulsion towards trying to get laid directly proportional to the amount of time since I last got action between the sheets. Usually, what has ended up happening is I find some girl and then progress to getting a real bona-fide girlfriend.

 

Given my luck with women over the past year and a half, I kind of want to forego the "future" and "expectations" stuff for a while and just live on my own with roomates and do my own guy stuff things (not other women at all), focus on my life but have someone to cuddle with and chat with and spend some time with.

 

I dont like random hookups or one-night stands. Been there done that. I'm about to turn 33 in a week. I dont really have any ex-girlfriends I can enter into a friends with benefits relationship with, the closest would be my ex-fiancee and honestly, I dont think either of us could handle that because we were so deeply connected for so long it would probably gravitate towards old patterns and we'd probably kill the friendship that was so hard to build after we broke up.

 

Sundry info:

- the girl i've been talking to and seeing is the same age as me, 33

- she is not really that hot but i really like her personality and honesty and style, i've had girlfriends that are way worse looking than her so that wouldnt be a problem

- i broke up with my now ex girlfriend two weeks ago

- she broke up with her now ex boyfriend about the same time ago

- she has moved out from her boyfriend

- i have kicked my girlfriend out of here and she is no longer living with me

- my relationship was an intense 6 month thing moving a turbo speed until it went supernova (girl had borderline personality disorder)

- her relationship was 2 years but she knew the guy for 11 years

- ive talked to her on the phone 3 times in the past week

- ive talked to her on msn every day since I met her save for a day

- ive seen her twice and we have plans to get together in 2 days

 

--

Any suggestions? I dont want to take advantage of this girl's vulnerability right now or give her the perception that I'm trying to do that. She's really nice and honest. I do like her enough that I'd love to hang out with her a lot, get physical but I also dont want to lead her into a serious relationship, at least not for the time being. I'd be open to leaving it open and not closing the door on it.

 

Help a brutha out. :-)

Thanks

[Forsaken Heart]

The thing is that, you had a lot of romantic times in your life, and as soon as you are out of a girlfriend, your brain automatically looks for one. This should be stopped. Girls aren't toys to play with, you know. The girl that currently is in your life is by no means trying to act like a "girlfriend", but more like a "friend" to you. She broke up with her BF not too long ago and is obviously still in a state of depression. She is just wanting you to cheer her up. No, you shouldn't take advantage of this vulnerability, as she doesn't seem to want that. You are also somewhat of a "sex-lover" (no offence) and you shouldn't be looking at her this specific way. For now, just be with her and help her out in her problems, and make sure not to disclose your personal interest to her, as she might not like it. Be "that close" to her only if she feels the same. Otherwise, not.

Well, that's what I think is best for both you and the girl. Good luck!

[canadaguy98]

The thing is that, you had a lot of romantic times in your life, and as soon as you are out of a girlfriend, your brain automatically looks for one. This should be stopped. Girls aren't toys to play with, you know.

 

I have never looked at girls as toys. I only look at a girl as someone I can build a life with, or have until recently. I am kind of thinking of taking a break from the 'relationship' stuff because i've tried so hard so many times and been led down so many primrose paths only to be screwed by the girl over infidelity or lies or both. I want a companion, but perhaps one that I'm not on the marriage trajectory from the get go with. Casual relationship / fwb / whatever you call it, i just kind of want a fun friend partner that I can hang with and have sex with and not trip about all the expectations for a while. This girl has been through the same thing herself, she's told me her whole relationship history and its not unlike my own. So toy; no. Great companion, perhaps.

 

The girl that currently is in your life is by no means trying to act like a "girlfriend", but more like a "friend" to you. She broke up with her BF not too long ago and is obviously still in a state of depression. She is just wanting you to cheer her up. No, you shouldn't take advantage of this vulnerability, as she doesn't seem to want that.

 

This girl has given me the signals only a siren could give more clearly. She met me at my home looking to rent a room and asked me out for coffee. I went out with her to a walk in the park and lunch and she not only asked me out the following Friday but also the following Tuesday. She has talked to me every single day by some means of communication and also talked about relationship expectations, made statements like, "With me, this is what you get" and "The person I'm in a relationship with, can expect this of me". Its a bit confusing.

 

Just today I was talking with her on the phone. She said that she almost came to my place to stay the night here because she was having a hard time staying at her new place (post-ex-bf) alone. I just recently met this girl. Yes we've hit it off quite well but looking at my place as a better alternative to come and sleep here; thats a weird signal. I'm quite aware of falling into the 'friend' vibe; it's like a black hole you'll never get out of. Once a woman determines you to be a 'friend' your never getting past it except in exceptional circumstances. I'm not really getting that vibe at all from her.

 

You are also somewhat of a "sex-lover" (no offence) and you shouldn't be looking at her this specific way.

 

No i dont take offense to that. Yeah I love sex. I know lots of girls who do love sex; I dont think this has much relevance other than that I sure would love to have more sex than I've been having in the past month and of course thats why I'm looking around and dating girls. I dont really know what point there is to any form of dating, other than (a) meeting a fulfilling lifelong partner or (b) finding someone with whom you want to have sex and consummating the affair. Option © which is meeting someone cool you can be friends with; is kind of a great alternative to a and b. You almost say this as if it's a bad thing.

 

I dont mean to be confrontational; of course if I refute every suggestion people make while soliciting advice I may as well have never asked for it in the first place. However you seem to have gotten me and my description wrong; for one this girl gives me signals like any other of the 20 different girlfriends I've had in my life that she is in fact every bit interested in me 'that way'. For two I dont just want her for sex - part of the reason I want the FWB or casual relationship with her in the first place is that I really enjoy talking to her and like her as a person and want to care for her and be good to her in the first place.

 

I dont want a meaningless '**** buddy'. I would like to enter into a casual meaningful FWB or casual relationship with this girl without dragging her straight to another relationship really quickly. We're both 33 years old, so thers no young naiivete here, no need to protect the damsel in distress. Perhaps it wont work out at all.

 

But I talked to her for 90 mins on the phone tonight. Seeing as this is a girl I just met four days ago its kind of hard to beleive she isnt at all interested in me. Maybe I'm wrong. thoughts?

[stepka]

It sounds like she could be a good candidate for a FWB thing, but the problem is that she is very vulnerable right now and will get hurt very easily. I thought I wanted that type of relationship too when I first got unmarried, but I figured out very quickly that it wasn't going to work for me. I have come to the conclusion that men get more benefits than women do, even if the women are just as interested in sex, b/c our feelings get more involved, even when we don't want them to. So my advice is, proceed slowly b/c a good FWB should be cultivated as carefully as a "real" relationship or it won't work.

[aerogurl87]

What I'd kind of like to do is enter into somewhat of a casual relationship or friends with benefits thing with her. I dont want to sleep with other women, I'd honestly prefer something thats monogamous. Something with a deeper connection makes the sex better anyways.

 

I stopped right here because what your asking for is near impossible. I've had FWB relationships before and there is one thing that is always lacking when I've had them: a deep connection. Sure the guy may have been my best friend whom I could always confide in, but when it came to sex it was just that, sex. Also the sex was monogamous but I know I wasn't, which helped keep that line between the realm of being a couple and just being FWB very clear. I wasn't sleeping around, but I wasn't acting like I was in a monogamous relationship either.

 

So basically what I'm saying is that what your wanting is a girlfriend without the title, which has been in my experience always a bad idea. That's what this other guy I dated wanted and well it didn't work out too well. Someone will always want more when you try to invoke some type of emotion into a relationship that should primarily be void of any emotion at all.