icyness Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 I don't even know where to start, this is undoubtedly going to be long, but interesting nonetheless if you're willing to read through it. After having NC for roughly 2 months, I took a chance and began talking to him again. (I made a thread about it that he did indeed find someone else.) Even knowing this, I made the decision to keep talking to him and try to be friends. (I know, I know.) I basically lost my mind or what was left of it and did some very dumb things in the past few weeks. Although he was being very stand offish, we started talking again. I was trying my best to be casual and nice, and I eventually got some answers out of him that I wanted as far as his new girlfriend. I got her name and where she was from, so I of course went on FB to look her up. The only problem was how would I know it was her unless by some miracle he was in a photo with her? All I had was a first name and state. After looking through page after page, I was about to give up. For whatever reason, I decided to click on the next page and there he was with her...I was in shock I was able to find it. Not only that, but my expectations were not at all met. Don't get me wrong, I don't think anyone is ugly, I don't even like the word. However, she was not at all what I was thinking, not his type at all either from what I saw. I thought this would make me feel better; it did for a day or two. Then I realized it didn't matter how she looks or what they don't have in common...he was with her. So what do I do? Why I make a fake FB of course to get on there and see everything. Very gutsy, but I find his as well once she accepts me and request him too. So this whole time he has no idea it's me on there and I'm dying of course to go off on him for many reasons. On the photos of them together, the dates were before he even broke up with me. It should not have come as a shock to me by this point after all he put me through, but he did indeed cheat on me and lie his ass off about it. Not only that, but his mom lied to me too. After about a month into the break up I spoke with her a few times and she assured me it was no one else, he just wanted to be single, blah blah...well there are photos of him taking her home for a weekend when we were still a couple for ****s sake! I'm sure she did it to an extent to spare my feelings, but god, I could have began healing so much sooner had I known the full truth of everything 3 months ago rather than just now starting. They all must think I'm a fool. So it's a few days into us talking and although he's being very cold and me knowing he lied, cheated, etc. I keep up with it determined to stay in his life. When hs stopped talking to me for a few days, I get stupid and desperate... I told him I was assaulted. He tells me the only way he'll keep talking to me is if I do the right thing and tell my dad, etc. I promised I would, but never did of course as it wasn't true. No excuse for this, I got desperate and wasn't thinking. Last weekend he tells me he just can't talk to me anymore because he simply can't trust me, he feels I still want him and am up to something. I freak out and do all the things (again!) you're not supposed to. Here's where there comes yet another twist, but a true twist. I email him telling him I believe I found his girlfriend on myspace (nothing about FB as I don't actually use it and he still doesn't know I went on there as a fake) and that if he doesn't talk to me and come clean about everything (when he really found this girl, if she even knows he cheated, etc.) that I'd message her telling her he was still with me when they got together and that he left me pregnant with his child that I miscarried about 2 months prior...which is true. I didn't tell anyone about being pregnant and miscarrying the entire time as I wanted to keep it between us, but he refused to have anything to do with me. So, my dad comes home one day and calls me downstairs because he gets a call from his mom and wants to know if he should know anything before he calls her back. I told him I emailed (ex's name) giving him one last chance to talk to me before I go to his new girlfriend, and that there's more to it than that but it's very private and I didn't want to tell him. He's of course pissed because he's had it by now with the whole break-up mess and just wants me to forget him. By this time, I get so tired of everyone thinking I was just crazy not wanting to leave him alone when there was more to it than that; I knew for a fact my ex never even thought twice about me telling my dad about being pregnant when he left me because I'm such a private person and I'd die if my dad knew, but I didn't care anymore. What else do I have to lose at this point when all my dignity and shame has already flown out the window. So as much as I didn't want to, I told my dad everything, and, in a small addition that I did lose my virginity to him thinking he was the one forever and all that painful cliche stuff which is also true. He's upset and shocked with me, but also a bit more sympathetic as to why I've been taking everything so hard. He calls my ex's mom back ready to tell her everything, but it turns out she was calling because my ex told her I was assaulted and he thinks I didn't say anything to my dad. So, my dad rushes off the phone to come ask me about this and I tell him I made it up so he would talk to me. He doesn't want to talk to his mom because he wants to just forget all of them and for me to move on, but I insisted he tells her everything as I can't stand the fact he got off scott free with all of this, and I wanted to send him an indirect message through his mom he can't come into my life, do this to me and get away with all of it. Plus I just felt his mom should know since he can do no wrong in her eyes...the Momma's boy. At this point my poor dad is on the verge of a heart attack I'm sure, and we talk for a few days before he finally calls my ex's mom back to let her know I'm fine, it wasn't true, and that I was pregnant when he left me. She said "well (ex's name) told me she was going to email his girlfriend and tell her that, but I'm sure it's not true." Oh it's true, my dad assured her. "Did he tell you he charged the pregnancy test on amazon and had it sent to her.?" I feel extremely lucky that he did indeed charge the test on his credit card as that may have been my only proof. So, I don't know what she did with this information, I'm sure she talked to him about it and told him I lied about being assaulted, but I've not hard anything from him in a week, and I don't know what the hell he's thinks of me at this juncture. I know it was incredibly stupid to lie about what I did. Everything else though, I just felt so out of control and helpless. Here I was apologizing and being kind to him after everything he put me through, and now everyone knowing he cheated on me and left me while I was about 8 weeks pregnant...I still love him, I don't know the hell why. I just can't put my head around any of it and am miserable. My dad wants me to stay away from him forever, yet I keep secretly hoping his new relationship fails and we end up back together. Was I really better off not knowing anything and seeing his new girlfriend? Probably. At the same time though, when I want to know something, I go to any lengths to find out, so I feel it was only a matter of time before it unraveled somehow. The worst part is (besides still being in love with him) I'm still on FB on that fake account, not on hers anymore, but his. And I still want to so badly message his girlfriend and tell her everything. I know it would ruin what they have and probably make him hate me if he doesn't already, I'm just so damn furious; she hasn't a clue what he did or that I even exist I'm sure. The only reason I'm not doing it is because I promised my dad I wouldn't. So, in a nutshell, that's what I've been up to the past few weeks. I can't stop thinking about any of it for a second, and I still want to be with him. I feel stuck in time ever since 3 months ago, and I now feel even more lost than I first did. I hate who I've become because of all this.
angelface78 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Im so sorry about all this. I totally understand about the facebook thing. My exfiance has a little rebound himself and when i found her myspace she is totally not his type AT ALL!! To this day i dont understand it..but men are weird!! I also felt better but like you it didnt last. Hes with her and thats all that matters. Its painful and im sure you are in a lot of pain. I dont think you should have tried to even be friends with this guy to begin with but after you found out he cheated you should have never spoken to him again!! On top of all that made up lies about being assaulted. I know i know how it is when we get desperate..we do crazy things, but now look what has happened..his mom now knows and your poor dad. I say you never talk to this jerk ever again. Delete him and her off that fake account. You are only torturing yourself by looking. Ive had the chance to tell my ex's little rebound that i am his exfiance of 5 years and that i bet she didnt know that ...but i have too much class for that!! I will let their little fling fall apart on its own. If you tell her you will only bring them closer together and he wil hate you. Im sorry you are going through this its sooo hard i know...but hang in there. You dont need this cheating jerk in your life. You deserve somebody honest who loves you.
BW007 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Icy What the hell? You brought so much drama to the situation it is incredible. You have for sure poisoned the relationship for good. Never again will you be trusted and his and your family is against the toxic interaction. Its over and the sooner you walk away and really heal the better off you will be. It is your manipulations that are the scariest thing about this. FB stalking is one thing but facehacking and lying about getting hurt? So dangerous and horrible and worst of all desperate. As you know, I am usually on your side on here and supportive of you but you have to get as far away from this as possible. OK, so as far as the pregnancy, that was probably a pretty good indicator to your ex that things were a huge mess. Yeah, he is a scumdog, but if roles were reversed, what would you think of your actions. Don't bring a bunch of crazy into your next relationships.
Exit Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I agree with BW, the lying about assault really stuck out to me too, what were you thinking? You're trying to make your ex look bad for lying about when he met his new GF, yeah that's awful, but two wrongs don't make a right and you've been up to your own lying. Worst of all, I thought the only silver lining here would be that you're finally ready to let go, but you summed it all up by hoping that you'll end up with him again? I know how you feel about feeling stuck in time because of how much you've been focused on this. I still cannot believe my relationship has been over for almost 6 months, I've thought about it every day and it feels like it just happened. You need to break that cycle.
Author icyness Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 I won't make excuses for the wrong I did, and it was a lot. I feel awful for letting so many things snowball instead of initiating NC again and staying with it, you guys are right. It doesn't change the fact however he cheated, lied, left me in a very vulnerable position and never once admitted it or apologized. Mind you, this all just occurred in the past week. It's been 3 months since he left me and prior to any of this, not once did he try to tell the truth to anyone or apologize for leaving me the way he did/what he did. Please understand I'm not making excuses for my doing after things got bad, I know I was wrong and that's why I did not leave any of it out. He however messed up from the start and refuses to admit any wrong doing whatsoever, that's the difference, he was like this from the beginning of leaving me, the only thing that changed is my blowing up recently after finding out so many things.
BW007 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Icyness I cannot completely claim I am 100 per cent innocent of trying to do crazy, desperate things to get my ex back. When I found out that my ex was cheating (with guy number two) I had looked at her text history super early in the morning and there it all was. I immediately called the guy and said " What the **** are you doing messing around with my girlfriend?" Meanwhile my ex is screaming at me "I hate you" Guess who she is having a kid with and lives with 1 and 1/2 blocks from here? him. But you know what? I don't want a kid with her sneaky, cheating, not very smart ass. I even tried to save it a week after finding out. Now it has been six months of NC and I have yet to even get laid again because it was so destructive to me.Who to blame for that? I am. But finally I at least don't like her much anymore. I could not believe who she turned out to be for the longest time because I was blinded by love...still am at times. My point is MOVE ON. You are cute, young, (crazy as hell) and it is time to get past this craziness. This is a wake up call that you are NOT in an adult, healthy relationship so grow up from this, and learn to find one and do not throw yourself a pity party.
Author icyness Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 BW, I am very sorry that happened to you. And you're right, I am basically insane at this point. That's exactly why I said I don't like who I've become since all of this. I don't want to feel sorry myself nor do I want anyone else to, I'm just so blown away at all of it still; I'm still in shock and even somewhat denial he did this to me, and I hate that I still love him, but I do. I know I have no choice but to move on and I know the pain will lessen in time, but it's going to be a while before I can really feel good again. I feel so stripped of me.
Beeotch Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 WOW Well icy....I am a bit, well heck, extremely shocked by this. We don't know each other personally but I felt I sort of connected with you earlier when you first came here telling your story, and you did seem, pretty level headed. I am not going to bash you and carry on about how incredibly crazy what you did was...as it is evident that you already know and have already admitted it so I will not be redundant. It was NOT okay but you already did it and hopefully you learn from it and NEVER do something like that again. I am sorry about all you have gone through with your ex. But let this be a lesson to you that: the sweetest revenge is moving on with your own life and doing you. You said he got off scotch-free, but you don't know that or you didn't. I do believe strongly that there are consequences to all actions good or bad and that it is best to leave it in the hands of "the universe" versus taking matters into your own hands. Revenge MOST OFTEN backfires...as you can clearly see now and trust me...it would have been better off if you had sucked it up and let it unfold in its own time. I am sure you feel no more relieved now and in it all he came out looking like a victim and you had all this embarrassment to face. Trust me...he did not get off scotch-free. But you kind of made matters worst by trying to ensure he paid, that just made you pay some more instead. So lesson learned for future...never try to get revenge. I suggest you DISAPPEAR out of his life and circle and start over. I honestly feel like there is no recovering from this now. Nothing is impossible but I do feel this entire scenario was outlandish and even if you can apologize it will not be genuine or mean anything until MUCH time has passed. He lied to you, he did a lot of wrong stuff....leave him be to face it. Why try to sabotage his "relationship"....this new chick has this lair on her hands now...SHE will have to see for herself. No one was around to warn you about him...so she has to learn on her own. He is NOT the best thing since and your mind is playing tricks on you for wanting him back.....DISAPPEAR from his life please. For your sake. Think of it like a diet and work out plan...it is hard as hellll, sometimes you don't want to, it hurts but in the end you are stronger, healthier and have the results you want. Disappearing and working on making your life better and healing from your emotional pain about your miscarriage and the break up will not be easy but it will be a work out plan that is building you up to be the incredible woman you appear to be...no matter how much you feel like cheating (facebooking his girl, calling him, etc) just think of how horrible it will be and just keep on pushing on to the prize of being where you need to be. With everyday you ignore him and do something good for you...imagine that you are walking on a staircase where the steps are his body and you are stepping on him, the pain, the hurt the lies etc alll the way to the top!
Author icyness Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 Bee, thank you kindly for taking the time to say something. I can't begin to imagine how it looks to you all, and again I don't want to make excuses for myself, but I really am not this bad of a person normally. I think a lot of it may have to do with the fact that I've been such a doormat my entire life, I let people get away with things and step all over me. I felt I was wronged in a big way and the longer I thought over everything he did to me, the more the anger built up while I spent the past 3 months being as kind as I could to him. I couldn't take it anymore and I went nuts essentially. Still no excuse, but yeah. And you're right, the thing (the only thing) for me to do at this juncture is disappear. He may have messed up a lot of things, but so did I in the end. I may have wanted him to pay, but now I must for my actions as well.
Ilovecake Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I don't know how to say this in a nice gentle way but I suggest you get some therapy right away, for your own sake as well as the people around you. Not only are you making yourself way more miserable than you need to be but you’re pulling people into your drama that should have nothing to do with it. Why in gods name would you involve his mom and your dad if you’re such a private person? You do realize that what you're doing is considered stalking. Lying about being assaulted is the lowest thing I've read on this site. Do you really want this guy bank on those terms?
Author icyness Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 ILC, I avoided pulling anyone into it up until last week. The only reason his mom got involved is because he involved her by talking to her about us since we broke up; (thus me talking to her in the beginning even though he continued to talk about us to others while I tried to keep my mouth shut.) I know what I did was low, I admitted that from my first post. I can't take it back or be anymore apologetic for it than I already am. I'm not asking anyone to feel sorry for me or even sympathetic, simply a tiny bit of understanding I suppose as we've all done dumb things before. This was the dumbest and lowest thing I've done in my life, I'm only human and reacted to a bad situation without thinking. If I thought what I did was just fine and dandy I could see where I need help, but I very much acknowledge my mistakes in all of this. It was simply a bad situation all around, and rather than thinking with my head, I let my heart/emotions take over. It hurt like hell, still does, half of it is my fault as much as it is his, and the sting of it will teach me a lesson for sure.
Beeotch Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Bee, thank you kindly for taking the time to say something. I can't begin to imagine how it looks to you all, and again I don't want to make excuses for myself, but I really am not this bad of a person normally. I think a lot of it may have to do with the fact that I've been such a doormat my entire life, I let people get away with things and step all over me. I felt I was wronged in a big way and the longer I thought over everything he did to me, the more the anger built up while I spent the past 3 months being as kind as I could to him. I couldn't take it anymore and I went nuts essentially. Still no excuse, but yeah. And you're right, the thing (the only thing) for me to do at this juncture is disappear. He may have messed up a lot of things, but so did I in the end. I may have wanted him to pay, but now I must for my actions as well. I can definitely tell you're not a bad person. Pent up emotions, stress etc cause people to literally go temporarily insane and I believe that was what happened. Let it be a lesson learned as well that suppressing your true feelings and "playing nice" essentially kills you. You might be a people-pleaser. I am very compassionate and it is hard for me to be mean and I give a lot of chances BUT a while back I learned I can't be nice to the point it damages me. You should have never felt obligated to "be nice" to him. As long as you do not harbor hatred and go out of your way to hurt someone is what matters....BUT never fool yourself into believing you need to go out of your way to be nice either. Further I think you were being nice for the wrong reasons. You're a smart girl, you have a conscience and you can reflect. You'll be fine You can put this in your book of mistakes you're allowed to make and I know you will come out on the other side a better person for it.
Surfer Girl Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Sometimes when we learn about something we did not expect.... the emotions can overcome any kind of reasoning....we do things we never thought we could..... desperation is the key word.... it is just the after affects that makes us realize how much the emotions take over..... Being out of control to a certain degree because we don't want to accept the reality..... Now we know we can't control the situation anymore and best to let go.... as that is the only way we will ever really know.....
Author icyness Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 *Hugs* Thanks a bunch Beeotch; it really means a lot especially right now. I've been feeling like the universe against me; you really are a sweetheart.
hoping2heal Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 Icy, you sound young. Yeah, you did a lot of things you're not proud of, nor should you be but you recognize that now right? This isn't the end of the world, and I know you may not feel like it now, but it isn't the end of the world that things have to come to a close with this guy. The good news is you were saying you hate who you've become since knowing him right? Well, A) that's a pretty good indicator a relationship isn't good for us B) you can do something about it. Just in the way you started lying, and contriving, and making all these things happen? You can set it right. You can take yourself off his facebook, you can walk away from all that and start your life over. You can focus on rebuilding and honesty and work on improving the relationship with your father. You can start being honest with the people who ARE and will be in your life and you can slowly but surely, with consistency and hard work; prove to others and YOURSELF that you are still worth a damn and you don't have to just become the events that have taken place here. Good for you for having the courage to even put something like that out there, Not many people ever have the guts to do something like that, which tells me there IS hope for you and there IS a good person under there.
Author icyness Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 Thank you very much h2h. xo
GrayClouds Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 icyness read this first post, it may be helpful: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t204079/
Jmina Posted September 29, 2009 Posted September 29, 2009 ICY! icy, icy, icy... How are ya love? Look... this situation isn't confusing at all. i know exactly what you have to do. But first you need to get a grip on yourself. I dont know if your waiting for someone to tell you to get the hell off facebook or not, but either way "GET THE HELL OF FACEBOOK!" First of all... youre obsessive. How do i know? because i have done exactly what you have done. Youre not insane, your not stupid, your not even icy youre having an EXTREME reaction to the breakup. When i am able to break apart all the out of control things you have done, i can see you are really intelligent, sensitive, you have a conscience (believe it or not) and youre deeply loving. you are also desperate. and searching. The things you have done, well, they werent done in your finest hour however it is nothing to label yourself on. There a few things you could do, to continue healing, to get some control and some peace of mind. You REALLY need to do something about this facebook thing. The stalking, obsessing, and controlling, hun, it's gotta stop! can you do this? The fact that you are stalking your ex, and obsessing amongst other things tells me you have invested, thought up, hoped, installed (whatever you wanna call it) an outcome between you and your ex. You want a certain outcome and you are doing as much as you can (and sneakly mind you) to find a way or to hold onto that hope till he miraculously comes back. Something also tells me, that you have manipulative side to your personality at the moment... you might not know that youre doing it, sometimes when we are desperate enough we try to get others to feel a certain way by lying, we sort of fall into a 'victim' role and play it along until we get what we want... we know its wrong, but at the time of doing it, we cant see it for what it is. we cant see the cost of it. I'm sure you don't want to be sneaky, manipulative, obsessive etc and we both know that it isn't you at all. It's just a role youre playing while your trying to cope with it all. Somewhere a long the line you have acted like this this before and it has worked for you to cope with something. So you are reverting back to it, but the more you do it, the harder it is to stop!!! So Here come the steps. Hopefully by now, you have realised that this is nothing to do with youre ex and EVERYTHING to do with you. which brings me to step one. FEELINGS. you need to get off that computer, and change your patterns. you have all these feelings inside you, but instead of listening to them and letting them release, youre desperately trying to act on them. This pulls you futher away from yourself and closer to your ex directly putting you into a mouse wheel. round and round and round you go. what are you feeling? try just stopping for a moment, and breathing, and let your feelings, pains, come and go. Don't think anything to fuel the pain, just be, and let it come out. If youre angry at your ex, then you need to realise that and stop acting on it. you must release the anger - which means accepting you feel angry as hell. do what you can do let it all come out. break old plates, drive an hour away to a deserted beach and scream and throw rocks, drive anywhere and play loud music and scream out the lyrics, yell into a pillow under loud music, punch your bed, punch a pillow, youre angry! youre angry that he left you , youre angry that he cheated on you!! he did so much to you that has burnt, and it needs to come out. If none of that is your style, go to the gym, go for a run, do something physical to release it. There is SO much you can do for yourself!! as this is all about yourself! If youre sad, then cry youre heart out as much as it takes to release that sadness, or simply sit in the sadness that engulfs you and accept how ****ty and sad you feel. and let it be. dont go to his photos and be sad. go to your room and feel your own personal feelings. as this is all about yourself! At the moment your probably in denial, feeling mostly sad, and out of control, maybe numb. please please stop trying to control your outcome and start listening to your feelings. as long as you honour whatever feeling is there youre spirit will take you on the right track. you learn how to cope a healthy way. you will be able to stop stalking and obsessing, or greatly lessen it, until you realise you have other means and ways to get from a to b. let your ex live his life and you live the life you are meant to live. not the one you planned. Make it about you. honour your feelings. and you will be amazed at what you can accomplish. Check out my post 'if i can do it, you can too' Keep posting. i hope this wasnt too long or drawn out. i hope i was able to help you, im sorry if any of it was hard to hear. Jmina x
Author icyness Posted September 29, 2009 Author Posted September 29, 2009 Wow, that was so very sweet of you to take the time to make such a post; thank you Jmina. And thanks for posting Jmina's thread Gray, it was indeed helpful as she described exactly what I'm sure most if not all of us feel/go through when we are left by someone we love. I know I'm basically torturing myself and stalking him, I won't lie and say I've stopped/deleted the accounts, his emails, his things, because I have not yet. I don't know why I haven't just done it already, no good whatsoever comes of it, and yes you're exactly right Jmina, I keep hanging onto every little thing in hopes of something...anything occurring in the future with him; I need to just let go which I'm not letting myself do. I know everyone can tell me until they're blue in the face (and many have!) but it is ultimately up to me. It's such a twisting feeling being so angry at him, basically hating him only to still love him at the end of the day. I know even if he dropped her for me tomorrow, it's no good after all that's happened. A lot of times lately, I can't decipher if I'm really longing for him, or what I felt when I was with him. Unfortunately, I have so many connections and firsts with him, I'm pretty sure there will always be something in me that feels I want him back. I know more than anything I need time; so difficult to let it just pass while being patient, but I'm trying, minute by minute. Thanks so much again Jmina, you're so thoughtful and quite understanding. xo
Author icyness Posted October 1, 2009 Author Posted October 1, 2009 Thanks JG. I'm not sure how young everyone thinks I actually am, but I'm not that young, 24. And I guess part of the problem may also be I was with someone before him for 9 and half years, I went straight form him (which was a bad relationship) to my now ex. I basically don't know what it's like to be single as I have not been until now for half my life.
GrayClouds Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Thanks JG. I'm not sure how young everyone thinks I actually am, but I'm not that young, 24. And I guess part of the problem may also be I was with someone before him for 9 and half years, I went straight form him (which was a bad relationship) to my now ex. I basically don't know what it's like to be single as I have not been until now for half my life. I suggest this book: Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson
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