Such a big loss

[JaggedRoad]

Hi everyone. It's day 8 of my NC, and 53 days since the break-up. I've been trying what I could to keep myself busy and reacquaint myself with life without her. I reconnected with friends whom I haven't seen in years and become somewhat more outgoing. But the reality seeps in, and I still have to cope with the fact that she's no longer here. All these things that I am doing now was possible even when I was with her. I made my ex the center of my world, but there were other things that I surrounded my life with. Now that she is gone, there's a huge void that I find extremely hard to fill.

 

I'll be very blunt and say this: life is boring. Life is always boring no matter how much you have or how many people you know. The only way to enjoy life is to share it with someone else--someone intimate. Sure, you may love yourself and being single, but that's so lonely. The monotony of life is only bearable when you have someone else to enjoy it with.

 

Last night, I met up with a friend whom I haven't seen in over three years. He's the same age as I am (21), and he's sick of having just seeing girls and having sex with them here and there. He told me that it's fun, but it gets so boring after a while. He wants to find that right person and settle down, and I hope he finds what he's looking for.

 

For me, I definitely lost a chance at happiness when my ex left me. Don't get me wrong, I can enjoy my life without her. It's less stressful and I only have to worry about myself, but that gets boring. It's so boring. There's no one to share my life with intimately and no one to always be by my side.

 

I've been told time and time again by countless people that it will get better and I will find someone better. I know it's true too, but it's going to be a boring and lonely journey from point A to point B.

 

I still have so much that I want to discuss with my ex and finally cry it out with her, but I don't want to resort to that. She made her choice to end the relationship and cut me out of her personal life. She wanted us to remain as close friends, but we all know that it's nearly impossible for that to happen when you've been with a person for so long. It's pretty much a slap to the face and kick to the groin.

 

I'll end this post here because I forgot how I wanted to continue.

[Phedre]

Jagged, man hang in there.

 

I'm sure it feels frustrating that you are ;doing all the right things' but aren't seeing the 'right results'.. but really you are, you have made it 8 days NC and that is something to be proud of. I especially admire it since my H and I just decided on getting a D yesterday and ever since then I have been literally fighting myself to not pick up the phone and call him just so I can hear his voice.

 

I too made my spouse the center of my world and part of my hurt is that here I am 2 1/2 years later with nothing to show (living back with parents, no job due to moving for husband's job, no financial security, no PLAN and I am a big planner) except a broken heart. I understand the big empty hole left behind. I feel like my world has totally shattered in two. There is nothing wrong with loving someone with all you have, we should both be proud we had the courage to give our all, it takes guts.

 

As far as the boring without someone else part, it is human to want companionship and you WILL meet someone who wants to also make you the center of their world and love you just as much as you love them.

 

Just like you I feel the desire to call my ex and re-hash everything, but what more is there left to say? Sure I want him to finally acknowledge how painful his cheating is and not downplay it as 'only' an EA but it really doesn't matter what he says now, I know what he did was wrong. And I'll never ever understand why he wasn't willing to fix it. Why our marriage and love wasn't enough motivation for him? But I'm trying to re-program my brain to stop worrying about him (So feaking hard when you love someone and are used to do it). I have to worry about me. Just like you have to take care of yourself too by continue doing the things you are doing and don't take steps backwards by wanting anything from your ex.

 

And yeah, my ex and I 'want' to be friends too, but I know that we will always keep trying to get bac together and make it work only to end up right back in the same spot with the same issues... i know from past experience with him. And it is just WAY too painful. As mature as I try to be, no f'ing way to I want to see FB pics of him and some new chick. It would not be pretty. There is too much 'past' with people that have been together as long as we have been withour respective ex's, you can turn that in to 'just friends', it would never be platonic, in my opinion.

 

It must get better or else everyone else wouldn't say it

[JaggedRoad]

I know it will get better, but it doesn't feel that way when you're walking down this road.

 

I'm really hurt and confused over the break-up. I was the center of her world too, but I suddenly got erased just like that. It would be a lot easier to cope if I knew that she didn't love me as much as she did.

[wondering_girl]

hi jaggedroad, i'm sorry we're giong through this. my bf of 4 years "erased" me out of his life too, over something petty, and still refuses to talk to me and after all those time - things we went through, he treats me like i'm some type of a "disease" or just an old pair of shoes that was USED so he threw me away, simply without saying anything at all.

 

i definitely get you about the boring part, yeah i have lots of friends too but it's not the same, often when i'm out i see things and think about him saying oh he would think this is neat if he was here, but the thing that i have to ACCEPT now, even if it's the HARDEST PILL to swallow is he's gone, THEY'RE GONE.

 

i feel like he broke my heart, i tried to pick up the pieces, but while picking up, he pushed me on the ground.....

 

i hope it gets better but i dunno seems like i feel worse everyday. did you guys have a closure?

[JaggedRoad]

You poor thing. I too felt like I was pushed back onto the ground by her when I tried to get back up.

 

And no, she never gave me closure. She just kept telling me to move on and that I'll get used to it. She tries to belittle me every time I tell her that I feel uncomfortable talking to her. That's the main reason I disappeared from her and went NC for the last 8 days.

[wondering_girl]

yeah, i feel like he literally shoved me in the pieces that i tried to pick up..... it's HORRIBLE, i still can't believe he treated me like this, but HE DID.

 

i don't know if you got a chance to read my post but we've been NC for about 2 weeks now ever since our silent dinner have not heard from him NOTHING, as far as trying to contact him i think i'm done. i think we should try to stop counting the days too, because i don't think it will bring them back.

 

hope it gets better for you, i can't see right now but hopefully i'll see it someday.

[Phedre]

I certainly understand what you mean about it being harder because you both love each other as this is the case with me and my H. It never was a question of falling out of love with each other or anything.. but what I am working on and maybe you need to also was that while it was love and perhaps it was all the love she had to give, she didn't give it to you how you need to be loved, maybe sporadically, but clearly not in the end or you wouldn't be apart. H can tell me he loves me all the time and part of me believes him without question, but another growing part of me wants to know how his actions can be so contrary to his words. How do you cheat on someone you love? How do you not want to fix things if you love them so much? I'm not saying it isn't love on their part, but if you look at it from an outside perspective, it isn't the kind of love you or I need. God as painful as that is to type. Love alone isn't enough.

[JaggedRoad]

You're definitely right about her not giving me the right amount of love at the end. It was just so different. Before the break-up she was so loving to me and always involved me with something in her life. I don't really know what happened. No one really knows besides her.

 

There's one thing that really bothered me when we got into an argument on the 13th of this month. She said to me that "it's never enough for you." I really don't know what she meant by that. If she was referring to my attempts at getting closure from her, then she's right. But if she meant anything else, then I really don't know how she came to that conclusion. I was always happy for whatever she was able to give me and I never held it against her if she wasn't able to do something.

[Phedre]

Obvi I don't know for sure, but to me it sounds like she was talking about closure. And she will try to turn that in to you never being satisfied in the relationship if she is anything like my ex.. but it is just a mind game and way to offer up some possible valid in their f'ed up minds excuse for acting like they have.

 

Sucks. I want answers why but would there really ever be an answer that was 'good enough'... not unless it was 'I realize what I have done. What a mistake this has all been. I'll do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to redeem myself in your eyes'... refering to myself of course, your one perfect answer may differ. I'm never ever going to understand his reasoning and it actually just pisses me off more to hear his reasons aka excuses.

 

Sucks thinking about everything you did willing for your partner and this is how they repay you. Excuses and defensive generalities that just make you wonder 'wtf' even more

[JaggedRoad]

It certainly does. And like one poster have said in another post, I wish people could be more transparent.