Pink Cupcakes Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 I'm sorry but this is what happens when you sleep with a guy before there is a real relationship. You can't f**k a guy into a relationship.
SadandConfusedWA Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 I'm sorry but this is what happens when you sleep with a guy before there is a real relationship. You can't f**k a guy into a relationship. Eh sometimes you can. My ex is now getting married to a girl that he was FWB with and telling anyone who would listen how he is not into her. How she is trying to "force herself" into becoming his girlfriend etc. Fast forward a year later with NC with my ex in between and they are engaged...
Trialbyfire Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 No, it isn't. And it isn't how I normally am, actually. It's like with this particular guy I was just...blinded to everything I was doing, for a long time. I can recall a lot of my friends saying things like, "Uh...whoa...you really want to do that?" And I'd just be like, "Yeah, I don't care." It's like I lost my soul. I remember after every time I tried something and it didn't get me where I wanted with this guy I would look back and think, "Wow, I was a real b*tch; I can't believe I acted this way" but then something else would happen; I'd have hope again and I reverted right back to my scheming ways. I think a lot of it was due to the fact that the situation wasn't closed for so long. There were lapses of time in which if I were single, he wasn't; if he was single, I wasn't, or we were both in relationships with other people. I never heard from him anything like, "There's no chance, ever"--but then again, I didn't ask. I didn't think to just ask. I thought that I could be in relationships with other people and move on but I didn't. And now that the situation is finally over for good I can see the wrong I did, and I don't ever, ever want to be even close to the person I've been for the last couple of years.Instead of beating yourself up for a long time about it, try to look at it like a learning experience about how this isn't what you want to be and won't do it again. As well, more importantly also try to look at others involved, like your ex-bf and his feelings. He was the most innocent victim in this. That he might not have known about it, in the end, it guaranteed had impact on your relationship, since you were emotionally straddling a number of individuals and not giving enough effort, into your primary relationship.
Author tigressA Posted September 27, 2009 Author Posted September 27, 2009 Instead of beating yourself up for a long time about it, try to look at it like a learning experience about how this isn't what you want to be and won't do it again. As well, more importantly also try to look at others involved, like your ex-bf and his feelings. He was the most innocent victim in this. That he might not have known about it, in the end, it guaranteed had impact on your relationship, since you were emotionally straddling a number of individuals and not giving enough effort, into your primary relationship. Yeah, I've got no plans to beat myself up about it constantly. I had the little self-hating rant; now it's constructive time. About my ex; he really had no clue. I realized early on after I had cheated that I shouldn't tell him--it was and still is my cross to bear. I didn't want to make him feel like it was his fault--he tends to place a lot of blame on himself when it's not warranted. He still thinks the breakup happened because he was "a jerk". I've tried to tell him that it's not his fault but he hasn't listened. That's a big reason why I just went strict NC when we split a couple months ago.
Trialbyfire Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 Yeah, I've got no plans to beat myself up about it constantly. I had the little self-hating rant; now it's constructive time. About my ex; he really had no clue. I realized early on after I had cheated that I shouldn't tell him--it was and still is my cross to bear. I didn't want to make him feel like it was his fault--he tends to place a lot of blame on himself when it's not warranted. He still thinks the breakup happened because he was "a jerk". I've tried to tell him that it's not his fault but he hasn't listened. That's a big reason why I just went strict NC when we split a couple months ago.Yes, it's constructive time. I wouldn't tell him since it will only hurt him worse, no matter how much you feel you need to confess. Just let it lie. He'll eventually move on, if you let him. Plse don't go back to him, especially to salvage ego, no matter how tempting that might be, in the near future. Work on your internals. Work on creating non-predatory boundaries within you. IMO, it's easy to be a predator but the hit on self-respect is never worth it. In taking self-esteem from external sources, you'll find yourself needing more and more, since it has the opposite effect of draining more and more self-respect from within you. Better to be able to say, "yes, this is who I am and y'now what? I like me".
Author tigressA Posted September 27, 2009 Author Posted September 27, 2009 Yes, it's constructive time. I wouldn't tell him since it will only hurt him worse, no matter how much you feel you need to confess. Just let it lie. He'll eventually move on, if you let him. Plse don't go back to him, especially to salvage ego, no matter how tempting that might be, in the near future. Work on your internals. Work on creating non-predatory boundaries within you. IMO, it's easy to be a predator but the hit on self-respect is never worth it. In taking self-esteem from external sources, you'll find yourself needing more and more, since it has the opposite effect of draining more and more self-respect from within you. Better to be able to say, "yes, this is who I am and y'now what? I like me". Yeah, I have no plans to tell him at all. I don't even think of telling him. And I know that if I went back to him at any point in the next couple of months or so that it would be little more than an ego boost. We had issues that weren't solveable then; they won't be solveable anytime soon, especially with me working through this situation, or even at all. I realize it is very tempting to go back. It's hard to find yourself single, even though you were the one who ended it, after a long time in a relationship--he was the only one I've dated for more than 3 months; it lasted a year and 9 months, and he was a big part of my life. We talked a lot about a future together and whatnot. It's like when you end a relationship like that you kind of start immediately looking to fill the void that the split has left and it takes you a little while--or a really long time, depends--to see that you don't need to be in a relationship, you don't need to be dating, to be happy.
SadandConfusedWA Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 Tigressa, You have a right to be angry at him though. He handled your confession rather insensitively. He ignored you for days and then told you "that he knew you liked him all along". I do think that it's wrong to take advantage of someone because they have feelings for you which is what he was doing. He was getting ego validation from you, without caring at all how it affected you. He wasn't a real friend to you either. Yes, you have some responsibility in this but so does he. I hope you hold on to the anger so that your not tempted to slip back into this destructive "friendship". He might call if things start going south with his ex (which they will)..
Author tigressA Posted September 27, 2009 Author Posted September 27, 2009 Tigressa, You have a right to be angry at him though. He handled your confession rather insensitively. He ignored you for days and then told you "that he knew you liked him all along". I do think that it's wrong to take advantage of someone because they have feelings for you which is what he was doing. He was getting ego validation from you, without caring at all how it affected you. He wasn't a real friend to you either. Yes, you have some responsibility in this but so does he. I hope you hold on to the anger so that your not tempted to slip back into this destructive "friendship". He might call if things start going south with his ex (which they will).. Yeah, he definitely was insensitive. I also have a feeling things will go south again with his ex, and I do know I have a right to be angry with him. But I don't think it would be healthy for me to hold on to this anger. I can and will eventually become completely indifferent toward him just like he has always been toward me. And that will be not only the best revenge, but also the best thing to do, period.
CaliGuy Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 Sorry, Tigress. I had a hunch that there was someone else. Guys who are really into you as much as you are them don't string you along. Well, at least not good guys. Jerks and Players maybe.
Author tigressA Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 Sorry, Tigress. I had a hunch that there was someone else. Guys who are really into you as much as you are them don't string you along. Well, at least not good guys. Jerks and Players maybe. Well, I definitely knew that his ex was still in the picture because he had told me. And I had posted that in my last two threads about this. I am partly responsible for how this came out; I got the answer I was expecting. I just wanted it from his mouth is all. Even though I am complicit, he was still a major-league jerk, and I'm just moving on now.
Pink Cupcakes Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 You probablyl didn't know his whole feelings for her. I'm sure there's a lot more to the backstory and it was more than FWB. Of course he told you this so it would ease your mind when he was using you for a distraction. He probably wanted her back the whole time, sorry. Eh sometimes you can. My ex is now getting married to a girl that he was FWB with and telling anyone who would listen how he is not into her. How she is trying to "force herself" into becoming his girlfriend etc. Fast forward a year later with NC with my ex in between and they are engaged...
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