tigressA Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 My friend called me almost an hour ago, and we talked--first, about random things, then about what I really wanted to talk to him for. His answer: He is basically "with" his ex. They are "90% a couple; all I (he) have to do is make it official; she's important to me now. We've been hanging out a whole lot, almost every day. This is what I'm doing now." And? Oh, here's the kicker, people. HE KNEW. FOR OVER A YEAR. He knew I liked him. Last April when he took me out for my 21st birthday, his best friend (a girl) came along and after that she had told him, "Tigress really likes you. A lot." My friend had to be convinced at first, saying, "What? No she doesn't." But his friend insisted that I did and before long he started seeing the signs for himself. He had wondered why I had even bothered to tell him. That clinches it. He knew for almost the last year and a half that I liked him, and he never mentioned it. Granted, I've only been single in that time for the last couple of months, but if he had really concerned himself about my feelings for him--if he had been interested at all--he would've made a move. He wouldn't have been so carelessly indifferent like this. I feel almost betrayed in a way, like he had this in the back of his head; I feel a bit like he took advantage of my feelings for him. I have my answer; now I can get over it and move on. I don't think I want to keep him as a friend anymore. I still have his number out of my phone. Since he's so indifferent toward me it won't be difficult to phase him out of my life.
indie22 Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 He's an a-hole, I saw the first part of this but I was unable to click on it...I think you were is "just in case" girl. It feels good when you finally know how the person feels, take it as an easy way to move on and find someone worthy!!!
loveslife Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 He's an a-hole, I saw the first part of this but I was unable to click on it...I think you were is "just in case" girl. It feels good when you finally know how the person feels, take it as an easy way to move on and find someone worthy!!! My thoughts exactly. Now you can move on!
Author tigressA Posted September 27, 2009 Author Posted September 27, 2009 I just keep thinking about how he willingly used me. For the last year and a half he used me; he exploited my feelings for him. Every time from then until now when I had him over to the house, when I cooked for him, when I counseled him on his relationship with his ex, that night last April when I drunkenly, willingly "forgot" I had a loving boyfriend when he f*cked me in his bed...all that time, he had it in his head that I liked him. I feel so betrayed, shaken down to my shoes. What a heartless b*stard. He and his ex really DO deserve each other.
JustLooking123 Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 I read the other thread but didn't post. Just wanted to say that I sympathize with this sucky situation. He clearly cared more about making himself feel good, than your emotions. While he was certainly in the wrong here, it would be a wasted experience if you didn't learn something from it. In the future, I bet you won't let a similar situation progress without resolution for so long. Now cry for a bit, then get the best kind of revenge - moving on and living a happy life .
loveslife Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 I read the other thread but didn't post. Just wanted to say that I sympathize with this sucky situation. He clearly cared more about making himself feel good, than your emotions. While he was certainly in the wrong here, it would be a wasted experience if you didn't learn something from it. In the future, I bet you won't let a similar situation progress without resolution for so long. Now cry for a bit, then get the best kind of revenge - moving on and living a happy life . Yes! Living well is the best revenge. Take some time to grieve over this and then get out there and find a good, kind, honorable man!
boogieboy Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 We could have told you that a year ago y'know.... Whens the last time you hung around a guy that you knew liked you but you avoided the subject? If you did, think about how you felt about why you avoided the subject and put yourself in his shoes. BTW if you did, you were wrong in this situation also. Think about that before tosing stones.
Author tigressA Posted September 27, 2009 Author Posted September 27, 2009 I now know to never put even the slightest drop of my trust in him again, and now I'm focusing on moving on, making myself happy and continuing to surround myself with people who DO care about me and appreciate me and what I do for them (which is what I did in a major-league way this weekend in order to take the edge off any possible resolution to this, and I'm glad I did). I'm not contacting him in any way from here on out. He's proved he's more than capable of being indifferent toward me; I can certainly do the same toward him.
Kamille Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 It's okay to be angry Tigressa. But don't let that mean you won't take responsibility for your actions in this friendship/relationship.
2sunny Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 I just keep thinking about how he willingly used me. For the last year and a half he used me; he exploited my feelings for him. Every time from then until now when I had him over to the house, when I cooked for him, when I counseled him on his relationship with his ex, that night last April when I drunkenly, willingly "forgot" I had a loving boyfriend when he f*cked me in his bed...all that time, he had it in his head that I liked him. I feel so betrayed, shaken down to my shoes. What a heartless b*stard. He and his ex really DO deserve each other. you played a part in this... you allowed it. so it's not really his fault. you have the ability to say no - to not see him - to not correspond with him. but you did. now that you know the truth from his side - you can do what you should have done back then and not deal with him any further... can you do that?
Trialbyfire Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 I can sympathize with the hurt from feeling rejected by someone you're into, someone you finally got the courage to open up your feelings to. But it takes two to tango. When you're ready to accept your part in this, we're also here to discuss it.
Author tigressA Posted September 27, 2009 Author Posted September 27, 2009 you played a part in this... you allowed it. so it's not really his fault. you have the ability to say no - to not see him - to not correspond with him. but you did. now that you know the truth from his side - you can do what you should have done back then and not deal with him any further... can you do that? Of course. I've already taken steps to do that--deleting all traces of him from my phone, blocking him from seeing/commenting on my MySpace blogs. That's the primary reason why I said anything in the first place--so that I could have my answer straight from the horse's mouth and finally move on with my life. You and everyone else who's said that it takes two to tango are right--I could've--no, should've--taken steps a long time ago to phase him out of my life, especially since I had had a boyfriend for the majority of the time that I knew my friend. The contact I had had with him was flat-out inappropriate, and it inevitably led to me cheating on my boyfriend with my friend over a year ago.
Trialbyfire Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 It's more than just cutting him out of your life, at the start. But now isn't the time to discuss it since you're hurting. Get your emotional strength back and then, if you're willing, we can discuss it.
Author tigressA Posted September 27, 2009 Author Posted September 27, 2009 I'm more than willing to discuss it now. It could help me.
Trialbyfire Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 Okay Tigress. It's about having and maintaining boundaries with male friends, especially within the confines of a relationship but also when not in a relationship. I get the impression, and you can correct me if I'm wrong, that these guys aren't really friends. They're either guys that you get an ego stroke from or guys that you're crushing on. When you're in a relationship, as you've admitted, you need to learn to draw the line and stay there. If you start feeling the least bit attracted, that's the time to distance yourself, when those warning signs go off. Also, when someone exceeds the line deliberately, like the other flirty guy who you weren't interested in, the minute they start doing this, is the minute you need to push back and say "Uh, uh, this isn't acceptable. I'm previously committed". Instead, you let it happen for awhile since it was an ego stroke. Then, finally, shut him down. All this was going on while you were in a relationship, same with this other guy you were crushing on, then slept with, while in a relationship. If you're not whole-hearted into a relationship, don't get involved. Stay single and date whomever you want. Okay, now let's look at what happened specifically with this guy: You got close to this guy. Then you cheated on your b/f with this guy. This guy didn't want to take this any further than an ONS. You're both responsible. Him for sleeping with someone previously committed, you for cheating on your ex. Big red flag on both sides. Then, he offered friendship. You accepted and became his confidant. He treated you like a friend and you used his friendship to stay close to him. There were times you wanted to sabotage his relationship with his ex, by giving him your opinion about the ex. That's not being a friend, since your distaste of her was biased, due to your interest in him. Then, when you found out that he was reconsidering getting back with his ex, you tried to jump in the middle, using confidential "friend" information, to cock-block (female equivalent) this from happening. This was solely driven by self-interest. Then, you were angry because you put him into an awkward situation, and he didn't jump to the pump on your timing, to put you out of your misery of opening up. You claimed that providing you with finality would be good enough. Now, four days later, he's responded with honesty, which is what you claimed you wanted from him. Now you're angry at him for being honest and providing you finality in a self-made situation. You're angry because he didn't give you what you wanted, which was some form of romantic relationship. Your feelings are hurt where a lot of it, has to do with your ego. He chose his ex over you. Tigress, do you see a pattern here, at all? There are two sides to every story.
loveslife Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 Wow. Well said, TBF. You really were paying attention!
boogieboy Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 I wanna be as eloquent as TBF when I grow up.
Author tigressA Posted September 27, 2009 Author Posted September 27, 2009 Tigress, do you see a pattern here, at all? There are two sides to every story. Yes, I do see a pattern. But, a clarification: I was friends with this guy for at least a year before I met my ex-boyfriend. Our relationship at first was a casual dating/FWB situation, and then it reverted back to a "friendship", during which, and you are correct in this, I did exploit it for my own interests--I casually tried to sabotage any relationship that he was in, and it worked, but I should've realized that even with that, he wasn't going back to me; he wasn't seeing me as more than a lay (if I were single) or someone to have a fun, deep conversation with every so often. So I basically kicked myself in the butt over and over. And I totally expected the answer he gave. But I still hurt. Why? Blow to my ego.
Trialbyfire Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 loveslife, I'm not certain it was the wisest thing to do, considering the timing of this. She's hurting and I totally get lashing out when it happens. I also lash out when I'm hurting, then when I'm stronger, internalize, then try to balance. I don't know how Tigress addresses her hurt. If I hurt you Tigress, I'm sorry.
Trialbyfire Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 Yes, I do see a pattern. But, a clarification: I was friends with this guy for at least a year before I met my ex-boyfriend. Our relationship at first was a casual dating/FWB situation, and then it reverted back to a "friendship", during which, and you are correct in this, I did exploit it for my own interests--I casually tried to sabotage any relationship that he was in, and it worked, but I should've realized that even with that, he wasn't going back to me; he wasn't seeing me as more than a lay (if I were single) or someone to have a fun, deep conversation with every so often. So I basically kicked myself in the butt over and over. And I totally expected the answer he gave. But I still hurt. Why? Blow to my ego.Is this the person you want to be, Tigress? Is this how you want to treat others and be treated?
indie22 Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 We could have told you that a year ago y'know.... Whens the last time you hung around a guy that you knew liked you but you avoided the subject? If you did, think about how you felt about why you avoided the subject and put yourself in his shoes. BTW if you did, you were wrong in this situation also. Think about that before tosing stones. I know what you mean, Ive been there before and I do not do it anymore. It kind of like tigress's situation, its like you are into someone and then as soon as you get over them, you are hanging around them agian and they are the one who's into you. I guess it takes a while to find someone who has feelings that are equal to your own.
loveslife Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 I think she took it okay, TBF. Tigress, do you feel that you'll be able to avoid making the same mistake with someone else?
Trialbyfire Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 I think she took it okay.Yes, I saw that after I posted, the first time.
loveslife Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 Yes, I saw that after I posted, the first time. Figured you would.
Author tigressA Posted September 27, 2009 Author Posted September 27, 2009 Is this the person you want to be, Tigress? Is this how you want to treat others and be treated? No, it isn't. And it isn't how I normally am, actually. It's like with this particular guy I was just...blinded to everything I was doing, for a long time. I can recall a lot of my friends saying things like, "Uh...whoa...you really want to do that?" And I'd just be like, "Yeah, I don't care." It's like I lost my soul. I remember after every time I tried something and it didn't get me where I wanted with this guy I would look back and think, "Wow, I was a real b*tch; I can't believe I acted this way" but then something else would happen; I'd have hope again and I reverted right back to my scheming ways. I think a lot of it was due to the fact that the situation wasn't closed for so long. There were lapses of time in which if I were single, he wasn't; if he was single, I wasn't, or we were both in relationships with other people. I never heard from him anything like, "There's no chance, ever"--but then again, I didn't ask. I didn't think to just ask. I thought that I could be in relationships with other people and move on but I didn't. And now that the situation is finally over for good I can see the wrong I did, and I don't ever, ever want to be even close to the person I've been for the last couple of years.
Recommended Posts