hotCOmom Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 We have been married 11 years, together almost 14. 2 awesome young kids. My husband works overseas from 6-10 weeks at a time, then home 5-7 weeks (no work then). This has been an almost constant schedule for over 9 years. Overall gone more than 1/2 the year. Communication overseas sucks as email is our only option, and time differences cause major delays in even simple conversations. He's a "great guy" and a good dad, but I don't feel like we have much of a relationship at this point other than just living together when he is home. The transitions with him coming home and then again when he leaves are really difficult, and never seem to get easier or smoother - for me or the kids. The middle's no piece of cake either. And there's no end in sight re: his work. It's what he does and is, will not consider another industry or job, and only likes field work with what he does do. Only major conflicts have ever arisen while raising my now adult stepson re: discipline, expectations, etc. (he's pretty hard core, ex-military, no ?'s ask... I'm more "Love & Logic" type parent - and I was only FT parent). (Of course, we don't talk about much so thereby avoid a fair amount of conflict I'm sure.) I'm looking a few years down the road at raising 2 teenage girls and absolutely dreading the conflicts that WILL appear between us. Earlier experience was worst 3-4 years of my life (while he was home, only, of course!) - only didn't divorce then because I love my stepson and he needed sane parenting, period. I run a business, am involved in the community + manage the household/kids/finances, etc. And I'm basically lonely. Even when he's home, he's not a great communicator. I have no idea what his dreams, hopes, aspirations are; or what 10 things he wants to do or see before he dies; or what his views on heaven or abortion are... and not that I haven't asked many times over the years. I just annoy him and he "doesn't know" and moves on. I'm a talker, and I love to debate and discuss and have truly had deeper conversations with strangers at an airport than with my husband. (This IS one of those things I wish I'd considered more intently before we married, but at the time had lots of friends and colleagues in a different city that readily filled that "gap.") The LD issue seems to really exacerbate this as we're always just trying to catch up on household things, see friends and family, and rarely have/make time for just "us" - we just don't seem to have the "space" our relationship needs to exist and flourish... time is always completely jammed with real "things to do" and the logistics of life. Augh. There are so many times I've wondered if this is worth it still. I am pretty easy-going and capable, but this feels out of hand (yes, I've told him this many times) and unending. I am a vibrant, attractive, active, fun-loving woman and want to share my whole life with my husband, but it's just not happening - for 9 years now! I feel like I'd rather be single and enjoying my life than stuck on this here-&-gone treadmill. I'm in no hurry for another marriage or LT relationship, necessarily. Just want to be true to who I am, and feel like I'm settling for an "OK" life when I should be pursuing and creating "Outrageously Happy." Advice? Thoughts? Experiences? Perspective? Please...
TMichaels Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 I am a vibrant, attractive, active, fun-loving woman and want to share my whole life with my husband, but it's just not happening - for 9 years now! I feel like I'd rather be single and enjoying my life than stuck on this here-&-gone treadmill. I'm in no hurry for another marriage or LT relationship, necessarily. Just want to be true to who I am, and feel like I'm settling for an "OK" life when I should be pursuing and creating "Outrageously Happy." Hi, hotCOmom and welcome to LS. Just a point of clarification... It sounds like your husband has been involved in his line of work and requisite trips abroad for some time. Did you not know this about him when you married him? Or, has the frequency or duration of these trips increased? Or, was this supposed to be a temporary phase that has turned into his permanent "schedule?" Regardless, does your husband realize how close you are to throwing in the towel? The fact that you shared your frustrations by posting to this forum and selected the handle you did speak volumes about "where YOU are" in terms of this relationship. I know you've said you've tried expressing your frustrations to your LD husband, but have you told him the passage I've quoted above, explicitly? If you feel like you've tried repeatedly and gotten no where, what about giving him a copy of what you wrote above when he's next back home -- as a way to "get your cards on the table in black and white" so he realizes how serious this is? All the best, TMichaels
Island Girl Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 I know you've said you've tried expressing your frustrations to your LD husband, but have you told him the passage I've quoted above, explicitly? If you feel like you've tried repeatedly and gotten no where, what about giving him a copy of what you wrote above when he's next back home -- as a way to "get your cards on the table in black and white" so he realizes how serious this is? I echo ALL of what TM has said here but most especially the above. If you are seriously thinking of ending your marriage then he needs to know that. Maybe he'll behave as he always has. But maybe not - and maybe you'll get more of what you need from him. But at least you have given him the opportunity to address the issues.
Recommended Posts