brook Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 hi everyone, new here. want to help and be helped. some of you have already been helpful by sharing your thoughts. i've only signed up a few hours ago and i've been reading some of the post. in my heart i already have the answer...have for a long time but validation would be good. i am not perfect...nobody is. i don't claim to have all the answers . this is my account of some issues in a 4 year relationship with my "soulmate". i've read about cheaters, narcissist, obsessions and disinterest on womens parts with sex here and feel that this would be a good place to at long last "get some things off my chest", so to speak. we have this bestfriend, love/hate,can't live with,can't...., bobby and whitney (minus the drugs and alcohol) sought of thing going on here. anyway, here goes. 1.my SO has all of the characteristics I've read about. obsessed...ha! a long time ago he explained to me that men are "very visual creatures" and he has stood by his words ...several times in my presence...to the point of being so distracted with who he was looking at that he could hardly concentrate on a word i was saying to him at the time. what hurts is that he tries to be sneaky about it and when i express my dislike,he turned it around like i'm too insecure. i wasn't being insecure,you were being disrespectful and ogling big time. my feeling is , i really could care less about how much of a visual creature you are, do that on your own time. i respect you when we're out together, you need to do the same. if i've done something wrong or didn't do something you thought i should have...we should talk about it . secondly, i'm so d.... tired of hearing from you about male characteristics...needs....wants...desires.....hello,what about me? i have given and given and given of myself unselfishly. 2.even more narcissistic. he pretty much feels that our sex life is ALL about him and as a result i have really lost interest. to make a long story short ...after being without someone for so long he was like a kid in a candy store and ran with it. sessions were 3 sometimes 4 hours at a time. he would prolong himself and was greedy. and seriously, who does this?...its too much. i'm good after an hour or two at most if the sex is great ....if not 30. on top of that he has several "adult" businesses online (which he told me about early on). at first our lovemaking was passionate,which is what he wants back. he listened to me for a little while about what it would take to get that back and keep it but then fell right back into his "routine". i am "literally" a pornstar each and everytime. outfit,heals (EACH AND EVERY TIME),makeup,accessories,wigs,the whole girly girly thing gets him excited. but its the same stuff and positions to "accommodate" him. in other words i've done everything this man has asked me to . we are fortyish...he is not as verile or big at all, although he tries. i've expressed this to him as gently as possible. he refuses to listen and wants to do it his way. he gets mad when i don't make faces, talk dirty and look at him the way he wants. i'm bored , frustrated and just want to get it over with. i really just want to have sex sometimes like normal people do including getting some fulfillment. i hinted about male enhancement seeeeeveral times. 3.most recently while using his computer i saw his profile on a dating site but not just a dating sight...a fling sight. why would you do that...especially if you know YOU have a problem and am in denial. to make matters worse he denied putting it up said it wasn't him. but that was him spread across the internet for everyone to see. had i stumbles across his player card and he denied it because he got caught and it looked really bad? its not an issue of not still being attracted to me...he is...alot of men are. i'm a very attractive cougar. what makes him think that he won't have the same problem with someone else? . especially since you confessed to me that you like big girls . how is that gonna work? i don't see any signs of actual infidelity right now although i could be wrong ...not even sure that i would care at this point...i really am worn out and just want to spend some time alone. some men don't stop in their tracks long enough to ask themselves if they had anything to do with why you become disinterested. I've gained so much from being in this relationship....both positive and negative.
Author brook Posted September 27, 2009 Author Posted September 27, 2009 *very intelligent. * very charming. *supportive at times...he has been a good mate, does listen regarding other topics and was there for me during a family crisis. *good father to his child... i respect that. i've raised two of my own prior to us being together. * a mentor in most cases in terms of business dealings, finances and relevent conversation regarding family and friends. someone you know can get things done with or without you being around. *has taught me more about appreciating myself as a woman more than any other man i've been with. has told me how beautiful i am many times throughout the course of the relationship. always proud to be seen with me. i know most of his family and friends and vice versa.
carhill Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 OK, now the fun part.... acceptance. Can you accept that the positive and negative characteristics of your SO are his path? Who he is? If you can, the next part is communicating boundaries. It sounds like a lot of your negatives revolve in some fashion around sex. Where would you like those boundaries to be? Lastly, do you reinforce the positives with communication and action? This is critical to balance. Do you find his requests of action, absent sex, from you to be unreasonable or in violation of your boundaries? More communication. Love doesn't die in a vacuum. It dies one action at a time, one day at a time. You can affect this process. It isn't inevitable.
Author brook Posted September 27, 2009 Author Posted September 27, 2009 Can you accept that the positive and negative characteristics of your SO are his path? Who he is? thats the problem...after being around him and learning certain things....i'm not really sure i truly know him. i thought i did but now i'm not sure. not sure i really want to. we are not married as you can tell but live together, we've talked about it to great lengths. i'm not sure whether i should stay in because of all this info or break free while i still have the chance. i resent some of the things he's done but am not beyond forgiveness. as i stated...i'm not perfect either and he has never had to discuss these type of issue with me...i have done other things to step on his toes. i just want to know that i'm not mixed up in something that may not be in my favor down the road. if it doesn't work out...i'm ok with that at this point. If you can, the next part is communicating boundaries. It sounds like a lot of your negatives revolve in some fashion around sex. Where would you like those boundaries to be? yes boundaries are good. in some respect i have expressed that when i mentioned about his wandering eyes. We have had issues of this nature pop up in the past. to be truthful...this is a man who cheated on his wife (prior to our getting together) big time. while i was made aware of this early on he was always committed and faithful to me. now i'm not sure and knowing these things from the past only add fuel to the fire. Lastly, do you reinforce the positives with communication and action? This is critical to balance. and yes i do...often. maybe too much. i believe what i'm trying to express to you is that now there is a trust issue. i'm not sure i want to keep doing that if your doing thing behind my back.... particularly online. i don't have to. i would be ok walking away and not looking back for good this time as this is an ongoing battle. acceptance...yes....but not neccessarily with me being a part of it. *we love each other, there is more here than just sex. that is really his issue that he keeps trying to put on me. pointing out positives shed some perspective on the situation. Do you find his requests of action, absent sex, from you to be unreasonable or in violation of your boundaries? More communication.we've talked about it...he's not hearing me...thus the frustration. i'm in my prime. he's basically a selfish lover Love doesn't die in a vacuum. It dies one action at a time, one day at a time. You can affect this process. It isn't inevitable. very thought provoking and i'm reading between the lines on this one. i realize what i'm doing...just want to make sure he does and the possible outcome as i don't think this behavior should be acceptable from either of us.just because your a man does not excuse you . not sure this acceptance would be fun for me. thanks for clarity.
Devil Inside Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Brook your SO definitely has a lot of traits that would indicate a sexual addiction. I mean don't get me wrong...I am a kinky brother...but this guy really seems fixated on using you as a sexual object. I can get why you are bothered.
Author brook Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 i appreciate you keeping it real with me di. any suggestions?
ForumFool Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Hi Brook I hear your frustration..Maybe a trial seperation would be helpful for you...I personally think in time you would find you don't need to be his sex slave ...Sex should not just be all about him...and you sound unhappy
Chrome Barracuda Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I' telling you women love being disrepected because for all his negative traits his few positive traits doesnt outweigh all his bad stuff and yet she's cool with it! unbelievable. Lady this guy is gonna end up hurting you in more ways than one and I would cut and run now before you end up hurt. Take my word for it your better off.
tami-chan Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I' telling you women love being disrepected because for all his negative traits his few positive traits doesnt outweigh all his bad stuff and yet she's cool with it! unbelievable. How is she "cool with it"? I do not know if you noticed but she is here PRECISELY because she is NOT cool with it....UNBELIEVABLE...
Devil Inside Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 i appreciate you keeping it real with me di. any suggestions? I would go to Patrick Carnes website http://www.sexhelp.com/ he is the expert on sex addiction. There are resources there that will help you figure out if he really is a sex addict and there are also some things there for the partner of a sex addict. Basically if he is an addict then he is going to need some treatment...and if he cannot commit to that then he is not ready to change. An addiction is a defense mechanism that people use to soothe themselves in distressing situations. It has been formed by childhood experiences that make the person emotionally stunted because it was the only way they could survive. So what will happen is that he will use sex as a way to avoid difficult emotions...then he will feel shame...and that is a difficult emotions so you know what comes next...acting out through his addiction...and so on. Thing is with sex addicts...it is rare that one partner is enough, and it sounds like your SO may be using pornography, and hooking up with other women on the side to feed his addiction. So my suggestion would be to check out his behaviors on that site's assessments. Then sit him down and talk to him. If you are willing to stay with him you would definitely want him to be in treatment. Good luck. Let us know what you decide to do.
Author brook Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 forum fool,tami chan,devil inside: thanks for your support. ff, your right, a seperation would be helpful but this goes way beyond. best if i just leave him alone altogether. di, will check out the site you recommended to help me. alot of what you said makes sense as everytime we get in an argument he turns to the internet and i can always tell when he is up to something. his signs are always the same. its veeery complicated. he is not approachable on the subject and while i recognize he needs help maybe once i'm gone he'll figure it out and seek it.right now i'd rather help myself get back on the right path.
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