Do you ever regret giving your child the father's last name?

[Cheetara]

I regret this, everytime I see my daughters name in print. I know thats probably really mean to say, but her father and I just don't get along, probably never will.

We co-parent well enough, but there are always little blow-ups. And someday (sooner rather than later hopefully) I'd like to have my daughter's last name changed to that of her stepfather's last name. Or if not his, than at least mine. He's been her stepfather for almost seven years (my daughters eight and a half) and they are very close. She even calls him daddy.

But I know if I tried getting her last name changed my ex would just throw a huge fit.

If I am going to get my daughters name changed, shouldn't I do it as soon as possible. I figure the older she is, the more complicated it would be, like more records to change and paperwork to fill out right?

 

Is there any way my ex would be able to stop me? I am the custodial parent, though we have joint custody.

[BUENG1]

I regret this, everytime I see my daughters name in print. I know thats probably really mean to say, but her father and I just don't get along, probably never will.

We co-parent well enough, but there are always little blow-ups. And someday (sooner rather than later hopefully) I'd like to have my daughter's last name changed to that of her stepfather's last name. Or if not his, than at least mine. He's been her stepfather for almost seven years (my daughters eight and a half) and they are very close. She even calls him daddy.

But I know if I tried getting her last name changed my ex would just throw a huge fit.

If I am going to get my daughters name changed, shouldn't I do it as soon as possible. I figure the older she is, the more complicated it would be, like more records to change and paperwork to fill out right?

 

Is there any way my ex would be able to stop me? I am the custodial parent, though we have joint custody.

 

If he is listed as the father and has joint custody you will need his permission(unless you get full custody). I don't have experience with is but this is what I found on google.

http://www.expertlaw.com/forums/showthread.php?t=78139

 

Edit: Also found this http://www.divorcesource.com/info/namechange/namechange.shtml

 

"After my divorce is finalized, can I change my children's last names to my maiden name?

Historically, courts ruled that a father had an automatic right to have his child or children keep his last name if he continued to actively perform his parental role. Now a child's name can be changed through a court petition if it is clearly in the best interest of the child. GetYourNameBack.com only works for divorcees. We are unable to change the names of minors."

 

Again I don't have any first hand experience.

[sally4sara]

I cannot stand my son's father. He is barely involved in my son's life and he kidnapped him and took off to the opposite coast from where I lived before being so scarce in his life.

My son looks up to his step father and his step father is the stable male influence in his life.

That being said, my son's last name is his last name. It is the name he gives when asked "what is your name?".

For me to change it just because I chose his father poorly is petty IMO.

 

The last name is not harming your daughter is it? It isn't Hitler or McVey or something like that? You cannot promise you will never regret your child's step father and if things didn't work out - what sense would there be in your daughter having the last name of someone they were never related to by blood?

If you're going to change the last name to anyone's surname - change it to your surname.

 

Since the kid's dad IS still involved, I think you're only wanting to do this to hurt the bio father much less than you're trying the help your daughter. But I think you're just making a problem where there is none. If it ends up bothering the kid as an adult, she could choose to change the name herself.

You could end up talking about this in therapy with your angry adult daughter accusing you of alienating her dad.

Futher - since she is female, she may choose to take her husband's name later and what would all this amount to then?

[Meaplus3]

I regret this, everytime I see my daughters name in print. I know thats probably really mean to say, but her father and I just don't get along, probably never will.

We co-parent well enough, but there are always little blow-ups. And someday (sooner rather than later hopefully) I'd like to have my daughter's last name changed to that of her stepfather's last name. Or if not his, than at least mine. He's been her stepfather for almost seven years (my daughters eight and a half) and they are very close. She even calls him daddy.

But I know if I tried getting her last name changed my ex would just throw a huge fit.

If I am going to get my daughters name changed, shouldn't I do it as soon as possible. I figure the older she is, the more complicated it would be, like more records to change and paperwork to fill out right?

 

Is there any way my ex would be able to stop me? I am the custodial parent, though we have joint custody.

 

 

No I don't have any regrets. Now, IMO of your situation, I think when she is old enough you should ask her how shes feels about it. If you bring it up while she's young it way confuse her. Good luck.

 

Mea:)

[bentnotbroken]

No, the name is a name to be proud of. The name isn't the reason he was an azz.

[Angel1111]

In my personal opinion, you don't need to be doing anything of the kind. Just because you have issues with her dad, doesn't change the fact that he is still her father and there isn't one single thing in this world you can do to change that fact. Ever.

 

It's very important to separate your issues from your daughter's. They are not the same. I personally do not get along with my son's father (which is why I divorced him) but this has nothing to do with my son and I have always been conscious of that. On the other hand, my son has his own issues with his dad but those are all related to him and his dad - not anything that I stirred up between them. They've always had a difficult relationship and they always will probably. Sometimes my son complains about his dad and I will listen but when he crosses the line of respect, I stop him. Kids need to be heard but they also need to know their boundaries. When my son was about 10 or so, he started signing his papers at school with my last name on them (my maiden name also happens to be his middle name). I was absolutely stunned. But I didn't say a word about it and it stopped after a short while. If somewhere down the road he decides he wants to change his last name, then that's his choice.

 

But I would never be so disrespectful of his dad to consider changing his son's name. I would only consider doing this under extreme circumstances - such as the last name is tied to his dad who's a serial killer, or something along those lines.

 

It's really great that you married a man who is so good to your daughter that she feels that close to him. But no matter what her last name is, she will always be influenced by the strong family bond you have created with her stepdad. Still, I strongly suggest that you try to see this issue from another perspective because your attitude about your daughter's father is spilling over onto her. Your daughter is her own person, her dad is as much a part of her as you are. Leave it alone and be happy with the home you've been able to give her.

[Tayla]

When the child matures and comes of age, they can change it to whatever they want. Leave it up the mature child to decide when its appropriate.

 

I personally am glad that my kids have a heritage to research.

 

Sidenote:Its not always true that the parental (genetic Father) cant be changed. Once he waives his rights thru adoption the courts would recognize the new adoptive parents as the legal parents with all rights and priviledges.

[Queen of Hearts]

Sometimes, I wish I would have given her my last name as it sounds so much prettier with her first and middle name, but that is her Daddy's name and who am I to break tradition? I mean, I never changed my name to his after we were married. I figured that she should probably take his last name since I had already had mine my whole life before him.

[armywife915]

My friend has had 3 kids to 3 different fathers. She used the father's last name so now she has a last name that doesn't match any of the kids. I think this is confusing for the children. Unless you are married I think the child should have the mothers name.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

I had a very dear friend whose daughter never knew her father. Hadn"t heard from nor laid eyes on him since she was one. My friend remarried a wonderful man and had twins a few years later. I drove her daughter crazy that she didn't have their name. After her sisters were born, she cried for months about them having the same name as her "parents" and her having a different name. The small private school she attended allowed her to "change her name". When she started 6th grade and the fiasco was behind her, her parents had to explain that her name had not been legally changed and that at the public school she would be know by her real father's name. By that time she was old enough to understand that the name did not make her any more or less a part of the family. At seven though it meant everything.

[fooled once]

I regret this, everytime I see my daughters name in print. I know thats probably really mean to say, but her father and I just don't get along, probably never will.

We co-parent well enough, but there are always little blow-ups. And someday (sooner rather than later hopefully) I'd like to have my daughter's last name changed to that of her stepfather's last name. Or if not his, than at least mine. He's been her stepfather for almost seven years (my daughters eight and a half) and they are very close. She even calls him daddy.

But I know if I tried getting her last name changed my ex would just throw a huge fit.

If I am going to get my daughters name changed, shouldn't I do it as soon as possible. I figure the older she is, the more complicated it would be, like more records to change and paperwork to fill out right?

 

Is there any way my ex would be able to stop me? I am the custodial parent, though we have joint custody.

 

Oh yes, your ex could stop you. And unless he is a bad/abusive/absent father, why would you change your D's last name?

 

You chose to have a child with him. You chose to give your D his name. Just leave it alone. Who's to say you and your H will stay together. Then if you had changed it, you would want to change it again.

 

Since you only have joint custody, and you do co-parent, that means to me he is in her life. No way will a judge allow you to change it just because the name bothers you. And honestly, I hope your EX stops you.

 

It would be petty to change it just because you don't get along with him.

 

I am a divorced, but remarried woman with a son from my first marriage. Never did it occur to me to change my son's last name.

 

If your daughter decides when she is an adult to change her name, that is one thing. But don't do it now. She already knows her name.

[ADF]

This sounds like a perfect way to drag your daughter into a dispute between yourself and her father. Don't do it.

[TaraMaiden]

My brother's daughter changed her name to that of her step-father, because she was the odd-one-out in the family. At that time, she was quite young, and it meant something for her to change it.

My brother agreed, because he wanted her to be happy, and to feel that she fitted in with the rest of her family. (her mum married again, and she had a daughter by her new husband.)

Now, my brother and his daughter get on like a house on fire. in fact, they all do, and there are no hard feelings.... my niece has two dads: one whose blood she carries, and one whose name she bears.She sees little or no difference, and it hasn't caused problems....

 

but that's a different situation.

I'm merely saying it is possible, if people are mature enough about it...

But it's your daughter who has to want this, for herself.

Not you for her.

[delnoire]

My brother's daughter changed her name to that of her step-father, because she was the odd-one-out in the family. At that time, she was quite young, and it meant something for her to change it.

My brother agreed, because he wanted her to be happy, and to feel that she fitted in with the rest of her family. (her mum married again, and she had a daughter by her new husband.)

Now, my brother and his daughter get on like a house on fire. in fact, they all do, and there are no hard feelings.... my niece has two dads: one whose blood she carries, and one whose name she bears.She sees little or no difference, and it hasn't caused problems....

 

but that's a different situation.

I'm merely saying it is possible, if people are mature enough about it...

But it's your daughter who has to want this, for herself.

Not you for her.

 

Wow, speaking as a dad, if that were me, I would feel extremely insecure about my relationship with my daughter, even if we did get on like a house on fire. Just knowing she felt there was little to no difference between me and the guy her mother just happened to marry after the fact. To have my little girl walking around proudly wearing another mans name?

 

But good for them....great for them in fact. I think thats a great way to think of things and act....just don't know if I could personally ever be THAT mature. Don't you think your brother ever wishes privately that he could be her one and only dad?

[In_Repair]

I'd throw everything I had at my ex if she tried to change my children's last name. The gloves would come off at that point. I'd ruin her. My older brother and I are the only men left in my bio fathers bloodline, but my brother never had kids and is too old to start. My son is the last of the Mohicans, so to speak.

 

I had a step father for most of my childhood, as my bio father died when I was young. He was and still is a great father figure, but I'm so glad that my mother had enough respect for my bio father, as well as my own heritage, that she didn't do anything like this.

[sally4sara]

Wow, speaking as a dad, if that were me, I would feel extremely insecure about my relationship with my daughter, even if we did get on like a house on fire. Just knowing she felt there was little to no difference between me and the guy her mother just happened to marry after the fact. To have my little girl walking around proudly wearing another mans name?

 

But good for them....great for them in fact. I think thats a great way to think of things and act....just don't know if I could personally ever be THAT mature. Don't you think your brother ever wishes privately that he could be her one and only dad?

 

IDK, if the kid is so close to both men and both men act like supportive fathers and SHE actually wanted to change her name (not one parent wearing her down to it)- all the better for her rather than feeling like a traitor to both.

 

And why is it the concept would bother you because it is her step father's name, but most men expect a woman to change her surname upon marriage?

[delnoire]

IDK, if the kid is so close to both men and both men act like supportive fathers and SHE actually wanted to change her name (not one parent wearing her down to it)- all the better for her rather than feeling like a traitor to both.

 

And why is it the concept would bother you because it is her step father's name, but most men expect a woman to change her surname upon marriage?

 

I would never expect my SO to change their name after marriage. If they wanted to thats fine, but its really not that important to me whether they keep their last name or change it.

 

But a daughter is different. Shes flesh and blood. I'm just speaking my own opinion here and being a guy, i guess I'm just territorial, but my bio daughter is mine, not the guy who is married to the mother.

 

Would I want my bio daughter and her stepfather to have a great, wonderful, caring relationship? of course. But if she was calling him daddy and wanting to have his last name....I would be extremely upset and insecure and jealous.

 

I guess I would just want to have a special place in my daughters heart because I was her bio dad and if she changed her name from my last name to his, I would feel like I was getting evicted from that special place, and the stepdad was moving in.

[MikeShivar]

I am a father, of a son, whome I love with all of my heart. Even though I try my hardest,a nd state that I love my son quite frequently, and have changed my whole life for him, I apparently am not a good father, or so his mother says.

 

She is planning on changing my son's last name to hers, if she can, and let me let you know, I have never been more furious about anything in my entire life. You are ridiculously petty if you seriously plan on changing your child's name just because you have a problem with the father. It seems to me, like my ex, you are superimposing your problems with him(either because you trully still miss him, or you two dont get along) on your child.

 

This will only serve to ruin yoru child, and noone else, remember this if anything, you will hurt her because of this, I can guarantee you this, and you'll make the father feel even less connected to her, which could possibly ruin her relationship with her father in the future.

 

No matter how much you may wish that your new husband was the Father of your child, he cannot, and will not, ever be her biological father, whether you change her name or not, and he will never have the relationship with her that her real father can give to her.

 

I know this as my father was never there for me my entire life, and veen though I had a great stepdad, who taught me much better lessons in life, my relationship with him is still nothing compared to that of me and my dad(Who mind you was a raging alcohalic who beat my mother and my brother and myself). My mother never changed my last name, and I wonder why? Because she respected my father enough to know, I was his son, and he wanted me to have his last name. You see with men our last names mean a huge amount to us, its almost like say you inherit your green eyes from your parents, or your nice hair, its something your proud of.

 

Now picture this, as an example, if her hair were black, and you changed it to blonde, just because it was the fathers hair color. Its basically the same thing, you being petty just because your child's father isn't with you anymore and that upsets you, because, if it didn't upset you, you wouldn't want to change the child's name anywho, it wouldn't bother you.

[Boundary Problem]

When the child matures and comes of age, they can change it to whatever they want. Leave it up the mature child to decide when its appropriate.

 

I agree with the above statement.

 

I would leave it alone. Children go through enough upheaval during divorce without having to assume a different last name.

 

It has taken my son a year to recover from divorce and now he is flourishing. I can't imagine changing his name because I decide my life is moving forward. Children have their own path in life and it doesn't have to parallel the parent's life in all things.

 

I'm sure it is not the case, but you don't want the appearance of unnecessarily needling your ex with a phantom issue involving a child.

Edited November 9, 2009 by Boundary Problem

[reservoirdog1]

I second the views of the other fathers on this thread.

 

You made the decision when your child was born to give her her dad's last name. He's her dad. Period. Your new husband may be a loving, caring, man, an excellent provider, and a wonderful stepfather. But he is a stepfather. Not the father. There is a difference.

 

I agre with the others, seeking to change your daughter's last name -- that is, take her father's name "off" her -- is petty. It has nothing to do with your daughter, and everything to do with what YOU want. Especially when the nature of your interaction with her father is that you two co-parent reasonably well together, but just don't get along on an interpersonal level.

 

If she one day wants to change her last name when she's an adult, that's her decision. Until then, you should leave it alone. I get along quite well with my kids' mother, and we co-parent successfully. She has remarried and taken her husband's last name. He's a pretty good guy, and seems like a decent stepfather. And I assure you that if she ever tried to change my kids' last name to his, I would fight her tooth and nail. He is not their father. I am. And that will never change.

[Eve]

I agree that going through with any name change is essentially a dig at the natural Dad and could cause endless upset. If he was not present or abusive, fair enough but really whats done is done. Let your daughter have an undisturbed relationship with her dad. As long as he loves his daughter, leave the man alone.

 

Take care,

Eve xx

[Starring_Emma]

It's the child's birth right to have her fathers name. Just because the mother is the birth giver doesn't mean that she can change the rules.

[against_all_odds]

I believe that the last name doesnt mean anything..my son has his dads last name and it doesnt change a thing for me...he is a good dad to my son but regardless my sons last name doesnt change the fact that he is my son....

 

To me anyone can give a child someones last name but being a dad and a mum is more than just the title its actually being a loving and caing parent.As long as the child is happy and content why change the childs name because you 2 as adults have rows ...its petty a name doesnt mean a thing!

[Nynn]

I wouldn't change it, but have you considered adding your last name and giving her a double-barreled name?

 

We are currently doing this for our kids as they have their Dad's last name and we'd like them to have both mine and his.

[Norman Bates]

Have you considered how your daughter would feel? and what you will say to her when she asks why you want it changed?