brainyblonde Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 i'm posting on here instead of contacting MM! 3wks tomorrow since i told his W, and i wonder when my karma is going to end. considering how many times i asked for NC during our affair, as the roller coaster was too emotionally intense for me, i still struggle to accept that he has just managed to switch me off from him life. he has managed the NC since i told his wife about the A, whereas i have sent a couple of emails, which have had no replies. previous NC's haven't lasted long at all. i have started to see another guy, single, very nice, but i can't seem to get my head in gear with him. and all i keep doing is compare him to the MM. why can't i think of the MM in terms of a lying cheat who f***** up my life big time? instead i just think of the new guy as not a patch on the MM. i seem to have several issues: * i still want the MM (he obviously doesn't want me, NC since i told the wife). it seems everyone elses M breaks up, yet his doesn't?? * i'm soo curious as to how his M is doing (it seems/feels like its only me having the karma/hurt, while he continues to be M) * when will my head get over the MM, so i can enjoy intimacy, etc with a new man, instead of thinking no one can match up to the MM * i should really have a period of NO men, but after having a M (which ended a yr ago) & an A for the last 3 years, i seem to need validating by a man, even though i know the new man isn't right. i feel 'lost' and lonely without a man?? * my doctor has identified that i have low self-esteem when it comes to men, in other aspects of my life I am strong, confident & assertive. why is that? * i think i just want to hear from the MM to get an update. was he lying to me all the time about leaving? why did his lies get more extreme, the more I became unsatisfied with him going home to his W & family every night? has he been told to have NC with me, so it's not been his decision? * the sex/intimacy was amazing with the MM, the best i've ever had in my life. can i get that again with someone else? * is the BS just carrying on life as normal? why does she want to keep with a cheater? i thought she may have contacted me to find out answers, but i've had silence from her aswell! thank you so much for all your other replies to my other posts, believe me, i appreciate every one of them, and thank heaven for this site!
whichwayisup Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 3wks tomorrow since i told his W, and i wonder when my karma is going to end. considering how many times i asked for NC during our affair, as the roller coaster was too emotionally intense for me, i still struggle to accept that he has just managed to switch me off from him life. he has managed the NC since i told his wife about the A, whereas i have sent a couple of emails, which have had no replies. previous NC's haven't lasted long at all. He is in total NC mode with you because you ended the A offically when you told his wife. Be happy it's all over..Make peace with it and let yourself start to heal. No more rollercoster rides, no more up's and down's.. Wondering is he going to leave her? Now you know he isn't, even more so since he isn't replying to your emails. i have started to see another guy, single, very nice, but i can't seem to get my head in gear with him. and all i keep doing is compare him to the MM. why can't i think of the MM in terms of a lying cheat who f***** up my life big time? instead i just think of the new guy as not a patch on the MM. Why add MORE drama into your life by dating someone when you're obviously not ready to. What if this new guy really likes you? Has abit of hope? You're nowhere ready to committ to the new guy since you still love your (ex)MM. Noone will ever compare until you've let go and moved on..SInce you still want exMM, the guy new doesn't have a chance in heck. * i still want the MM (he obviously doesn't want me, NC since i told the wife). it seems everyone elses M breaks up, yet his doesn't?? Not true at all. Most that have a D-Day don't end up divorcing, unless the A continues and more lies/betrayal still happen. Seems your MM has chosen to work it out with his wife, not leave her. It also could mean, in your case, that you were just an affair, the OW, and he never had any intention of leaving his wife and family.. Which is probably why he's doing so well by sticking to NC. * i'm soo curious as to how his M is doing (it seems/feels like its only me having the karma/hurt, while he continues to be M) Oh I'm sure he's paying for his cheating ways.. His wife has had her whole world torn apart, turned upside down.. He hasn't gotten off easy.. She's hurting, he's hurting - So don't think that you're the only one in pain. Imagine HER pain since they have a life together and all that she knows and has trusted has gone down the tubes.. * when will my head get over the MM, so i can enjoy intimacy, etc with a new man, instead of thinking no one can match up to the MM When you accept it is totally over and begin your grieving process. Give up hope, stop wondering about him, his wife and their marriage. It's all up to you! * i should really have a period of NO men, but after having a M (which ended a yr ago) & an A for the last 3 years, i seem to need validating by a man, even though i know the new man isn't right. i feel 'lost' and lonely without a man?? Get therapy and work on yourself. You shouldn't have any men in your life until you can learn to be happy and content without having to rely on others to make you feel good. Learn to be alone and be OK with it. Get your self esteem back and when you're really ready a great (SINGLE) guy will come into your life when the timing is right. * my doctor has identified that i have low self-esteem when it comes to men, in other aspects of my life I am strong, confident & assertive. why is that? Again, counselling will help you.. * i think i just want to hear from the MM to get an update. was he lying to me all the time about leaving? why did his lies get more extreme, the more I became unsatisfied with him going home to his W & family every night? has he been told to have NC with me, so it's not been his decision? No, it's his decision too. She's enforced it and he has chosen to do NC with you, so respect that and leave him alone. Stop emailing him, his life now and his marriage isn't any of your business.. Let go. * the sex/intimacy was amazing with the MM, the best i've ever had in my life. can i get that again with someone else? When you're over him, yes. * is the BS just carrying on life as normal? why does she want to keep with a cheater? i thought she may have contacted me to find out answers, but i've had silence from her aswell! Ofcourse not! You're fooling yourself if you believe that all is OK at home with them. Come on.. Go read some threads in the infidelity section so you can see the pain and devastation that a betrayed spouse goes through. This is HER husband..Someone she married, had children with, created a life with.. Why should she just hand over her H to you without fighting for him? People deserve second chances and if she loves him enough, and he's willing to do all that he can to make it right again, good for them! Don't contact either of them. Leave them alone. Let me ask you, why would YOU want someone who you know is a cheater? Someone whom you've just had an affair with? Someone who's more or less used you for their own ego feed? SUre he may have cared for you but not enough for him to leave his wife and family for you and the unknown.
bentnotbroken Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 You need to concentrate on you and leave what is happening to his wife out of this. As a FBS, she has had her world blown apart by the person she trusted, with your help. She isn't living anything normally. She doesn't have a clue what normal is anymore. If you feel the need to question what is happening in their home, go read some of the posts from the infidelity section. It ain't pretty and she brought no of it into her life, you and the butt she is married to did that for her.
skylarblue Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 I'm curious as to if you told his W about the A to permanently end it or in hopes that his M would end?
stillafool Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Ofcourse not! You're fooling yourself if you believe that all is OK at home with them. Come on.. Go read some threads in the infidelity section so you can see the pain and devastation that a betrayed spouse goes through. This is HER husband..Someone she married, had children with, created a life with.. Why should she just hand over her H to you without fighting for him? People deserve second chances and if she loves him enough, and he's willing to do all that he can to make it right again, good for them! Exactly! You didn't want to give him up and you aren't even married to him so you can imagine how she feels. Also things are not going smoothly at their home right now. He is jumping through hoops to make up to her what he has done. Don't contact either of them. Leave them alone. Absolutely leave them alone. You knew when you told his wife that he would not contact you anymore. You broke the spell. Rarely does the MM leave his wife as promised. They are such liars. Let me ask you, why would YOU want someone who you know is a cheater? Someone whom you've just had an affair with? Someone who's more or less used you for their own ego feed? SUre he may have cared for you but not enough for him to leave his wife and family for you and the unknown. I have to ask you the same questions. At this point it should be easy to get over him. Try telling yourself this every time you want him back. "No, he doesn't love me or he would have chosen me and that's that." It really does help to keep reminding yourself of this because if you still feel like he loves you you will never get over him. Don't date other men right now. Just decide you are going to be a strong woman this time and stand on your own without a man so you will attract the right type of man when you are ready. Find hobbies or take a class. Stop making men your entire focus.
NowhereToHide Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 i'm posting on here instead of contacting MM! 3wks tomorrow since i told his W, and i wonder when my karma is going to end. considering how many times i asked for NC during our affair, as the roller coaster was too emotionally intense for me, i still struggle to accept that he has just managed to switch me off from him life. he has managed the NC since i told his wife about the A, whereas i have sent a couple of emails, which have had no replies. previous NC's haven't lasted long at all. i have started to see another guy, single, very nice, but i can't seem to get my head in gear with him. and all i keep doing is compare him to the MM. why can't i think of the MM in terms of a lying cheat who f***** up my life big time? instead i just think of the new guy as not a patch on the MM. i seem to have several issues: * i still want the MM (he obviously doesn't want me, NC since i told the wife). it seems everyone elses M breaks up, yet his doesn't?? * i'm soo curious as to how his M is doing (it seems/feels like its only me having the karma/hurt, while he continues to be M) * when will my head get over the MM, so i can enjoy intimacy, etc with a new man, instead of thinking no one can match up to the MM * i should really have a period of NO men, but after having a M (which ended a yr ago) & an A for the last 3 years, i seem to need validating by a man, even though i know the new man isn't right. i feel 'lost' and lonely without a man?? * my doctor has identified that i have low self-esteem when it comes to men, in other aspects of my life I am strong, confident & assertive. why is that? * i think i just want to hear from the MM to get an update. was he lying to me all the time about leaving? why did his lies get more extreme, the more I became unsatisfied with him going home to his W & family every night? has he been told to have NC with me, so it's not been his decision? * the sex/intimacy was amazing with the MM, the best i've ever had in my life. can i get that again with someone else? * is the BS just carrying on life as normal? why does she want to keep with a cheater? i thought she may have contacted me to find out answers, but i've had silence from her aswell! thank you so much for all your other replies to my other posts, believe me, i appreciate every one of them, and thank heaven for this site! BB... I'm sorry for your pain. From what I can tell, you are going to get slammed on here for still having trouble getting over your MM. Affairs rarely end well for anyone involved. You are dealing with a loss. Many people have the stereotype that the OW is a heartless whore who is out to steal anyone's husband they can get their hands on. The truth is, many OW's fall in love. If you're not already doing so, I would suggest you enter counseling. I wouldn't try entering into any other relationships right now. If your issues of self esteem with men continue, you're going to be doomed to make the same types of mistakes. A therapist can help you heal and understand why you think you deserve so little... he/she can also be there to listen. What you had was over. You need time to grieve and move on. It will get easier. Good luck.
NoIDidn't Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 BB... I'm sorry for your pain. From what I can tell, you are going to get slammed on here for still having trouble getting over your MM. Affairs rarely end well for anyone involved. You are dealing with a loss. Many people have the stereotype that the OW is a heartless whore who is out to steal anyone's husband they can get their hands on. The truth is, many OW's fall in love. What is up with people trashing other people's posts all because they disagree?!! She didn't get slammed. She got the "Reality Treatment". She shouldn't be concerned about their marriage or how things are going. She ratted him out and succeeded in unifying him and his W (for a time, anyway). ----------------- BB, therapy sounds like it is in order for you. No one has said anything about you being a the above bolded except for Nowhere. I don't think anyone that has posted to you so far believes that you are anything like that. Rebuild your self-esteem when it comes to intimate relationships with men, set some firm boundaries for them, and you will get over MM pretty quickly. Seems he was fine with allowing you access to things that you should not have had...until you told his W.
frannie Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 Hello BB, and well done for posting here instead of contacting him again! Three weeks is no time at all in terms of either you getting over him and what happened, or them forgetting everything and getting back to life as usual! The best thing you can do for yourself is to begin to focus on you, and I think it's good that you're talking to your doctor about it. Identifying where your problems lie is most important. Simply leaping into something else with another man is not going to be useful at this stage other than perhaps something to take your mind off everything. You're not going to be in a fit mental state to begin proper dating as such. Regarding marriages failing after infidelity, as far as I've seen there are very few which end right after Dday. While I would say that the majority of marriages do eventually end after infidelity (going on posts on forums, that is, which isn't exacty an accurate representation no doubt), from what I have seen it takes up to three years for a divorce or separation post Dday. And that is with or without further Ddays. In other words, I wouldn't expect anything whatever in the near future. However, I know from personal experience that 'forgetting about' their marriage is next to impossible, so I wouldn't force yourself into that. Rather try to limit the amount of mental energy you give to it, and try to give equal amounts to yourself in this difficult time. Once again, well done for posting rather than contacting him! The best thing you can do for now is to remain in NC
NowhereToHide Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 What is up with people trashing other people's posts all because they disagree?!! She didn't get slammed. She got the "Reality Treatment". She shouldn't be concerned about their marriage or how things are going. She ratted him out and succeeded in unifying him and his W (for a time, anyway). ----------------- BB, therapy sounds like it is in order for you. No one has said anything about you being a the above bolded except for Nowhere. I don't think anyone that has posted to you so far believes that you are anything like that. Rebuild your self-esteem when it comes to intimate relationships with men, set some firm boundaries for them, and you will get over MM pretty quickly. Seems he was fine with allowing you access to things that you should not have had...until you told his W. Sorry, NID.... I didn't mean any disrespect. I have been lurking for awhile... when I wrote this I had just finished reading a pretty harsh post to another OW who was having trouble getting over her situation.
herenow Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 Instead of speaking as a BW to an OW, I want to say this to you as a woman. When I was faced with the pain of betrayal, I felt my world had been destroyed. As a woman, I felt I was defined by my family unit. My role as wife and mother took over and when I was faced with one of those roles going away, it was terrifying. However, I knew that I needed to find a way to be happy with myself before I could even think about fixing anything else in my life. I took that time to be alone. It was hard at first because no one around me was alone. Sure I have my kids and they mean the world to me. But, the comfort and intimacy of a man was now gone. It didn't take long before I realized I could be happy alone. There was so much about me that had been on the back burner for so long, I forgot who I really was. Having taken that time, I was able to start to rebuild every relationship in my life. I'm now a better wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, etc. Take that time for yourself. You will find that you can be happy and then you will be able to let new people into your life and form better relationships.
NowhereToHide Posted September 30, 2009 Posted September 30, 2009 Instead of speaking as a BW to an OW, I want to say this to you as a woman. When I was faced with the pain of betrayal, I felt my world had been destroyed. As a woman, I felt I was defined by my family unit. My role as wife and mother took over and when I was faced with one of those roles going away, it was terrifying. However, I knew that I needed to find a way to be happy with myself before I could even think about fixing anything else in my life. I took that time to be alone. It was hard at first because no one around me was alone. Sure I have my kids and they mean the world to me. But, the comfort and intimacy of a man was now gone. It didn't take long before I realized I could be happy alone. There was so much about me that had been on the back burner for so long, I forgot who I really was. Having taken that time, I was able to start to rebuild every relationship in my life. I'm now a better wife, mother, sister, daughter, friend, etc. Take that time for yourself. You will find that you can be happy and then you will be able to let new people into your life and form better relationships. Really well said.
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