Wife Says I Annoy Her All The Time. Says I Have Never Loved Her.

[bzowk]

Hello All -

 

I need some advise.

 

My wife and I have been married for about 15 months. She is 25 and comes from divorced parents with a loving mother and father who is has heart issues, is a former alchoholic, and wasn't there during her childhood. She graduated college a couple of years ago but is now a couple months away from getting her masters in teaching.

 

I am 31 and come from a loving family that has always tried to be supportive of me. I am an alcoholic and have been sober for about 2 years now. I partied my way out of college, but have done very well in the IT industry. Even though I've made 95% of the money for us because of her school, she handles it - honestly because she's better at it than me and would freak out if she didn't.

 

Our relationship has been getting more rocky recently. It's been rough for a while, but is getting worse. She has told me how unhappy she is about us and that she feels like I don't love her anymore. Actually, she has before told me that she never thought I loved her ever and is sure that one day I would leave her. We've had sex 1, maybe 2 times in the past 2 months.

 

She is my world and I love her very much. I try to do everything I can to show my love, but she doesn't really recognise it. I try to be a gentlman and romantic as often as possible. Se, however, doesn't show too much and only does things if it's a reply to my showing, but that's rare.

 

Every time I try to do something nice, she doesn't like it. 2 recent exaplmes off the top of my head are the last 2 times ai cooked for her. the first she was not feeling well so i made a big tray for supper will all kinds of hearts i made out of napkins, soup, jello - anything to make her feel better -and she saw it and refusede to eat it because the chicken soup wasn't the type she liked. tonight I made just plain old tacos but after critisizing me on how they looked, she took a byte and said something was rotten so got up and threw hers away and walked away. She can be nice, but usually thinks only of herself not realizing how she's acting.

 

During an argument tonight, she said that I get on her nerves about everything and never do anything right. She says that she can't stand me and that I'm annoying to her. She asked if I really thought we'd be married at age 90 and I said I hoped so. Then she rolled her eyes. I said that I was going to drive around the neighborhood to get out of the house a bit and she said that if i leave she's gone for good. - You see, her dad left when she was young so she's always said if i ever leave - even if i say it's only for a minute - and we are in an argument - she views it as me leaving her for good and will refuse to have anything to do with me. The while thing has nothing to do with anything i did ever. I almost left tonight, but decided to do other stuff instead to cool down and found this site.

 

She thinks that I tell my mom everything behind her back and that everyone is out to get her. (She asked me tonight if I called her during a 15 minute lull) Fact is I don't talk to her about it as it's my business. She says that she wouldn't be surprised if I'm cheating on her and has accused me before a couple of times. I never have nor thought about it.

 

I have suggested therapy, but she refuses to go because she says it's stupid and she doesn't want to pay someone $150/hr to listen then teach us conversation excersises. I've done it before a few years ago and it has wroked very well for me.

 

I could type all night, but if i make this too ling, no one will read / respond. Maybe it's that long already.

 

Someone - Please Help! - Thanks for your time.

[westrock]

She is 25 and comes from divorced parents with a loving mother and father who is has heart issues, is a former alchoholic, and wasn't there during her childhood.

 

What is her relationship like with her father now?

 

She graduated college a couple of years ago but is now a couple months away from getting her masters in teaching.

 

How does she feel about this? Does she feel ready to go into the workforce?

 

You see, her dad left when she was young so she's always said if i ever leave - even if i say it's only for a minute - and we are in an argument - she views it as me leaving her for good and will refuse to have anything to do with me.

 

It seems her issues with her father are still unresolved. When you are in an argument with her, it would be wise to be aware of this senstive trigger for her and not leave.

[whichwayisup]

She's reacting..It's all fear based as she knows therapy means facing some painful things from her past.

 

You go..Hopefully she will join you.

 

Keep telling her you love her and adore her..She needs to hear it..Be patient.

[carhill]

This probably won't set well with some, but I hear a lot of little key words that impel me to suggest that you get some IC to save your sanity and then decide if you want to continue in this.

 

I got out, but that may not be your path. You know what's going on is unhealthy and you seem to be shouldering all the responsibility. Time for her to pull up her Pampers and get with the program.

[bzowk]

Thanks for your reply.

 

I guess she has forgiven her father now. We often go visit him and stay for the weekend. Since is is very sick, though, he lives with his parents which is difficult.

 

She thinks she knows more than most about business even though she has only worked for about 3-4 years. She loves teaching and I think she's great at it, but lets all the frustration out on me.

 

In arguments, I don't leave, but the trying part is that she does. Twice in the past week, we've had an argument and she just drives off without saying a word. Tonight I even said that I was going to drive around for 20 minutes and be back. She laughed and said that she wouldn't be here afterwards. I want to be a man, but guess I'm too compasionate.

[bzowk]

To: whichwayisup:

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

The guy i used to go to is very good and offered free marrage counseling for us before our marrage. She said later that I treat him like my god.

 

I 've told her the couple of times i brought it up that we could go to anyone - even preacher - but she isn't keen on it. I'd really like to go myself, but can't afford it since we have a new house and i'm the only one bringing in the $ until Jan.

 

Speaking of - I've always supported her in going to school to get her masters 110%. She knew that it would mean our first 1 1/2 years of marrage would be w/o her pay, but I've always said it's okay because I want her happieness to be #1

[Angel1111]

I agree with carhill. There are lots of red flags in your post. One of the big ones that stands out is control. She is trying to control everything you do, and when you do things, they're never good enough. This is a way to keep you walking on eggshells so that you never feel like you're good enough. Even when you need to get out and cool down, she gives you an ultimatum.

 

I hate to tell you this but you have a very difficult relationship on your hands and it will most likely always be that way. My nephew is married to someone like this and she drives him completely nuts. If it weren't for their two kids, he would leave her. They are so alienated from one another that it's really sad. As it is, he just works a lot to get away from her. She has even resorted to hitting him and she's verbally abusive toward him. Their relationship centers around her fears because her dad left their mother for another woman. She constantly accuses my nephew of cheating and is constantly jealous of him. It's sad what her childhood was like, but she has allowed it to turn her into a monster.

 

You're in a very similar relationship as my newphew and because your wife refuses to even address the problem, your situation doesn't look promising. If you intend to stay in this marriage, be prepared for things to escalate and get worse as time goes by. You can fastforward a few years ahead and look at my nephew's marriage - this is the road you're headed down.

[bzowk]

IC? (I've been racking my brain but can't get it)

 

 

This probably won't set well with some, but I hear a lot of little key words that impel me to suggest that you get some IC to save your sanity and then decide if you want to continue in this.

 

I got out, but that may not be your path. You know what's going on is unhealthy and you seem to be shouldering all the responsibility. Time for her to pull up her Pampers and get with the program.

[deux ex machina]

...I have suggested therapy, but she refuses to go because she says it's stupid and she doesn't want to pay someone $150/hr to listen then teach us conversation excersises. I've done it before a few years ago and it has wroked very well for me...

 

This part needs to be where you (the only one you can control - you), need to make this clear to her is your line that she doesn't get to cross.

 

She'll either work with you or she won't.

 

Whether she goes or doesn't, get help for you anyway.

 

She isn't taking responsiblity for her own mental health - which is a unacceptable.

 

She does not get a free pass to hide behind her sickness from you.

 

You can be kind and compassionate, and still set this boundary.

 

Best of luck.

[Angel1111]

IC? (I've been racking my brain but can't get it)

 

IC = Individual counseling

[carhill]

The best way to see this in a healthy way is to switch genders. If you were behaving this way, how would you expect your wife (and nearly every woman on this forum) to react?

 

IMO, women do not get a pass on remission of respectful and loving behaviors simply because they have a vagina, a past, baggage and issues. We all have them. Like our MC said often, 'everyone has their stuff'. Adults face their stuff and deal with it. Or they don't.

 

OP, don't ever sacrifice yourself at the altar of a woman. It will not enure you to a free ride through the pearly gates.

[mem11363]

bz,

Have you ever spent time with a child who has been spoiled rotten by their parents? If you have you will note two very certain behavior patterns:

1. They treat other people terribly

2. They are very unhappy

 

You are in the process of creating a "spoiled spouse". Actually I think you already have done. Which means she is guaranteed to be mean to you (see item 1 above) and to be miserable see item 2.

 

Spouses who are chronic and blatant bullies avoid MC like the plague. They already know the therapist will quickly figure them out.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

To: whichwayisup:

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

The guy i used to go to is very good and offered free marrage counseling for us before our marrage. She said later that I treat him like my god.

 

I 've told her the couple of times i brought it up that we could go to anyone - even preacher - but she isn't keen on it. I'd really like to go myself, but can't afford it since we have a new house and i'm the only one bringing in the $ until Jan.

 

Speaking of - I've always supported her in going to school to get her masters 110%. She knew that it would mean our first 1 1/2 years of marrage would be w/o her pay, but I've always said it's okay because I want her happieness to be #1

[bzowk]

Well, first, thank you all for your replys. I appreciate your comments.

 

I was just thinking about contacting my therapist Monday, but should I say that I made an appointent for me but I'd prefer that we both go and then go myself if need be? I can bet already that she will accuse me of talking negative about her or perhaps telling the therapist only my side. Even though I hope this would convince her to go, I'm sure it will add much more anger and even a threat in the process. If not, she's say it's way too expensive and that we can't afford it.

 

Any ides on how to approach this? - Thanks again

[carhill]

OP, I forgot to mention that therapy also helped with teaching psychological tools to process the dynamic differently; to change action and reaction to similar stimulus.

 

Since she says therapy is too expensive, use 'your' money (your separate spending money) and go for yourself, always leaving the door open for her to join you in a MC session. My stbx never refused MC, but she was the one who suggested ending it. After 14 months, I agreed

 

Lastly, make sure the therapist is a clinical psychologist with marriage counseling training, since your W's issues are deeply rooted and have had a cumulative effect on your psyche. You'll face issues of your own; your 'stuff', in there. Face your fears. Fear is a tough one. I can empathize with you. Keep posting

[deux ex machina]

Well, first, thank you all for your replys. I appreciate your comments.

 

I was just thinking about contacting my therapist Monday, but should I say that I made an appointent for me but I'd prefer that we both go and then go myself if need be?

 

I like that approach. You are going.

 

"Coming along or not - your choice, babe."

 

Do not let her stop you - do not let her ask about your motives or get into it with you about it in any way. You will not engage in a fight about this.

 

You are going. You very, very much want her to as well. But it is up to her.

 

End of.

 

 

I can bet already that she will accuse me of talking negative about her or perhaps telling the therapist only my side.

 

Because she will.

 

 

Even though I hope this would convince her to go, I'm sure it will add much more anger and even a threat in the process. If not, she's say it's way too expensive and that we can't afford it.

 

Any ides on how to approach this? - Thanks again

 

You will not engage with her on this issue.

 

You have to accept that her anger is hers to own, not yours.

[Angel1111]

Well, first, thank you all for your replys. I appreciate your comments.

 

I was just thinking about contacting my therapist Monday, but should I say that I made an appointent for me but I'd prefer that we both go and then go myself if need be? I can bet already that she will accuse me of talking negative about her or perhaps telling the therapist only my side. Even though I hope this would convince her to go, I'm sure it will add much more anger and even a threat in the process. If not, she's say it's way too expensive and that we can't afford it.

 

Any ides on how to approach this? - Thanks again

 

The short answer is that you're wasting your time and just need to get out of the marriage. But, of course, you're not going to do that and I understand. I was just hoping to save you a few wasted years of your life.

 

The other solution is to do what I did to my husband (now ex) - I gave HIM an ultimatum. I told him that if he didn't go to counseling with me, then our marriage was over. Suddenly, Mr. Tough Guy turned into a lamb and agreed because he knew I wasn't kidding around. But, the night before we were to go to counseling, he did everything in his power to get out of it, even starting an argument about it. I told him that he didn't have to go and I would be more than willing to walk away. After a few weeks of counseling, nothing changed between us and when I brought it up to the counselor, he said that he thought we needed to split up. Now how many times does a counselor say something like that???

 

How do you handle it? You need to develop some strong boudaries with this woman or she will continue to walk all over you. Which, by the way, she is doing whether you realize it or not. She is insulting and rude and abusive. If you intend to be in this marriage long-term, you had better start letting her know where the line is and that she had better not cross it. And, by the way, this will be a lifelong battle so prepare yourself for a lot of misery. Sorry to be so negative but I spent a lot of time tryin to fix an unfixable marriage. People like this do not change. Period.

[giotto]

^^^^ This!

[Athena]

Download the e-book, "No more Mr. Nice Guy" it'll really open your eyes to your situation.

 

 

Do it.

[Athena]

She says that she wouldn't be surprised if I'm cheating on her and has accused me before a couple of times. I never have nor thought about it.

 

---I have suggested therapy, but she refuses to go

 

Okay, this is a stretch, but all the signs for her CHEATING are there: She is not making love with you, she is emotionally distant, everything you do annoys her, she ACCUSES YOU of possibly cheating, she refuses therapy

 

Dig deep. Look for signs of her cheating.

You say you are IT? Put a keylogger on her computer. GPS on her car, or at least a voice-activated-recorder under the seat with the microphone up the steering wheel, look at her cell phone whenever you can... there is something very fishy about the way your wife is acting. Seen it over and over again on these boards. LOOK into this first, do not accuse her first, or ask her, because she will deny it, then tighten her security.

 

There's a good book called "Is he cheating on you? 829 Telltale signs" by Ruth Houston.

It's good for either spouse.

[LucreziaBorgia]

It sounds like she was looking for a 'daddy', didn't like what she found, and is punishing you for her own lack of emotional maturity and capacity for mature, reciprocal love.

 

I think she is projecting her self hatred onto you.

 

Either that or she was using your marriage as some sort of escape and financial padding, and now that she is on the cusp of getting her Masters she may feel she has outgrown her need for you.

 

Either way, what she is doing is abusive and inexcusable. She needs to either work helping you fix what is broken, or she needs to be cut loose. No one should have to live with the equivalent of a sullen, immature, emo teenager posing as a grown woman and a wife.

[seibert253]

Your wife sounds very selfish. If she won't do counseling, you may have to sit down and have "the talk" and explain everything. How you feel, how you've tried, give examples like you've given us, then tell her if you she cannot be thankful for the things you do, then someone else will.

[Mr. Lucky]

I think she is projecting her self hatred onto you.

To me, this says it all. You can't love someone else if you don't like your self and all this "I know you'll leave me" indicates very low self-esteem. Long road ahead and only you can decide if it's worth the journey...

 

Mr. Lucky