feelrealempty Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 I told him break and we're through. Now as I sit here and cry yet another night away, I want so badly to take it back. I want to send Him a letter but dont know what to say. I wish this all never happened and I wish I didnt have to blame myself. I wish time would just stop so the pain would go away. I wish I knew that everytime he told me he loved me that he meant it, so that maybe he wont be able to live without me. I wish I did a better job of trying to hold it together. Not only for me but for our kids. I wish that I knew what the future holds for us or me so it didnt seem so pointless to go on. I wish I was as strong as he is.. How the FFFF is he not thinking of us, not missing us, not wanting us there? How is he not spending every minute crying and in pain, cause I am......... I need to get my stuff and my animals out of the house but Im putting it off because its going to kill me, and I know that will mean its really over. I was thinking about it before and when this has happened before I moved on and got over it knowing in my head it was over, why cant I do that this time???? Why has this happened so many times?? Why do I still want him after all this SH**??? I know its alot of ??? but god this is so bad right now I couldnt even get off the couch today... I guess if I wanted to take back what I said and tell him if he just needs a break Ill be here waiting if he decides he wants to try again that would make me a total fool right? Sorry for the rambling again nowhere else to turn.............:sick::sick:
Gunny376 Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Your mind is just a jumbled mess right now. Your a basketful of contradicting emotions at the moment. You can bet the farm that what your going through? He's going through is not X's 2. He's just better at not showing it. So you need to get better at not showing it to him. DO NOT WRITE NOR SEND ANY LETTERS, E-MAILS, NOR TEXTS! If he comes back? It will be on your terms and conditions. If he doesn't come back? Your better off without him. And he wasn't worthy of you and your love. People come and people go, buts there's no one monkey that makes a show. Someone leaves you? All that means is that you've got to get your act together and find yourself someone that is worthy and deserving of what you've got to offer and bring to the table. Break? There's no such thing once you get out of school. Its hit the ground running, and doing the best that you can, giving it all that you can. IMHO? He's a weak minded SOB! Once a man takes on a wife/SO and children? Its time to 'man-up', show up and be a man. That means your wife/SO come before you, your wants, needs, and desires. Life is hard! Its harder for those that are stupid! There's a difference between being ignorant and stupid. I can forgive ignorance. Ignorance is just not knowing any better. Stupidity is knowing better and going ahead and doing (or not doing) something you know you shouldn't (or should) do. You need to seriously think about how it is that you go it in your head that this guy is the one and only to end all to end all? Where did you pick up in your head that this guy is the best and the one and only you can get. Nothing in this life is final except the grave. I know a couple that was married for ten years ~ got divorced ~ re-married others ~ got divorced and then re-married each other. Lupa is a good example. Dated a gal back in the day, broke up, got married to another ~ going through a divorce with the STBXW ~ and now back with the GF from back in the day. Worse case? Its the end of your relationship ~ not your Life, and I'm suspecting your still relatively young with a lot of years to live. Don't waste the prime of your Life on someone that "needs a break" Either he's in? Or he's out! In for a penny ~ in for a pound! Marriage is suppose to be about 'come Hell or high water' and beyond.
Auroracoladybug Posted September 27, 2009 Posted September 27, 2009 Thanks for that post Gunny...I was feeling much the same...even told J that I would be there for him if he wanted me...if you look at my thread he has been nothing but self-centered and horrible to my emotions... I think everyone needs a dose of Gunny...you really should write a book
Author feelrealempty Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 My day was hell. My son starting asking me on Thrusday after dinner with his father if he could go over there today, first I did ask his father why he would have even mentioned it because it is my weekend, to which he replied "well I told him it was ok but we need to ask mommy if its ok" so now I'm the bad guy if I say no right> Well this morning my son started calling him at about 11am didnt answer "typical" then again about 230 he finally answer around 3pm, told me hed be here in a little while to get him after I said I wouldnt drive him. At about 430 he called me to tell me one of his friends would be here to pick up our son, I asked that he have him back early for dinner. He then told me he would feed him. Well candy he had for dinner nice nice nice........ I called him to ask if my son was telling me the truth and he told me yes because he had had so much while watching a movie he didnt want to give him anything else BS bad bad bad...... Then he tells me he forgot to give me a check for Child SUpport I could pick it up frm the mailbox tomorrow after work, I told him that was ok I would wait until Tuesday when he takes the kids to dinner. So bottom line is I let my son go over there as to not hurt my child because he doesnt understand everyother weekend yet and not letting him go would only hurt him. But then I had to talk to him and get upset today when I shouldnt have had to ..UUUGGGGHHHHH Just venting, I just cant believe him... How the hell is he ok with this He didnt ask how our daughter was and I told him earlier she was getting sick. He just goes on about his life like it doesnt bother him at all. I would die without seeing them or knowing how they were every minute. OMG How can he just give up when i said I was willing to do anything>>> He isnt pushing me to get my stuff out just yet and said he would help me, Im stalling for many reasons I guess.. I know once I do its really over, Its going to break my heart worse to do it,and to go there again, I know its going to kill my son to see it happen cause he keeps asking when we are going back home because its where he wants to be...... How is he just shutting everything off when the kids are so important how is he being soooo strong????? PS Thanks Gunny Im going to go back and reread your reply again right now>>>>>>>>>
Angel1111 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 You're creating way more drama than is necessary right now. It's understandable, this is an emotionally charged situation. But if you would just calm down things would go much smoother. First of all, just because you pick up your stuff is not some code for it really being over. People go back and forth all the time when they break up and I'm guessing you and your husband will do the same thing. Picking up stuff has got nothing to do with anything. Neither do you need to confront him about what he does or doesn't do with the kids when he has them, or worry about why he isn't asking questions. Men are very, very good at appearing very cold and uncaring when they're hurting really badly. So don't get sucked into that game. Of course he cares because you guys had a life together. If your kids are hungry after visiting him, then feed them. If you start this kind of thing, you're just going to start a war and your kids will be the ones caught in the crossfire. In the beginning of a separation, it's not a bad idea to let the kids see whichever parent they want to see - within reason. Just don't let them start playing games. Believe me when I tell you that they figure this out very quickly. And don't let your kids get into the habit of talking about daddy and daddy's life so that they can play you and watch you get wound up. If you start teaching the kids that they can do this and play you two off of one another, you're really setting yourself up for trouble. Shut them down when they're not telling you anything important. As far as the food, I'm sure he'll feed them the majority of the time they're with him. This is all new and it's too soon to be making judgements about this stuff. He's probably doing things to push your buttons. Don't play the game. The biggest problem you have right now is that you're very ready to cave in when you set up a boundary that was probably on target. I don't know exactly what your ultimatum was or why you gave it, but you must've had a good reason for it. There is nothing more nauseating to men than a woman who has no backbone or self-respect. If you can't hold to your standards, he'll completely lose respect for you. Don't go there. When he gets sick to death of being without his family, I guarantee you'll be hearing from him. If you become strong and sure, he'll do a double take. Do not back down on the things you believe in just because your standards create these consequences. That's the result and it probably needed to happen. Just do yourself a favor and stop creating all this drama inside your head. Get a grip because your kids don't need you falling apart.
wookie130 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 Wow, Angel, that was excellent advice, and I whole-heartedly agree!!!
Author feelrealempty Posted September 28, 2009 Author Posted September 28, 2009 Thank you very much as always for the replies. I was just venting I know he wont do things exactly as I would but he will always take care of them. Im just a wreck of emotions right now.... I did not and wont as far I can see anytime soon go back on what I said to him about it being over. The thing with us is that unfortunatly this isnt the first time Ive left (usually because of him) this time I do feel like should take alot of the blame. I said it was over because I would not take a break and then go back AGAIN. That is the biggest reason for me not getting my stuff out yet. Im just stalling hoping that he will decide to try and work on us together before too much time goes by....
Gunny376 Posted September 28, 2009 Posted September 28, 2009 We teach people how to treat and react to us. Obviously this lesson should begin at first contact ~ but its never too late. You should spell out to the DH the rules. Candy does not a dinner make. Nor does fast food. Your weekends are your weekends with the children. Were it me? I'd be all over him like a pack of hungry dogs on the trail of a sick three legged cat. Granted! The guy might be clueless about such things? But its time for him to quit being a fool and get back into school. I wouldn't cut him any slack about the child support. Nor about picking up the children. That's HIS job! Not his friends. Children are precious cargo. You don't know what people are capable of. This guy needs to take some parenting classes. Along with some lessons in responsibility. Tell me again why you want this @zzhat back? I mean really? What is he bringing to the table? What is so great about him that you can't find elsewhere? Just as good as if not better? Just as much if not more? When it comes to breaking up? Not a problem! Just make sure your 'trade up' from what you had. Reclaim your power over your Life. Your life isn't defined by someone else! Its defined by you! And you and you alone. Most people are about as happy as they make their minds up to be. When you give someone else that much authority over you and your life ~ you've given them too much. And they're not giving enough! The problem here is not you. Its that you've got it in your mind that this weak minded SOB has all the answers to all the questions, and all the solutions to all the problems in your life? You and yourself alone hold the answers and the solutions ~ you and you alone hold the keys that bind you! The keys that will set you free! You played your cards, and went DefCon 4 on his @ss! Play the hand! Move out, serve him with Divorce Papers, go the whole nine yards! Don't stop now! I'm willing to bet he'll be back within a week if not two weeks once he learns your not 'playing' with his @zz. If he does? Great! It will be on your terms? If doesn't? Your better off without him ~ and free of dragging a dead horse and saddle around with you everywhere you go! And when he comes begging back? Oh no! It doesn't come that easy! You've got to work for it and earn it! You've got to want and need it! You've got sweat for it! You've got to WORK your way back into my life!
Author feelrealempty Posted September 30, 2009 Author Posted September 30, 2009 Ok so my day started with him calling at 8:15 AM, I answered because I thought meybe it had something to do with him having the kids tonight. WRONG..... He started by asking me if I was coming to change the litter boxes (one of the things and the most important thing I still have at the house MY cats).. Ive already spoken to him about the fact that its going to take a bit for me to get them (issue at my new home).. I will get them its killing me prob more not to be with them. The convo went something like this:: First off Im sick so didnt sound to good this am...... him: good morning, how r u ? wow you sound like you had a great time lastnight... me:WHAt him: you sound like you had a great time lastnight, nevermind not my buisness. me:well Im really sick, how about wow ...... you sound horrible how do you feel?? him: you need to change these boxes.. When? Me: I just did them it seems but I will him: whats the game plan for them anyway? me: I told you already I will get them as soon as I can very soon and I need the rest of my stuff him: yeah tell me about it I KNOW i know me: sorry if its an inconvence him: well I have to sit here and look at it everyday.. take yourself out of your shows for once and put them in mine me: yeah I know I need to pack up the whole house why dont you take yourself out of your shoes and put yourself in mine. It sucks anyway what time are you going to get the kids and drop them off tonight cause I gotta go... He answered and we hung up. Problem is He did this when he knew I was getting the kids ready for school and ready work... Why? he knows what time the kids go to bed and Im up we can talk anytime why when he know I have major stuff does he pick to make me upset??? He knows me enough to know I would get upset at this and still have the kids and work all day....WTF??? So then he comes to pick them up while on his phone so we didnt have to speak....HATE him.... When he brought them home to me My daughter did not want to come to me she cried for him as I took her (granted in only lasted until we went inside) but its almost like he got pleasure from it as it ripped me open...... How can he be choosing this I HAte him.... Luckly the kids were fine once we were in the house... I know I have to get there and get my things and pets with no more putting it off but we do need to speak to our son "I feel" and I dont know when I will be able to ..... I need to talk to him about it and Im trying to avoid him cause he hurts me..... Today sucks.... Thanks Gunny for your strong insperational post really need those sometimes.................. Right now Im looking for ssomeone to tell me why if he wanted this why be mean and tell me you have to look at the stuff...??? WTF its not him that has to move and completely change lives it me and his kids...HAte HATE HATE......................
Author feelrealempty Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 So today another crappy one:::: I texted him this morning he finally called me at work hours later, told him our daughter was sick and going to the doctors. This is his weekend starteing tomorrow night. He said he'd take her and mybe bring he rback early sunday if she wasnt feeling well. I said what about me getting my stuff, He said maybe saturday ill help you get some stuff together if you want. I said I think we should talk to our son first, to which he replied he's a smart kid. BS BS BS I was 22 yrs old my parents talked to me and it killed me then nevermind being 7. Anyway he said he had to go hung up. I texted him shortly after to see if he would have time for lunch or dinner know that we've both calmed down and we can talk rationally about how to approach our 7 yr old son. He repsonds "wont be around working all day and really late and by the way Ive always been calm life is to short and we will both deserve to be happy and I know I could never make you happy" WTF why I wanted to talk about our son and me moving out not us and who will be happier UGHHHHHH So I just replied again need to talk to him I think it should be together and as far as you feeling you could never make me happy Im sorry you feel that way, and Im sorry I could never make you happy. Also by being calm I was talking more about me not being so emotionally upset anymore.... To which I never heard back from him not even to see how the baby made out at the doctors to see what was wrong......... It gets alittle easier everytime he hurts me to hate him and realize how horrible he really is......................
Gunny376 Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 Well the really, really good news is that your better off without this clown, because he really really doesn't have a clue what its all about being a husband nor a parent. I would drop the joint discussion with him with the DS7 because it would probably do more harm than good, given the STBXH's state of awareness and consciousness? Your just going to have to get "Tammy Wynette" on him and spell it out to him (The DS7) as if he was a,..................well seven year old. Like her song "Our D I V O R C E Becomes Final Today" @zzhat knows your buttons to push and he's pushing them. He sounds like a narcissistic work of art. Me, me, me ~ its all about me! What you've got to do is stop reacting to his jabs. Go 'stone-face' and don't play into his BS. Don't depend upon him for anything ~ nothing ~ zilch ~ nadda! The truth of the matter is? Once our parents are gone? We're pretty much on our own in this World.
Gunny376 Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 BTW Kiddo! Your much stronger in all of this than your realize! You've just got to reach inside and find your inner strength. Its there! You've just got to find it!
trippi1432 Posted October 2, 2009 Posted October 2, 2009 "we will both deserve to be happy and I know I could never make you happy" WTF why I wanted to talk about our son and me moving out not us and who will be happier UGHHHHHH So I just replied again need to talk to him I think it should be together and as far as you feeling you could never make me happy Im sorry you feel that way, and Im sorry I could never make you happy. Also by being calm I was talking more about me not being so emotionally upset anymore.... I wish I had seen this post when my STBX pulled that one on me last week, had to leave me so I could be happy, you pulled a great response...I just let mine kick me in the teeth again. You're doing good, keep up the work on you....me, I'm trying to do the same. Hugs!
Author feelrealempty Posted October 2, 2009 Author Posted October 2, 2009 Thank you so much again Gunny always make me think possitive and I love it when someone else sees him for what he is..... How horrible its never him to be the one to see it blah blah blah I know they never do.... Tonight should be fun though he's picking up two sick kids that dont fell good and with "new look" and sometimes pretend "new attitude" cant wait for him to leave knowing Im going out...... I know it sounds childish but I just feel he should hurt too. Plus side is I have finallly gotten in contact with my very first love and hopefully we will finally have a chance to catch up soon (we'll see how that goes) he's always been on my mind from time to time but I havent been free for so long to even think about catching up. (high school sweethearts) Well tonight its all about a good time with coworkers and friends and all about me...................... stay tuned............
trippi1432 Posted October 6, 2009 Posted October 6, 2009 Hi Feel, Haven't seen you in a few days, hope all is well. Be careful with those "old flames", I was cleaning out some stuff over the weekend and came across a pic of my 1st ex who only lives a few towns away....evidently my daughter put it behind one of my pics in a photo frame....got me to thinking that it is about time to sell the house, quit the job, pick up sticks and move to somewhere where no memories exist...fresh start. I'm still considering that after the first of the year...2010 will be my year for new beginnings. I think it will be good for the son...he stated Sunday that he hates this town and wants to get out. He told me today that he just randomly gets sad and then angry at no one in particular (funny, I know exactly what he means by that, except that I do have a target). At any rate....as hard as it is....normal is what you make it....it takes a while to get there. Hugs! Trippi
Author feelrealempty Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 Well hello again.. Thanks for checking on me trippi... Wish I could say my weekend went better than it did I went out with co workers and friends friday and saturday, actually really enjoyed myself, until sunday morning when he dropped off the kids early with a friend along with be so kind as to drop off all my clothes shoes and boxes of misc things that he just threw in bags. Him and a friend dropped them in my hallway. I did go get my cats on Monday night god I missed them soo much and its one thing I'm very happy for, and going there (he wasnt there) wasnt as hard as I thought it may have been. Lastnight I tired to talk to him after he dropped off the kids.. Bad move, very bad night and day today I starting by telling him I did tell our son on sunday after he told me it was my fault that it was noones fault things are bettter this way and everyone will be happier eventually. Well he didnt like that and called me a F up. Told me he did hate me and hated that I did this and pushed him into a corner and no one will be happy and he's not happy when he has to drop off the kids.... Yet then it was but for the first time ever I am at peace and I do love you and you are a good person and we never have to have this conversation again if it doesnt have to do with the kids then we dont need to talk again. I then had a melt down and cried all night. Right now I feel bad for him because I have the kids animals and always a full house never alone, I have a real family which he will never have with his. Thats how I know Im crazy UGGGGHHHH Well thats the latest.. Wish I had good news but right now the only good news is that at this second right now I think Im ok who knows what the next ten minutes will bring.......
trippi1432 Posted October 8, 2009 Posted October 8, 2009 Well hello again.. Thanks for checking on me trippi... Wish I could say my weekend went better than it did I went out with co workers and friends friday and saturday, actually really enjoyed myself, until sunday morning when he dropped off the kids early with a friend along with be so kind as to drop off all my clothes shoes and boxes of misc things that he just threw in bags. Him and a friend dropped them in my hallway. I did go get my cats on Monday night god I missed them soo much and its one thing I'm very happy for, and going there (he wasnt there) wasnt as hard as I thought it may have been. Lastnight I tired to talk to him after he dropped off the kids.. Bad move, very bad night and day today I starting by telling him I did tell our son on sunday after he told me it was my fault that it was noones fault things are bettter this way and everyone will be happier eventually. Well he didnt like that and called me a F up. Told me he did hate me and hated that I did this and pushed him into a corner and no one will be happy and he's not happy when he has to drop off the kids.... Yet then it was but for the first time ever I am at peace and I do love you and you are a good person and we never have to have this conversation again if it doesnt have to do with the kids then we dont need to talk again. I then had a melt down and cried all night. Right now I feel bad for him because I have the kids animals and always a full house never alone, I have a real family which he will never have with his. Thats how I know Im crazy UGGGGHHHH Well thats the latest.. Wish I had good news but right now the only good news is that at this second right now I think Im ok who knows what the next ten minutes will bring....... Hi Feel, Hugs! I know exactly how you feel....I actually went a whole day at work today without crying but started on the trip home. It's like a rubber band squeezing your heart one minute and then breaking in two. My H is right, he will never be the man I deserve and he can never go back to the man I was once proud of, the one that made me happy and wanted to make him happy. I hate that and wish I could help him, but I know I can't. Just keep your head up, you aren't in this alone. Trippi
Author feelrealempty Posted October 8, 2009 Author Posted October 8, 2009 Hugs to you too. I just read the update on your post too trippi and god why are they sooo heartless??? Its like they just shut down nothing bothers them and everything is us. I got the same thing lastweek he himself said we both derserve better and he knows he could never make me happy. Why get mad then when I tell our son it will be better like this...Luckily the kids seem to be doing well. Thank goodness I (we) have the family here that we have.. Its nice to know your there, thank you again and your not alone either its a good feeling and we need that ttys have a goodnight;)
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